mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 11, 2016 16:03:40 GMT -5
I told my SO that I really missed making love. He replied that we're not in 'that sort of relationship'. He tells me he loves me, holds my hand at every opportunity, strokes, cuddles and kisses me whenever he can (just doesn't kiss me on the mouth). He says he's not looking for anyone else but admits (under pressure from me) that it could happen.
This is breaking my heart. I mean, I've been married and had other relationships but have never felt about anyone the way that I feel about him. When he first broke up with me I was in physical pain, short of breath, nauseated and cried for hours. Then he emailed saying that he was missing me and wanting to see me.
In another thread I mentioned that my SO has Asperger's and probably schizoid personality disorder. He has said that he is almost completely dependent on me, that I saved him from oblivion and that he wants me in his life. I am also the only person (and I mean literally) that he speaks to outside supervising his students and work related meetings.
I think that I am going mad. He spoons and holds me so tight when we are in bed. He kisses my bare shoulder and strokes my back and buttocks.....??
Can anyone relate? Is this a sexless relationship or not a relationship at all?
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 11, 2016 16:20:05 GMT -5
I'm sorry. It sounds like a friendship to me.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 11, 2016 16:30:09 GMT -5
FWAB? Friends with almost benefits...? Am I being used? But I know the score? Am I an idiot for hoping that it will change?
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Post by wewbwb on Apr 11, 2016 16:40:18 GMT -5
(I have to say FWAB made me smile)
I feel that if you know the score and are ok with it you're NOT being used- it sounds to me that with all his issues you're being a really good friend.
Are you an idiot? Depends - does this friendship make YOU happy? Are YOU satisfied by it? Would he be okay if you had your need taken care of? By a FWB? Would he be okay being just a cuddle buddy friend?
If he's not, are you just going into another SM?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2016 16:51:33 GMT -5
FWAB? Friends with almost benefits...? Am I being used? But I know the score? Am I an idiot for hoping that it will change? The fact he admits someone else could happen tells me he is using you. Why would he consider the possibility of a someone else if you're so important to him? He's selfishly using you because he needs someone and you're all he has for now. You're human for hoping it will change but in my experience that is not the kind of thing that will change (either him having sex with you or him choosing to be only with you). What does this guy give you/do for you that you couldn't find within an hour from some random guy on Tinder (plus sex)? Does he spend time with you outside of you fulfilling his needs? Does he meet you when you want to see him and not only when it's convenient for him because he has nothing else to do? Is he considerate, does he treat your time as valuable and not waste it making plans and cancelling at the last minute (I would argue that continuing to see you when he knows you want more is not considerate)? Is he a friend you can call on if you needed to? Would he continue to keep you in his life even if he did start seeing someone else? Do you tolerate behavior from him that you would not from anyone else in your life? Does he treat you the way you want to be treated?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2016 17:04:06 GMT -5
FWAB? Friends with almost benefits...? Am I being used? But I know the score? Am I an idiot for hoping that it will change? I forgot to ask, in my previous post, what I think are the most important questions of all. Is he taking up space in your life that would be better spent with other friends or at the gym or pampering yourself in some way? Is continuing to see him holding you back from meeting someone better for you? I almost don't see how the answer to that can't be yes. If he decided he wanted to marry you, do you think you deserve better (yes, you do)?
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Post by JMX on Apr 11, 2016 17:23:45 GMT -5
Mathdoll - this sounds shades of painfully familiar in some respects.
Please get out now. You are going to go through all the pain and sadness again. He is not even kind to you. It could very well be is Aspys - but what does that matter? He coldly told you he was open to other people. That means he does not choose you.
Goodness! I know you are in pain. Please free yourself. This will not change. Needing you and wanting you are two very different things.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 11, 2016 18:39:37 GMT -5
This is going to sound awful - but I would say you and he are just friends.
"I told my SO that I really missed making love. He replied that we're not in 'that sort of relationship'. "
What sort of relationship is it when you don't do anything sexual? You're friends, if you like each other enough.
To paraphrase Mettamomma, sex is the one thing that distinguishes a romantic love relationship from a just-friends relationship.
Is he using you? Hard to say. If his problems are as bad as you say, he may not intend to "use" you. But be careful - people with serious problems can suck you dry.
I have a female friend, "Amy" (I posted about her in the Best of EP section) who sent me 5 or 6 LONG emails about her "relationship" with this man she has a crush on. If you didn't read that post: Amy is unhappily married; the man she's crushing on is married (doesn't sound unhappy to me), she knows him only through Facebook; and she has been obsessed with him for about 3 years now.
So, anyway, she sent me 5 or 6 book-length emails today about this imaginary relationship. Meanwhile, I've been out of work for two weeks and have been busy job hunting and interviewing. I know it never crossed her mind that I might have higher priorities than trying to tell her what she wants to hear about FB Man.
Amy is a perfect example of a person with a lot of problems who could potentially suck me dry - if I allowed it. I've been pushing back for a few months, though. She doesn't like it, but there's nothing she can do about it.
How would it be if you didn't spend so much energy and time on helping him? How would he react?
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Post by unmatched on Apr 11, 2016 19:35:29 GMT -5
I told my SO that I really missed making love. He replied that we're not in 'that sort of relationship'. He tells me he loves me, holds my hand at every opportunity, strokes, cuddles and kisses me whenever he can (just doesn't kiss me on the mouth). He says he's not looking for anyone else but admits (under pressure from me) that it could happen. This is breaking my heart. I mean, I've been married and had other relationships but have never felt about anyone the way that I feel about him. When he first broke up with me I was in physical pain, short of breath, nauseated and cried for hours. Then he emailed saying that he was missing me and wanting to see me. In another thread I mentioned that my SO has Asperger's and probably schizoid personality disorder. He has said that he is almost completely dependent on me, that I saved him from oblivion and that he wants me in his life. I am also the only person (and I mean literally) that he speaks to outside supervising his students and work related meetings. I think that I am going mad. He spoons and holds me so tight when we are in bed. He kisses my bare shoulder and strokes my back and buttocks.....?? Can anyone relate? Is this a sexless relationship or not a relationship at all? Clearly your emotions have kicked in big time and you have a full-on infatuation going with this guy. Does that constitute a relationship - probably it does if you are kissing and cuddling a lot and letting him stroke your buttocks. BUT it is not a relationship that is ever going to make you happy. If you pursue this you are going to be heartbroken over and over and over again and you already know where that path leads. For your own sake you need to break this off. And when you do, there is a 78% chance that he is going to be very unhappy and offer to make love to you. If you do that you will end up in a relationship and you will have a few weeks/months of gloriously infatuated sex with each other and then he will back away and back away and you will be right back where you are now but with months of extra bonding to make the heartbreak worse. It will be harder to leave and your self-esteem will be pooling in a damp puddle on the floor. Please don't go there. Putting my crystal ball aside, none of that might happen. But from here the odds look really bad. And why do you want to imprint yourself on somebody who is never going to be able to give you the kind of relationship you want?
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Post by snowman12345 on Apr 12, 2016 6:34:00 GMT -5
The picture I get here is that you love him more or at least differently than he loves you. It happens - not a great thing, but once you step back a bit and look at him with less biased eyes what will you see? Change the parameters a little - next time he touches or cuddles pull away and say "You don't get to touch me if you are not willing to go to the next level". You should not let him stoke the fire if he is not willing to put it out. That is cruel and abusive to you.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2016 7:09:09 GMT -5
I don't even know where to start. This is a train wreck. Move on and get counseling to find out why you feel you are physically dying when an intimacy averse user breaks up with you.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 12, 2016 11:18:32 GMT -5
I don't even know where to start. This is a train wreck. Move on and get counseling to find out why you feel you are physically dying when an intimacy averse user breaks up with you. Thanks. (Weak smile) I have had 7 years of psychotherapy and a lifetime of studying human behaviour (including postgraduate qualifications in psychology). I know what is going on with me: a lifetime of abuse, major depressive disorder and borderline personality/ Aspie traits. I've been through and am still going through a lot. Believe it or not my psychiatrist recently congratulated me on still being alive given my history and serious suicide attempts! I also have a professional job, run my own home etc, etc... What I can't get my head around is what is going on with my SO. I also need to be around others who are suffering similar stuff and who might be more objective and less judgemental. 'Intimacy averse user'? Wow that's harsh! Maybe that's what I need to see and not the sweet, gentle, lost boy in my head....
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 12, 2016 15:22:00 GMT -5
I don't even know where to start. This is a train wreck. Move on and get counseling to find out why you feel you are physically dying when an intimacy averse user breaks up with you. Thanks. (Weak smile) I have had 7 years of psychotherapy and a lifetime of studying human behaviour (including postgraduate qualifications in psychology). I know what is going on with me: a lifetime of abuse, major depressive disorder and borderline personality/ Aspie traits. I've been through and am still going through a lot. Believe it or not my psychiatrist recently congratulated me on still being alive given my history and serious suicide attempts! I also have a professional job, run my own home etc, etc... What I can't get my head around is what is going on with my SO. I also need to be around others who are suffering similar stuff and who might be more objective and less judgemental. 'Intimacy averse user'? Wow that's harsh! Maybe that's what I need to see and not the sweet, gentle, lost boy in my head.... Maybe I was a little harsh but yes objectivity is what you need. He's obviously intimacy averse. That's why you're here. And people who dump you then want you back seem to think you're a resource they may or may not need at any given moment. And the fact that he is totally dependent on you and doesn't even talk to anyone unless he has to is enough to say this is toxic. That's just nuts. Sorry, you know more about psychology than me but if you read this story on a post by someone else your advice would be to run.
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Post by unmatched on Apr 12, 2016 18:36:04 GMT -5
I don't even know where to start. This is a train wreck. Move on and get counseling to find out why you feel you are physically dying when an intimacy averse user breaks up with you. Thanks. (Weak smile) I have had 7 years of psychotherapy and a lifetime of studying human behaviour (including postgraduate qualifications in psychology). I know what is going on with me: a lifetime of abuse, major depressive disorder and borderline personality/ Aspie traits. I've been through and am still going through a lot. Believe it or not my psychiatrist recently congratulated me on still being alive given my history and serious suicide attempts! I also have a professional job, run my own home etc, etc... What I can't get my head around is what is going on with my SO. I also need to be around others who are suffering similar stuff and who might be more objective and less judgemental. 'Intimacy averse user'? Wow that's harsh! Maybe that's what I need to see and not the sweet, gentle, lost boy in my head.... Have a long hard think about all those sweet, gentle lost boys you have ever met or heard or read about. They are lovely and charismatic and suck you in big time, but tend to leave a huge swathe of emotional carnage in their wake. Because ultimately that sweet lost persona is a fantastic way for them to avoid taking any responsibility for their lives and their actions. They say 'I never meant to hurt her' and they mean it, but underneath they really just want the freedom to be able to act in whatever way they want to without giving a fuck about anybody else. They are the ones who will start a business and leave somebody else with the debt. Or get somebody pregnant and run away. Or drown themselves in drugs and alcohol. Or break your heart and try and be there to console you afterwards. I am sure he is lovely, and if I met him I would probably want to jump in and take care of him too. But watch your back.
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mathdoll
Junior Member
The light is getting brighter........
Posts: 88
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Post by mathdoll on Apr 14, 2016 11:44:00 GMT -5
I know that he doesn't give a fuck......but this also seems to be part of Asperger's.....he just doesn't 'get it'. But then neither do I ?
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