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Post by givingupsoon on Jul 6, 2022 18:34:41 GMT -5
Mirrorchild, you brought up some good points, and I do think my state is one that would frown upon an affair. Glad you mentioned it, as I need to play my cards right with this, for sure. I would have a lot to lose.
Secondly, he is a good roommate/business partner, so there’s that. But life is way too short to miss out on what is so important to me. If one of us had a major illness or something that kept sex out of our lives, well then I would certainly have a different perspective. But to just alienate me from what I can do ‘only with him’ is unforgivable.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 6, 2022 18:51:08 GMT -5
Mirrorchild, you brought up some good points, and I do think my state is one that would frown upon an affair. Glad you mentioned it, as I need to play my cards right with this, for sure. I would have a lot to lose. Secondly, he is a good roommate/business partner, so there’s that. But life is way too short to miss out on what is so important to me. If one of us had a major illness or something that kept sex out of our lives, well then I would certainly have a different perspective. But to just alienate me from what I can do ‘only with him’ is unforgivable. If you are really serous then you should "google" legal view on adultery in your state. Then you might know exactly what the potential ramifications of what an affair might bring. From your previous post it reads like he does not believe you would actually look elsewhere for intimacy. Mirrororchid is correct in that many spouses do not take things seriously until a 3rd person(s) are part of the relationship. What ever you decide I wish you well as you move forward.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 6, 2022 20:14:52 GMT -5
Mirrorchild, you brought up some good points, and I do think my state is one that would frown upon an affair. Glad you mentioned it, as I need to play my cards right with this, for sure. I would have a lot to lose. Secondly, he is a good roommate/business partner, so there’s that. But life is way too short to miss out on what is so important to me. If one of us had a major illness or something that kept sex out of our lives, well then I would certainly have a different perspective. But to just alienate me from what I can do ‘only with him’ is unforgivable. During my drawn out divorce I took the approach of " I will not have any relationships with any women until after the divorce. My 'now ex' is a controlling manipulator who will easily try to use that against me ( for eternity), in court, with the children, family, neighbors, friends, etc...I refuse to give her that power". Was there women who gave me their time to be platonic, friends, mentors, counselors? YES!!! Including wonderful people on this forum back in 2016 and it continues! I also felt depressed, confused, and stressed, not the person I wanted to offer to another woman. I needed time to heal, rebuild, ( sort my own shit - thanks baza!) after my Awakening! Now, in the present time, I can openly ,honestly speak about my past by saying " there was no cheating, drugs, alcohol, violence, or gambling. But there was money issues, power, control issues and a loveless sexless marriage". It's amazing how many doors that opens! Women seem to respect that, understand it and then want to share openly their own past and present. Just a different approach to think about!
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Post by jim44444 on Jul 7, 2022 20:24:48 GMT -5
I told him this morning that I am outsourcing the sexual part of our marriage and he told me that I was being annoying and that we should keep working on it. I didn’t argue with him. I told him, matter of factly, there was nothing more that I could possibly do to “work on it”, especially after my efforts last night. You told him you are going to outsource and he says you are annoying! The man is either into absolute total denial or he does not give a damn about you. Either option is not "working on it". Oh yeah, an exit strategy is your friend. It gives you a sense of empowerment (at least it did me) and that alone changes your outlook. It has always been a "him" problem. Your problem was trying to fix him but you solved that problem. Go you.
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Post by givingupsoon on Jul 10, 2022 17:46:34 GMT -5
After some serious soul searching and receiving some sound advice, I think I am going to avoid the affair route, as I think that it would not be in my best interest, emotionally or financially. However, I am working on my exit strategy and I have a timeline set up that will work out best for me and my situation.
It’s just soul crushing…day after day…living this way. To better my spirits, I am electing to take more time to focus on myself and my future and the things that make me smile.
I may not be making any immediate moves, so I will probably reach out here and there for support, as I’m sure I will need it.
Two years will go by quickly and I’m going to try and make the best of it. I deeply appreciate all of your help in every regard. It’s given me hope and direction.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jul 11, 2022 3:58:22 GMT -5
After some serious soul searching and receiving some sound advice, I think I am going to avoid the affair route,... I am electing to take more time to focus on myself and my future and the things that make me smile. I may not be making any immediate moves, so I will probably reach out here and there for support, as I’m sure I will need it. Two years will go by quickly... Big life changes often benefit from time to plan, so... sounds good. Changing your name to: givingupintwoyears? "Giving up" sounds so negative though. The thing you seem to be giving up is changing your husband into something he seems to not want to be. We often say we can't change anyone but ourselves. Our own behavior can inspire others to change though. Witness the turnaround of lanie 's husband when the outsourcing notification ("threat" is what a refuser calls it). You say he's a good roommate. Your state may frown on outsourcing and punish an adulterous spouse even with notification. Another option before divorce that may serve is a "post-nup", an agreement how assets get divided in case of divorce, while married. Maybe read baza's post about his Binding Financial Agreement legal instrument.) In the event a refuser wants to change history after a friend with benefits is secured, the legal angle is taken care of. Jealousy can ambush a theoretically agreeable spouse. Marriages, in days of yore, were often economic or political. Some marriages turn out that way today and we end them, despite worthwhile functions being served. A benefit of marriage is a mutual pledge of aid for life. Someone to grow old with. A lot of folks end up sexless for medical reasons before one goes to the great beyond. Maybe his "golden years" just started a bit early in some respects. If he'd like a friend to count on forever, maybe he can cope with an unconventional marriage. Perhaps some food for thought in two years. Have the two of you made a will? Everyone should. It has the added benefit of overlapping with divorce paperwork and provides you with worthwhile, useful actions towards your exit, if you end up feeling that leaving your husband is mandatory. (many ILIASM escapees have felt that way)
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 11, 2022 4:27:59 GMT -5
I don't think giving up is a negative thing at all. In some cases, well, maybe, but often it is a sign of wisdom, such as after realizing the incompatibility makes pursuing a meaningful relationship hopeless. It took me twenty five years to give up, but once I gave up I felt a whole lot better.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Jul 11, 2022 9:23:52 GMT -5
I don't think giving up is a negative thing at all. In some cases, well, maybe, but often it is a sign of wisdom, such as after realizing the incompatibility makes pursuing a meaningful relationship hopeless. It took me twenty five years to give up, but once I gave up I felt a whole lot better. I agree giving up on a hopeless situation is a positive. It is taking back control of your happiness. My only regret was not doing it sooner I lost so many years. But so happy I got there and am living my best life.
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Post by catlover on Jul 11, 2022 10:27:27 GMT -5
Something I struggle with is accepting that acceptance is not giving up
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Post by steve1968 on Jul 13, 2022 6:13:59 GMT -5
As a 63 year old male, I can assure you that many, many 52 year old females are PLENTY attractive. Just thinking about a "woman, warm and willing" gets me feeling a boner starting. Good luck, stay strong.
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Post by flyingsolo on Jul 18, 2022 19:34:29 GMT -5
I am sorry that you find yourself here givingupsoon. It can be a very lonely place, but this forum and everyone that is a part of it were exceptionally helpful for me when I was at your crossroads. While my situation wasn't a porn addiction with my wife, she just literally decided intimacy was a no-go......for over five plus years. Not only was it a frustrating and lonely experience, I would come to realize later it was exceptionally abusive and emotionally manipulative on her part. Much like it sounds like your husband is doing, she placed the blame squarely on me. Every time I tried to express my feelings and need for emotional and physical intimacy with someone I thought was my "partner", I got the "all you want is sex" reply. Yes, I've stayed in a sexless marriage for five years because all I want is sex. Logical right?
Honestly, stop chasing the "Why" and start thinking about making yourself happy. You've tried and it hasn't worked. If you are confident that you've done all you can and you don't have financial concerns about a divorce, start plotting your exit. If you want my honest opinion, DON'T have an affair. Leave with a clean conscience knowing you did everything you could and you didn't stray from the marriage. An affair only gives him more ammunition should he find out and could potentially jeopardize a financial settlement in a divorce depending on what state you live it.
1.) Find an good attorney and plan your out. 2.) Begin making arrangement for a new place to live. 3.) Do what you need to do for yourself so that you feel good about yourself and are 100% at peace with your decision so you can walk away with your head held high knowing you tried. 4.) You deserve better. You deserve happiness. You deserve a great sex life. Go get all three!
I finally filed for divorce from my 21+ year marriage after 5+ sexless years of marriage and you know what? I found an amazing, incredibly sexy woman (WAAAAY better looking than my ex) whom I have an amazing intimate and honest connection with. I finally realized that THIS is the way it is supposed to be. I am incredibly happy, and the sex is passionate, fun and adventurous and we have it as much as I want it! It's great when you find someone who loves you for you without all the bullshit head games. You know why divorce is so expensive? Because it's WORTH IT! Cost me over $1 million, but it was so worth it!
Good luck to you! Be at peace with your decision to move on and you will never look back! I promise!
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Post by givingupsoon on Jul 20, 2022 7:04:49 GMT -5
Flyingsolo,
Your response is exactly what I needed and I absolutely agree that this is the best approach (at least in my personal situation). We have a high net worth, also, and it will likely turn nasty, but at the end of the day, I would like to walk away from it with my dignity intact.
I won’t be making any immediate moves, but once my daughter is finished with school, I have my exit plan ready to roll. Part of me feels as though I’m “wasting” years of my life but I am going to rewire my brain to just be grateful for what I have and where I am going to be in the future.
It is very lonely…but it’s temporary.
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Post by mirrororchid on Jul 21, 2022 5:48:18 GMT -5
Flyingsolo, Your response is exactly what I needed and I absolutely agree that this is the best approach (at least in my personal situation). We have a high net worth, also, and it will likely turn nasty, but at the end of the day, I would like to walk away from it with my dignity intact. I won’t be making any immediate moves, but once my daughter is finished with school, I have my exit plan ready to roll. Part of me feels as though I’m “wasting” years of my life but I am going to rewire my brain to just be grateful for what I have and where I am going to be in the future. It is very lonely…but it’s temporary. One component of planning that might address loneliness to some degree is hunting down a social activity or two. Volunteer opportunity, meetup, karaoke night, a badminton club. Something to break up the week. This assumes that lack of intimate companionship isn't the bulk of the problem, which it may be. If you split, there may be big spans of time that need a purpose. If your daughter finishing school may mean less attention to her, double the reason to expand a life of your own. Any old hobbies you could pick up again? Doesn't address the loneliness, but can head off empty-nest boredom. Another is some contemplation of the causes of the potential nastiness yet to come. Precious heirlooms? Raw monetary sums? Both of you adore the house? My advice is typically directed to men, but I'll offer it anyway. Plan to settle for 45%. If you can agree on a 45%-55% split, you're likely getting the same amount you'd get if you fought hard because the friggin' lawyers would get the 10% your spouse is getting. Both of you keeping as much as you can, I'd wager, helps your daughter to some degree.
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