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Post by lwoetin on Mar 13, 2018 0:13:17 GMT -5
In the movie Notebook (can't remember story well), the husband loved and stayed faithful to his wife even when she couldn't recognize who he was. It was a fictional story but love is supposed to conquer all, alzheimers and sexless marriages. I would be wary of baza's counsel. I hope you find resolution and peace, whatever path you do tread. Well, I believe baza counsel is stop being a victim and "make a choice." There is peace in an informed choice. jim44444 has made one and finds "peace" with it to some extent (is that fair to say, Jim?), even though nothing is necessarily "fixed." (Ie, he is still in a sexless marriage). If my previous marriage had some level of love I may have made a different choice myself, but we did not have happy memories, good times, strong foundation to start with. So I made my choice from that truth (for us). Now, if my current marriage were to turn sexless, it would be a completely different path I would be walking because we have a strong foundation, we had the first two years of ridiculous amounts of sex and still have sex at a rate happy for us both. In that case, I may choose to stay, too. I don't know, can't say. But, I think Baza's counsel is usually spot on of make a choice. Own your life. Create a life a you can live with and enjoy and are at peace with. actually I like baza a lot and said that in jest. I repeated exactly what he counseled in the end. I live in the South and he lives down under, so we have something in common.
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Post by saarinista on Mar 26, 2018 5:02:59 GMT -5
I first published this story on EP 2 years ago. But after a conversation with @smartkat I have decided to update and republish here. I am sure there are those who did not read this on EP and some who have forgotten my back story. So to put my comments into perspective I give you my story. _______________________________________________________________________ I have been reading and sometimes commenting on the experiences here for about 6 months. As I read these stories I try to relate the experiences to my own relationship. So many people here have abusive relationships, both physically and emotionally. So many have been in a sexless marriage since the beginning of the their relationship. Thankfully, neither of those scenarios describe our life. We married young, 3 weeks before my 19th birthday when she was 17 and 7 months later we were parents. My wife finished high school and went to graduation with me holding our infant daughter in the auditorium. Our sex life was enthusiastic although not extremely imaginative. Over the years we developed and expanded our love making skills and positions. We always were affectionate, touching and kissing at every opportunity. We slept naked and would often engage in quickies at the drop of a hat. Our girls learned early not to just come barging into our bedroom, since we did not always remember to lock the door. On a cruise for our 30th anniversary we even considered an invitation for a threesome. Yeah, we were a horny couple. However, a few years after the cruise my wife had some health problems with her thyroid. The sex dropped off along with her energy. After about a year she underwent radioactive destruction of her thyroid. It took close to 6 months to get her medicines properly adjusted. However, her libido never did recover. Then she had her gallbladder removed and several years later a hysterectomy. She is now overweight and diabetic which can also affect the libido. She admits that she no longer has sexual desires but wishes she did. So where does that leave us? As so many here have said, we are roommates and friends. I have explained how I feel rejected by not just the lack of sex but by the lack of intimacy. I don't expect the high level sexuality of our 30s and early 40s but I cannot see living the rest of my life without a lover. We tried counseling three years ago but found it to be a waste of time and money. She says she understands my feelings but does not offer any resolution. Maybe there is no resolution outside of the three so often proposed here. We have been together for over 45 years, I cannot envision being with someone else. I would not know where to even begin to build a new relationship. It may be hard to believe but she is the only person with whom I have ever had sex. Damn, I am almost a virgin. To all of the people in their 20s and 30s who are in an SM I encourage you to face the issue head on and if your refuser will not change then get out. If you think it will be too hard now then consider what it will be like when you a ready to retire. Thank you for letting me ramble. I did try to pare this down, it was a lot longer. And a special thank you to Birdie39 for encouraging me to post. ___________________________________________________________________ Update as of October 2016. We have now been together over 47 years. I retired a year ago and recommend it to everyone. My wife is not retired but has not worked for over a year because of a botched knee replacement. We continue to be friends and roommates. Her frequency level is 2 to 3 times per year. And when she is in the mood these rare times, the sex is as good as ever. As for me, I have found that accepting that her libido is a function of her hormones and not a reflection on me makes the day bearable. Except for when it does not. Which may be a function of my hormones. This is where I come from when I give my opinions. has she tried hormone replacement therapy? Or maybe just sucking it up? I mean a little sex never killed anybody relatively speaking.
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Post by Handy on Aug 25, 2021 13:33:39 GMT -5
Jim44444 (from 2016) However, a few years after the cruise my wife had some health problems with her thyroid. The sex dropped off along with her energy. After about a year she underwent radioactive destruction of her thyroid. It took close to 6 months to get her medicines properly adjusted. However, her libido never did recover. Then she had her gallbladder removed and several years later a hysterectomy.
Medical crap really messes up the sex drive for many people.
I just thought Jim44444's story should be re-posted.
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 25, 2021 17:32:42 GMT -5
Reading this story again after so many years had me thinking about my own SM again. It has been some time since I gave it any thought. Our courtship and marriage had plenty of sex and intimacy for years. It seemed like I had gotten this marriage right. But with the passage of time came the falling away of both sex and intimacy. My now X only had one ovary and perhaps that played a role in how her libido went away the way if did. So physical conditions probably played a role in the demise of my marriage also. Like your W mine was interested only about 4 times a yr. But when we did have sex it seemed to be good, until she orgasmed, and then she lost interest. My X was not interested in HRT as there was a history of ovarian cancer in her mother and sister, and after our divorce she developed a large cyst on that organ so it was removed. Sometimes I have some regrets and other times I know I made the right decision. But invariably one needs to come to grips with the decision one makes to stay or leave, and hopefully make a peace with it.
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Post by mirrororchid on Aug 25, 2021 20:14:20 GMT -5
Jim44444 (from 2016) However, a few years after the cruise my wife had some health problems with her thyroid. The sex dropped off along with her energy. After about a year she underwent radioactive destruction of her thyroid. It took close to 6 months to get her medicines properly adjusted. However, her libido never did recover. Then she had her gallbladder removed and several years later a hysterectomy.Medical crap really messes up the sex drive for many people. I just thought Jim44444's story should be re-posted. Good call, Handy Jim44444's acceptance is a story that might resonate with many frustrated but hesitant refused spouses who may feel as though it's somehow wrong to stay. He seems fully aware of his options, doubts his decision at times but finds acceptance in continuing as is. Some people may find that a worthwhile destiny, if not teh one they would have picked, given the choice.
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Post by saarinista on Aug 26, 2021 13:03:05 GMT -5
Reading this story again after so many years had me thinking about my own SM again. It has been some time since I gave it any thought. Our courtship and marriage had plenty of sex and intimacy for years. It seemed like I had gotten this marriage right. But with the passage of time came the falling away of both sex and intimacy. My now X only had one ovary and perhaps that played a role in how her libido went away the way if did. So physical conditions probably played a role in the demise of my marriage also. Like your W mine was interested only about 4 times a yr. But when we did have sex it seemed to be good, until she orgasmed, and then she lost interest. My X was not interested in HRT as there was a history of ovarian cancer in her mother and sister, and after our divorce she developed a large cyst on that organ so it was removed. Sometimes I have some regrets and other times I know I made the right decision. But invariably one needs to come to grips with the decision one makes to stay or leave, and hopefully make a peace with it. Another issue for women-probably more than men- is that older women typically are not viewed as "sexy" by our society. Yes, men get hit with the aging stigma as well, but not as much as women, I don't think. For me, feeling like I look older makes me feel less like I'm sexually desireable and that can upset the sexual energy in a relationship in subtle ways, I know also that when my ovaries ceased to be reproductive organs, I felt consciously that an essential part of me had "died." i guess they still secrete minute amounts of hormones post menopause but still... Being unable to reproduce for me was depressing. I never had children. I'm not sure if that made menopause more or less depressing for me. Probably more, but everyone is different. Bottom line is: illness, aches and pains, and loss of certain bodily functionalities make getting older to me not very sexy. I can get past it, but it's a fight!
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Post by Handy on Aug 26, 2021 15:51:02 GMT -5
Saarinista, just to let you know about older VS younger women, I chat-up more older women than younger women. So for me, the older ladies take priority.
I don't think I would want to be in a relationship with a woman that could have children. A friend I cared about? Yes but the sexy-romantic part, it would be mentally difficult for me. So the no kids options is more like my speed.
I was just guessing that if you had children in the past, the Being unable to reproduce would not be part of your concerns now. I am guessing that you would be mode like me "been there did that. I am past that now and don't want to do it again at this stage of life."
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Post by TMD on Aug 28, 2021 23:41:16 GMT -5
Can I jump on age bandwagon? I prefer men who are older than me, even though it didn’t stop me from having a little daliance with a 28 year old cub a couple of weeks ago. BUT I am increasingly becoming insecure about my age and the physical changes that come with.
I am dating. I’ve been rejected (mostly ghosted, which boggles my mind — I can handle rejection, and prefer honesty, but it seems impossible for 90% of the guys so far. Thankfully, I recognize that this kind of behaviour says a lot about the kind of people they are, and they are clearly not my kind of people. So there’s that.
All said, I’m starting to wonder if it’s my age or body or what, I don’t know. It’s challenging to navigate with ZERO communication. I work hard to be logical and not fixate or make up stories, but here’s the crux:
I’m almost convinced that the rejection is because these guys can find younger, prettier, fitter women. And that I’m not good enough.
Which I know is me sabotaging myself. I’m working hard on combatting this. But it’s soooo hard.
I want to give up every other day. And yet, I am stubborn and believe that a relationship is possible, with a lot of effort.
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My story
Aug 28, 2021 23:43:09 GMT -5
via mobile
itme likes this
Post by TMD on Aug 28, 2021 23:43:09 GMT -5
PS, itme, I love that you sang, “Come Together.” One of my faves.
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Post by Handy on Aug 29, 2021 1:31:32 GMT -5
TMD ....guys can find younger, prettier, fitter women. And that I’m not good enough.Maybe a list by men on what they avoid might help with why some men avoid some women. I will go first. I avoid women that think they know it all but really do not know much and I avoid couch potatoes. No they do not have to be fit but not being able to walk a few blocks because they don't like exercise seems lazy to me.
So, younger, more attractive and a few other things are not a main reason that I would list as GF/dating/friends, selection criteria.
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My story
Aug 29, 2021 8:36:57 GMT -5
via mobile
Post by TMD on Aug 29, 2021 8:36:57 GMT -5
Handy, I would meet your eligibility requirements. LOL. I’m told that I can be intimidating. Or that I’m hard to read. I ask questions. Maybe I make them uncomfortable? I was thinking it was age and physical appearance, but maybe it’s just me, in general, that scares, or turns, them off. IDK. 🤷🏼♀️ I need to reflect more on this.
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Post by deadzone75 on Aug 29, 2021 12:56:39 GMT -5
Handy , I would meet your eligibility requirements. LOL. I’m told that I can be intimidating. Or that I’m hard to read. I ask questions. Maybe I make them uncomfortable? I was thinking it was age and physical appearance, but maybe it’s just me, in general, that scares, or turns, them off. IDK. 🤷🏼♀️ I need to reflect more on this. If communication seems to bother them, that's a red flag.
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Post by Handy on Aug 29, 2021 13:13:04 GMT -5
TMD I was thinking it was age and physical appearance,...
A Grossly over weight woman is something I mentally have trouble seeing as sexy. I am still friendly but romantically, my brain just doesn't go there. Regarding my idea of "she knows it all" I will qualify as her thinking she knows it all but really she has a fixed opinion about many things and I not open to the facts or new information and has rigid views that sound one sided to me. An example is Trump or Biden lovers or haters. I know women that like or hate either man.
TMD, I am mostly trying to help you put the younger, better looking concern you might have on the back burner so it doesn't interfere with something real.
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 29, 2021 15:40:22 GMT -5
"....guys can find younger, prettier, fitter women. And that I’m not good enough."
If one is looking to have an affair, women actually typically are able to get a better lover in terms of looks and fitness than they would if they were single. That's because --at least on the sites for people looking for extramarital affairs -- men greatly outnumber women. For the same reason, men on those sites, usually have to settle for someone who isn't as good look as whom the men could attract if the men were single.
As for "younger, prettier, fitter" when it comes for post marriage partners, one can't do anything about one's age, but one can do a lot to improve one's looks and fitness so as to be more competitive. Women outlive men so the older one gets, the more favorable the male:female ratio becomes for men. Women can look at the odds and give up or they can decide to become the most attractive and interesting women they are capable of being. "Interesting" means getting involved in activities that interest you, not spending all of one's time hunting men.
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Post by mirrororchid on Aug 31, 2021 5:40:55 GMT -5
TMD I was thinking it was age and physical appearance,...A Grossly over weight woman is something I mentally have trouble seeing as sexy. I am still friendly but romantically, my brain just doesn't go there. Regarding my idea of "she knows it all" I will qualify as her thinking she knows it all but really she has a fixed opinion about many things and I not open to the facts or new information and has rigid views that sound one sided to me. An example is Trump or Biden lovers or haters. I know women that like or hate either man. TMD, I am mostly trying to help you put the younger, better looking concern you might have on the back burner so it doesn't interfere with something real. Biden lover? Can't picture it. The secret handshake of liberals these days is a shrug.
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