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Post by eternaloptimism on May 17, 2016 14:54:35 GMT -5
Well thanks I swear, once your eyes are opened you feel much more empowered... About choices really. It's still hard and a mega journey for us all to take, but it's fab to be able to talk frankly and honestly isn't it. Hope you stay around and get strong xxxx Heck yeah, to both of you, eternaloptimism and skguy! I agree. My eyes have been opened wide by being on here, even just for a short time. I came in utterly depressed and defeated and now, just days later, I have grabbed my bootstraps, yanked hard and now - I'm moving again and nothing's going to stop me this time. I took my rings off, joined a gym and I am not looking back. My refuser is going to be sorry he ever messed with me. Pink hair rules!! (Having a good day - hopefully the first of many, many more to come.) Hang in there everyone - even if only long enough to GET OUT!! That's got me smiling Elle. Sending love & hope xxx
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 17, 2016 15:03:57 GMT -5
Hello everyone. I found this website after searching online for support. I had a session with my therapist this morning and was steered in the direction that she always steers me, to find "my half" of this problem. I'm so tired of trying to figure out what I'm doing to contribute, even if it's only half. I just need some support now. My heart is torn up and I'm so exhausted. Welcome omixochitl. I am forever and always trying to figure out my half of it. I know I'm not perfect - no one is. But I am also beginning to realize that I'm damn sure GOOD ENOUGH and that I deserve much, much better. For now, I see my half of it as allowing it to happen - my refuser is dependent on alcohol and has been emotionally/verbally abusive. But it's all been subtle enough that it took me a long time to see. Anyway, it's good to know your stuff and what drives you, but it's also good to look around and see the assholes around you for what they are - assholes. I don't know your situation so I don't want to presume any more. But, I hope you feel welcome here and that you find what you are looking for. I'm pretty new myself and these good, kind folks have folded me right in.
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Post by skguy on May 17, 2016 15:22:18 GMT -5
Hello everyone. I found this website after searching online for support. I had a session with my therapist this morning and was steered in the direction that she always steers me, to find "my half" of this problem. I'm so tired of trying to figure out what I'm doing to contribute, even if it's only half. I just need some support now. My heart is torn up and I'm so exhausted. Welcome. :-) I've only been here for a week. Great people here. Take care.
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Post by eternaloptimism on May 17, 2016 15:23:22 GMT -5
Hi omixochitlWelcome welcome welcome. I too am still pretty new... Here that is, not new to the sexless marriage thing! We all try so hard for year after year hoping alone we can make it better. Then something finally clicks. This group is bloody ace. Everyone gets it and is respectful of others. You will find a lot of good people here and you will begin to see there is a future xxxxx
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Post by DryCreek on May 17, 2016 16:57:59 GMT -5
Hello everyone. I found this website after searching online for support. I had a session with my therapist this morning and was steered in the direction that she always steers me, to find "my half" of this problem. I'm so tired of trying to figure out what I'm doing to contribute, even if it's only half. I just need some support now. My heart is torn up and I'm so exhausted. It's fair to assume that we all contribute to our problems in some way. Maybe not even in a meaningful way. Or maybe as simple as being so pissed at the situation that it'd be hard to recover it. Goodness knows I'm not all smiles, because the situation sucks. Heck, maybe some of us have legitimately earned our spouse's disdain. But... there's only so much under our control - we can only fix us. Suppose you attain Nirvana and fix everything in your power. Guess what? It's still broken if he's not working on his part. Yes, we should own our own issues. Yes, we should work to improve ourselves. No, we don't own sole responsibility for our situations. Your therapist is helping you do what you can; what she can help you with. But she needs to also help you to be at peace with what you cannot control, rather than being burdened by it. (I had similar challenges with my therapist, and eventually realized that she was helping with the parts she could. Eventually we both concluded that therapy for me wasn't going to improve things further.) DC
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Post by unmatched on May 17, 2016 17:42:38 GMT -5
Hello everyone. I found this website after searching online for support. I had a session with my therapist this morning and was steered in the direction that she always steers me, to find "my half" of this problem. I'm so tired of trying to figure out what I'm doing to contribute, even if it's only half. I just need some support now. My heart is torn up and I'm so exhausted. Just a thought, but there are two ways of looking at that. Firstly you can ask what is my contribution to creating our SM in the first place. While that is no doubt a useful thing to do, particularly if you are thinking about ever creating a new relationship, as others have said there is a limit to how much you can do about it by yourself. The second way of looking at this is to ask, what is my part in creating my life as it stands. If I am unhappy, why am I unhappy, why am I settling for a life that is really not what I want, and what am I willing to do about it. There are a lot of posts here which will encourage you to rip off the rose-tinted glasses and look at the reality of your relationship, and I would strongly encourage you to do that. Then whether you stay or leave or keep trying very hard to change things, you are taking back the power in your own life and making real choices. Good luck!
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Post by petrushka on May 18, 2016 8:53:26 GMT -5
Hello everyone. I found this website after searching online for support. I had a session with my therapist this morning and was steered in the direction that she always steers me, to find "my half" of this problem. I'm so tired of trying to figure out what I'm doing to contribute, even if it's only half. I just need some support now. My heart is torn up and I'm so exhausted. Hello Omixochitl. Why does your screen name make me think of some Aztec drink with cocoa and vanilla in it, beaten with a bamboo whisk? <scratches head> Why does your therapist 'steer' you? Their job is to ask you questions in a way so you can work out some solution for yourself. Have you known this therapist for long? Do they know you really well, or are they trying to force you into a mold of sorts?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2016 9:24:51 GMT -5
Hello Omixochitl. Why does your screen name make me think of some Aztec drink with cocoa and vanilla in it, beaten with a bamboo whisk? <scratches head>  Me too, Petrushka!
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omixochitl
Junior Member

“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
Posts: 27
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by omixochitl on May 18, 2016 15:40:28 GMT -5
OMG thank you everybody who responded to my despondency...Well, riddle me this. For the first time in a session, I argued with my therapist. She said that our therapeutic relationship was not a place to "solve" the problem. And yet, she seems to be saying that if I can grow up and be less intense in my half, that it would give my husband the room to be affectionate and sexual again. Doesn't this sound like a solution to you? {scratches head} Yes my name is a Nahuatl word for the Tuberose flower. I have a long and abiding interest in all things Mexican. She is more of a coach than a therapist. Her milieu is Bowen family therapy. I sought her out after reading about this therapeutic school and its emphasis on our issues being handed down through generations. I would like to share with you a quote from another website where our mutual problem was the focus.
"Arborgreen, on March 9, 2009 at 7:33 am said:
In the last few years, my husband has opened up enough to talk about how much he was hurt, felt abandoned, rejected etc. by his mother and still is hurt. He really does not see and has no empathy that he is treating me the same way his mother treated him. It seems that he can not grow up, and can not take a step forward to separate emotionally from his childhood. He may be trying to keep some false hope alive that he will someday get what he never got as a child. The problem with that is that you can’t go back, it can’t be fixed, undone or redone. He is hurting the very people who really do love him now. He has talked in person with his mother but she does not see what she has done, she has no remorse. She is just the nicest person when you meet her but very selfish and out of sight out of mind is her way of living. He really has tried to get closer to her but just when he thinks he is making progress she always disappears again. I think this keeps the past alive for him. He is still trying to please her, to have her like him, to have her want him. He wants to be independent and safe by avoiding intimacy. I think he fears acceptance as much as rejection and fears getting too close. It is as though he collects life’s injustices and uses them as an excuse to punish me. He is purposefully driving me away perhaps to continue being a victim so he can say “my mother left me and my wife did too”
I don’t think that he can see that the passive aggressive behaviors are a problem for him and he isn’t uncomfortable enough to change. However, I am uncomfortable and do not want to live for the next 5 or more years on only crumbs of affection. The man can only hesitantly touch my hand or shoulder for a second or two now. And this is only after I have talked with him extensively and he has been in counseling for 8 months. This is as far as he is willing to go and think that it is just the minimum that he is doing to pacify me and make me wait. “Wait” is his favorite game and excuse.
Here is what I would like to say to the passive aggressives out there.
When you stop adding injustices to your collection, when you grow up and stop playing the victim, when you can come to terms with your past and move on into the present, when you can change the misinformation and faulty childish beliefs that guide you, when you let go of your unresolved anger, when you stop hurting others, trying to control, using and manipulating because it makes you feel good, when you stop using lies and excuses to provoke, when you can stop withdrawing and withholding affection, when you can share yourself and actively participate in life, when you can allow yourself to express real affection without any underlying passive aggression, then we can have a relationship.
Arborgreen"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2016 16:30:46 GMT -5
Hola y bienvenida omixochitl! I'll keep my comments short and sweet. Let's just say I'm in a healthcare field and am very disappointed how your therapist has decided to "help" you. I'm getting a very "patent/child" dynamic from what you've described that makes me wonder what you're both striving to achieve in therapy. You seem to be working in opposition to each other. Just an observation from what you've shared.
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omixochitl
Junior Member

“They should tell you when you’re born: have a suitcase heart, be ready to travel.” ― Gabrielle Zevi
Posts: 27
Age Range: 61-65
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Post by omixochitl on May 19, 2016 10:18:04 GMT -5
Ok I'm going to post in another section from now on. Thanks for the welcoming words
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redzombie
New Member
Married, 3 kids.
Posts: 2
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by redzombie on May 19, 2016 20:51:27 GMT -5
Hi there, not sure what to say. Just found this site last night via FB, and reading alot today. I've been married 16 years, together 18. It's be a SM for as long as I can remember. Before we were married it was sexual every time we were together. As our life got more complicated, I always thought it was me or the norm, as my wife the refuser, has been telling me for the longest time "It normal at this stage in our lives". I took it with a grain of salt, as we have had three children in the last nine years. Youngest is almost 4. Our 6 year old slept with us for 4.5 years...99% of the nights, so unless we went to bed before she snuck in...Which I would need to suggest, and occasionally be granted. Finally after this 7 month sexless stretch , I couldn't take it anymore. I was severally depressed and having panic attacks over our relationship. I have tried to understand to a point....the no sex while pregnant...the really long c-section recoveries....some medical issues down there leading to a hysterectomy and the healing, and the death of her mother. These have all taken a toll on her....but in the same breath, it seems she doesn't care. Just a couple weeks ago, her GP said she has pelvic floor issues and needs internal physiotherapy. We were both weirded out by the idea. Then when I started reading about, finding out it causes alot of sexual disorders and discomforts, I begin to wonder if this is why she doesn't want to have sex? I tried to talk to her about it, she hasn't done any research, won't listen to me, and calls the idea Pervy. I started seeing a therapist 4 weeks ago, shes great, helping me find ways to relax, but ultimately she can't force my wife to have sex with me...my wife is poo pooing the idea of couples therapy, and my therapist actually thinks I could do more harm then good, having heard what I have been telling her about my wife. I thought I was lost, until I found out there are others out there struggling. I'm not ready to leave, she my best friend, and solo mate. We have great fun together. I would just like sex more often and more the the 'starfish'.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 19, 2016 21:23:33 GMT -5
Welcome redzombie to our suppotive, no-judgment motley crew. We talk about anything and everything, and try to keep each other sane.
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Post by unmatched on May 19, 2016 22:59:32 GMT -5
Hi there, not sure what to say. Just found this site last night via FB, and reading alot today. I've been married 16 years, together 18. It's be a SM for as long as I can remember. Before we were married it was sexual every time we were together. As our life got more complicated, I always thought it was me or the norm, as my wife the refuser, has been telling me for the longest time "It normal at this stage in our lives". I took it with a grain of salt, as we have had three children in the last nine years. Youngest is almost 4. Our 6 year old slept with us for 4.5 years...99% of the nights, so unless we went to bed before she snuck in...Which I would need to suggest, and occasionally be granted. Finally after this 7 month sexless stretch , I couldn't take it anymore. I was severally depressed and having panic attacks over our relationship. I have tried to understand to a point....the no sex while pregnant...the really long c-section recoveries....some medical issues down there leading to a hysterectomy and the healing, and the death of her mother. These have all taken a toll on her....but in the same breath, it seems she doesn't care. Just a couple weeks ago, her GP said she has pelvic floor issues and needs internal physiotherapy. We were both weirded out by the idea. Then when I started reading about, finding out it causes alot of sexual disorders and discomforts, I begin to wonder if this is why she doesn't want to have sex? I tried to talk to her about it, she hasn't done any research, won't listen to me, and calls the idea Pervy. I started seeing a therapist 4 weeks ago, shes great, helping me find ways to relax, but ultimately she can't force my wife to have sex with me...my wife is poo pooing the idea of couples therapy, and my therapist actually thinks I could do more harm then good, having heard what I have been telling her about my wife. I thought I was lost, until I found out there are others out there struggling. I'm not ready to leave, she my best friend, and solo mate. We have great fun together. I would just like sex more often and more the the 'starfish'. redzombie welcome. It might be better to start a new thread in Sexless Marriage Issues - you will get more and better replies that way. But firstly I would think the women here will back me up but having pelvic floor issues is incredibly common after having 3 kids, as it is post-hysterectomy, and there is nothing pervy about doing kegels and weights and physio or anything else to try and help it. And I was curious about why the therapist thinks having couples therapy would do more harm than good?
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redzombie
New Member
Married, 3 kids.
Posts: 2
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by redzombie on May 20, 2016 9:03:59 GMT -5
My phycolgist things we are having who is worse then each other problems. She believes at this point...it can get messy. Not sure if she is right. But currently discussing any fellings with my wife turn into arguments. As for the pelvic issues...I wish she'd address them. Not having a vagina...I don't know how bad the pain can be...I want to help her....but fell so distant from her.
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