archived introductions (May 2016)

Welcome. :-)

I've only been here for a week. Great people here.

Take care.

It's fair to assume that we all contribute to our problems in some way.  Maybe not even in a meaningful way.  Or maybe as simple as being so pissed at the situation that it'd be hard to recover it.  Goodness knows I'm not all smiles, because the situation sucks.  Heck, maybe some of us have legitimately earned our spouse's disdain.

But... there's only so much under our control - we can only fix us.  Suppose you attain Nirvana and fix everything in your power.  Guess what?  It's still broken if he's not working on his part.

Yes, we should own our own issues.  Yes, we should work to improve ourselves.  No, we don't own sole responsibility for our situations.

Your therapist is helping you do what you can; what she can help you with.  But she needs to also help you to be at peace with what you cannot control, rather than being burdened by it.

(I had similar challenges with my therapist, and eventually realized that she was helping with the parts she could.  Eventually we both concluded that therapy for me wasn't going to improve things further.)

DC

Hello Omixochitl. Why does your screen name make me think of some Aztec drink with cocoa and vanilla in it, beaten with a bamboo whisk?  <scratches head>

Why does your therapist 'steer' you? 
Their job is to ask you questions in a way so you can work out some solution for yourself.

Have you known this therapist for long? Do they know you really well, or are they trying to force you into a mold of sorts?

OMG thank you everybody who responded to my despondency...Well, riddle me this. For the first time in a session, I argued with my therapist. She said that our therapeutic relationship was not a place to "solve" the problem. And yet, she seems to be saying that if I can grow up and be less intense in my half, that it would give my husband the room to be affectionate and sexual again. Doesn't this sound like a solution to you? {scratches head}
Yes my name is a Nahuatl word for the Tuberose flower. I have a long and abiding interest in all things Mexican.
She is more of a coach than a therapist. Her milieu is Bowen family therapy. I sought her out after reading about this therapeutic school and its emphasis on our issues being handed down through generations. I would like to share with you a quote from another website where our mutual problem was the focus.


"Arborgreen, on March 9, 2009 at 7:33 am said:

In the last few years, my husband has opened up enough to talk about how much he was hurt, felt abandoned, rejected etc. by his mother and still is hurt. He really does not see and has no empathy that he is treating me the same way his mother treated him. It seems that he can not grow up, and can not take a step forward to separate emotionally from his childhood. He may be trying to keep some false hope alive that he will someday get what he never got as a child. The problem with that is that you can’t go back, it can’t be fixed, undone or redone. He is hurting the very people who really do love him now. He has talked in person with his mother but she does not see what she has done, she has no remorse. She is just the nicest person when you meet her but very selfish and out of sight out of mind is her way of living. He really has tried to get closer to her but just when he thinks he is making progress she always disappears again. I think this keeps the past alive for him. He is still trying to please her, to have her like him, to have her want him.
He wants to be independent and safe by avoiding intimacy. I think he fears acceptance as much as rejection and fears getting too close. It is as though he collects life’s injustices and uses them as an excuse to punish me. He is purposefully driving me away perhaps to continue being a victim so he can say “my mother left me and my wife did too”

I don’t think that he can see that the passive aggressive behaviors are a problem for him and he isn’t uncomfortable enough to change. However, I am uncomfortable and do not want to live for the next 5 or more years on only crumbs of affection. The man can only hesitantly touch my hand or shoulder for a second or two now. And this is only after I have talked with him extensively and he has been in counseling for 8 months. This is as far as he is willing to go and think that it is just the minimum that he is doing to pacify me and make me wait. “Wait” is his favorite game and excuse.

Here is what I would like to say to the passive aggressives out there.

When you stop adding injustices to your collection, when you grow up and stop playing the victim, when you can come to terms with your past and move on into the present, when you can change the misinformation and faulty childish beliefs that guide you, when you let go of your unresolved anger, when you stop hurting others, trying to control, using and manipulating because it makes you feel good, when you stop using lies and excuses to provoke, when you can stop withdrawing and withholding affection, when you can share yourself and actively participate in life, when you can allow yourself to express real affection without any underlying passive aggression, then we can have a relationship.

Arborgreen"

Ok I'm going to post in another section from now on. Thanks for the welcoming words

Welcome redzombie to our suppotive, no-judgment motley crew. We talk about anything and everything, and try to keep each other sane.