archived introductions (July/Aug/Sept 2016)

Presumably, what you would like is a marriage, kids and all the trimmings etc, but with no emotional investment by you, and no intimacy input from you toward your spouse.
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What your missus wants is not disclosed in your story, but presumably, it ain't a match with what you want.
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Nominally, your position would indeed come under the heading of being a refuser (wanting only the aspects of the union that suit you and being a non participant in the aspects you don't like) and your problem is likely to come from your missus who might decide that the deal is not meeting her idea of a functional marriage. She may at some point, choose to end the deal. And perhaps, strike out on her own to seek a relationship that meets ALL her needs.
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For that matter, you might do the same thing. You, might end this deal, and seek out a relationship that fits ALL your needs.
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Meantime, onward this deal will go, with neither of you getting what you want out of it.
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Theoretically, if your missus eyeballed you and expressed a wish to end this, and divorce, what would your attitude be ?
Would you be aghast at that prospect and resist it at all costs to preserve what already is in place ?
Might you perhaps be receptive to the concept of you BOTH being freed up to pursue your individual aspirations ?

I want sex, just not with my wife or any woman who I am in a close relationship with. And this is because I simply can't function sexually in that kind of situation. With my wife, as with countless others in the beginning the mind was willing but the body simply would not cooperate and after trying over and over the mind was no longer willing either because of the shame and frustration. If past experience is any indicator I could go out tomorrow and have a one night stand or pay for sex and I'd function just fine. It seemed every therapist had a different theory as to the cause but the only one that made sense was a subconscious fear of emotional intimacy which causes a massive stress reaction that shuts me down sexually at a certain point soon after a relationship starts. The sad thing is that the more I liked and cared for the woman the faster I would start to suffer the sexual dysfunctions. As I said I desperately want sex, dream about having it almost every day but if I want to stay married I don't dare seek it outside the marriage. Anyway thanks for the kind words this seems like a good place to talk about these things as I never talk about it with anyone since I stopped going to therapy ten years ago.

In your own words Brother Danny, you suffer from a sexual dysfunction.
It has been that way for years apparently, predating your marriage even.
Presumably you married on the basis of hope that it would get better, and it has not done so.
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You don't appear to have been under any treatment for it for at least 10 years, and the unpalatable fact may be that it is untreatable anyway.
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What would you have to lose by having a very frank discussion with your missus (who really has worn a lot of collateral damage out of all this) and offering her an "out" ? An honourable ending of the situation with goodwill on both your parts preserving your parental involvements with each other (and kids) and a respectful ongoing relationship as two individual adults ? But separate adults.
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If she went for it, you'd be free to pursue unemotional sex, you'd still have an appropriate relationship with your (ex) missus, you'd still be an engaged parent.
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Of course, it is possible that she might think ending things was an awful idea, in which case you'd be back at square #1 but you would, at the very minimum, have done the honourable thing and given her an option.
Maybe not a great option, but in these ILIASM situations, there are no "great" options.
Invariably the options are between one pretty unpalatable choice, and one really unpalatable choice.
It seems to always come down to which is the "least worst".
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Big and difficult choices ahead of you Brother Danny.
I wish you clarity to help you make them.

At this stage of the game sounds like you should do what you would want to make your life happy. Since you just need sex with no connection, be discreet, keep it from your wife and satisfy yourself sexually. You may risk your wife finding out and taking half the assets but that's the risk you take.
Life is about choices and sexuality is a very personal thing. Life is about choices and the choices we make provide rewards and consequences.

Just out of interest, it would be a good idea to check out the validity of her claim that she would "boot me out and take the kids and the house".
I think you will find that this is complete bullshit on her part and would NOT be legally enforcable. (unless you live in some really weird jurisdiction).
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Not that it makes any material difference to your situation, but it is always wise to be aware of the facts. It would cost you a phone call and 5 minutes of your time.

I didn't understand why smartkat, in her post above said "thank you for being brave enough to open up here" because I didn't read many posts after I joined and just wrote out my own story. However after reading quite a lot of the posts here in the last few days I think I now understand why she said it. When I joined up here I thought there would be a mix of people- those who wanted sex but were not getting it and those who, for whatever reason lacked desire or felt uncomfortable having sex with their spouse. I joined because I just wanted to talk with others about going months or years without sex and how people cope. But instead I find this site is mostly people whose spouses are not having sex with them. So I guess smartkat thought I was brave because I am the only person on here who, despite a strong sex drive, doesn't not want to have sex with my spouse (because I suffer serious sexual dysfunctions with her)

Reading the posts I saw a couple of people who didn't want sex with their partners but it was because of interpersonal reasons, they don't get along very well. I didn't see any of the type of situation I thought would be the majority here- people who were no longer sexually attracted to their spouses. No posts by people who didn't want sex because they lacked attraction, were sexually bored, and nothing about sexual dysfunctions in men which I thought very odd because it is such a huge problem in marriages. Nothing from people like me. So I guess that's why I am considered "brave"

My marriage is fine other than the lack of sex. We did the therapy route and it failed but we decided to stay together anyway for kids and financial reasons. I was hoping to be able to talk with others in similar situations especially those who have worked things out by having open marriages or other ways of seeking sexual release that doesn't involve sex with the spouse.

This site seems more like a marriage counselling place where spouses don't like each other or don't get along. Despite the name of the group sex, or lack of it, seems to be looked at as simply a symptom of a generally bad marriage. I was expecting more people here saying "I love sex just not with my spouse"

One of the biggest psychological reasons people don't want sex in close relationships can be found in their childhood. The children of alcoholics (like me) especially if they were abusive, physical or sexual abuse, parents who were mentally ill or drug addicts all cause their children to suffer from Attachment Disorders which make interpersonal and sexual functioning difficult (especially for men) later in life. And it is pretty widespread which is why enternaloptimism's comment that she had never heard of my problem before struck me as quite bizarre. I can assure you there are millions of us out there. We go by the name ACOA "Adult Children of Alcoholics" and there are all sorts of websites dedicated to this problem. Now granted not all ACOA's suffer from sexual dysfunctions when they enter into an emotionally intimate relationship but the lack of trust and the anxiety these types of relationships cause is very common. Men more than women suffer from sexual dysfunctions in close relationships but not in "arm's length" relationships, one night stands, paid sex etc. And, as my own experience with many different therapists has shown, it is almost impossible to fix these problems. Women sometimes tend to be overly clingy trying to "attach" or, like men, they love sex without having to be involved in a relationship. The porn business is full of women like this. 

A lack of sex is not the major topic on Attachment Disorder or ACOA websites because people also have a hard rime being in a relationship period which is not a problem I have. I needed to talk to people about sex which is why I came here.

This sexless marriage world is really different from what I thought it would be. I guess I thought it would be more about sex and less about interpersonal relationships but I guess that is because for me the two were always separated. Still it would be great to read more posts from people who suffer from sexual anxiety and sexual dysfunctions or those no longer sexually attracted or sexually bored rather than just the people who are married to them. I wonder why these people don't post here? Any idea?