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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2016 12:31:16 GMT -5
I didn't understand why smartkat, in her post above said "thank you for being brave enough to open up here" because I didn't read many posts after I joined and just wrote out my own story. However after reading quite a lot of the posts here in the last few days I think I now understand why she said it. When I joined up here I thought there would be a mix of people- those who wanted sex but were not getting it and those who, for whatever reason lacked desire or felt uncomfortable having sex with their spouse. I joined because I just wanted to talk with others about going months or years without sex and how people cope. But instead I find this site is mostly people whose spouses are not having sex with them. So I guess smartkat thought I was brave because I am the only person on here who, despite a strong sex drive, doesn't not want to have sex with my spouse (because I suffer serious sexual dysfunctions with her) Reading the posts I saw a couple of people who didn't want sex with their partners but it was because of interpersonal reasons, they don't get along very well. I didn't see any of the type of situation I thought would be the majority here- people who were no longer sexually attracted to their spouses. No posts by people who didn't want sex because they lacked attraction, were sexually bored, and nothing about sexual dysfunctions in men which I thought very odd because it is such a huge problem in marriages. Nothing from people like me. So I guess that's why I am considered "brave" My marriage is fine other than the lack of sex. We did the therapy route and it failed but we decided to stay together anyway for kids and financial reasons. I was hoping to be able to talk with others in similar situations especially those who have worked things out by having open marriages or other ways of seeking sexual release that doesn't involve sex with the spouse. This site seems more like a marriage counselling place where spouses don't like each other or don't get along. Despite the name of the group sex, or lack of it, seems to be looked at as simply a symptom of a generally bad marriage. I was expecting more people here saying "I love sex just not with my spouse" One of the biggest psychological reasons people don't want sex in close relationships can be found in their childhood. The children of alcoholics (like me) especially if they were abusive, physical or sexual abuse, parents who were mentally ill or drug addicts all cause their children to suffer from Attachment Disorders which make interpersonal and sexual functioning difficult (especially for men) later in life. And it is pretty widespread which is why enternaloptimism's comment that she had never heard of my problem before struck me as quite bizarre. I can assure you there are millions of us out there. We go by the name ACOA "Adult Children of Alcoholics" and there are all sorts of websites dedicated to this problem. Now granted not all ACOA's suffer from sexual dysfunctions when they enter into an emotionally intimate relationship but the lack of trust and the anxiety these types of relationships cause is very common. Men more than women suffer from sexual dysfunctions in close relationships but not in "arm's length" relationships, one night stands, paid sex etc. And, as my own experience with many different therapists has shown, it is almost impossible to fix these problems. Women sometimes tend to be overly clingy trying to "attach" or, like men, they love sex without having to be involved in a relationship. The porn business is full of women like this. A lack of sex is not the major topic on Attachment Disorder or ACOA websites because people also have a hard rime being in a relationship period which is not a problem I have. I needed to talk to people about sex which is why I came here. This sexless marriage world is really different from what I thought it would be. I guess I thought it would be more about sex and less about interpersonal relationships but I guess that is because for me the two were always separated. Still it would be great to read more posts from people who suffer from sexual anxiety and sexual dysfunctions or those no longer sexually attracted or sexually bored rather than just the people who are married to them. I wonder why these people don't post here? Any idea? Maybe we're reading different groups, because I get the impression that those who have lost desire for their spouse outnumber those who still crave a root. I did a poll on just that topic and the overwhelming majority had no desire for their spouse anymore. It's usually because the years of rejection have shut them down. So yes, a different reason, but those here who still want their spouse sexually seem to be a minority. It is true though that with exceptions almost everyone here, at least among those who post, is the refused spouse. I think the reason you haven't seen much talk of open marriage as a solution is that it isn't. Yeah it works for some but not most.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Sept 10, 2016 16:11:11 GMT -5
I didn't understand why smartkat, in her post above said "thank you for being brave enough to open up here" because I didn't read many posts after I joined and just wrote out my own story. However after reading quite a lot of the posts here in the last few days I think I now understand why she said it. When I joined up here I thought there would be a mix of people- those who wanted sex but were not getting it and those who, for whatever reason lacked desire or felt uncomfortable having sex with their spouse. I joined because I just wanted to talk with others about going months or years without sex and how people cope. But instead I find this site is mostly people whose spouses are not having sex with them. So I guess smartkat thought I was brave because I am the only person on here who, despite a strong sex drive, doesn't not want to have sex with my spouse (because I suffer serious sexual dysfunctions with her) Reading the posts I saw a couple of people who didn't want sex with their partners but it was because of interpersonal reasons, they don't get along very well. I didn't see any of the type of situation I thought would be the majority here- people who were no longer sexually attracted to their spouses. No posts by people who didn't want sex because they lacked attraction, were sexually bored, and nothing about sexual dysfunctions in men which I thought very odd because it is such a huge problem in marriages. Nothing from people like me. So I guess that's why I am considered "brave" My marriage is fine other than the lack of sex. We did the therapy route and it failed but we decided to stay together anyway for kids and financial reasons. I was hoping to be able to talk with others in similar situations especially those who have worked things out by having open marriages or other ways of seeking sexual release that doesn't involve sex with the spouse. This site seems more like a marriage counselling place where spouses don't like each other or don't get along. Despite the name of the group sex, or lack of it, seems to be looked at as simply a symptom of a generally bad marriage. I was expecting more people here saying "I love sex just not with my spouse" One of the biggest psychological reasons people don't want sex in close relationships can be found in their childhood. The children of alcoholics (like me) especially if they were abusive, physical or sexual abuse, parents who were mentally ill or drug addicts all cause their children to suffer from Attachment Disorders which make interpersonal and sexual functioning difficult (especially for men) later in life. And it is pretty widespread which is why enternaloptimism's comment that she had never heard of my problem before struck me as quite bizarre. I can assure you there are millions of us out there. We go by the name ACOA "Adult Children of Alcoholics" and there are all sorts of websites dedicated to this problem. Now granted not all ACOA's suffer from sexual dysfunctions when they enter into an emotionally intimate relationship but the lack of trust and the anxiety these types of relationships cause is very common. Men more than women suffer from sexual dysfunctions in close relationships but not in "arm's length" relationships, one night stands, paid sex etc. And, as my own experience with many different therapists has shown, it is almost impossible to fix these problems. Women sometimes tend to be overly clingy trying to "attach" or, like men, they love sex without having to be involved in a relationship. The porn business is full of women like this. A lack of sex is not the major topic on Attachment Disorder or ACOA websites because people also have a hard rime being in a relationship period which is not a problem I have. I needed to talk to people about sex which is why I came here. This sexless marriage world is really different from what I thought it would be. I guess I thought it would be more about sex and less about interpersonal relationships but I guess that is because for me the two were always separated. Still it would be great to read more posts from people who suffer from sexual anxiety and sexual dysfunctions or those no longer sexually attracted or sexually bored rather than just the people who are married to them. I wonder why these people don't post here? Any idea? dannyc - I'm ACA also. Different issues, though, but my ACA group helps me & this forum has too. I hope you find something helpful (if not here, somewhere)
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Post by becca on Sept 10, 2016 16:57:09 GMT -5
I am new to this forum...not a former EP (cool that so many of you came over together though). I have been married to H for 20+ years (I am 49 and he is 52)and sexless for 9ish. The youngest just moved out and now it is just us. Maybe time to face this issue head on instead of always skirting around it.
I really do not believe he is having an affair. I know alcohol has something to do with it but he will use any excuse. I almost wish he was having an affair but it is more like he is asexual now. And he makes me sound sex crazed and tells me how I just don't understand the pressures he is under. Although it has been awhile since that conversation because I grew tired of the rejection and so just don't try anymore. I just keep my sex crazed self on my side of the bed.
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Post by bballgirl on Sept 10, 2016 18:04:45 GMT -5
I am new to this forum...not a former EP (cool that so many of you came over together though). I have been married to H for 20+ years (I am 49 and he is 52)and sexless for 9ish. The youngest just moved out and now it is just us. Maybe time to face this issue head on instead of always skirting around it. I really do not believe he is having an affair. I know alcohol has something to do with it but he will use any excuse. I almost wish he was having an affair but it is more like he is asexual now. And he makes me sound sex crazed and tells me how I just don't understand the pressures he is under. Although it has been awhile since that conversation because I grew tired of the rejection and so just don't try anymore. I just keep my sex crazed self on my side of the bed. [ Welcome becca sorry you have found yourself here but it's a great group for support and fun. Read a lot it helps.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2016 19:03:09 GMT -5
I am new to this forum...not a former EP (cool that so many of you came over together though). I have been married to H for 20+ years (I am 49 and he is 52)and sexless for 9ish. The youngest just moved out and now it is just us. Maybe time to face this issue head on instead of always skirting around it. I really do not believe he is having an affair. I know alcohol has something to do with it but he will use any excuse. I almost wish he was having an affair but it is more like he is asexual now. And he makes me sound sex crazed and tells me how I just don't understand the pressures he is under. Although it has been awhile since that conversation because I grew tired of the rejection and so just don't try anymore. I just keep my sex crazed self on my side of the bed. He may be under incredible pressure but that doesn't necessitate him ridiculing your sexuality. So you know what? He's a bullshitter. Start knocking that exit plan into shape.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 10, 2016 20:31:14 GMT -5
Maybe we're reading different groups, because I get the impression that those who have lost desire for their spouse outnumber those who still crave a root. I did a poll on just that topic and the overwhelming majority had no desire for their spouse anymore. It's usually because the years of rejection have shut them down. So yes, a different reason, but those here who still want their spouse sexually seem to be a minority. It is true though that with exceptions almost everyone here, at least among those who post, is the refused spouse. I think the reason you haven't seen much talk of open marriage as a solution is that it isn't. Yeah it works for some but not most. I was kind of shocked when I read what you wrote....until you qualified it. Maybe we should say- Primary Refusers like me and Secondary Refusers who don't want sex BECAUSE they themselves have been refused.
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Post by baza on Sept 11, 2016 4:02:13 GMT -5
The membership here is, primarily, refused spouses. With the odd refusive spouse. - And, although they are at opposite ends of the spectrum, there is one common element to them. That being that the relationship they are in, is dysfunctional. A mis-match. - And from that position, everyone, be they refuser or refused, starts off equal. The choices confronting them are identical. They are either going to stay in the dysfunctional situation, or they are not. - If they are not, then it doesn't matter a rat's arse whether you are the refused or the refuser. Either way, you need - - legal advice relevant to your jurisdiction as to how a divorce would shake out for you - an exit strategy, knocked in to do-able status - a support network to help you through this awful process - full research on how to help kids (if any) handle the transition. There are no shortcuts to this, it makes no difference if you are the refuser or the refused. Who is the refuser, who is the refused, ceased to be relevant a while back. Those terms are useful only for blame apportioning, and blame apportioning is a useless pursuit once your deal has reached ILIASM shithole status. - Of course, the other option - staying - is a matter over which you control only YOUR preference. Whether you are refuser or refused. If your spouse chooses to leave, that effectively trumps your preference (so you'd do well to address those 4 points above yourself). - Refuser / refused. They are 'different' only up to a point. When the deal has degenerated into an ILIASM shithole. Then, they are pretty much the same, with the same choices confronting them.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 11, 2016 7:13:09 GMT -5
The membership here is, primarily, refused spouses. With the odd refusive spouse. - And, although they are at opposite ends of the spectrum, there is one common element to them. That being that the relationship they are in, is dysfunctional. A mis-match. - And from that position, everyone, be they refuser or refused, starts off equal. The choices confronting them are identical. They are either going to stay in the dysfunctional situation, or they are not. - If they are not, then it doesn't matter a rat's arse whether you are the refused or the refuser. Either way, you need - - legal advice relevant to your jurisdiction as to how a divorce would shake out for you - an exit strategy, knocked in to do-able status - a support network to help you through this awful process - full research on how to help kids (if any) handle the transition. There are no shortcuts to this, it makes no difference if you are the refuser or the refused. Who is the refuser, who is the refused, ceased to be relevant a while back. Those terms are useful only for blame apportioning, and blame apportioning is a useless pursuit once your deal has reached ILIASM shithole status. - Of course, the other option - staying - is a matter over which you control only YOUR preference. Whether you are refuser or refused. If your spouse chooses to leave, that effectively trumps your preference (so you'd do well to address those 4 points above yourself). - Refuser / refused. They are 'different' only up to a point. When the deal has degenerated into an ILIASM shithole. Then, they are pretty much the same, with the same choices confronting them. baza hits the spot once again. Your realism and pragmatism are on fire here sir. So true x
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Post by wewbwb on Sept 11, 2016 7:34:57 GMT -5
I am new to this forum...not a former EP (cool that so many of you came over together though). I have been married to H for 20+ years (I am 49 and he is 52)and sexless for 9ish. The youngest just moved out and now it is just us. Maybe time to face this issue head on instead of always skirting around it. I really do not believe he is having an affair. I know alcohol has something to do with it but he will use any excuse. I almost wish he was having an affair but it is more like he is asexual now. And he makes me sound sex crazed and tells me how I just don't understand the pressures he is under. Although it has been awhile since that conversation because I grew tired of the rejection and so just don't try anymore. I just keep my sex crazed self on my side of the bed. I'm sorry. I know how that is. You found a safe place to rant and vent.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2016 9:35:38 GMT -5
Welcome, becca. Glad you found us; sorry about the reason.
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Post by becca on Sept 12, 2016 9:36:36 GMT -5
Welcome, becca . Glad you found us; sorry about the reason. Thank you smartkat. I have really enjoyed reading your posts!
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Post by Deleted on Sept 12, 2016 11:55:11 GMT -5
The membership here is, primarily, refused spouses. With the odd refusive spouse. - And, although they are at opposite ends of the spectrum, there is one common element to them. That being that the relationship they are in, is dysfunctional. A mis-match. - And from that position, everyone, be they refuser or refused, starts off equal. The choices confronting them are identical. They are either going to stay in the dysfunctional situation, or they are not. - If they are not, then it doesn't matter a rat's arse whether you are the refused or the refuser. Either way, you need - - legal advice relevant to your jurisdiction as to how a divorce would shake out for you - an exit strategy, knocked in to do-able status - a support network to help you through this awful process - full research on how to help kids (if any) handle the transition. There are no shortcuts to this, it makes no difference if you are the refuser or the refused. Who is the refuser, who is the refused, ceased to be relevant a while back. Those terms are useful only for blame apportioning, and blame apportioning is a useless pursuit once your deal has reached ILIASM shithole status. - Of course, the other option - staying - is a matter over which you control only YOUR preference. Whether you are refuser or refused. If your spouse chooses to leave, that effectively trumps your preference (so you'd do well to address those 4 points above yourself). - Refuser / refused. They are 'different' only up to a point. When the deal has degenerated into an ILIASM shithole. Then, they are pretty much the same, with the same choices confronting them. baza hits the spot once again. Your realism and pragmatism are on fire here sir. So true x Especially on the legal advice. Often we read tales of grandiose threats from a spouse faced with getting dumped..."I'll take the house and the kids and leave you with nothing!" Really? Has the likelihood of this apocalyptic outcome been confirmed by someone who is actually an expert in family law? Talking to a lawyer should be the first thing you do once you decide to leave. In fact you should talk to a lawyer even when you first decide you're seriously thinking about it. The law is a tangled mess and you can and should educate yourself but aside from the emotional and social aspects of this, you are entering into a complex legal process and need professional advice.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 13, 2016 20:29:30 GMT -5
I don't want to leave the marriage I simply want to be able to go out and have sex once a week or so. The marriage is good I just want some sexual freedom so I can enjoy sex in a manner than I'm comfortable with. If I left my marriage and tried to enter into a relationship with somebody else that relationship would also become sexless and most women are not as understanding as my wife.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 14, 2016 0:44:14 GMT -5
If she'll let you, you should x
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Post by eternaloptimism on Sept 14, 2016 0:44:53 GMT -5
Most other halves won't let the refused spouse go elsewhere though. X
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