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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 12, 2018 9:40:59 GMT -5
LOL...yeah, how do you think I landed the affair?  But alas, the affair partner is staying with his 20-something-year-old girlfriend. Which brought a host of other issues--- like, WHAT THE FUCK! He would choose a cute little thing over a smart, beautiful, successful woman his own age? It seriously has messed with my mind. I think my age and what this guy just did to me (choosing her over me) caused me to put on the brakes on my divorce proceedings and re-evaluate. Because if my competition is a 23-year-old unattached cute thing, I just don't know what to do with that. Sure, she's cute, but seriously..... I just got beat by a little girl who lives at home? Just....no words. Or, better yet -- why do I choose men who don't want me? What am I missing? Here's an article that may help you. I like so many of her writings. They are just as applicable for women too! shrink4men.com/2018/01/12/the-difference-between-love-bombing-and-genuine-admiration/I read that this is common with men in their 40's and 50's. Getting divorced and hooking up with some fling, 20 to 30 yrs. younger? Not for me, hopefully many others out there like myself, who need more than "sex". |
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 12, 2018 9:50:54 GMT -5
Thanks for the link, greatcoastal. But actually, I don't ever think I've been love bombed. It's quite the opposite. I am attracted to men who give me NOTHING, and then I work, work, work to prove my worth.
[How do I tag people in posts?]
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 12, 2018 9:55:20 GMT -5
greatcoastal, I have two homes -- one in Cocoa Beach, where I'm at now, but my "real" life is in another state. I didn't say that I homeschooled my kids, but it's interesting that you assumed that (and you are right). I don't anymore, because it was one of the steps I took to take care of myself. My church has recognized my status and put "99% of the blame" (that was a quote) on my husband. Problem is that with my kids, it's reversed. We get along great, and so they don't understand or want their family broken up. They have NO IDEA about the sexless marriage, and I'm just unwilling to go there until they are adults and ask. So, yes, it feels good to be validated. But it is also very very scary to drop a bomb on my kids like this. They've already voiced their STRONG opinions, and I wonder if I'd just be trading one set of problems (sexless marriage) for another (great kids going off the rails). Hello neighbor! ( Melbourne/ Indialantic) I believe I am a good two years ahead of you in your "hell is coming to breakfast" episode of your life. I too have had years of homeschooling, adoption, and have six kids, 5 teenagers and the oldest turning 21. I hope I/we can continue with affirmation and guidance on your self and family restoration. |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 12, 2018 9:59:47 GMT -5
Thanks for the link, greatcoastal. But actually, I don't ever think I've been love bombed. It's quite the opposite. I am attracted to men who give me NOTHING, and then I work, work, work to prove my worth. [How do I tag people in posts?] You can click on the "Quote" (upper right) then type in your response below as I have done. Then scroll down and click on "create post" |
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 12, 2018 10:10:20 GMT -5
Thanks for the link, greatcoastal. But actually, I don't ever think I've been love bombed. It's quite the opposite. I am attracted to men who give me NOTHING, and then I work, work, work to prove my worth. [How do I tag people in posts?] There is a lot in that article about "proving your worth" being co-dependent. That is something I relate to all to well. I married a "manipulative controller, a narcissist". Don't know how familiar you are with those terms? I don't want to overload you with advice. Let your new discovery with this sight give you a pleasant day! A freedom that goes with self worth. Make this an abundant weekend. One with a purpose. Let your true self flow from the inside out! |
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Post by hopingforachange on Jan 12, 2018 10:17:03 GMT -5
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Post by surfergirl on Jan 12, 2018 11:04:58 GMT -5
greatcoastal I want and need all the advice I can get, especially from people who are several steps ahead of me. That's why I'm here. I've already vented to my therapist and best friend. I need to know how to fix what's wrong with me and how to move forward and stop doing the same thing and expecting something different. I'm too desperate to be defensive. To get clinical, my husband was diagnosed dismissive avoidant on a scale the therapist has never seen in 30 years of practice. I'm C-PTSD, but that's a self-diagnosis based on VanderKolk's The Body Keeps Score. My therapist doesn't entirely agree because I am a very good functioner. I don't think she's right, and I'm sick of changing therapists. Perhaps I need to write a post and lay it all out. Would anyone read it or care?
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Post by greatcoastal on Jan 12, 2018 11:14:08 GMT -5
I want and need all the advice I can get, especially from people who are several steps ahead of me. That's why I'm here. I've already vented to my therapist and best friend. I need to know how to fix what's wrong with me and how to move forward and stop doing the same thing and expecting something different. I'm too desperate to be defensive. To get clinical, my husband was diagnosed dismissive avoidant on a scale the therapist has never seen in 30 years of practice. I'm C-PTSD, but that's a self-diagnosis based on VanderKolk's The Body Keeps Score. My therapist doesn't entirely agree because I am a very good functioner. I don't think she's right, and I'm sick of changing therapists. Perhaps I need to write a post and lay it all out. Would anyone read it or care? YES they will!! You will get a flood of much deserved and needed support. Especially from other women! Give it a day or two, and re-post parts of your story, under the folder "sexless marriage issues". (things slow down a little on the weekends and pick up on Monday) I'm one of the few available during the day. (that's about to change) others will gladly connect with you mornings and evenings! Enjoy being a giver by posting, AND FINALLY RECEIVING BACK! If you don't quit you can't loose! |
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Post by hopingforachange on Jan 12, 2018 11:44:48 GMT -5
I want and need all the advice I can get, especially from people who are several steps ahead of me. That's why I'm here. I've already vented to my therapist and best friend. I need to know how to fix what's wrong with me and how to move forward and stop doing the same thing and expecting something different. I'm too desperate to be defensive. To get clinical, my husband was diagnosed dismissive avoidant on a scale the therapist has never seen in 30 years of practice. I'm C-PTSD, but that's a self-diagnosis based on VanderKolk's The Body Keeps Score. My therapist doesn't entirely agree because I am a very good functioner. I don't think she's right, and I'm sick of changing therapists. Perhaps I need to write a post and lay it all out. Would anyone read it or care? Yes, share as much as you want. Think of this site as a support group. We are here to listen, share, offer suggests and to be a shoulder to cry on. |
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 13, 2018 17:31:49 GMT -5
LOL...yeah, how do you think I landed the affair? But alas, the affair partner is staying with his 20-something-year-old girlfriend. Which brought a host of other issues--- like, WHAT THE FUCK! He would choose a cute little thing over a smart, beautiful, successful woman his own age? It seriously has messed with my mind. I think my age and what this guy just did to me (choosing her over me) caused me to put on the brakes on my divorce proceedings and re-evaluate. Because if my competition is a 23-year-old unattached cute thing, I just don't know what to do with that. Sure, she's cute, but seriously..... I just got beat by a little girl who lives at home? Just....no words. Or, better yet -- why do I choose men who don't want me? What am I missing? It's good you see a therapist and focus on yourself. There are plenty of men out there to have hot sex with. You need to figure out what you want for yourself. I divorced my husband 2 years ago after 23 years of marriage and I put myself out there to date as well as have a fwb. I can relate to when you say you get along with your H and he's a good business partner, just not sexually compatible. In my situation after a year and a half I decided that I wanted back with my H for companionship and stability and to have a fwb on the side for sex. I'm not interested in sex with the father of my children and for me I prefer quality over quantity. I think when you are starving for sex it's all you can think about and there was a time when I felt like I needed it at least 3 times a week. Now I'm good with once or twice a month. I do not regret the divorce, it was the right thing and I thoroughly enjoyed my 2 years of the single life. Maybe a separation instead of a divorce would help you figure things out for yourself too? Just an idea. Stay and cheat has its advantages too. Oh and I'm with your therapist, drop that Fwb with the 20 year old gf - he's clueless and just needs to feel like he still has it, he's a user. |
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 14, 2018 18:42:08 GMT -5
"Which brought a host of other issues--- like, WHAT THE FUCK! He would choose a cute little thing over a smart, beautiful, successful woman his own age? It seriously has messed with my mind. I think my age and what this guy just did to me (choosing her over me) caused me to put on the brakes on my divorce proceedings and re-evaluate. Because if my competition is a 23-year-old unattached cute thing, I just don't know what to do with that. Sure, she's cute, but seriously..... I just got beat by a little girl who lives at home? Just....no words. "
I can understand why you're hurt. It's painful to be dumped especially if one is dumped for someone whom one feels has less to offer than you have. However, what he did makes sense to me. All he and you were were fuck buddies. He was just looking for the best willing body he could copulate with. He wasn't looking for a lifetime companion, brains, wife, a woman with career success, someone wise to talk to, someone whom he could bring to business dinners whom he knew would be able to converse and act in a way to make him glad to be with her. If he did want a lifetime companion, you aren't available for that anyway since you're married. He probably offers the 20-year-old financial help or expensive outings. She's a sugar baby. He's her sugar daddy. Sex with the benefits each wants. No strings.
If what you want is a man who'll treasure you for your brains, wisdom, social skills as well as your lovemaking, by divorcing, you'll up the odds of finding such a man.
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Post by blueeyedboytn on Jan 15, 2018 6:42:06 GMT -5
greatcoastal I want and need all the advice I can get, especially from people who are several steps ahead of me. That's why I'm here. I've already vented to my therapist and best friend. I need to know how to fix what's wrong with me and how to move forward and stop doing the same thing and expecting something different. I'm too desperate to be defensive. To get clinical, my husband was diagnosed dismissive avoidant on a scale the therapist has never seen in 30 years of practice. I'm C-PTSD, but that's a self-diagnosis based on VanderKolk's The Body Keeps Score. My therapist doesn't entirely agree because I am a very good functioner. I don't think she's right, and I'm sick of changing therapists. Perhaps I need to write a post and lay it all out. Would anyone read it or care? Welcome...I dont post much here but I do read ALOT and it was very mind opening for me to know I was not alone in this non affectionate marriage world. I like you get along great with my spouse in every facet.....except one. Keep your head up and soak this site and everyones advice up....I am and its help me cope for now. |
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Post by blueeyedboytn on Jan 15, 2018 6:45:28 GMT -5
[/quote] Welcome blueeyedboytn ! Fellow Tennessean? Practice makes perfect, so keep typin’! [/quote] Thanks...I will keep practicing! Lol Yes fellow Tennessean! Love TN.... Cookeville area. |
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shari
New Member
Posts: 2 
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Post by shari on Jan 20, 2018 23:22:30 GMT -5
hi New here ...can't believe i had to come looking for a site like this...... I am 47 & my husband is 8 yrs older. |
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Post by baza on Jan 20, 2018 23:46:38 GMT -5
Welcome to the zoo Sister shari . I figure you have been reading in here prior to registering. That (reading) is a pretty good idea. And then, when and if you feel like it, you might post your story. And you might get some helpful feedback. And you'll almost certainly hear some very challenging stuff as well. |
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