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Post by baza on Feb 21, 2022 2:02:13 GMT -5
This is a pretty good resource for the ILIASM conundrum Brother pnwguy . Whatever stage of the journey you are at, someone here is at the same point as you, or a bit further on, or through their process. And for the most part, existing members will give you feedback based on their own first hand experience.
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Post by coolhand on Feb 26, 2022 14:33:51 GMT -5
Hello all! I have been married almost 14 years now and our sexlife has been a rollercoaster for years, times of plenty followed by drought. It's been over 2 years since we last engaged in lovemaking and prior to that only three times in 4 yrs. I've become withdrawn and non attentive as a result of the combo of stress at home and work and my temper has a severely shortened fuse now. My wife and I have had numerous talks about this and the lack of sex. The latest admission from her being that she no longer wants sex and I just need to deal with it if I want to stay in the relationship. I have no desire to divorce and I don't want to stray, but at this point I'm going hate myself either way.
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 26, 2022 14:43:42 GMT -5
Welcome coolhand,...If you are new, you will find us an empathetic bunch. I would encourage you to post your marriage history in the SM Issues or the Choosing to Stay themes. The more you tell the group the better response you will get and the most specific any advice will be. I encourage you to read as much as possible and don't hesitate tp ask questions. Most everyone here has been or is currently going through the same relationship issues you are facing. One question I have for you. What do you think your W means when she says, "just deal with it"?
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Post by baza on Feb 26, 2022 19:31:03 GMT -5
Well Brother coolhand , your missus has it pretty right when she says - "that she no longer wants sex and I just need to deal with it if I want to stay in the relationship" You WILL have to deal with it. Now, the question is - in what manner are you going to do so ? Endure it ? Or undertake some other course of action (bearing in mind you are not obliged to do anything) Within this group you will find opinions about your three options (stay, cheat, leave) and hopefully you'll find your own answers to these very difficult choices. Welcome.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Feb 26, 2022 23:30:19 GMT -5
Hello all! I have been married almost 14 years now and our sexlife has been a rollercoaster for years, times of plenty followed by drought. It's been over 2 years since we last engaged in lovemaking and prior to that only three times in 4 yrs. I've become withdrawn and non attentive as a result of the combo of stress at home and work and my temper has a severely shortened fuse now. My wife and I have had numerous talks about this and the lack of sex. The latest admission from her being that she no longer wants sex and I just need to deal with it if I want to stay in the relationship. I have no desire to divorce and I don't want to stray, but at this point I'm going hate myself either way. Welcome cool hand. I will say my temper got worse as time went on. I hope if you are staying you can make peace with it and find a way to be happy because life is too short Stay or go outsource or not you have plenty of good company on this site
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Post by ironhamster on Mar 5, 2022 21:25:50 GMT -5
Welcome, coolhand. I recall someone one said that history doesn't repeat itself but it often rhymes. You will find a lot of real life stories of people with the same struggles you are currently facing, and how they got over them. It helps, not just to know you are not alone, but to know that there is hope for your future.
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sosad
New Member
Posts: 4
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Post by sosad on Mar 27, 2022 12:15:54 GMT -5
Hi everyone. I am new to this forum but unfortunately not new to the whole sexless marriage thing. I ran across a post from ggold on the 7 stages of grief in a sexless marriage and was compelled to join. I’ve been married for 17 years and was blindsided 15 years ago (after the birth of our daughter) when my perfect marriage somehow became sexless. I’ve been through so much pain and self hatred and begging for answers and shame and anger and thought I was finally resigned to my situation. Until… a man at my work started to show interest in me. It’s just flirty not serious but having someone call me an angel and comment on how good I look on the daily has almost broken me. Not his fault, he knows I’m married but obviously doesn’t know that for years I have felt unworthy, ugly, old, disgusting, the list goes on. I guess I just need to be around some people who know what I’m going through so I decided to sign up 😞
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Mar 27, 2022 13:35:17 GMT -5
Welcome to the club nobody really wants to be a part of. Unfortunately we don't hand out jackets or meet for cake on Saturdays but you will find some kindred spirits and hopefully some useful advice. Thanks for introducing yourself and sharing your story. Have a read of some of the postings. You will probably see yourself reflected perhaps. Hope to hear more from you. Hi everyone. I am new to this forum but unfortunately not new to the whole sexless marriage thing. I ran across a post from ggold on the 7 stages of grief in a sexless marriage and was compelled to join. I’ve been married for 17 years and was blindsided 15 years ago (after the birth of our daughter) when my perfect marriage somehow became sexless. I’ve been through so much pain and self hatred and begging for answers and shame and anger and thought I was finally resigned to my situation. Until… a man at my work started to show interest in me. It’s just flirty not serious but having someone call me an angel and comment on how good I look on the daily has almost broken me. Not his fault, he knows I’m married but obviously doesn’t know that for years I have felt unworthy, ugly, old, disgusting, the list goes on. I guess I just need to be around some people who know what I’m going through so I decided to sign up 😞
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Post by angeleyes65 on Mar 27, 2022 21:46:51 GMT -5
sosad that's what changes the tide when we figure out it's not us it's them and we have options. Welcome and enjoy the reading you will see pieces of your story in many other stories here.
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Post by bohumil on Apr 5, 2022 6:08:33 GMT -5
Hi, I’m new here. After three years in a 100% non-sexual marriage, I’m trying to decide whether or not it’s time to leave. time to leave. Does a sexless marriage ever get better? Is there anything that really helps?
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Post by angeleyes65 on Apr 5, 2022 13:02:46 GMT -5
bohumil "does a sexless marriage get better?" Statistic of this site says no. Personal experience says no. But I guess it depends on what is causing it and if the other person cares to fix it or even thinks it's s problem. As far as making it better, the marriage or your life existing in it? I know nothing that makes the marriage better but as far as quality of life I would say believing it's not you and not letting it ruin you self esteem. Not why chasing to the point you're beating a dead horse. And just doing what is best for you that helps you be happy inspite of the sexless marriage like a hobby,self improvement, hanging out with friends. Welcome to the club ! I'm sure you will find stories that line up with yours. Feel free to post more details on one of the other threads that you feel applies to your situation. 🙂
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Post by mirrororchid on Apr 5, 2022 18:21:15 GMT -5
... as far as quality of life I would say believing it's not you and not letting it ruin you self esteem. Not why chasing to the point you're beating a dead horse. ... bohumil If I can add... the term "why chasing" angeleyes65 refers to means large amounts of speculation as to the reason why a refusing spouse is refusing intimacy. The common wisdom is: It doesn't matter, and curiosity has limited utility. You may never know and your effort may be better spent on taking measures. Your profile doesn't say whether you're a gent or lady. My own observations agree that turnarounds are rare. The ladies have about triple the success rate, but triple rare is still rare. Most of teh time, what makes it happen is credible threat of divorce or opening the marriage (commonly referred to as " The Talk"). Sometimes, there's only a temporary resumption of intimacy we call a "reset". Some other terms you may hear around ILIASM can be found on this thread of the "Welcome" category: iliasm.org/thread/10/glossary-abbreviations"Why chasing" is among them: iliasm.org/post/84/thread
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Post by baza on Apr 5, 2022 18:38:32 GMT -5
Once things get bad enough for you to start googling "sexless marriage" the outlook is not very bright. But the upside here Brother bohumil , is that your deal has been running for 3 years. By the standards of this group (where the marriage has been in trouble for many years) your situation is "better" than the usual marriage seen in here. The clock is however, running, and 3 years quickly becomes 5 - and more. Welcome to the group.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Apr 6, 2022 13:29:00 GMT -5
This. Read this each and every day until you are compelled to action. Once things get bad enough for you to start googling "sexless marriage" the outlook is not very bright. But the upside here Brother bohumil , is that your deal has been running for 3 years. By the standards of this group (where the marriage has been in trouble for many years) your situation is "better" than the usual marriage seen in here. The clock is however, running, and 3 years quickly becomes 5 - and more. Welcome to the group.
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poppy
New Member
Posts: 1
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Post by poppy on Apr 8, 2022 7:37:24 GMT -5
Hey there everyone, I've been with my hubby for 24 years now- married for 16 of them, and since 2011 there has been no sex at all- even worse for me, as I'm a tactile person by nature, next-to-no hugs or touch of any kind. When I try to iniate a hug, or look like I might be leaning in for a hug or just a shoulder to shoulder press- he visibly stiffens, makes some sort of joke or comment and moves away. It's been a while since I tried to initiate any sort of touch now as I hate that feeling of rejection, but I've got to tell you- it's messed with my head to the point of needing anti-depressants. Having raised our daughter, and then traveled where his job took us,(not being able to work for most of that) I have no savings, and very little in my retirement fund, so leaving isn't an option right now, and the biz I started pre-covid is struggling now, thanks to the lockdowns we had. This would be a lot more survivable if it didn't leave me quite so lonely. Thanks for listening guys- It helps to know that I'm not really alone in this.
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