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Post by h on Jun 15, 2022 11:15:08 GMT -5
(we had fallen into maybe every week, then every two weeks, then monthly - I started getting out the calendar and jotting it down to prove we weren't having enough sex - I know, classic mistake).... ... The only physical interaction we have now is sleeping naked next to each other in bed. I am becoming the person I said I would never be - resentful, angry, hopeless (I gave up on joy, there will not be joy) and I want to leave, but he insists he does not want me to go, that he loves me, that it will get better... I don't think the calendar is a mistake at all. Getting out the calendar is an objective check on our perceptions. "It seems like a helluva long time. Isn't it?" we think to ourselves. Knowing couples have sex every 3-10 days, then using a calendar can give you perspective. You have hard numbers. It's no longer "a long time". It becomes, "We have half / a quarter / a tenth of a normal sex life. (some of us that LIASM would report that those anemic frequencies were relatively frisky) On the second note, as jim44444 pointed out, you can potentially experience physical closeness and not leave your husband. ILIASM member jerri may have some tips on that. We have members, like you, in the medical trap. You'll find some kindred spirits here. I'll second this cmac . Keep the calendar. I just keep a list of dates in a notepad. Having the concrete numbers prevents the gaslighting that is so common with refusers. "We JUST had sex not long ago! Why are you expecting it again so soon?" -because it was really over 3 months ago and you just refuse to recognize how long it actually was.
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Post by kilotango on Jun 20, 2022 9:44:38 GMT -5
Hi everyone,
First, I should admit this is the first message board I've ever posted to, or indeed the forum I've tried to join. So I'm not sure how to start.
It should surprise no one here that I have some... concerns, we'll call them, about my marriage. I don't really know where to begin. Maybe a brief synopsis? Also, I would be happy to reply to others posts if they so wish. I am less experienced than others, but I might be able to provide input.
Anyway, it's a "pleasure" to be here. Seriously, I can't imagine anyone wanted to be on ILIASM, but here we are. Let me know if I should post more, start a new thread, or whatever. At least its nice to be among company who can hopefully understand my problem.
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Post by deadzone75 on Jun 20, 2022 10:00:13 GMT -5
Hi everyone, First, I should admit this is the first message board I've ever posted to, or indeed the forum I've tried to join. So I'm not sure how to start. It should surprise no one here that I have some... concerns, we'll call them, about my marriage. I don't really know where to begin. Maybe a brief synopsis? Also, I would be happy to reply to others posts if they so wish. I am less experienced than others, but I might be able to provide input. Anyway, it's a "pleasure" to be here. Seriously, I can't imagine anyone wanted to be on ILIASM, but here we are. Let me know if I should post more, start a new thread, or whatever. At least its nice to be among company who can hopefully understand my problem. "Welcome", kilotango. Feel free to start however you wish. Here is a good a place as any to introduce your situation, to whatever extent you see fit. If you haven't already, explore the forum and you'll find categories to suit the flavor of your mind, from general SM discussion to more specific issues. You can be as brief or as long as you like. This will hopefully be a place where you feel comfortable talking/venting/yelling about your situation. I suspect, as with anyone who is in or has endured a SM, your emotions are fluid. It's safe in here.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jun 20, 2022 10:25:38 GMT -5
Welcome kilotango,...I would suggest you give some thought to why you are actually here. Are you just looking for some kindred spirits or perhaps hoping to find some answers? There are no therapists here, just a community of people who have found themselves in an unfortunate situation, that of being in a sexless marriage. Decide if you want to share (what and how much is up to you). But the more history and particulars you share the more specific your interactions with other members are likely to be. Your thoughts and experiences are welcome. No one has a monopoly on the truth, just what our experiences have taught us. Take what you can use and leave the rest. I would suggest you pick a category like Staying or SM Issues if you choose to post your story. You are more likely to get responses.
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Post by mastmatt on Jun 27, 2022 11:15:39 GMT -5
mastmatt welcome to the club. Safety in numbers and all that. Or at least comfort. …. My advice is go to individual counseling. After about 6 months see where you are at if you still want the marriage throw the gauntlet down on the marriage counseling. I wouldn't bother with sex counseling until she works through her resentment.If she can get past it and sex is still an issue then go to the sex counselor. You are right empty nest makes the elephant in the room bigger. That's the point where I left the marriage. Made it easier to go and harder to stay. Thanks for the advice! I do have a some positive news, we did have anniversary sex two weeks ago and it was good enough! She still enjoys having me around and misses me. It was nice not having any kids around, I think that can be a big hindrance to married sex with some women. Being empty nesters will give me/us more time for counseling also, that has mentioned in a roundabout way.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Jun 27, 2022 11:33:59 GMT -5
mastmatt welcome to the club. Safety in numbers and all that. Or at least comfort. …. My advice is go to individual counseling. After about 6 months see where you are at if you still want the marriage throw the gauntlet down on the marriage counseling. I wouldn't bother with sex counseling until she works through her resentment.If she can get past it and sex is still an issue then go to the sex counselor. You are right empty nest makes the elephant in the room bigger. That's the point where I left the marriage. Made it easier to go and harder to stay. Thanks for the advice! I do have a some positive news, we did have anniversary sex two weeks ago and it was good enough! She still enjoys having me around and misses me. It was nice not having any kids around, I think that can be a big hindrance to married sex with some women. Being empty nesters will give me/us more time for counseling also, that has mentioned in a roundabout way. That's awesome! Yes not having kids around does make for more opportunity and less having to be quiet lol. I will say we still get blocked from the adult kids lol. Either asking us to babysit or coming over to swim. But we have a lot of other time to readress it lol
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Post by klazikien on Jul 4, 2022 19:51:42 GMT -5
Ik ben Annemie en vraag me af hoe de niet seksverbinding is. Leven jullie naast elkaar of voelen jullie je nog verbonden? Is hij geïnteresseerd in wie jij bent, voelt, etc... Is hij met je be gaan, hoort en ziet hij jou? En ben je nog geïnteresseerd in wie hij is. Ik denk dat jouw huwelijk een naast elkaar leven is of heb ik het mis? Een huwelijk war 2 mensen niet verbonden zijn met elkaar is schadelijk voor de kinderen. Ze krijgen een verkeerd beeld can hoe mensen elkaar respect en liefde betuigen
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Post by mirrororchid on Jul 5, 2022 6:10:03 GMT -5
Ik ben Annemie en vraag me af hoe de niet seksverbinding is. Leven jullie naast elkaar of voelen jullie je nog verbonden? Is hij geïnteresseerd in wie jij bent, voelt, etc... Is hij met je be gaan, hoort en ziet hij jou? En ben je nog geïnteresseerd in wie hij is. Ik denk dat jouw huwelijk een naast elkaar leven is of heb ik het mis? Een huwelijk war 2 mensen niet verbonden zijn met elkaar is schadelijk voor de kinderen. Ze krijgen een verkeerd beeld can hoe mensen elkaar respect en liefde betuigen Google Translation:
Klazikien said: I'm Annemie and I wonder what the non-sex connection is like. Do you live side by side or do you still feel connected? Is he interested in who you are, how you feel, etc... Is he involved with you, does he hear and see you? And are you still interested in who he is. I think your marriage is coexisting or am I wrong? A marriage where 2 people are not connected is harmful to the children. They get the wrong idea of how people show each other respect and love
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Post by jameson68 on Sept 15, 2022 15:11:07 GMT -5
Hello everyone, I accidentally found this site and I’m grateful that I did. I spent some time reading the conversations and, while many have resonated, I can’t find a situation that’s quite like mine. I’ll open up a new conversation and look forward to engaging with anyone who has a perspective to offer. I’m male, 47 and have been married for three years. It is my second marriage and my wife and I have a two month old baby (our first)
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Post by worksforme2 on Sept 16, 2022 9:38:32 GMT -5
Welcome jameson68,...You may not find a member who's posts exactly mirror you own experiences in your marriage. But if you keep reading then you should find enough of other's experiences to hopefully be of some value. Good luck in your reading and again, welcome...'
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Post by blunder8 on Oct 20, 2022 15:16:58 GMT -5
Hello. This is not a forum group I ever hoped to join, like all of you I'm sure. I'm 58, wife is 57; married 36 years. I've gotten every excuse there is, and the pain of rejection is intensified by the lame excuses. The absolute worst one is no excuse at all . . . just completely ignore me, roll over like I don't exist and go to sleep.
Yes, I want sex with my wife, but I really crave the intimacy and bonding that it provides. She sees it as just me being a man and wanting the primitive fulfillment.
I've read through some of the threads and it actually helps tremendously. I have thought for the longest time that I was unique; that nobody else on earth was routinely denied requests for sex from their spouse, with the resulting feelings of confusion, anxiety, depression, and ultimately rejection/bitterness. She gets to unilaterally decide not to have sex; I get no vote.
I'm firmly in the "I'm staying in" camp because I love my wife and the family we've grown together (adult children; one who lives with us because of special needs). But, how to make sense of the absolutely gut-wrenching empty feeling of not being loved? Of her not caring that it hurts me deeply (yes, I've tried dozens of times to talk to her over the years). I'm ready to quit asking and enter the "roommate" stage. Argghhhhh!!!!
Mostly, I want to say thanks for providing this forum and for providing some measure of comfort in knowing that my situation is not unique, and this misery does love company. I don't know what the future will hold, but I'm resigned to my fate of a SM and to making goals and improvements to myself and plans for retirement that don't include her.
Peace.
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 20, 2022 15:38:20 GMT -5
Welcome blunder8,...Unfortunately yes, we have all been where you are today. Many members in the staying group unfortunately will be there for decades to come. You have had numerous talks with her with no positive results. Have you approached her about opening the marriage so you can have a FWB, or does that not interest you? Who knows, she may be willing to look the other way in a "don't ask, don't tell " arrangement.
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Post by blunder8 on Oct 20, 2022 16:24:13 GMT -5
Welcome blunder8,...Unfortunately yes, we have all been where you are today. Many members in the staying group unfortunately will be there for decades to come. You have had numerous talks with her with no positive results. Have you approached her about opening the marriage so you can have a FWB, or does that not interest you? Who knows, she may be willing to look the other way in a "don't ask, don't tell " arrangement. Honestly I've got so many feelings and emotions swirling around me I haven't really thought about that option; have not fully played out the scenario in my head. After decades of neglect, you'd think I would be more ready to pull the trigger on this. Any advice you have is welcome.
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Post by heelots on Oct 20, 2022 18:01:41 GMT -5
Hello. This is not a forum group I ever hoped to join, like all of you I'm sure. I'm 58, wife is 57; married 36 years. I've gotten every excuse there is, and the pain of rejection is intensified by the lame excuses. The absolute worst one is no excuse at all . . . just completely ignore me, roll over like I don't exist and go to sleep. Yes, I want sex with my wife, but I really crave the intimacy and bonding that it provides. She sees it as just me being a man and wanting the primitive fulfillment. I've read through some of the threads and it actually helps tremendously. I have thought for the longest time that I was unique; that nobody else on earth was routinely denied requests for sex from their spouse, with the resulting feelings of confusion, anxiety, depression, and ultimately rejection/bitterness. She gets to unilaterally decide not to have sex; I get no vote. I'm firmly in the "I'm staying in" camp because I love my wife and the family we've grown together (adult children; one who lives with us because of special needs). But, how to make sense of the absolutely gut-wrenching empty feeling of not being loved? Of her not caring that it hurts me deeply (yes, I've tried dozens of times to talk to her over the years). I'm ready to quit asking and enter the "roommate" stage. Argghhhhh!!!! Mostly, I want to say thanks for providing this forum and for providing some measure of comfort in knowing that my situation is not unique, and this misery does love company. I don't know what the future will hold, but I'm resigned to my fate of a SM and to making goals and improvements to myself and plans for retirement that don't include her. Peace. I encourage you to relegate your Mrs to roommate status ASAP. The sooner you make this transition in your mind, the sooner your own mental improvement about your situation will begin. Once you totally give up on any physical relationship with her it will help. Though I totally gave up on my wife several years ago I will admit relapsing with feeble attempts once or twice a year. Each time she shoots me down and reinforces for me that she is only a roommate. Only today I relapsed. While in the car on a road trip I reached over the arm rest and attempted to hold her hand. She showed to openness to that in any way. Without speaking a word she showed that even something as innocent as holding her hand was not welcome, thus, silently reminding me that she is only a roommate. If your wife is a stone cold bitch the faster you accept her as only a roommate the better you will be for it. If I can ever figure out a way to divorce her ass without living in poverty for the remainder of my days I will be gone in a heartbeat.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 20, 2022 23:18:30 GMT -5
Hello blunder8. Thanks for introducing yourself! Welcome to the forum. Sorry you had to make your way here. But you will find yourself in good company. Have a look around and ask questions. You will find lots of wisdom in these forums. Some helpful pointers below. New members should read through the threads in the "Welcome" board, particularly the "Guidelines" and "Quick Start" threads.
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