|
Post by holdstrong24 on Nov 7, 2022 18:04:33 GMT -5
Married for 16 years. We used to have a very active and naughty sex life. I’m dying inside and everyday I feel like I’m gonna explode. I love my beautiful wife and do not want to dishonor her. I don’t like masturbating to porn because it’s dissatisfying. It’s like torture. And the rejection is damaging. I miss the way she wanted me and the things she would do because she knew I loved it. Who is there to talk about these things? I always feel like I wish I had a female friend to talk to just for her perspective, but that could lead to something in appropriate…. And I Don’t really want to talk to a guy. I’m not even sure how I found this place. I believe from the comments section of an article about SMs…. Maybe I’ll find someone to talk to. And I’ll keep holding on
|
|
|
Post by angeleyes65 on Nov 7, 2022 18:20:46 GMT -5
holdstrong24, welcome to the club no one wants to belong to. You didn't say is she just not interested anymore? Has she been to the doctor have, you tried counseling? My marriage took a dive about 15 yrs in we also had a very active naughty sex drive until then. Feel free to start a thread and tell more of your story under whatever heading your feel fits so you get more responses.
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Nov 7, 2022 23:18:37 GMT -5
Welcome. holdstrong24Sorry you had to find this place. Have a look around and read some of the stories. Im sure they will sound familiar. If its empathy and advice that you seek, start a thread. You will get lots of experience coming your way. Married for 16 years. We used to have a very active and naughty sex life. I’m dying inside and everyday I feel like I’m gonna explode. I love my beautiful wife and do not want to dishonor her. I don’t like masturbating to porn because it’s dissatisfying. It’s like torture. And the rejection is damaging. I miss the way she wanted me and the things she would do because she knew I loved it. Who is there to talk about these things? I always feel like I wish I had a female friend to talk to just for her perspective, but that could lead to something in appropriate…. And I Don’t really want to talk to a guy. I’m not even sure how I found this place. I believe from the comments section of an article about SMs…. Maybe I’ll find someone to talk to. And I’ll keep holding on
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Nov 8, 2022 5:51:56 GMT -5
Welcome. holdstrong24 Sorry you had to find this place. Have a look around and read some of the stories. I'm sure they will sound familiar. If its empathy and advice that you seek, start a thread. You will get lots of experience coming your way. I'd add to TGC-Daddeo's welcome that your distaste for masturbation and description of "dishonoring" your wife makes me think you have a fairly orthodox Judeo-Christian-Muslim sentiment shaping your experience of sexless marriage. We have some members who have that issue and we may be able to point you in that direction. I'd start with ILIASM member csl 's posts. He wrote several essays presented on the ILIASM podcast "* REFUSED*" If you're blessed with both a sexless marriage and a crisis of faith, we have a few members who've been there. If you post in a main forum where an entire thread can be dedicated to your situation, your choice might be "Choosing to Stay". Posts made there will minimize the option of divorce as a solution to sexlessness. (Click "Forum" at the top of the page, Click "Choosing to Stay" (or "SM Issues" if you need to discuss divorce as a possibility), click "Create Thread", spill guts to degree desired)
|
|
|
Post by blunder8 on Nov 10, 2022 15:29:11 GMT -5
Married for 16 years. We used to have a very active and naughty sex life. I’m dying inside and everyday I feel like I’m gonna explode. I love my beautiful wife and do not want to dishonor her. I don’t like masturbating to porn because it’s dissatisfying. It’s like torture. And the rejection is damaging. I miss the way she wanted me and the things she would do because she knew I loved it. Who is there to talk about these things? I always feel like I wish I had a female friend to talk to just for her perspective, but that could lead to something in appropriate…. And I Don’t really want to talk to a guy. I’m not even sure how I found this place. I believe from the comments section of an article about SMs…. Maybe I’ll find someone to talk to. And I’ll keep holding on Hang in there brother. I'm also new to ILIASM forum. I've somehow put up with this torture for over 30 years and have done my share of kicking myself for *allowing* this to be my fate. Why didn't I grow a pair years ago? You'll find lots of resources and advice on here. These folks know this unique hell and understand what you're feeling. You'll get some tough love on here as well, and that's OK. It's all meant in a spirit of helping you, no matter what direction you choose. There is tremendous therapy in talking about it and asking for help. Just knowing you're not alone in this struggle is a comfort. My advice is to work on yourself. Think about your goals, interests and begin to carve out a life that's uniquely your own. DO NOT seek her approval. Seek approval from others you trust. When you're inclined to stay home and sulk, go out and be social. You'll be amazed at what a simple trip to the grocery store and making a game out of smiling at every semi-attractive and above woman, and seeing how many smile back at you, can make you feel. Feel good about yourself and others will notice.
|
|
|
Post by holdstrong24 on Nov 10, 2022 17:10:43 GMT -5
holdstrong24, welcome to the club no one wants to belong to. You didn't say is she just not interested anymore? Has she been to the doctor have, you tried counseling? My marriage took a dive about 15 yrs in we also had a very active naughty sex drive until then. Feel free to start a thread and tell more of your story under whatever heading your feel fits so you get more responses. thank you. I am learning to navigate this forum and plan to share more. I need feedback for sure. And from both male and female.
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Nov 10, 2022 21:17:29 GMT -5
holdstrong, have you sat down with your W and had a definitive conversation about how her actions and her seeming aversion to intimacy is affecting you and the marriage? If not, then that is where I would advise you to start. I am not saying to be condemning, but rather seek to have her explain (if she can) why has gone off sex with you. What has happened or not happened on your part that has turned her away from the woman she once was. You need to be as honest and open as possible with her about how she makes you feel when she rejects you. You don't state how long you 2 have been in a SM. And that is something to bear in mind. She is also in a SM. Before I would give any additional advice, I would ask you to fill us in on how the SM situation has gone on. And if you have any idea as to why her attitude toward you might have changed. The more you share with us the more specific will be the replies.
|
|
|
Post by imnotsughnite on Nov 19, 2022 12:53:30 GMT -5
Hi all, Well here I am. I am sure I am not the 1st nor the last to state the obvious, but I never thought I would end up here. Married 10 years...2 beautiful and amazing kids and a wife who has more excuses not to have sex than I have reasons...at least lately. Of course, it started out much differently. She was the aggressor throughout the dating phase and well into the marriage until baby #2 arrived. After that it has been months of nothing followed by a night of mutual pleasure, always at my pushing, followed by another drought! I hope I can learn some wisdom here...or at least coping skills! Speak to y'all soon! BJ Hello Brother bj . First, the good news. Your situation IS resolvable. Now the bad news. It is only going to be resolvable if you are prepared to put the marriage on the line. To end it, if necessary. If you are prepared to put it on the line, the resolution to the problem will happen in one of two ways. #1 - in a scenario where your spouse is made aware that the marriage is under credible threat, she might possibly elect to try and do something about her aversion to sex with you. And, she would either succeed in this mission, or fail. If she succeeds, then that resolves the situation. #2 - if she fails (as in the above situation) then you leave the situation, and that brings the situation to resolution. I am figuring that at this point, you are NOT in a mindset of being prepared to put the marriage on the line (and that is a perfectly legitimate position to take) I figure that you are looking for a strategy that does not involve putting the marriage on the line. If that's so then I got nuthin' for you. I haven't seen a situation in this group where it was brought to resolution without the unhappy spouse being prepared to put the marriage on the line. And a heads up, the method of resolution is rarely - that's RARELY - the refusing spouse coming to the party. The refusing party is invariably incapable of making the big changes necessary - or - unwilling to make the necessary big changes. Key question for today is - are you prepared to put the marriage on the line ? (there is no "correct" answer to this. Just yours.
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Nov 21, 2022 5:16:13 GMT -5
Greetings, imnotsughnite. Did you mean to add something to this post, like "This is my situation?" Or maybe you just identified and that was enough. (it can be) If you roam around ILIASM, it won't be long before you add to Baza's solid advice. He basically goes over Staying and leaving. It was 2018, so it may not have been conventional at the time to raise the possibility of opening the marriage, Option #3. Baza talks about the refusing spouse that gets a chance to make changes and doesn't (through inability or unwillingness). Some LIASM members took a second lover. Usually, the second lover was kept secret. A few members told their partner they'd be going elsewhere since the spouse was not up for the "have and hold" part of the vows. These options are collectively referred to as "Outsourcing". That same member you quoted, Baza, warns people contemplating outsourcing that it will dramatically change the relationship, possibly ending it. Given it's potential for abrupt change, having legal (and psychological?) preparation done beforehand would be highly prudent.
|
|
|
Post by sanfranciscojames on Nov 27, 2022 22:14:22 GMT -5
Thanks for this place.
Depending on your definition of “sex” it’s been either 18+ years or 30+ years of celibacy and rejection for me, and I’ve been legally for 19+ years.
I have not one but two sexless love relationships as back in May of 2021 I was in deep despair, cried most days (most often on my way home from work) and I called a divorce lawyer to find out what a divorce would cost me, to have an ear I called my brother and told him, within three days word had spread and one woman invited me on a date and another woman invited me to live with her.
Those two invitations felt like a great weight had been lifted off me, after first being told that I had an “80% chance of advanced lung cancer” and was likely to die within two years, and weeks later a biopsy showed that my lungs had a fungal infection instead with only a 20% chance of death within two years, and I realized that I was disappointed not to be closer too death, I had some hope that just maybe my would hold my hand again if I was on my death bed, instead I found out what “in sickness” would really be like and that my wife would be my torturer instead of my comforter.
By June, on my 53rd birthday I received my first kiss on the lips in 18 years, the woman who kissed me was not my wife, and she was in an unhappy marriage herself.
After surreptitiously moving books and clothes out, one backpack full at a time, for over a month, on July of 2021 I moved out of my wife’s house and in with another woman who was leaving her boyfriend of six years - in time I would fall in-love with my roommate, and then, because fate is cruel, she would learn that she had cancer and ask me to buy her “a memorial park bench”.
Meanwhile in August 2021 my wife begged me to come back “On weekends and pretend for the kids that your gone during week because of work”, because I remembered what my parents divorce was like for me I agreed.
March 2022, very much to my surprise, on a dark o’clock Monday morning my wife very briefly kissed me on the lips for the first time in almost 19 years - just before I left her to visit my roommate in the hospital, and I felt guilty, not for leaving my wife, but for betraying my roommate.
Two months later my roommate came back from the hospital, but she still had cancer, and my wife said she wants me back and “will try to be more loving”, and I was in a dithering twilight and I’m not sure who I’m betraying more, I feel guilty about thinking about living with my wife again on weekdays and abandoning my roommate because my roommate deserves better.
This last month me and my lady roommate moved into a place of our own away from our mutual roommate, as while she couldn’t walk without assistance (the tumor removal surgery pinched a nerve in her knee) and was watching a movie in our living room he drunkenly dropped his head in her lap, already having been a victim of attempted rape before this scared her greatly.
Just before our move my roommate got word that her remaining tumors aren’t growing and there’s no need for chemotherapy for at least the next six months.
My roommate has taught me how much happier a sexless relationship can be for me when there’s plentiful verbal affection and we go to restaurants and movies together, but celibacy is still far from ideal for me.
My previous therapist (a lady) championed my caretaking of my roommate, partially because before I moved in with her my despair was obvious (in my therapist words: “I was afraid you’d commit suicide”).
My current therapist is a young man, and so far I’m not impressed with him.
So yeah, two ongoing live together part of the week sexless relationships both with women I have at least residual love for and both who’ve told me they love me.
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Nov 30, 2022 20:34:31 GMT -5
Thanks for this place. Depending on your definition of “sex” it’s been either 18+ years or 30+ years of celibacy and rejection for me, and I’ve been legally for 19+ years. I have not one but two sexless love relationships as back in May of 2021 I was in deep despair, cried most days (most often on my way home from work) and I called a divorce lawyer to find out what a divorce would cost me, to have an ear I called my brother and told him, within three days word had spread and one woman invited me on a date and another woman invited me to live with her. Those two invitations felt like a great weight had been lifted off me, after first being told that I had an “80% chance of advanced lung cancer” and was likely to die within two years, and weeks later a biopsy showed that my lungs had a fungal infection instead with only a 20% chance of death within two years, and I realized that I was disappointed not to be closer too death, I had some hope that just maybe my would hold my hand again if I was on my death bed, instead I found out what “in sickness” would really be like and that my wife would be my torturer instead of my comforter. By June, on my 53rd birthday I received my first kiss on the lips in 18 years, the woman who kissed me was not my wife, and she was in an unhappy marriage herself. After surreptitiously moving books and clothes out, one backpack full at a time, for over a month, on July of 2021 I moved out of my wife’s house and in with another woman who was leaving her boyfriend of six years - in time I would fall in-love with my roommate, and then, because fate is cruel, she would learn that she had cancer and ask me to buy her “a memorial park bench”. Meanwhile in August 2021 my wife begged me to come back “On weekends and pretend for the kids that your gone during week because of work”, because I remembered what my parents divorce was like for me I agreed. March 2022, very much to my surprise, on a dark o’clock Monday morning my wife very briefly kissed me on the lips for the first time in almost 19 years - just before I left her to visit my roommate in the hospital, and I felt guilty, not for leaving my wife, but for betraying my roommate. Two months later my roommate came back from the hospital, but she still had cancer, and my wife said she wants me back and “will try to be more loving”, and I was in a dithering twilight and I’m not sure who I’m betraying more, I feel guilty about thinking about living with my wife again on weekdays and abandoning my roommate because my roommate deserves better. This last month me and my lady roommate moved into a place of our own away from our mutual roommate, as while she couldn’t walk without assistance (the tumor removal surgery pinched a nerve in her knee) and was watching a movie in our living room he drunkenly dropped his head in her lap, already having been a victim of attempted rape before this scared her greatly. Just before our move my roommate got word that her remaining tumors aren’t growing and there’s no need for chemotherapy for at least the next six months. My roommate has taught me how much happier a sexless relationship can be for me when there’s plentiful verbal affection and we go to restaurants and movies together, but celibacy is still far from ideal for me. My previous therapist (a lady) championed my caretaking of my roommate, partially because before I moved in with her my despair was obvious (in my therapist words: “I was afraid you’d commit suicide”). My current therapist is a young man, and so far I’m not impressed with him. So yeah, two ongoing live together part of the week sexless relationships both with women I have at least residual love for and both who’ve told me they love me. Greetings, SFjames. Glad to hear this place is useful. Your situation sounds confusing, but having some highlights. Both women want your company, which is gratifying. We hear a fair amount about wives who intend to "do better". Sure, why not? Nothing to lose. That you're seeing someone else means her failing to come through will have very low stakes. You're getting physical validation elsewhere. If your wife wants to offer some more, that'd be nice. Could you not see your old therapist through videoconferencing? Here's hoping your roommate/lady-love beats the odds with her condition. The cancer (chemo?) has clobbered her sex drive, I guess? Perhaps a third lady love is needed? Unless your wife pulls a full reversal. Surely your roommate understands the importance of your physical self. Both ladies seem to indulge your outsourcing well. Lots of time dedicated to caretaking though. Quite the challenge to carve out time for an intimate companion too, I guess. Polyamorists are wont to say "Love is infinite, time is not."
|
|
diode
Junior Member
Posts: 54
|
Post by diode on Dec 22, 2022 20:12:36 GMT -5
Hi, I’m a prior but self-deleted member (that’s also a metaphor). I had a very difficult time making myself understood during my prior iteration on iliasm but thought I’d start afresh.
I date back to the final days of EP and was among the initial members here.
I’m almost two decades fuckless.
|
|
|
Post by mirrororchid on Dec 23, 2022 5:23:37 GMT -5
Hi, I’m a prior but self-deleted member (that’s also a metaphor). I had a very difficult time making myself understood during my prior iteration on iliasm but thought I’d start afresh. I date back to the final days of EP and was among the initial members here. I’m almost two decades fuckless. Welcome back! Can you locate and point us to some old posts that give us your background? Or give us a mini-bio? Or maybe what you plan to do is more important than what's happened. It's been two decades... Are you looking to shake things up? Or open to suggestions on bearing up while you run/walk/slog/crawl to a finish line of some kind?
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Dec 23, 2022 7:34:11 GMT -5
welcome back diode,....hopefully your experience this time at ILIASM will be more rewarding and that the current membership will be helpful when you get round to sharing your story.
|
|
diode
Junior Member
Posts: 54
|
Post by diode on Dec 23, 2022 11:34:25 GMT -5
Thank you for the welcome mirrororchid and worksforme2 . I remember you wfm2, but mirrororchid you seem to have joined about the time I drifted away. I doubt that I’ll bother dredging up old stories, as the present and the future are more concerning to me now. Even so, it’s the past that propels us forwards.
|
|