Introduce Yourself

Thanks worksforme2 for the welcome and reflection on how things change over time.

I took find that people and relationships change in unexpected ways. So far, emotional intimacy and respect seem okay if not great...somewhat better than the low point, which I credit to the therapy and a lot of effort. I'm going to bounce over to the "choosing to stay" board for further posting.

Thanks mirrororchid, that's an interesting resource. It is aligned with some other things I've read and noticed. Dr. Psychmom makes a lot of sense and her videos kinda crack me up for some reason...maybe the accent lol.

Mostly it seems like Mrs. Holdfast prefers to spend her time, energy, & attention doing other things besides making love. Done with sex, negative body image, childhood abuse, menopause, grief...so many interleaving factors!

Hi everyone, my name is Matt. I’m 42 years old and have been married for 16 years to my lovely wife. We have two children, 9 and 7. My wife was diagnosed with a possible life-threatening organ disease about 5 years ago. To say things have been rough is an understatement. Partially because of her condition and partially because of the surgeries, our sex life slowed way down. We had sex about twice a week in our late 20s and early 30s to once every 5-6 weeks the last several years.

About 9 months ago it came to light through her individual therapy that her teenage sexual trauma had driven her to be very promiscuous and view sex as something women are supposed to do for men. She has come to realize she’s always had an impossible time ever saying no or sticking up for herself with sex. I had only had sex with two other people before her and I, she had sex with 15 people. That “never being able to say no” has driven a lot of our marriage. I viewed her as being sexually free and always up for anything, but as it turns out, she just had no idea how to have a healthy sexual relationship with give-and-take.

So now we find ourselves in a therapist-instructed/recommended sexual hiatus. We have only kissed a handful of times since April 2022, no sex of any kind, no being naked together, nothing. Her therapist says we must build a foundation of trust and safety with healthy sexual boundaries before we should move on to sex or physical intimacy. So here we are, 9 months later and nothing. Even the occasional kiss is awkward. My wife wants to eventual get to sex, but is following the guidelines of her therapist in a very regimented matter. It’s created a lot of friction in our marriage, and so it’s very hard for us to progress.

I also think at the core, my wife just doesn’t have the drive like I do. I just want to be close to my wife. I tried to explain to her how difficult it is because I’m still madly in love with her and find her very sexy. She replied, “can’t you just jack off so you feel better??” That hurt me deeply. I even asked her if I do masturbate to relieve myself, would she be open to doing it together or in her presence so we could be close. She just said she doesn’t think it would be good or helpful for us and rebuilding emotional trust and security in our marriage.

It’s very hard not to feel rejected. Even though she says it has nothing to do with attraction and everything to do with working through her trauma, it makes me feel very unloved. I’m a very giving lover, always making sure she’s satisfied first, but she doesn’t even want that anymore. Trying to cope and not turn away from her. I love her, want her by my side. It’s just so hard to feel connected.

It sounds like you have two major obstacles before you, mattj .

Both awful in their own rotten way.

1) Medical issue. No one's fault. Angry at the universe stuff. Maybe better with time?

But....

2) No, not better with time. Even as your wife's physical health may allow her to find sex a good idea, you have a therapist slamming on the brake pedal. Your wife wants to work her way around to greater frequency, but she has an outside party telling her to not perform this marital bonding activity.

The first one, you can unite in common cause against.
The second one, they unite against you.

Just a few posts ago, Jan 17, 2023 at 6:46am, I sent a link to a psychiatrist's blog.
www.drpsychmom.com/2022/01/28/sex-needs-to-be-worked-on-at-the-same-time-as-emotion-for-couples-counseling-to-work/

It says almost the opposite of what this marriage counselor is saying.

I'd be curious if this sexual hiatus has made your wife feel closer to you, or more distant.

Prioritizing pleasing a "therapist" more than your spouse is an interesting choice of priorities. Not always wrong, but not a decision to take lightly.
Does this living wedge have good reviews online? Recommendations? Or she accepted your insurance, and she was accepting new patients. (needs fresh marriages to kill)

A marital counselor encouraging less sex between husband and wife. What could possibly go wrong?

On other posts, ILIASM members point out that not "having and holding" your spouse is a break of marital vows. It is forsaking you.
Congregations are often told "What God has put together let no man put asunder". Is this therapy approach strengthening the bond, or tearing it asunder?
Maybe you married at a courthouse, so those words weren't spoken. It's still not supposed to be done.

It may be necessary for a specific duration and reason, but the therapist trying to fix childhood issues with boundaries by potentially crushing a key support structure of hers strikes me as reckless and plausibly unnecessary.
Telling you "no" some of the time should be evidence of her power over her own body and mind, to tell her to say "no" when she doesn't want to is coercion by your therapist, not strengthening boundaries. She's making a boundary that wasn't there. Being unable to say "No" was her concern, the therapist has manufactured a psychiatric "problem" out of saying "Yes", even when she means it.

Asking you to relieve your tension with solitaire, for an unknown duration, maybe forever, is not hostile. Just misguided.
Can she climax? How much of the quality of sex rides on seeing her achieve bliss. (If she doesn't/can't, that may be a ripe field for exploration once this lovely "hiatus" is over, if it ever is.) If her bliss is strongly valued, she needs to know that. Her pleasure is yours as well. Her pleasure is never a part of that minimal experience you have by yourself. It is in second place and you need binoculars to see it, it's so far behind. (Or is it? I'm just going by the vibe I get from fellas here at ILIASM)

Without anger, you may need to know if this project that she's executing to demonstrate respect and friendship towards the therapist (being a good patient, maybe to be "liked"?) can be a permanent thing? What are the signs she's looking for in this ill-defined "trust" level.  (Unless it is defined by observable metrics, in which case, please share! That'll be intriguing!)
If you become celibate, like roommates, or brother and sister, is this outcome desired but cannot be admitted out loud? Is it the goal and the therapist was the vehicle to get there, even unconsciously?

This can be a sympathetic thing; sexual abuse causing this desire not to have sex, but pressed into it by expectations of marriage that was, itself, expected of her.
Exclusive sex is what defines marriage beyond a close heterosexual friendship. Before that, you're dating.
It is possible it was a mistake for her to marry anyone. If that's the case, it's important to know and smart actions can be executed, be it opening the marriage or releasing her to a more appropriate destiny and celibate life plan. (networks of friends, family, and other linchpin people in her life [doctors, therapists, other trained professionals that fill needs you provide, but with inconvenient needs along with it]).

The therapist has reprehensibly included you in your wife's exercise of self-examination. Her boundary building, even to those things she thinks she wants (does she really?) impose hardship (accidental punishment) on you through no fault of your own. (Unless there is some fault. I can't know).
The collateral damage is severe and potentially not worth the price. Has the cost even been recognized?

Is this therapist someone you see together? If not, maybe you need to attend too and the therapist can hash out whether she's doing more harm than good, or if she's indifferent to your experience.

There's so much to unpack here. Medical AND sexual trauma. You are coming into the marriage hospital shot through with shrapnel and a seeping gut wound.
It's great you're here and we're sorry you are.
Welcome. Sending you a big 'ol digital "bro hug" here.

Welcome to the zoo Sister @want-to-wanted .

Hope you get something out of the group.

You are not alone, alot of like souls. Many are women. Welcome hope to hear the rest of your story.

My married sex life used to be okay ... we would have sex a couple times a week and then it was a couple times a month, then only when he was drinking, then he started having problems staying hard and would use that as an excuse but drinking too much was always the issue. Then, as he got older and on meds for blood pressure, it was a problem even getting an election. Talked to a friend and he said he had the same issue so his doctor changed his BP meds and all was good. I can't even get my husband to talk to his doctor about it. A couple years go by and he's got a back injury from years of operating heavy equipment ... sex is non existent. A couple of years ago (October, 2020) I stepped out and had a night of passion with a friend that was very receptive to keeping a secret and it was wonderful ... he and I agreed that it would be just that once and, although awkward at times, we are still close friends. I felt guilt but also felt a little like I deserved it. I even tried to forget all of the rejections over the years and start fresh with my H by turning on my sexual flirtation and hints but, on my birthday that year, I got nothing and even a "you really need that?" response from him. The next night, I got pity sex and that was the end of my trying.