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Post by want-to-be-wanted on Feb 4, 2023 20:10:17 GMT -5
Thank you heelots ... I agree that we have become simply roommates. I have given up even trying. Now, when I'm feeling that I need any conversation to feel good about myself and to be treated like I matter, I turn to my person, the friend I refer to as my emotional affair, my secret fantasy man ... for 2 years he has become my virtual lover. He is someone I knew in my teens and twenties, kind of the one that got away, if you will. He has saved me from years if crying myself to sleep, wondering what is wrong with me. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 7, 2023 16:43:21 GMT -5
Thank you heelots ... I agree that we have become simply roommates. I have given up even trying. Now, when I'm feeling that I need any conversation to feel good about myself and to be treated like I matter, I turn to my person, the friend I refer to as my emotional affair, my secret fantasy man ... for 2 years he has become my virtual lover. He is someone I knew in my teens and twenties, kind of the one that got away, if you will. He has saved me from years if crying myself to sleep, wondering what is wrong with me. As Angeleyes said, you are not alone, not by a longshot. It sounds like you're planning to tough things out. If you'd like sounding boards for ideas, "Choosing to Stay" may be a good choice. Talk of divorce is supposed to be minimal if mentioned at all. "SM Issues" will be a suitable place if divorce is not off the table. "Choosing to Stay" may include discussion of "outsourcing" be it in secret (an affair) or disclosed (open marriage). You can always specify whether such discussion is or is not in consideration. If you read other threads here, you'll inevitably see advice to consult a lawyer about what the likely results of divorce will be, whether you're thinking about divorce, or planning to outsource which could mean your spouse files first. Wishing you strength. We'll offer feedback if you want it. |
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Post by want-to-be-wanted on Feb 7, 2023 22:48:41 GMT -5
Thank you @mirrorchild ... I'm really not sure what the future will bring but, I will stay in this board for now
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Post by blunder8 on Feb 8, 2023 15:08:39 GMT -5
My married sex life used to be okay ... we would have sex a couple times a week and then it was a couple times a month, then only when he was drinking, then he started having problems staying hard and would use that as an excuse but drinking too much was always the issue. Then, as he got older and on meds for blood pressure, it was a problem even getting an election. Talked to a friend and he said he had the same issue so his doctor changed his BP meds and all was good. I can't even get my husband to talk to his doctor about it. A couple years go by and he's got a back injury from years of operating heavy equipment ... sex is non existent. A couple of years ago (October, 2020) I stepped out and had a night of passion with a friend that was very receptive to keeping a secret and it was wonderful ... he and I agreed that it would be just that once and, although awkward at times, we are still close friends. I felt guilt but also felt a little like I deserved it. I even tried to forget all of the rejections over the years and start fresh with my H by turning on my sexual flirtation and hints but, on my birthday that year, I got nothing and even a "you really need that?" response from him. The next night, I got pity sex and that was the end of my trying. Welcome. It's good to know you're not alone. I hope you can find some helpful resources here. Looking forward to hearing more of your story. |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Feb 8, 2023 20:49:39 GMT -5
This mirrorchild guy sure is popular. I still can't figure out who he is. mirrororchid any clues? Thank you @mirrorchild ... I'm really not sure what the future will bring but, I will stay in this board for now |
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Post by want-to-be-wanted on Feb 8, 2023 22:33:36 GMT -5
This mirrorchild guy sure is popular. I still can't figure out who he is. mirrororchid any clues? Thank you @mirrorchild ... I'm really not sure what the future will bring but, I will stay in this board for now Haha ... oops, my bad! Must not have had my contacts in! Sorry mirrororchid |
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Feb 9, 2023 8:43:10 GMT -5
All good. ;-) Welcome to this little corner of the internet. Lots to consume and you are in good company. Feel free to ask away as needed. This mirrorchild guy sure is popular. I still can't figure out who he is. mirrororchid any clues? Haha ... oops, my bad! Must not have had my contacts in! Sorry mirrororchid |
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Post by ariso58 on Feb 27, 2023 4:52:34 GMT -5
Hello everyone, new member here.
I’m a 35 year old woman, married for 10 years, out of which 6 have been sexless. Other forms of physical intimacy (kisses, hugs etc.) are also completely absent. We are basically just roommates.
Sex was declining after our first child was born, but I attributed it to the stress of parenthood. Then it simply vanished when I got pregnant with our second child. I’ve tried to ‘fix’ it, thinking it must be my fault, maybe I’m not attractive enough, but after a year or two, I gave up. I was accused of being crazy, a sex addict, was laughed at, and whenever I brought up the subject it just ended in a huge argument. It was the worst emotional rollercoaster of my life. I was angry, resentful (still is), pitying myself. In the meantime, my husband became a recluse, refusing to go out with us, cutting off all his friends and spending the weekends at home alone. Covid didn’t help the situation. We do nothing together and only talk when it’s necessary.
I’m not looking for ways to repair this marriage anymore. The damage is already done and, as I see it, it’s irreversible. On the rare occassions (like once a year) he approaches me, it’s just awkward and uncomfortable. I can’t be driven further away from him.
I know my options and limitations, and I don’t think about divorce yet. I’ve decided to stay for the kids, and their financial stability until they grow up. So, I think I’ll be around the ‘Choosing to stay’ board, looking for ways to cope.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Feb 27, 2023 8:52:55 GMT -5
ariso58 Welcome. I hope you find solace here. Does he get any mental health help? Sounds like he needs it. I know you aren't trying to fix it but if he gets help might improve your living conditions. As far as coping. I just put myself in the mind set that we were roommates. And I did what I wanted to do. Went out with friends. Worked on myself physically and mentally. The one thing I regret was not going to counseling for myself. I eventually left and got counseling but that made me see it would have been beneficial while still there. You can even do it virtually now so would strongly suggest. Don't quit living just because he has.
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Post by mrgoodbar60 on Mar 25, 2023 16:19:10 GMT -5
Hi,I’m Jeff. Sexless marriage for 5 years. Almost embarrassed about it. Here I am.
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Post by want-to-be-wanted on Mar 25, 2023 16:32:53 GMT -5
Hi,I’m Jeff. Sexless marriage for 5 years. Almost embarrassed about it. Here I am. Don't be embarrassed ... we're all here for the same reason. Welcome to the club nobody wants to be a member of. |
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Post by h on Mar 27, 2023 6:58:48 GMT -5
Hi,I’m Jeff. Sexless marriage for 5 years. Almost embarrassed about it. Here I am. Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in. You're not alone. |
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Post by blunder8 on Mar 27, 2023 10:24:10 GMT -5
Hi,I’m Jeff. Sexless marriage for 5 years. Almost embarrassed about it. Here I am. Welcome. We all understand and have been through the pain and roller coaster emotions. |
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Post by ariso58 on Mar 27, 2023 21:06:04 GMT -5
angeleyes65Sorry for the late reply. I felt embarrassed and ashamed after writing here, I don’t know why… I agree about his mental health. He has OCD and recieves medical treatment for that. When he was advised to go into theraphy, he went to one appointment and quit, claiming he doesn’t need it because everything is fine. Thank you for the advice! I do want to care more about myself, so I started picking up hobbies and going out with friends sometimes. I’ve tried online counseling for about two years but I was basically advised to just be patient.
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 28, 2023 5:01:16 GMT -5
angeleyes65 Sorry for the late reply. I felt embarrassed and ashamed after writing here, I don’t know why… I agree about his mental health. He has OCD and receives medical treatment for that. When he was advised to go into therapy, he went to one appointment and quit, claiming he doesn’t need it because everything is fine. Thank you for the advice! I do want to care more about myself, so I started picking up hobbies and going out with friends sometimes. I’ve tried online counseling for about two years but I was basically advised to just be patient. Hobbies and a social circle are key pieces of building a life not connected to a refusing spouse. Something commonly recommended for those planning an exit. I get the impression you find the "be patient" advice...lacking? Four years sexless... Patient for how long? If you did set a deadline, what's the minimum change you'd be demanding? (You need not specify to the refuser. You'd rather he surpass that pathetic low bar.) |
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