|
Post by Dan on Mar 1, 2018 10:48:36 GMT -5
Thanks for the advice! I’ve actually gotten a recommendation for a good attorney - from a friend who is also an attorney. I met with her and brought her tax records, account statements etc. I’ll actually be in decent shape in the event of a divorce. In theory, he has to pay me for his share of his practice and up to 50% of his earnings for 12 years. Not to mention child support. After the 12 years is over than he pays zero alimony. Not entirely fair, considering I gave up a 6 figure job to move to a foreign country with him ‘for Love.’ The only thing missing is the love! So another wrinkle your case is custody of the children if you leave the foreign country, for example, if you care to relocate back to your home country. Make sure you get a lawyer who understands the legal issues involved. You may wish to consult with a lawyer in your home country, too, specifically on this aspect of custody/visitation/etc. Related: you may wish to get your children their passports BEFORE you tip your hand you are heading for divorce (and hold on to them yourself). Regarding your first post: sexlessness is bad enough, but cutting you out of all the other marital household discussions is VERY BAD. Likewise, try to get a complete, accurate accounting of your joint assets ASAP, preferably before you mention divorce.
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Mar 1, 2018 10:49:16 GMT -5
Hi. I’m Erica. Friday will be my 11th wedding anniversary with my husband. I’m not exactly sure how long it would be considered ‘sexless’. I’d guess at least 5 years. This year we’re O for O. Last year we had sex once. I think it was in February. I initiated, was turned down and then the following day he initiated. It’s an odd dynamic. He never initiates first. And if I try to get him in the mood - anything I do is a big turn off for him. But the lack of sex isn’t my biggest frustration in our relationship. I think the lack of intimacy in all aspects is what I struggle with the most. He keeps me at arm’s length in every aspect of our life together. Planning, goals, finances. He’ll make big decisions (new car, or spending 15k on the backyard) without any discussion or agreement. There are no hugs, no kisses, almost no eye contact. Conversations are about logistics- who is responsible for picking the kids up from hockey on Saturday? I feel like he really doesn’t like me but needs a pretty wife, two kids and a dog to complete the picture perfect life he wants to present to the outside world. I’ve swung from being depressed, to trying harder and harder to be perfect to being angry that he shifts all blame for all problems onto me. Now I’m just frustrated and tired and want a chance to be happy or at least alone without the loneliness of being married to someone who pretends I don’t exist. Sigh. I got angry with him two days ago after trying to be affectionate with him on our ski vacation. He brushed me off. Told me he felt like I was raping him. In anger I replied, “No need to worry. I will never intentionally touch you again.” I’m serious about that. I’m done. 8 years of trying to build a relationship on my own. Of reaching out only to get shot down. Of him doing everything he could to convince me that I’m the problem. Fuck that! I’m a kind, smart, attractive woman. I’m funny. I don’t smell bad. He’s got to own his own shit and work on fixing it or it’s over. I don’t care if I lose a cushy life and a big house. I don’t care if post divorce I’m dirt poor. At least I’ll be free to give and receive hugs. To touch and be touched. To feel worthy of love instead of living with a cold and seemingly heartless husband. Ahhh... that felt good! To let it all out! Have you all come across the term Intimacy Anorexic? I don’t know if it’s BS, but it pretty much describes our relationship to a T. Hi elynne . Im sorry you had to seek out this group and post your story. I do hope tgis forun helps give you some support and help with decisions. You have a pretty savvy group here going through all the stages of sexlessness. So you are in good company. From reading your back story I'd say your H doesnt want you he just wants you around. As you've heard, the why's dont matter. Most of the time, it has nothing to do with you. Long story short, the sooner you can get past the why chasing the sooner you will have clarity for the big decisions,: leave, stay and accept, stay and cheat. All the best.
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Mar 1, 2018 10:59:17 GMT -5
Hello to everyone! I just found this forum today, by way of the comments on an article I was reading about sexless marriages. I've been with my husband for about 15 years. When we first started dating, we had regular sex, but it wasn't great. It was always initiated by him, but there was no foreplay and no kissing. I don't know why I didn't run right then! Yes I do...he was the most normal guy I'd met, and we got along great otherwise. A few months in, the sex became less frequent, but I wasn't concerned. Eventually, it just stopped. A few years in, we even broke up for a few weeks (mind you, we were living together, so it was a move to separate bedrooms and generally avoiding each other) over the lack of sex. Unfortunately, I found great sex during the break, but I missed the normal hang out time with my future-hubby. I went back to him, he pleaded and promised that he would do better, and we got married. The night of our wedding, I somehow thought it really would be all better. We went back to our apartment after the festivities were over, and I was ready to make it official. My husband, instead, changed clothes and went to hang out and drink with his friends. I ended up crying myself to sleep and wondering if I'd just made a big mistake. We get along well, though, and used to have a good time together, so that seemed to overshadow the SM. A few years into the marriage, my maternal clock was ticking, and I wanted to have a baby. My hubby agreed, but in order to make it happen, we had to schedule the dates and times for sex. Otherwise, it would never happen. So for the few months that it took to get pregnant, I was relatively happy. We had regular sex for about a week each month. When I did get pregnant, I kept the news to myself for an extra month, so that I could get another month of sex out of him. Then, it all stopped. He wouldn't touch me when I was pregnant. Now, my son just turned 6, and he is awesome!!! But in those six years, I think my husband and I have had sex twice. The last time that we did was over 2 years ago, and it was so bad that my husband stopped in the middle of it "because he was tired." So I guess I am just on here to vent. Yesterday, I had a moment, and thought I would ask my husband to have sex, because surely now... He kind of laughed and said maybe another day. So never. But as a stay-at-home mom, my life is so entwined with his, that I can't even fathom leaving. So, as we rapidly approach our 10 year wedding anniversary this summer, I am looking for plan B. I make a point to stay in shape, and I try to take care of myself. I used to know I was attractive in my 20's, but now in my 30's, not going out anywhere, no one hitting on me ever, I feel extremely unwanted and undesired. However, I feel very alive and crave physical intimacy. I'm not sure where to go with those feelings, but I'm taking baby steps. I just made an appointment with my doctor to get birth control pills, so that if an opportunity presents itself, I can actually consider it. Hello hiddenmind . Welcome to the club. Sorry you had to seek us out. But now that you are here, I hope you stay awhile and add to the collective wisdom of the group while you hopefully find some comfort and support. We are an ecclectic bunch so you will get all sort of opinions and perspectives that may help you or not. Most important though I think, many of us experience the emotions you find yourself going through so you are in good company. Have a look around and make some some friends. Its like a virtual bar in some ways, you have your regulars, you have the wise old sages thats have seen it all, the jokers, the lewd and laviscious, the poets, the hippies, some that come and go quickly, and the comets like me that swing by every once in a while. All the best!
|
|
hiddenmind
Junior Member
Posts: 25
Age Range: 36-40
|
Post by hiddenmind on Mar 1, 2018 18:45:20 GMT -5
hiddenmind depending on where you live, 10 years is one of those milestones that make a huge difference in divorce agreements. Take baza's advice and see a lawyer to determine how it would go and ask about the difference between various lengths of time in a marriage. Thanks for looking out. As for now, I'm not planning on leaving. My son and his well-being are more important to me than my needs. Anyway, maybe this is weird, but I would want almost nothing in a divorce. And I would want my son to stay with his father since he has a stable career and I would be starting from scratch.
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Mar 1, 2018 21:51:58 GMT -5
Anyway, maybe this is weird, but I would want almost nothing in a divorce. And I would want my son to stay with his father since he has a stable career and I would be starting from scratch. An admirable sentiment, but consider that it takes time to restart and what you keep from the marriage will influence the quality of life you can share with your son when he's with you. In any event, it sounds like you're not in any rush, but it's something to consider. Some folks are so desperate to leave that they'll sacrifice far more than is reasonable. When you're ready, seek professional advice.
|
|
|
Post by elynne on Mar 2, 2018 4:59:25 GMT -5
Thanks for the advice! I’ve actually gotten a recommendation for a good attorney - from a friend who is also an attorney. I met with her and brought her tax records, account statements etc. I’ll actually be in decent shape in the event of a divorce. In theory, he has to pay me for his share of his practice and up to 50% of his earnings for 12 years. Not to mention child support. After the 12 years is over than he pays zero alimony. Not entirely fair, considering I gave up a 6 figure job to move to a foreign country with him ‘for Love.’ The only thing missing is the love! So another wrinkle your case is custody of the children if you leave the foreign country, for example, if you care to relocate back to your home country. Make sure you get a lawyer who understands the legal issues involved. You may wish to consult with a lawyer in your home country, too, specifically on this aspect of custody/visitation/etc. Related: you may wish to get your children their passports BEFORE you tip your hand you are heading for divorce (and hold on to them yourself). Regarding your first post: sexlessness is bad enough, but cutting you out of all the other marital household discussions is VERY BAD. Likewise, try to get a complete, accurate accounting of your joint assets ASAP, preferably before you mention divorce. Very good advice! I started the process to get my Dutch citizenship last August. It can take up to a year, but in my case I’ve been advised that it’s likely to be shorter. 8 months or so. I’m hoping by the end of April or March that I’ll have my citizenship. He was angry and suspicious about my applying for citizenship (it was expensive- almost €1000 euros) and I had saved enough in cash secretly in case he wouldn’t transfer enough into the joint account for me to pay the application fee. He found the cash in my wallet and ‘suggested’ we use it for vacation so he wouldn’t have to go to the bank to withdraw money. He also transferred €500 from my personal account to help pay for the train tickets to Tuscany. (He makes over 200k after taxes and I make around 10k a year). It really feels like he keeps my access to money restricted to control me. I used to be a financial planner, I was a stockbroker on Wall Street and a business consultant for financial software - it’s not like I don’t understand money or that I’m a spendthrift! I’m more astute when it comes to money than he is. Being kept out of the loop is frustrating and demeaning. When I attempt to discuss my problems with being kept in the dark about financial decisions and major purchases, his pat answer is that 11 years ago I complained about banking in Dutch since I found it difficult. I always answer, that was over 10 years ago and I speak fluent Dutch now. That argument no longer applies. I think in the past I used to be so afraid of rocking the boat, of making him angry, displeasing him, or of him leaving me that I did everything I could to acquiesce, to be agreeable, to try to make him happy. At this point, Holland feels more like home. I have dear friends, a support network, and I’m not afraid of being alone. I’ve become much more recognizable as the independent person I was before moving to the Netherlands two months pregnant 10 years ago!!!! I’ve been telling him I’m unhappy. I call him out when he puts me down, insults me or belittles me. When he tells me that I’m just being sensitive. ‘It was just a joke.’ I tell him calmly that the only reason he said it was to make me feel bad. It wasn’t funny, so it wasn’t a joke.’ I’m wondering how many other folks in this forum find that the lack of sex and affection is just one symptom of a general disregard for their spouse and a need to be in control. Perhaps I’ll ask that in a new topic.
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on Mar 2, 2018 5:39:15 GMT -5
So another wrinkle your case is custody of the children if you leave the foreign country, for example, if you care to relocate back to your home country. Make sure you get a lawyer who understands the legal issues involved. You may wish to consult with a lawyer in your home country, too, specifically on this aspect of custody/visitation/etc. Related: you may wish to get your children their passports BEFORE you tip your hand you are heading for divorce (and hold on to them yourself). Regarding your first post: sexlessness is bad enough, but cutting you out of all the other marital household discussions is VERY BAD. Likewise, try to get a complete, accurate accounting of your joint assets ASAP, preferably before you mention divorce. Very good advice! I started the process to get my Dutch citizenship last August. It can take up to a year, but in my case I’ve been advised that it’s likely to be shorter. 8 months or so. I’m hoping by the end of April or March that I’ll have my citizenship. He was angry and suspicious about my applying for citizenship (it was expensive- almost €1000 euros) and I had saved enough in cash secretly in case he wouldn’t transfer enough into the joint account for me to pay the application fee. He found the cash in my wallet and ‘suggested’ we use it for vacation so he wouldn’t have to go to the bank to withdraw money. He also transferred €500 from my personal account to help pay for the train tickets to Tuscany. (He makes over 200k after taxes and I make around 10k a year). It really feels like he keeps my access to money restricted to control me. I used to be a financial planner, I was a stockbroker on Wall Street and a business consultant for financial software - it’s not like I don’t understand money or that I’m a spendthrift! I’m more astute when it comes to money than he is. Being kept out of the loop is frustrating and demeaning. When I attempt to discuss my problems with being kept in the dark about financial decisions and major purchases, his pat answer is that 11 years ago I complained about banking in Dutch since I found it difficult. I always answer, that was over 10 years ago and I speak fluent Dutch now. That argument no longer applies. I think in the past I used to be so afraid of rocking the boat, of making him angry, displeasing him, or of him leaving me that I did everything I could to acquiesce, to be agreeable, to try to make him happy. At this point, Holland feels more like home. I have dear friends, a support network, and I’m not afraid of being alone. I’ve become much more recognizable as the independent person I was before moving to the Netherlands two months pregnant 10 years ago!!!! I’ve been telling him I’m unhappy. I call him out when he puts me down, insults me or belittles me. When he tells me that I’m just being sensitive. ‘It was just a joke.’ I tell him calmly that the only reason he said it was to make me feel bad. It wasn’t funny, so it wasn’t a joke.’ I’m wondering how many other folks in this forum find that the lack of sex and affection is just one symptom of a general disregard for their spouse and a need to be in control. Perhaps I’ll ask that in a new topic. mrslowmaintenanceHe sounds like your H.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Mar 2, 2018 5:48:51 GMT -5
Invariably, Sister elynne our common situations are indeed where there is deep dysfunction and incompatibility in play, and the sex issues are just the cherry on top. Incompatable people don't fuck each other. Tip of the iceberg.
|
|
|
Post by mrslowmaintenance on Mar 2, 2018 12:43:03 GMT -5
Hi. I’m Erica. Friday will be my 11th wedding anniversary with my husband. I’m not exactly sure how long it would be considered ‘sexless’. I’d guess at least 5 years. This year we’re O for O. Last year we had sex once. I think it was in February. I initiated, was turned down and then the following day he initiated. It’s an odd dynamic. He never initiates first. And if I try to get him in the mood - anything I do is a big turn off for him. But the lack of sex isn’t my biggest frustration in our relationship. I think the lack of intimacy in all aspects is what I struggle with the most. He keeps me at arm’s length in every aspect of our life together. Planning, goals, finances. He’ll make big decisions (new car, or spending 15k on the backyard) without any discussion or agreement. There are no hugs, no kisses, almost no eye contact. Conversations are about logistics- who is responsible for picking the kids up from hockey on Saturday? I feel like he really doesn’t like me but needs a pretty wife, two kids and a dog to complete the picture perfect life he wants to present to the outside world. I’ve swung from being depressed, to trying harder and harder to be perfect to being angry that he shifts all blame for all problems onto me. Now I’m just frustrated and tired and want a chance to be happy or at least alone without the loneliness of being married to someone who pretends I don’t exist. Sigh. I got angry with him two days ago after trying to be affectionate with him on our ski vacation. He brushed me off. Told me he felt like I was raping him. In anger I replied, “No need to worry. I will never intentionally touch you again.” I’m serious about that. I’m done. 8 years of trying to build a relationship on my own. Of reaching out only to get shot down. Of him doing everything he could to convince me that I’m the problem. Fuck that! I’m a kind, smart, attractive woman. I’m funny. I don’t smell bad. He’s got to own his own shit and work on fixing it or it’s over. I don’t care if I lose a cushy life and a big house. I don’t care if post divorce I’m dirt poor. At least I’ll be free to give and receive hugs. To touch and be touched. To feel worthy of love instead of living with a cold and seemingly heartless husband. Ahhh... that felt good! To let it all out! Have you all come across the term Intimacy Anorexic? I don’t know if it’s BS, but it pretty much describes our relationship to a T. As hopingforachange said... Your husband sounds a lot like mine. From wanting "a perfect wife" for people to look in and envy him to the money hoarding and diversions. I'm 27, we just hit our nine year wedding anniversary and I hate it now. I was so proud to be such a good wife, to be what everyone else wanted. However, I wasn't being true to myself. I am a giver by nature and want to please those around me but I need to be given back on occasion. The giving I want is touch. I want kissing, rubbing, hugging, snuggling, fucking all with the enthusiasm that makes me feel like a damn woman. Makes me feel like a good woman, a deserving woman. I wan those brushing the hair from my face moments and just enjoying the smell of each other's skin. I did the same thing as you, just a bit different. After.our last stint of counselling he admitted that there is nothing I can do to arouse him. No amount of touching, sending dirty messages/pictures, talking, kissing or pampering will get him aroused to have sex with me. I have to wait for him, wait for him to be aroused by some outside source that I simply cannot compare to for him to approach me upon our agreed terms. Now that I have seen that, heard that and felt that, I do not initiate other than to appease what I know he is getting at. I don't talk future, I don't talk money, because I don't care. I am just playing the game until it's my turn to step away and be free. He has noticed the shift.thkugh and is trying to be a "good husband" or what he deems as such, it's cute really, but far too late. I will be a single mom, broke, in college, with a shitty apartment and ikea furniture... But I will be free and free to be happy.
|
|
|
Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Mar 2, 2018 12:55:07 GMT -5
I will be a single mom, broke, in college, with a shitty apartment and ikea furniture... But I will be free and free to be happy. The truth will set you free... But first it will piss you off!
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Mar 3, 2018 0:33:40 GMT -5
Hi. I’m Erica. Friday will be my 11th wedding anniversary with my husband. I’m not exactly sure how long it would be considered ‘sexless’. I’d guess at least 5 years. This year we’re O for O. Last year we had sex once. I think it was in February. I initiated, was turned down and then the following day he initiated. It’s an odd dynamic. He never initiates first. And if I try to get him in the mood - anything I do is a big turn off for him. But the lack of sex isn’t my biggest frustration in our relationship. I think the lack of intimacy in all aspects is what I struggle with the most. He keeps me at arm’s length in every aspect of our life together. Planning, goals, finances. He’ll make big decisions (new car, or spending 15k on the backyard) without any discussion or agreement. There are no hugs, no kisses, almost no eye contact. Conversations are about logistics- who is responsible for picking the kids up from hockey on Saturday? I feel like he really doesn’t like me but needs a pretty wife, two kids and a dog to complete the picture perfect life he wants to present to the outside world. I’ve swung from being depressed, to trying harder and harder to be perfect to being angry that he shifts all blame for all problems onto me. Now I’m just frustrated and tired and want a chance to be happy or at least alone without the loneliness of being married to someone who pretends I don’t exist. Sigh. I got angry with him two days ago after trying to be affectionate with him on our ski vacation. He brushed me off. Told me he felt like I was raping him. In anger I replied, “No need to worry. I will never intentionally touch you again.” I’m serious about that. I’m done. 8 years of trying to build a relationship on my own. Of reaching out only to get shot down. Of him doing everything he could to convince me that I’m the problem. Fuck that! I’m a kind, smart, attractive woman. I’m funny. I don’t smell bad. He’s got to own his own shit and work on fixing it or it’s over. I don’t care if I lose a cushy life and a big house. I don’t care if post divorce I’m dirt poor. At least I’ll be free to give and receive hugs. To touch and be touched. To feel worthy of love instead of living with a cold and seemingly heartless husband. Ahhh... that felt good! To let it all out! Have you all come across the term Intimacy Anorexic? I don’t know if it’s BS, but it pretty much describes our relationship to a T. Welcome, Erica. I'm sorry for what you're going through but I think you'll find good support here. And I'm glad to see you share my opinion on a strongly held belief of mine: money is not everything. Especially if you know how to shop the consignment stores like I do. Tee-hee-hee😁 Seriously, there's no monetary substitute for intimacy.
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Mar 3, 2018 0:42:46 GMT -5
elynne okay, now I'm slightly jealous of you. Dutch citizenship. Paradise! Queen Maxima of the Netherlands is my favorite Queen. Also I have a "secret" longing to become a bulb importer/exporter. What fun! 🥀🌷🌷🌷🥀
|
|
|
Post by elynne on Mar 3, 2018 2:20:56 GMT -5
elynne okay, now I'm slightly jealous of you. Dutch citizenship. Paradise! Queen Maxima of the Netherlands is my favorite Queen. Also I have a "secret" longing to become a bulb importer/exporter. What fun! 🥀🌷🌷🌷🥀 Let me know if you need any help with your bulb import business! 😉
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Mar 3, 2018 4:16:19 GMT -5
elynne okay, now I'm slightly jealous of you. Dutch citizenship. Paradise! Queen Maxima of the Netherlands is my favorite Queen. Also I have a "secret" longing to become a bulb importer/exporter. What fun! 🥀🌷🌷🌷🥀 Let me know if you need any help with your bulb import business! 😉 Well, yeah! Know any bulb growers or breeders who want to import their goods to the US or need a worker bee to just help them? I'm here in Atlanta we've got a Tradeport....complete w/USA inspection station.
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Mar 3, 2018 4:19:25 GMT -5
hiddenmind depending on where you live, 10 years is one of those milestones that make a huge difference in divorce agreements. Take baza's advice and see a lawyer to determine how it would go and ask about the difference between various lengths of time in a marriage. Thanks for looking out. As for now, I'm not planning on leaving. My son and his well-being are more important to me than my needs. Anyway, maybe this is weird, but I would want almost nothing in a divorce. And I would want my son to stay with his father since he has a stable career and I would be starting from scratch. Welcome and remember that your needs are important too. If you're sucked dry, you have nothing left for your son. Not only that but you're important. Period. You just are.
|
|