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Post by DryCreek on Nov 21, 2016 10:33:05 GMT -5
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Post by wom360 on Nov 21, 2016 11:22:58 GMT -5
Talk about marriage, another forum. And Married Mans Sex Life Primer is a book by Athol Kay.
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Post by lyn on Nov 21, 2016 23:59:51 GMT -5
Hey everyone! I'm Lyn. Been greedily reading and digesting so much here. After so many years of heartache and confusion, no confidante, I'm beyond relieved to find this forum, however, feel sad that so many of us are here. Just a bit of my story as it's pretty similar to many others; married 11.5 years, more-or-less sexless for 10. Two great kids from a previous marriage who are both now in college. My youngest son just went off to college this Fall. My situation has become pretty unbearable since then. We've had a unique situation in that H got a different job 4 hours away from our home 3 years ago. My son was stil in HS and I really didn't want to move him so we opted to have my son and I stay in our home while H "moved" to the new job. He did come home every month for a weekend and for a solid month during holidays. While he was away working, it quickly became evident that I physically and mentally felt better when he was gone. I noticed I would become anxious and stressed when he was home. He's a pretty pleasant person, just doesn't want to f*uck his wiling wife. To make a long story short, now that my son is out of state at school, we've officially moved where my husbands work is so here we are, 24/7. I should mention that I'm on full disability with a relapsing form of MS. One would never look at me and think I have this..... I look completely fit and healthy..... during relapse I have crushing fatigue, terrible headaches, vision issues, mostly that type of thing. I only mention this illness because it is the only thing keeping me here. If I could work to support myself, I would've divorced many years ago. I do live in a State where spouses on disability are pretty much guaranteed alimony indefinitely (or until remarriage). My H is paid solely from gratuities. He does ok but reports maybe 30% of what he earns. I've been looking here for anyone in a similar situation. I've become very isolated and my family can't really help. I'm also completely embarrassed that this is my life. This is super long - if you've read this much, thank you so much for hanging in there!
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Not that anyone will read this but, just a quick addendum - as I mentioned, I recently moved - have new doctors - this team believing that I have been MISDIAGNOSED!!!!! I knew it, I had a feeling this was true. They think I probably had/have LYME as it presents in many of the same ways - all of my recent tests are coming back very good - very healthy. Blood test, MRI's all looking so good. My new internist went over a ton of bloodwork results with me and said he has never had a patient, my age - 47, with the numbers we're seeing. Said he'd guess I was 25 if just looked at my test results.
It has been a major process - getting my health to this point. Has taken 6 years - Not really a topic for ILIASM - if anybody is curious, feel free to PM me - particularly if you have autoimmune, endocrine, or neurodegenerative issues. The human body is an amazing machine.
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Post by lwoetin on Nov 22, 2016 1:08:34 GMT -5
TAM has a forum that is pro-marriage and another for those considering/going through divorce. [There is no forum for outsourcing, apparently not a valid option/discouraged.]
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Post by wom360 on Nov 22, 2016 1:28:19 GMT -5
TAM has a forum that is pro-marriage and another for those considering/going through divorce. [There is no forum for outsourcing, apparently not a valid option/discouraged.] They're more behind the betrayed. That is, the refuser who finally got replaced.
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Post by lwoetin on Nov 22, 2016 1:48:29 GMT -5
TAM has a forum that is pro-marriage and another for those considering/going through divorce. [There is no forum for outsourcing, apparently not a valid option/discouraged.] They're more behind the betrayed. That is, the refuser who finally got replaced. You won't have that issue here.
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Post by unmatched on Nov 22, 2016 4:23:24 GMT -5
Hey everyone! I'm Lyn. Been greedily reading and digesting so much here. After so many years of heartache and confusion, no confidante, I'm beyond relieved to find this forum, however, feel sad that so many of us are here. Just a bit of my story as it's pretty similar to many others; married 11.5 years, more-or-less sexless for 10. Two great kids from a previous marriage who are both now in college. My youngest son just went off to college this Fall. My situation has become pretty unbearable since then. We've had a unique situation in that H got a different job 4 hours away from our home 3 years ago. My son was stil in HS and I really didn't want to move him so we opted to have my son and I stay in our home while H "moved" to the new job. He did come home every month for a weekend and for a solid month during holidays. While he was away working, it quickly became evident that I physically and mentally felt better when he was gone. I noticed I would become anxious and stressed when he was home. He's a pretty pleasant person, just doesn't want to f*uck his wiling wife. To make a long story short, now that my son is out of state at school, we've officially moved where my husbands work is so here we are, 24/7. I should mention that I'm on full disability with a relapsing form of MS. One would never look at me and think I have this..... I look completely fit and healthy..... during relapse I have crushing fatigue, terrible headaches, vision issues, mostly that type of thing. I only mention this illness because it is the only thing keeping me here. If I could work to support myself, I would've divorced many years ago. I do live in a State where spouses on disability are pretty much guaranteed alimony indefinitely (or until remarriage). My H is paid solely from gratuities. He does ok but reports maybe 30% of what he earns. I've been looking here for anyone in a similar situation. I've become very isolated and my family can't really help. I'm also completely embarrassed that this is my life. This is super long - if you've read this much, thank you so much for hanging in there! Hi Lyn and welcome. You are in a tough situation, it seems. I guess you don't think he will look after you if you divorce him, so you may not get the alimony you are entitled to. If that is really the only thing keeping you in your marriage it sounds pretty much like a life sentence, and I wonder whether there are other options you might be able to explore. How frequent and how long are your relapses? And is the disease under control or are you worried it might get progressively worse? You are clearly bright and articulate - I wonder whether there might be opportunites to find contract work or work from home in ways that having to take some time off now and again wouldn't be too difficult? Otherwise you are stuck with celibacy or affairs, which I suspect are not going to compensate for having to live with somebody you don't want to be with. I imagine whatever you do will come with a financial hit, but it might be worth getting creative and seeing what you can come up with.
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Post by Lithium92 on Nov 22, 2016 4:37:40 GMT -5
It's about marriage problems, but the answers all tend to be basically 'the guy needs to be more manly' (regardless of who was refuser). Much beyond that and they seemed at a loss.
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Post by kiltedpadre on Nov 22, 2016 4:56:36 GMT -5
Hello, I'm Kevin; stumbled on this forum a few days ago and finally got around to joining. Oddly enough I've searched sexless support forums before and never found this one before. My wife an I have been married for five years and together 7. We started the maddening slide towards a sexless marriage not long after the wedding day. The signs were there beforehand; something I realize after looking back. We started seeing a sex therapist about a year ago, but if anything it has made things worse. Well, that's probably plenty of a rant for now.
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Post by Lithium92 on Nov 22, 2016 5:16:32 GMT -5
How's it made things worse?
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Post by kiltedpadre on Nov 22, 2016 5:34:13 GMT -5
Prior to seeing the sex therapist she was working with an individual therapist that isn't a sex specialist. Part of the plan at that point involved "scheduling sex" where we agreed to having sex twice a week with her expected to initiate so she wouldn't feel pressured. In reality we typically had sex once a week more often than twice but it was something. Now the sex therapist has us doing what he calls home play assignments. The current one is supposed to be sexual touching that doesn't necessarily lead to sex. He created the caveat that she could choose to actually have sex as part of it, but I'm not supposed to "try for it." However, she not only has never initiated, but she stays in her underwear and I'm not allowed to touch underneath. Basically, we've gone from maintenance sex once or twice a week to her actually saying she can't believe I'm not sexually satisfied with a handjob once or twice a month.
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Post by Lithium92 on Nov 22, 2016 5:58:42 GMT -5
That 'no sex' thing is meant to take the pressure off not just in terms of frequency but actual activities so she can discover all the touchy stuff isn't in fact scary and yukky and she might even enjoy it, then it builds back up to sex because she wants it. That's the theory anyway.
It sounds like she's just using it to back off even further, and have the therapist validate it.
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Post by lyn on Nov 22, 2016 12:44:47 GMT -5
unmatched Thank you for your response. Haven't quite figured out the mechanics of this site. Anyway, you're right...... I'm certain he wouldn't support me whatsoever if I were to divorce him. In all honesty, I WANT to support myself. There have been spans in my life where I was able to make a very good living, with some sick days and working when I wasn't really well enough to. I am doing all I can to try to become healthy enough to work. The disease progression has slowed immensely since I've changed my diet and stopped taking several medications. It is scary though, the prospect of working and potentially becoming to ill to continue a job - in the meantime, lost benefits etc. I would be destititute. To get back to the sex (or lack thereof), I've done "The Talk", "The Letters", told him frankly that I can't continue in a relationship with no sex and very little intimacy in general. We are very good friends aside from this, so he will cry or something, promise to "work on it", then, like clockwork, reset. This last reset was two weeks ago..... all it did was make me angry because I know that he thinks that should "hold me" for a while. Anyway, yesterday I suggested getting a physical (testosterone check), i was very nice about it. He looked at me like I had two heads. I've decided to work on myself. Started going to a cool new church, joining a gym, trying to meet people in this new city I'm in. There's nothing I can do if he really won't try. It's his thing. For now, he's a great roommate......
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Post by Deleted on Nov 26, 2016 16:05:37 GMT -5
lyn, welcome. I'm sorry that your life situation brought you here - this is a club nobody wants to join. But I'm always glad to see new people find this resource, and IMHO it has been a great source of support for a lot of people. I'm particularly glad to see refused women speaking out about it, because of the old stereotype that men always want it and women never do. And, since my refuser used his health issues as a reason to refuse me, I am always glad to see people with a serious health problem who WANT to have sex. That tells me that maybe I wasn't being totally unreasonable to want sex more than twice a year. Anyway - welcome!
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Post by trying on Nov 28, 2016 12:59:57 GMT -5
Hi. Been married over 25 years. Nice relationship except no sex. Having trouble even suggesting counseling. I'm going to read other posts now. I hope this site helps in some way.
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