archived introductions (Jan/Feb/Mar 2017)

It's smart to see an attorney for a free consult just to get educated.
As far as your H - he made a choice. He went elsewhere for his sex life and made a choice. All choices have consequences - good and bad.
Focusing on yourself and what you want for your future is most important.
At this point since your H is being truthful it's also time for you to be truthful.
He neglected you for years and threw your trust for him out the window.
Think about if you want to allow him to regain that trust and if you do you need to lay it all out to him with exactly what you need him to do both sexually and not sexually. In my mind he would need to start over and court you again. Don't make it easy on him either, he either wants to put the hard work in or he doesn't. If he doesn't and divorce isn't an option, then an open marriage or outsourcing is fair. Just put your lover's name in your phone as a woman's name, like Steve is Stephanie so when you go out or get a text or whatever you just say it's my friend Stephanie.

Welcome!  I know this is not a situation you wanted to be in, but here you are.  I am sure there are lots of us in similar situations.  It sounds like your wife was not open to meeting your needs.  This is not uncommon with a refuser.

Fixing porn addiction especially if he is willing to recognise the problem and willing to work on fixing himself is not such a bad position to be in. I would suggest being very supportive when you are having sex. For men confidence feeds confidence and pleasure feeds pleasure. Couple of good sessions will do him a world of good and possibly put him on road to recovery.        

Hi All:

I can't believe after 22 years of being with my wife, I find myself on a sexless marriage website, yet here I am.  I've been perusing the website as a guest for awhile now, wondering what the next step is and where I go from here.  I suppose a little introduction and background is in order:

I'm 45, have been with my wife for the past 22 years (married for 18 of those years), and have three kids with her between the ages of 7 and 13.  I am a business professional and own my own company, which I started in the past two years and have been very successful at.  She is a stay at home mom and home schools all three of our children.  As such, we both work very hard and are a busy family with kids in activities, etc.  While this all sounds great, the problem lies in our sex life.  Point blank - it's non-existent.  We haven't had sex or any sort of physical intimacy since our anniversary in early June - no fooling around, no pleasuring each other, notta.  Before that, we fooled around twice between January and June, 2016.  So, we are going on over 8 months of a sexless marriage with very limited physical intimacy for the six months even before that.  Before that, we were physically intimate maybe once a month or so, but clearly we are in a steep downward spiral and are at an all time low.  Personally, I would love to be in the once a week program, but I'd take once every two weeks at this point.

Before we go too far I should say that I love my wife.  I think she is beautiful, smart funny and quite honestly, I still find her incredibly sexy.  We've had a rough marriage on and off with some deaths in her family that have had lasting emotional issues for her, but we are still together (and I thought happy) and have three beautiful children.  However, (and this is a big however) she has absolutely no sex drive.  None.  In the 22 years we have been together, I can (vaguely) recall two times where she initiated sex.  Once was very early on in our relationship and one was a handful of years ago.  Whenever I try to speak with her about it, she thinks that she is a perfectly normal woman who is busy with kids, etc. and just worn out by the end of the day and in no mood for sex.  I can't even get her to wear a thong or some nice underwear or lingerie for me, so I've stopped buying things like that for her.  She prefers to sleep in an old nightgown.  I keep getting the "Men have much higher sex drives" answer.  We are becoming emotionally disconnected.  My argument that at least making a regular attempt to be intimate is always meet with some excuse.  In my mind, I would feel much more emotionally connected to her if we were being intimate.  She is exactly the opposite.  She stated that we need to be emotionally connected before she can have sex with me.  This is the same girl who back in her wilder days had sex with some guy under a chairlift at a ski resort.  Now, apparently she needs an emotional connection to have sex with her husband after being together 22 years and three kids later.  Double standard?

As my kids are getting older, they stay up later.  This has further eaten into our alone time.  My son is often up until 11 PM and by then my wife is "exhausted".  I should also add that she often feels ill in the morning due to allergies, hot flashes, etc. so morning sex before the kids are up is also a "no go".  Furthermore, when my kids have nightmares (as they do now in then as they are getting use to our new house), they end up in our bed.  I've gotten to the point where I just go sleep in their bed when this happens.  We have lost all semblance of our "personal space" where we could be intimate.  I've raised this issue with my wife in that we need to establish some boundaries with our kids to create some space for us time, but have gotten nowhere.  Bottom line, in looking at the hours in the day, there is literally no time when my kids are asleep that my wife is in the mood for sex.  I've tried taking them to grandma's, scheduling date nights, etc. and nothing yields any intimacy.  The other night we went out to a wonderful dinner (laughed, shared stories, etc.), but then my wife came home and went to bed.  Denied, once again.

This alarming trend is bad enough, but very recently I got blindsided.  I was planning a romantic weekend away to try to "rekindle the flame" and was planning on taking my wife away to a spa for two days.  When I mentioned it to her she indicated that "we needed to talk before going away together overnight".  Alarm bells started going off.   She indicated that she felt that we were emotionally disconnected as I have been busy with my new company and she has been busy taking care of the family.  I concurred that I have been working long hours, but that is in order to allow her to be able to stay home with our kids.  I pay all the bills, handle all the financial obligations, etc.  She hasn't had to earn an income for the last 13 years.  She takes care of the kids, which I understand and appreciate is a full time job in itself.  I even went as far as hiring her a housekeeper, which I got to help her be able to focus on schooling the kids so that she didn't have to worry about laundry, dishes, etc. 

When she initiated this "we need to talk discussion", she described that she wasn't feeling connected to me emotionally.  When I asked her if she was still in love with me there was a very awkward pause and then an "I'm not sure".  "I'm not sure".  Apparently that's what taking care of someone for 22 years gets you.  WTF!  After 22 years together (during several of those years before we had kids she was at home trying to "figure out what she wanted to be when she grew up" while I worked to support both of us), I felt completely devalued and taken for granted.  Quite honestly I was heartbroken and pissed off, all at the same time.  I have been telling her for years that I have felt like a third wheel (first to her family when her parent died and she was an emotional wreck for about five years, and then once we started having kids).  Everyone else's priorities have seemed to come before mine.  Hell, even the dog gets taken to the groomer, walked regularly, and a good petting or two when it asks for it.  She seems to make time for everyone else and everything but intimacy and my needs.  She has time to watch TV in the evenings (so much political crap it drives me crazy) and schedule nights out with her girlfriends every few weeks (during which time I come home from work early to watch the kids so she can go out), but she can't take 15 minutes (or three hours to make love with her husband and show me that I am worth making an effort.  Am I way out of line on this ladies?  Is asking for intimacy once every few weeks too much?  I don't know whether to be extremely pissed off or disappointed that we have ended up here after 22 years and three kids.

So, I'm not sure where I go from here.  As I said, I love my wife but there's no physical intimacy.  I can't live in a sexless marriage, but I am not going to get a divorce as I love my kids too much.  I have no desire to cheat because there is WAY too much at risk financially and with my kids, but if this continues, I am worried that may change.  "Taking matters into my own hands" gets old after awhile.  I've tried to talk about this with her many times, but she just seems to think it is a phase in our lives that we are in.  She's also implied that I am the one that needs to work on changing, which has been exceptionally frustrating.  I try to be home for my family and my kids as much as I can, but that's still not enough for her.  I am really trying to make an effort, but I have been told "no" way too many times in this past year.  She is either "too tired, has a headache, has an upset stomach, hot flashes, or the kids aren't asleep".   If I had a $1 for every "maybe tomorrow", I've been pretty well off.  I find myself finding other things to do as I end up wanting to spend less time with someone that clearly doesn't value my contribution to the family.  I keep telling myself I need to be there for my kids, but my wife is not making this easy by implying that the whole problem is with me when I honesty don't believe it is.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!  This is SO damn frustrating.  She says "All you ever want is sex".  Uh ya, it's been 8 months which is why it keeps coming up.  We have a problem that needs to be addressed.  Having sex would be a good start trying to fix it.   Am I wrong in wanting to be intimate with my wife?

 

   


 

 

Hello,

I'm 26, have been married for two years to my husband (31), have been together for four years, and have been in a sexless relationship for three years.

I've tried talking about the issue at least once every two months for the past two years, and usually he says that he would like to have more sex too and that he is unhappy in the relationship because I often get upset with his untidyness around the house.

We never make out, hold hands or cuddle, he hardly shows any intimacy. I wonder if he's been cheating on me, but feel he would never admit to it.

He pretends everything is fine, and talks about having children. I do not want to bring children into an unhappy marriage and he knows this.

I'm at my wit's end. Last night, I told him I couldn't go on like this anymore, and he said that he thought things were getting better and that he was trying but I don't see that.

He often gets jealous and tells me not to wear so much makeup or to wear more modest clothing, even though I would say that I objectively do.

I would say that I'm attractive, in shape, always dress nicely and am motivated (just finished graduate school). I don't know why he doesn't want to show affection, I try to dress attractively and to show love for him to no avail.

It's to the point to where I am very depressed and sad most of the time. I also feel like he doesn't talk or communicate enough with me, like I'm just a prop in the room that isn't acknowledged, and that he'd prefer if I hardly existed.

LOL, the spats about the house being messy is not related at all to his low libido.

As to your makeup & clothing, I never understand why a man would not want his wife to be as attractive as possible.  But some men are very controlling.

But welcome and I hope you find some help here.  It amazes me how many young, attractive women have problems in this area.

Oh my!  A 31 year old man who lives with his parents is a huge red flag.  Maybe you are saving for a house & that would be a good explanation.  But there is no reason to leave trash on the floor.  That is a sign of immaturity. 

I really don't think watching porn and masturbating is a problem, UNLESS it is coupled with sexual refusal.  Then it is a HUGE problem because it is replacing marital sex.  So what kind of work does he do?

Yes, it is a big problem that he has been living with his mom since he was 18.  A grown man WANTS to have his own place.  So how does his mom "require" you to make dinner?  This seems a bit odd and controlling to me.  Yes, if he has been babied, that will definitely cause problems.

And your instinct is dead on.  DO NOT buy a house or produce children with this man until ALL of these issues have been resolved.  You are entirely too young to be refused.