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Post by bballgirl on Feb 15, 2017 14:35:15 GMT -5
What?! He can't have sex because the house is not tidy?! Totally abnormal! Also he has arms and legs so he can clean it if it makes him unhappy. Tell him you're unhappy that you can't have sex. So if you are both unhappy then what's the point of being married. Smart decision not to have children with this man. Set a time table (I'd give it 6 months max), get on birth control if you aren't already, notify him that he's on the clock to turn this around. My gut tells me you married a sexual dud. You deserve better. Read on here a lot and don't waste your youth on the wrong man like I did. Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in but it's a great support group. I told him that he has 6 months to show changes, or else I won't sign a mortgage with him, and I won't move forward until the issues are resolved. At first, I made it seem as if I would leave if things did not get better but he started to yell 'then leave now' and was saying that why should he work on it I'm not. He seems to think he is completely not at fault and was saying that I am "angry all the time," always tense because I'm angry, always yelling at him, when I would say that I sometimes tell him to stop snoring in the middle of the night or to do his dishes. It all seemed like a very immature blowup, and that he felt like he was losing the perceived control that he thought he had over me. It was very exhausting and draining. It seems that he's hiding some insecurities or his true needs/wants from the relationship behind a self-constructed facade and controlling behaviors. I wish he would just be honest so that we could save time. He's definitely hiding something. I would suggest to you as an experiment and record your data in a journal: Record each day for a month- Do not yell at him, maybe even compliment him - "wow that shirt looks really nice on you!" , keep the house tidy, do the dishes for the sake of science, see if he has sex with you. I bet he won't but you'll have your answer with the data recorded. Yeah no way I'd sign on a mortgage.
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Post by frannyglass on Feb 15, 2017 14:55:27 GMT -5
I told him that he has 6 months to show changes, or else I won't sign a mortgage with him, and I won't move forward until the issues are resolved. At first, I made it seem as if I would leave if things did not get better but he started to yell 'then leave now' and was saying that why should he work on it I'm not. He seems to think he is completely not at fault and was saying that I am "angry all the time," always tense because I'm angry, always yelling at him, when I would say that I sometimes tell him to stop snoring in the middle of the night or to do his dishes. It all seemed like a very immature blowup, and that he felt like he was losing the perceived control that he thought he had over me. It was very exhausting and draining. It seems that he's hiding some insecurities or his true needs/wants from the relationship behind a self-constructed facade and controlling behaviors. I wish he would just be honest so that we could save time. He's definitely hiding something. I would suggest to you as an experiment and record your data in a journal: Record each day for a month- Do not yell at him, maybe even compliment him - "wow that shirt looks really nice on you!" , keep the house tidy, do the dishes for the sake of science, see if he has sex with you. I bet he won't but you'll have your answer with the data recorded. Yeah no way I'd sign on a mortgage. I will conduct this experiment!! I think that doing that will actually be the best way to come to a conclusion about my situation because he would be in the most enabling environment. Thank you!
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Post by bballgirl on Feb 15, 2017 15:04:20 GMT -5
He's definitely hiding something. I would suggest to you as an experiment and record your data in a journal: Record each day for a month- Do not yell at him, maybe even compliment him - "wow that shirt looks really nice on you!" , keep the house tidy, do the dishes for the sake of science, see if he has sex with you. I bet he won't but you'll have your answer with the data recorded. Yeah no way I'd sign on a mortgage. I will conduct this experiment!! I think that doing that will actually be the best way to come to a conclusion about my situation because he would be in the most enabling environment. Thank you! Your welcome Facts and data don't lie and he's a bullshitter so you will call him out if that's the case. Good luck! Keep us informed on your findings!
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2017 14:31:51 GMT -5
Hello, I'm 26, have been married for two years to my husband (31), have been together for four years, and have been in a sexless relationship for three years. I've tried talking about the issue at least once every two months for the past two years, and usually he says that he would like to have more sex too and that he is unhappy in the relationship because I often get upset with his untidyness around the house. We never make out, hold hands or cuddle, he hardly shows any intimacy. I wonder if he's been cheating on me, but feel he would never admit to it. He pretends everything is fine, and talks about having children. I do not want to bring children into an unhappy marriage and he knows this. I'm at my wit's end. Last night, I told him I couldn't go on like this anymore, and he said that he thought things were getting better and that he was trying but I don't see that. He often gets jealous and tells me not to wear so much makeup or to wear more modest clothing, even though I would say that I objectively do. I would say that I'm attractive, in shape, always dress nicely and am motivated (just finished graduate school). I don't know why he doesn't want to show affection, I try to dress attractively and to show love for him to no avail. It's to the point to where I am very depressed and sad most of the time. I also feel like he doesn't talk or communicate enough with me, like I'm just a prop in the room that isn't acknowledged, and that he'd prefer if I hardly existed. As tough as it might sound, it seems to me like you are in a situation where the probability of being able to have a thriving emotionally involved and sexually fulfilling marriage is pretty low. The bit where you say that he claims things are getting better stands out as an omnious sign. It suggests he is not serious enough and just looking to make excuses. You are still young and I think you are doing absolutely doing the right thing by not wanting kids. 3 years is a while and I think it is about time you thought of exit options.
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Post by Dan on Feb 17, 2017 11:12:09 GMT -5
I would suggest to you as an experiment and record your data in a journal ... I will conduct this experiment!! I think that doing that will actually be the best way to come to a conclusion about my situation because he would be in the most enabling environment. Thank you! Kudos to bballgirl for a clever suggestion. Props to frannyglass for being willing to try it! Just my 2¢ though: once it comes to "keeping a log" or "recording what he says" -- either with the intent of "playing it back to him to prove your point" -- well, things are pretty far gone. Maybe too far gone. What I mean is this: if he truly loves you and is willing to change to make YOU and you BOTH happy... great! But then he really should just be listening to your words, even without the concrete evidence. Conversely, if he is unlikely to change to build marital happiness and closeness just because you lovingly request it... then will he be willing to change once you "confront" him with "evidence"? (In my experience, "confronting" is not conducive to the good will required to fix things with a good attitude.) The one purpose the whole "log it all" experience might serve to help is just YOU convincing YOURSELF that "he is miserable either way". That might be the encouragement YOU need to take the next steps... which may be starting to step out of the marriage. Looking forward to an update! Be sure to post it in a new thread on the SM Issues board.
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Feb 18, 2017 14:15:01 GMT -5
Frannyglass: I am also 26, and bring up my discomfort with our sex life about every other month, and heavily about once a year (maybe twice) and we have been sexless for 8 years now. Eight years... And I am 26... Yeah, crazy right?! We do have a child and I am trying to work on college so I have a reason to stay, but I really should have reassessed what I actually wanted in life and needed from him before I got too baby crazed and wasn't thinking as clearly.
I also agree with Dan, I would do the experiment but really use that information more for your knowledge than to shove in his face. If he is a factual guy like my H, the numbers actually do help though. Best of luck.
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Post by leifericson on Feb 19, 2017 19:42:52 GMT -5
Hi all. I never knew that there was a community of people like me online. I have always been ashamed of being in a sexless marriage. I miss the intimacy and closeness but to be honest, its been so long, that its not even painful anymore. I also think, as a guy, that its cruel and I am very resentful. I am sure that I am not alone, after so many years of rejection, that I gave up trying. I still have a very strong physical need, just no outlet. I rarely talk about this because i know that I will get the usual barrage of questions of why do I stay, have i talked to my wife (really?), how whoever I am talking to could never live like that, and on and on.
Well, I hope to get to know some of you an am looking forward to reading the forums.
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Post by snowman12345 on Feb 19, 2017 20:53:30 GMT -5
Hello. I'm a 39 year old male who just got married 10 months ago. Was with my wife for about 3 years before we tied the knot. Our sex life was fine before we got engaged and it slow went down hill. We haven't had sex in almost 4 months and only once since we've been married other than our honeymoon. I'm seriously debating leaving my wife. I feel like I have a roommate and not a wife. The lack of sex definitely bothers me but it's the complete lack of intimacy. I can't touch her. I can't hold her at night. I'm not happy and honestly haven't been since I got married. Run! Don't walk, run. It is called the old bait and switch. Just my 2 cents.
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Post by mrslowmaintenance on Feb 20, 2017 1:02:12 GMT -5
Hi all. I never knew that there was a community of people like me online. I have always been ashamed of being in a sexless marriage. I miss the intimacy and closeness but to be honest, its been so long, that its not even painful anymore. I also think, as a guy, that its cruel and I am very resentful. I am sure that I am not alone, after so many years of rejection, that I gave up trying. I still have a very strong physical need, just no outlet. I rarely talk about this because i know that I will get the usual barrage of questions of why do I stay, have i talked to my wife (really?), how whoever I am talking to could never live like that, and on and on. Well, I hope to get to know some of you an am looking forward to reading the forums. I am still new here as well, but I hope you find as much useful and uplifting information and perspectives as I have! Everyone I have ever mentioned this to, any hint of how little sex we actually have, I get bombarded with rwdiculous suggestions so I can relate. How often do you guys have sex? "Oh I don't know maybe every 6 to 8 weeks" Lots of wait what? Weeks? "Yup... " Then comes the 'have you tried' 'i wouldn't be able to' 'you must be doing this wrong' and the classic 'it will pass' Cool story bro... 8 years in, I think I have heard "have you tried lingerie " at least a dozen times (then comes my uncontrollable 'ya think' face)
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Post by thefullmoon on Feb 20, 2017 1:40:10 GMT -5
Hi all. I never knew that there was a community of people like me online. I have always been ashamed of being in a sexless marriage. I miss the intimacy and closeness but to be honest, its been so long, that its not even painful anymore. I also think, as a guy, that its cruel and I am very resentful. I am sure that I am not alone, after so many years of rejection, that I gave up trying. I still have a very strong physical need, just no outlet. I rarely talk about this because i know that I will get the usual barrage of questions of why do I stay, have i talked to my wife (really?), how whoever I am talking to could never live like that, and on and on. Well, I hope to get to know some of you an am looking forward to reading the forums. I am still new here as well, but I hope you find as much useful and uplifting information and perspectives as I have! Everyone I have ever mentioned this to, any hint of how little sex we actually have, I get bombarded with rwdiculous suggestions so I can relate. How often do you guys have sex? "Oh I don't know maybe every 6 to 8 weeks" Lots of wait what? Weeks? "Yup... " Then comes the 'have you tried' 'i wouldn't be able to' 'you must be doing this wrong' and the classic 'it will pass' Cool story bro... 8 years in, I think I have heard "have you tried lingerie " at least a dozen times (then comes my uncontrollable 'ya think' face) Ordinary people think that sexless marriage is an urban myth that easily cured with lingerie and scented candles(if you are a woman) and more house work and nice gift (if you are a man)... it is a waste of time to mention your sexless marriage to ordinary people...
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Post by leifericson on Feb 20, 2017 19:55:46 GMT -5
Hi all. I never knew that there was a community of people like me online. I have always been ashamed of being in a sexless marriage. I miss the intimacy and closeness but to be honest, its been so long, that its not even painful anymore. I also think, as a guy, that its cruel and I am very resentful. I am sure that I am not alone, after so many years of rejection, that I gave up trying. I still have a very strong physical need, just no outlet. I rarely talk about this because i know that I will get the usual barrage of questions of why do I stay, have i talked to my wife (really?), how whoever I am talking to could never live like that, and on and on. Well, I hope to get to know some of you an am looking forward to reading the forums. I am still new here as well, but I hope you find as much useful and uplifting information and perspectives as I have! Everyone I have ever mentioned this to, any hint of how little sex we actually have, I get bombarded with rwdiculous suggestions so I can relate. How often do you guys have sex? "Oh I don't know maybe every 6 to 8 weeks" Lots of wait what? Weeks? "Yup... " Then comes the 'have you tried' 'i wouldn't be able to' 'you must be doing this wrong' and the classic 'it will pass' Cool story bro... 8 years in, I think I have heard "have you tried lingerie " at least a dozen times (then comes my uncontrollable 'ya think' face) I start to feel defensive and having to justify my choices in staying in a sexless marriage. No reason given is accepted and everyone becomes a relationship expert. Its better just not to tell anyone.
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Post by leifericson on Feb 20, 2017 19:57:56 GMT -5
I am still new here as well, but I hope you find as much useful and uplifting information and perspectives as I have! Everyone I have ever mentioned this to, any hint of how little sex we actually have, I get bombarded with rwdiculous suggestions so I can relate. How often do you guys have sex? "Oh I don't know maybe every 6 to 8 weeks" Lots of wait what? Weeks? "Yup... " Then comes the 'have you tried' 'i wouldn't be able to' 'you must be doing this wrong' and the classic 'it will pass' Cool story bro... 8 years in, I think I have heard "have you tried lingerie " at least a dozen times (then comes my uncontrollable 'ya think' face) Ordinary people think that sexless marriage is an urban myth that easily cured with lingerie and scented candles(if you are a woman) and more house work and nice gift (if you are a man)... it is a waste of time to mention your sexless marriage to ordinary people... As a man, its not like I've tried everything (and continue to try). I'm understanding, nice, give companionship, gifts and whatever else I can think of. Its really pathetic.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 20, 2017 20:19:12 GMT -5
Welcome, leifericson. I'm sorry you have to be here, because sexless marriage is miserable. But here, you will find people who DO understand what your life is like. It's a good support group.
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Post by baza on Feb 20, 2017 20:21:16 GMT -5
It would be worth your while copying this and posting it in the "Sexless marriage issues" threads - to expose the story to a wider audience. In this "Introduce Yourself" thread, posts get buried and lost very easily.
Anyway. It might help if you were to let a heap of emotional air out of the balloon, and, for the moment, regard sex as a "commodity".
In an ILIASM shithole environment, the refused spouse regards this commodity very highly. The avoidant spouse does NOT regard this commodity as having much, if any, value.
So if you embark upon a policy of "scented candles", "date nights" and suchlike, you are offering your spouse an opportunity to engage in a commodity that they have no interest in. Understandably enough, the avoidant spouse finds this to be an offer they find very easy to refuse.
In a 'normal' relationship - where both spouses regard the commodity as important and valuable - the "scented candles", "date nights" and suchlike work brilliantly. But in a situation where one of the spouses doesn't place much if any value on the commodity on offer, then the "scented candles", "date nights" and suchlike do not work at all.
You, the refused spouse, are wasting your time. It is NOT a case of you not going about the "scented candles", "date nights" and suchlike" in the wrong manner. It is a case of the commodity you are offering being of no value or interest to your avoidant spouse.
The underlying message is, that your avoidant spouse does not desire to fuck you. Never really did want to, and never will want to.
It is most definitely NOT a case where your spouse secretly harbours a fiery desire to fuck you senseless, if only you could find the right key. There is no key. There is no desire. It is what it is.
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Post by thefullmoon on Feb 21, 2017 4:11:12 GMT -5
It would be worth your while copying this and posting it in the "Sexless marriage issues" threads - to expose the story to a wider audience. In this "Introduce Yourself" thread, posts get buried and lost very easily. Anyway. It might help if you were to let a heap of emotional air out of the balloon, and, for the moment, regard sex as a "commodity". In an ILIASM shithole environment, the refused spouse regards this commodity very highly. The avoidant spouse does NOT regard this commodity as having much, if any, value. So if you embark upon a policy of "scented candles", "date nights" and suchlike, you are offering your spouse an opportunity to engage in a commodity that they have no interest in. Understandably enough, the avoidant spouse finds this to be an offer they find very easy to refuse. In a 'normal' relationship - where both spouses regard the commodity as important and valuable - the "scented candles", "date nights" and suchlike work brilliantly. But in a situation where one of the spouses doesn't place much if any value on the commodity on offer, then the "scented candles", "date nights" and suchlike do not work at all. You, the refused spouse, are wasting your time. It is NOT a case of you not going about the "scented candles", "date nights" and suchlike" in the wrong manner. It is a case of the commodity you are offering being of no value or interest to your avoidant spouse. The underlying message is, that your avoidant spouse does not desire to fuck you. Never really did want to, and never will want to. It is most definitely NOT a case where your spouse secretly harbours a fiery desire to fuck you senseless, if only you could find the right key. There is no key. There is no desire. It is what it is. Just a burning summary... All the ways lead to the last 3 lines....Whatever you do and no matter for how many decades ..
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