archived introductions (Apr 2017)

Perhaps don't dismiss completely the concerns ofyour friends and family. There may be good reason that they are looking out for You. Maybe they are seeing something in this that you aren't. I'm suspecting that you may be someone who has a huge heart and they don't want to see you get hurt. This group may in fact be helpful for you in more ways than one in your journey. As you come to share more of your story here, you will find the advice of most here to be honest and forthright.

Hello all, I like all of you probably never thought I'd be posting about the situation we are in. I am new to all of this so please bear with me if I post something incorrectly.

I am married to the brightest, most desirable woman and wonderful mother; and I adore her. Our relationship started in 2000,I was 29 and at the point in life where a real relationship was needed. Then I met my wife, and I guess like all dating couples, there was great deal of playfulness, intimacy & passion. Yet, I remember a little voice in my head, no not that one, something just didn't seem right. For two years, things were "normal" and in 2002 found us married and with a baby by June. During her pregnancy things started to change immediately. We discussed years later that she suffered terribly from post-partum depression, I wasn’t aware at the time. So, time passed things went back to “normal” all but our sex life. We didn’t have sex for a year after our son was born. Shortly after I took a new job that gave me more home time, I thought this would fix the “problem”. But things only slowly got worse. A few years later she had a breast reduction and so I would not “hurt” her, she suggested I sleep in the spare room. That was 9 years ago, I’m still in the spare room.

In our 17 years, we have gone from "once a night" to "once or maybe twice a year, maybe"! All the while I always must be the aggressor. If she actually ever “took the lead” I would think she had been possessed by an alien being. Now I am not completely blameless I suppose. I do suffer from sleep apnea, and I do work and try different things to correct it. Have spent countless hours in sleep studies and used various devices. So I am sometimes tired after working a hectic schedule. But who says our sex life must be conducted at 1 or 2am? Oh, yes the wife that is who. So I make myself stay up many nights for her schedule. Doing things like running the kiddo everywhere. Making dinner, watching “her” shows with her. Staying up as each moment passes, knowing that if something doesn’t happen I will be so worn out the next day and angry. Then it happens, time and time again. 1 a.m. comes and she says, “it’s late, what are you doing up?” I am crushed and go to my room defeated once again. While I don’t know if I could keep up with once a night for very long any more, once or twice a week would be great; even four or five times a month would be good! Yes, I miss the raw passion we shared and I miss being wanted, but I find what I miss the most is intimacy. I’m tired of sharing my life with a roommate. That is what I feel this relationship has turned into. I don’t doubt she cares for me very much, perhaps even loves me very much.

I have tried suggesting romantic weekends away (too busy), talking with her (too busy, doesn’t want to talk, changes subject, tells me all I think about is sex), flowers, surprise gifts (usually I get thanked), etc. I even wrote her a rather long letter asking her to respond to which she didn’t. I have run out of ideas to “fix” this. I love my wife very much, desire her more than any woman I have ever been with. I am sure the biggest suggestion will be seek counseling, she refuses. I have spoken with a few now on my own. All say essentially the same thing. Communication, communication, get her to open up. There has to be an underlying issue, get her to tell you what she doesn’t like about sex. I would say it might be a health issue. But she is a health care professional. She knows her body and about these things better than most. I love my family too much for divorce. I can’t imagine the guilt I’d feel if I had an affair. I am lost in the ocean and not sure what my next move is.

Whereas your missus really likes what being married to you brings to her table (kid chauffer, buyer of gifts, contributor of money, and social accessory etc) it does NOT follow that she desires *you* - the person - at all.

Nowhere in your story is there any evidence that she "wants" you, although it IS clear that she wants you around. You are an integral part of HER marriage.
What you might want out of the HER marriage is of no great importance to her.

She pretty much has the marriage she wants.
Put yourself in that position - being in a marriage that is delivering what you want.
How receptive would YOU be to embrace some change to the status quo ?

You say - "There has to be an underlying issue"
That is not so.
It is just as likely to simply be her being her. That this is just the way she is.

But let's just follow this out a tad further. Let's assume there IS an underlying issue.
Let's further speculate that you find out what the issue is.
So what ?
You knowing what the underlying issue is will do nothing to bring this situation to resolution.

Her issues (if present) are her issues, and as such, matters completely out of your control. There is not one thing you can do about her issues.
That would be her job - and entirely optional - she is under no obligation to do one damn thing about her issues.
And on what you have thus far said, there is no intent on her part to do anything about identifying any issues she may have, let alone working on them.

Stay
Cheat
Leave
There's your options, all perfectly valid.
And all hellishly difficult.

I hope you find in here some clarity to assist you in the challenging choices ahead of you Brother ilongforsome

Wish I could have made a more rosey welcoming for you, but there is little point in sugar coating this dysfunctional marriage curse.

Hello everyone I am new but in the same boat and looking forward to having sosme meaningful converstaions

What this will all come down to Brother ilongforsome - given that all these options involve short term pain -  is which option is likely to provide the best long term outcome for you.

Personally (although it is a perfectly valid choice) I don't think cheating has a real lot going for it. It won't do one damn thing to resolve the core problem of your dysfunctional marriage. Indeed it will complicate your life enormously, and when you get caught, 3 lives get majorly disrupted, yours, your missus' and your affair partners'. And, quite likely, blows your marriage out of the water anyway in an acrimonious fashion at the instigation of a volcanically angry spouse.
Of course the ending of your dysfunctional marriage would not necessarily be such a bad thing in and of itself, but ending it in this fashion is needlessly messy and would create a whole lot of ill will, which you could well do without.

Staying (another perfectly valid choice) at least has familiarity going for it.
But if you go this route, it is incumbent on you to own that choice. No more taking your missus' inventory, no more trying to change her.
You have to accept her "as is" and do so without resentment / blame.
This is very very hard. The resentment factor is huge, and not too many people can get past that.

Leaving (just as valid a choice as the other two) will involve a spike in your pain level. It is probably one of the hardest things you'll ever do.
But it will bring your dysfunctional marriage to a conclusion, and give both of you the opportunity to start afresh, although there is always going to be an ongoing relationship with your missus as a co-parent at the very minimum.
What you might do with this opportunity is pretty much down to you.

I don't envy the choices you have in front of you.

FWIW I confronted these choices when it was my turn in the spin dryer back in 2009.
For me, and my particular circumstances, my best long term interests were to get out, and that's what I ended up doing.
I have never regretted it.
But take that for what it is worth - it is not a recommendation or advice.

The choices ahead of you here are yours and ONLY yours to make.

ilongforsome welcome! I'm glad you found our little group. Based on your story, I can promise you that we "get" you.

Have you told your wife exactly how you feel? Just wondering, because I didn't see that in your post.

In any case, please keep reading, and keep posting. These simple actions will help bring clarity.

Hello all. I am new around here, found this site about a week and a half ago and I have been reading posts since then. The information I found on here helped me to speak to my spouse recently about our marital issues.

Some background, I have been married for 4 1/2 years and all of it has been SM. There were issues before we got married, my husband has very few sexual encounters even though he was almost 40, and had only dated one woman before. So he was very inexperienced and had a lot of issues in the bedroom and wasn't prone to initiate anything. But we were working on it and he was willingly working on it with me and we were consistently improving before marriage. I ended up getting the flu before our wedding day so I was barely standing for the ceremony and the wedding night. I didn't think anything of not being intimate because I was so feverish it made sense. But it never happened after that until we decided to start a family. And it only took one try to get pregnant!! I thought that was a rip off myself lol. Since then we have only been intimate one more time.

I have talked about it with him before, always from an understanding position, how can I help you? What do you need to make things work? And he has claimed to have ED which is why we couldn't be intimate. But then there was no more touching and kissing or anything for the last two years and it is just destroying me. I brought this all up with him last week and he confessed that he does occasionally watch porn and he has no issues with ED then, so I know thats not the cause. He went to the Dr. before we got married and he has no testosterone issues. He says he is sexually attracted to me but I don't believe that is the case. Since we spoke last week he has tried to be more attentive such as sitting next to me on the couch and giving me kisses. Nothing more than that though, I don't think he knows what to do. When we spoke he said he just started putting himself down. "I suck, I am terrible at everything, etc. etc." It was difficult to speak about it because then I started having to defend him, no you are not a terrible person we just need to work on this. Ugh.

At this point I have decided to seek counseling. He has reluctantly agreed to go so I just need to call the counselor I found. I also need to work on myself, I know everything cannot be laid at his feet alone. I take too long to speakup and I have not been taking care of myslef. I put on weight and and I don't exercise or eat healthy anymore. I don't have a social life and I have battled depression after my sister passed away. I know I need to focus on these things. I am not prepared to leave this relationship at this time because we do have a 3 year old daughter and I am not willing to disrupt that at this time. I also have a hard time admitting defeat and need to make sure I have tried everything.

Thanks for letting me vent!