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Post by Copernicus on Apr 12, 2017 20:59:51 GMT -5
Hi Appleaday, So sorry to hear of your situation. From what you have said, it sounds as if he's just inexperienced, which is why he watches porn, because he then he 'can't get anything wrong.' I think it's a great idea to seek counseling, but why not both go see a sex therapist? I'm guessing such a professional would be able to help you. Certainly, everyone here will do their best to help and support you.
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appleaday
Junior Member
Posts: 95 
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by appleaday on Apr 13, 2017 10:41:30 GMT -5
Thanks bballgirl. Just finding this forum has been a help knowing there are others who are having similar issues makes me feel less alone. I love my husband very much and I still have hope for intimacy but a lot of doubts too. I find myself pulling away now too and not able to look at him the same way. I can't even imagine being intimate with him right now which worries me.
Copernicus I attributed everything to inexperience in the beginning but we have been together for almost 6 years and I tried to be sensitive and gentle and guide him but I feel he doesn't want to get better. I have been with inexperienced men before and have found that they are just still usually eager and motivated to gain experience.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 13, 2017 11:26:13 GMT -5
1- He went to the Dr. before we got married and he has no testosterone issues. He says he is sexually attracted to me but I don't believe that is the case. 2 - I also need to work on myself, I know everything cannot be laid at his feet alone. I take too long to speakup and I have not been taking care of myself. I put on weight and and I don't exercise or eat healthy anymore. I don't have a social life and I have battled depression after my sister passed away. I know I need to focus on these things. 3- I am not prepared to leave this relationship at this time because we do have a 3 year old daughter and I am not willing to disrupt that at this time. I also have a hard time admitting defeat and need to make sure I have tried everything. First of all, welcome here! You are among friends who have walked the same path you have, and really understand where you have been. Some of us are still walking it, some of us have come up with coping strategies, and others have moved on, separating or divorcing. I do want to address some things in your post that really stood out to me. 1- You have no way to confirm that he had no testosterone issues. The only way to know is for him to be tested and for you to look at the results. The "normal" range is 400-1100. That range encompasses all men, from 18 to 80. I had mine tested in 2014, and told it was normal. It was 414. So it was normal for a a 75 year old man, and I was 48. As for him being sexually attracted to you, actions speak louder than words. 2 - Maybe you need to work on yourself, but that is not the issue. I can say that when a person is sexually rejected for a long time, it is devastating to a person's self esteem. This could be an additional reason for your depression, weight gain & eating habits. 3 - Your reasons for staying at this time are VERY valid. I had two daughters that I had to think of and they are the main reasons that I stayed as long as I did. However, I definitely lost a big part of myself. And I also had a hard time admitting that I could not make the marriage work. I am so glad you are here. You can vent, cry, cuss, and say whatever you want. |
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jen09
New Member
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Post by jen09 on Apr 13, 2017 12:01:18 GMT -5
Hi everyone,
Sorry for my english, it is not my first language.
I've been married for 1 year and 5 months now, and i just started to see a problem. The first months of marriage were good sexually speaking, but then we just stop having sex, just once every couple of months... maybe more months. I know i haven't been married for that long, but i don't know if this is the beginning of a whole life problem. He is very sweet with me, we still kiss and hug and cuddle, we trust each other and are warm with each other, but no sex. I have talked with him in several ocasions about it, asking what's happening. It seems he makes excuses depending of whats happenning at the moment "im too tired, you are in your period, im too fat, you are sick (i had a back injury, nothing serious)...". At the beginning i focused on the "I'm too fat" , thiking it was a self esteem problem i tried to not push him and told him i like him and i married him because of that. But as the time passes and i see how he does masturbate and also watches porn... i'm started to feel hopeless that maybe he is just not attracted to me anymore, which is unfair because if that is the case then he should just be honest with me, even if it hurts. (He obviously says he is attracted to me)
I can say that we love each other very much, we don't want a divorce but he never really explains me what's happening, and i'm getting really frustrated as i don't want to move on and have kids knowing there is a big problem here.
He will probably be ok to go to therapy so... what do you recomend me to do? Am i being too dramatic or is it something that actually needs our attention?.
Thanks.
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Post by Copernicus on Apr 13, 2017 12:41:17 GMT -5
Hi Jen09
YOU ARE NOT BEING TOO DRAMATIC!
It's good to have you join us on the forum! As you are probably aware, we all pretty much share the same story of having to live in a sexless marriage (SM), but for different reasons and, similarly, our partners have a complete variety of responses to either addressing the issue directly with us, or being prepared to go and speak to a therapist. It sounds as if you have already tried the direct approach, and the truth is that he's not being honest with you because he gives you a different reason every time. I would strongly recommend you both going to see a counselor or sex therapist together to find out was is the real issue.
I think you are very wise to hold back on adding children to this mix. As wonderful as they are, they only increase the burden to what is an already stressful situation.
Just jump in with us and start asking questions - People will be more than happy to give you the wisdom of their experiences.
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jen09
New Member
Posts: 2
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Post by jen09 on Apr 13, 2017 13:24:53 GMT -5
Hi Copernicus. Thank you for your comment. It is nice to feel i can speak with someone about this as by now, just me and my husband know what's happening. I have two siblings that already passed through a divorce and i will feel so disappointed if i end like that too, that's why i want to do as much as i can although i know some problems can't get fixed.
Yes, therapy is my next step. Yeah, he is lying and im scared of why, as we are very open with each other and we have always communicate well, until now. I guess i just have to be brave and find what the real problem is. I definetly need everyone's wisdom.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Apr 14, 2017 4:54:01 GMT -5
Hi jen09Welcome to our gang! I'm so sorry you are having these problems at home. We all understand. You are in a good position so far in that the marriage is short and there are no children complicating matters. Only you can decide whether the marriage is one worth fighting for. It may be something simple, it it may be that actually, your husband just isn't into sex and nothing will change that. The question for you is, am I prepared to live the rest of my life like this? I suggest, and I could be wrong, that it shouldn't be this difficult. My initial thoughts are that you have a whole life ahead of you and you can choose which way to go on this. If it were me in your shoes right now, I'd run for the hills. But that's obviously clouded by my own 17 years of hell! We're here for you. Sending love xx |
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Post by eternaloptimism on Apr 14, 2017 4:57:41 GMT -5
Hello everyone I am new but in the same boat and looking forward to having sosme meaningful converstaions Hello sexylee welcome to the club  We're here for you if and when you are ready to share... even if you have labelled yourself as dirty and old lol! rookie mistake perhaps!? Anyway, hello friend EO X |
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Post by orangepeel on Apr 14, 2017 5:39:13 GMT -5
Hello everyone. The name's Peel. Orange Peel. Which is about as close as I get to James Bond, because I bet he's had sex at some point in the last four and a half years.
My story, as I gather from long-time lurking, is like many others: married for 22 years, at it like rabbits before and after the big day, kids arrive (lovely kids now late teens), a general slowdown, then a massive nosedive and then two years of grudging pity sex before I decided that I wasn't going to be said no to again and so stopped asking. And so sex has totally stopped. My wife doesn't seem to have noticed and barely acknowledges it when I try (admittedly Infrequently) to address the issue. She just carries on blithely while I spend about one waking minute in every six - for four and a half years! - either thinking about it or trying not to think about it. (I was going to add then 'if you know what I mean', but the beauty of this community is that I know you'll know what I mean.)
So, I've done with rationalising this as it doesn't achieve anything - the writ of the mind doesn't extend to the emotions - and to keep my morale up I know this has little to do with me: women are attracted to me, thank God, otherwise I'd shrivel up into a ball of self loathing. But given that sex is now over, and given too that I won't leave my wife or have an affair (it's just not me), I have no option but to face up to this with the support, I hope, of fellow iliasmics like you!
Pleased to meet you all, by the way. I should add that I'm British. I don't know why I said that: must be British guilt at self-disclosure.
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Post by eternaloptimism on Apr 14, 2017 5:55:38 GMT -5
Hello orangepeel (a Young Ones fan I take it  Welcome my fellow stiff upper lipper! Nice to have you on board out little boat. Sorry you are here though. You have categorically decided not to outsource or to leave? May I ask why? You do have options. Why do YOU feel you must stay... as our friend here baza says, it's a perfectly valid option if you actively choose It, but staying by default because it's too painful to make the choice will destroy your soul. Whatever choices we make we must own them. Again, welcome friend x |
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 14, 2017 6:03:58 GMT -5
Hello everyone. The name's Peel. Orange Peel. Which is about as close as I get to James Bond, because I bet he's had sex at some point in the last four and a half years. My story, as I gather from long-time lurking, is like many others: married for 22 years, at it like rabbits before and after the big day, kids arrive (lovely kids now late teens), a general slowdown, then a massive nosedive and then two years of grudging pity sex before I decided that I wasn't going to be said no to again and so stopped asking. And so sex has totally stopped. My wife doesn't seem to have noticed and barely acknowledges it when I try (admittedly Infrequently) to address the issue. She just carries on blithely while I spend about one waking minute in every six - for four and a half years! - either thinking about it or trying not to think about it. (I was going to add then 'if you know what I mean', but the beauty of this community is that I know you'll know what I mean.) So, I've done with rationalising this as it doesn't achieve anything - the writ of the mind doesn't extend to the emotions - and to keep my morale up I know this has little to do with me: women are attracted to me, thank God, otherwise I'd shrivel up into a ball of self loathing. But given that sex is now over, and given too that I won't leave my wife or have an affair (it's just not me), I have no option but to face up to this with the support, I hope, of fellow iliasmics like you! Pleased to meet you all, by the way. I should add that I'm British. I don't know why I said that: must be British guilt at self-disclosure. Welcome friend, that's a great introduction. Our stories are similar. it took years of counselling and some strong tipping points for me to understand that my marriage was dead. Not even a smoldering ember left. Hence the divorce (still in process) for the betterment (is that a word?) of the family. Knowing your location is helpful. Different cultures, and different laws, lead to different legal advice. Then if I don't hear from you all day I know, we are in different time zones. Beautiful sun rise here on the Florida coast right now! |
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Post by Copernicus on Apr 14, 2017 7:33:55 GMT -5
Hello OP
Sorry that you've ended up in this place - it sucks doesn't it (no pun intended)? However it sounds like you're mentally advanced in dealing with the crap. If you've been lurking, then you know the drill: jump in and get to know people, their stories, their survival strategies; offer advice to those who have yet to make it to the place where you are.
There are a few Brits (some expats) on here, including me.
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Post by orangepeel on Apr 14, 2017 8:40:35 GMT -5
You're all really kind: it really does mean a lot to know that you know what I'm going through - it helps with a good proportion of the loneliness. Human bonding, you know?
To answer some questions: I don't have the inclination, opportunity or nerve to stray, though if I were propositioned, I'd find it hard to say no: the only things stopping me would be fear of detection and, to be frank, massive sexual underconfidence: I was good in my time, but that was a long time ago. I think I'd remember what to do!
And yes, I love the Young Ones: it's only Rik that keeps me going!
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Post by eternaloptimism on Apr 14, 2017 9:27:04 GMT -5
You're all really kind: it really does mean a lot to know that you know what I'm going through - it helps with a good proportion of the loneliness. Human bonding, you know? To answer some questions: I don't have the inclination, opportunity or nerve to stray, though if I were propositioned, I'd find it hard to say no: the only things stopping me would be fear of detection and, to be frank, massive sexual underconfidence: I was good in my time, but that was a long time ago. I think I'd remember what to do! And yes, I love the Young Ones: it's only Rik that keeps me going! I wouldn't worry about underconfidence in the sack OP. Just like riding a bike And as a Rik fan, you could always get some pheromone spray as per Bottom lol! Confidence to do what's best for you will come in time too. So as it stands, you won't be seeking an FWB. So what is it that is making you feel you must remain married? Religion? Upbringing? Fear of feeling like you failed? (Which you haven't btw!) there are many reasons to stay. It's whether you can live the rest of your life like this that is the real question. X |
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Post by orangepeel on Apr 14, 2017 10:45:08 GMT -5
More like Rik wandering up to women and telling them what nice blouses they're wearing!
Religion does prevent me more than any single factor, apart from guilt: I would feel I'd have broken my marriage vows - the 'for worse' bit, specifically. A FWB would be the perfect solution otherwise.
But come to think of it, where do middle aged married men even look for FWBs? Of all the social groups, I'd imagine they - we - are in the least sexual demand.
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