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Post by Black Eagle on Apr 22, 2017 20:10:13 GMT -5
🦅🦅🦅🦅
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Post by dinnaken on Apr 23, 2017 16:20:32 GMT -5
Hi Black Eagle,
It sounds like you are, in large measure, reconciled to your position. I'm sure that you will find plenty of support and friendship here.
Best wishes
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Post by doneanddone on Apr 24, 2017 13:09:08 GMT -5
To cut to the chase Brother doneanddone , - - your missus at one time at least, had a pretty healthy sex drive - at one time, you were a part of that, to some limited extent But that was then, and this is now. Now, you are averaging 4 roots every 6 years, and it reads like there's nothing particularly memorable or wonderful about the quality. What does the rest of your deal look like ? Is "everything great bar the sex ?" Or, as seen in here much of the time, is your deal actually pretty dysfunctional, PLUS there is no sex ? Dysfunctional, PLUS there is no sex. |
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Post by h on Apr 25, 2017 3:15:39 GMT -5
Hello,
I am a man in my 30's and this year I will have been married for 9 years. We didn't have a slow decline into the nearly sexless marriage we have. It has been like this from the beginning. We waited for marriage and it was a huge let down for me. Our wedding night and honeymoon were depressingly uneventful. We never really even had a newlywed phase. Sex has been limited to about 10 times a year the whole time. I kept holding on to the hope that things would change but hope is fading away and reality is setting in. We have no children and likely won't since the only sex we have is at the time of the month least conducive to conception. She gets emotional and feels guilty for depriving me so I get half-hearted pity sex as long as I don't miss my monthly opportunity. I have come to realize that it's not going to get any better and this is how the rest of my life will be. Can't divorce for financial reasons so learning to live with it is all I can do. Hopefully this community will help me with that. It's nice to know I'm not alone.
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Post by baza on Apr 25, 2017 3:31:12 GMT -5
Without trying to pry into your personal business Brother h , what does this - "Can't divorce for financial reasons" - actually mean ? With say 50 years to go, you'd figure that you'd have adequate time available to repair your financial picture. Anyway, welcome to the zoo. |
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Post by h on Apr 25, 2017 3:47:53 GMT -5
Without trying to pry into your personal business Brother h , what does this - "Can't divorce for financial reasons" - actually mean ? With say 50 years to go, you'd figure that you'd have adequate time available to repair your financial picture. Anyway, welcome to the zoo. She has run up alot of credit card debt and also, our house is now barely worth what we still owe thanks to a local housing market slump. It will be another decade or two before I can dig out of this hole. By that time, what's the point of a divorce? I would still lose most of my assets thanks to biased courts and dating while broke isn't very effective for an old man. By the time I could afford to get out, there wouldn't be a reason to. |
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Post by baza on Apr 25, 2017 4:55:48 GMT -5
This is a financial suggestion, not a relationship suggestion.
If your financial position is ratshit, then continuing on in a financial partnership with a spendthrift is highly unlikely to ever improve the financial position. If there's anything available to spend (and sometimes even when there isn't) the spendthrift will spend it.
Your efforts to repair the situation will be thwarted by the irresponsible financial partner.
Now, if you were to dissolve the financial partnership on a certain day in the fairly immediate future, that day would mark the time when all assets and all debt would be apportioned out to the rightful partners and the financial partnership would be over, and you'd go your separate ways.
You, presumably on a mission to repair and consolidate your financial position.
The other former partner, to do whatever they choose with their financial future.
It would be a really good idea to consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction
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Post by h on Apr 25, 2017 6:05:04 GMT -5
Baza, there is more than just financial here. If​ I did divorce, I would end up having to move in with one of my parents. I would never have a social life then. Not really a step forward. Also, I don't hate her and she needs my health insurance. There is a history of problems. She isn't a terrible person overall. We are generally friendly but just not sexual enough to make it feel like a marriage. Sorry if I didn't give enough detail in the first post. It's complicated though, and I am really interested in finding out how to cope with what is rather than plan for something that I probably won't go through with.
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Post by Dan on Apr 25, 2017 7:47:23 GMT -5
Baza, there is more than just financial here. If​ I did divorce, I would end up having to move in with one of my parents. I would never have a social life then. Not really a step forward. Also, I don't hate her and she needs my health insurance. There is a history of problems. She isn't a terrible person overall. We are generally friendly but just not sexual enough to make it feel like a marriage. Sorry if I didn't give enough detail in the first post. It's complicated though, and I am really interested in finding out how to cope with what is rather than plan for something that I probably won't go through with. We all know: there are always complications. Emotional, finance, health, age, kids, expectations of friends and extended family. We know. But -- please trust us on this -- 90% of those limitations are IN YOUR HEAD... not actually imposed on you by the world. Consider: you are kid free. And in the end, anyone else's expectations don't matter. And "too old in 10 years"  ? WTF! I'm in my young-fifties. In ten years you'll be in your young-forties... I'd KILL to divorce now, then wind the clock back to my early forties! What a GREAT place to start over! Seriously. PLEASE rethink that. Tell me: if moving in with your parents means "that takes me out of the dating pool" -- well, f*ck it -- you're not in the dating pool now! So what's the diff? Plus... you can still go out, meet people, socialize. Meet a woman. Then: need a place to hookup? Be honest with her that you are "down on your financial luck" at this time, can't bring her back to your place, offer to get a room for a night. Problem solved! REALLY don't want to be in your thirties and living with your parents? Find a two bedroom appt, and get a roommate! After all... isn't that what you have now? What's the diff? (If your wife is working and is paying for half your rent now... then you can BOTH afford to bunk with someone else. If you are paying ALL the rent now... then, tell me again, why don't you think you can afford a place on your own?) I'm with baza : SERIOUSLY find a way to address your financial problems. If that means divorce, so be it. If you REALLY can't (won't) divorce at this time, please CANCEL all joint credit cards. Only pay for true joint expenses (housing). She "needs" your insurance? OK... you are being generous by trying to make sure she doesn't lose your employer's insurance.... but you are being TOO generous if you are only staying married as a "courtesy" to her and her medical problems. Consider this: you have a friend, your age, who says "I know this girl. She isn't my type, but she has a condition and needs insurance. I'm thinking of marrying her to help her out, even though I'm sure we'll never click, emotionally and sexually." What diameter pipe would you use to hit this guy in the head with??? Or, using your words, what would your reaction be if your friend said "She isn't a terrible person; I think I'll propose to her."? |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 25, 2017 10:28:30 GMT -5
Baza, there is more than just financial here. If​ I did divorce, I would end up having to move in with one of my parents. I would never have a social life then. Not really a step forward. Also, I don't hate her and she needs my health insurance. There is a history of problems. She isn't a terrible person overall. We are generally friendly but just not sexual enough to make it feel like a marriage. Sorry if I didn't give enough detail in the first post. It's complicated though, and I am really interested in finding out how to cope with what is rather than plan for something that I probably won't go through with. I sense that there is more to the story, but you will tell us or not, it is your choice. I understand because I was also rejected on the honeymoon, and it was incredibly painful. I felt like I had been deceived and defrauded. I do have some words for the possibility of divorce if you want to read them. As for your financial situation, I can certainly understand that. I am taking a big financial hit in my divorce, but it is totally worth it. My job is very stable, and I will recover. You will recover as well. As for living with your parents, that is a temporary situation. You might need to live with them until you can afford an apartment or another house, but that is really no big deal. If they are aware of your situation, I am sure they will understand. And yes, you could have a social life. It may not look exactly like you want for a while, but you will. It is wonderful that you don't hate her. But you have only been married 9 years. I can tell you that the longer you are sexually dissatisfied, the more your feelings for her will decline. I was married for 28 years before I left, and I have a hard time having compassion for my refuser. As for her health insurance, she is an adult. If she cared for you, she would be fucking you. Since she does not care about you, there is no reason for you to be concerned with something that every adult has to provide for him/her self. How to cope. That is an interesting issue. Why don't you start a thread on the Sexless Marriage Issues Board & get some suggestions. I have some ideas. |
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idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49 
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on Apr 28, 2017 3:49:42 GMT -5
Hello,
I write from Japan, but I'm from Europe. I joined this site a little earlier, but I didn't have the courage to write. I did it on another site, but then I immediately felt guilty and ashamed, and so I backed out from there.
I'm in a SM with my Japanese spouse for 1,5 years - more than 2 if I count it from the start of my pregnancy. We are together for 6, married for 4 years with 1 child.
In short, my husband shut down right after I became pregnant and although he wants a second child, he's not interested in sex at all, saying he's not able to do it due to medication, but he still masturbates successfully many times a week (he's not hiding it at all, leaving the used tissues in the room for me to clean up). I don't say that everything is perfect except the sex, because he's a controller and that shows in other areas of the marriage too.
But I'd like to write my full story in a new thread in the SM issues board.
I'm very confused of what to do because basically everyone around me says being sexless in a marriage is completely normal and part of the culture here. There was no sign that we will end up like this. Is there anyone here from Japan? Or anyone with experience with a Japanese spouse?
I’ve already read many posts and articles here, it was very helpful. Finding this community gave me some comfort, but it's sad to see so many people with this problem.
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Post by baza on Apr 28, 2017 5:16:57 GMT -5
"because basically everyone around me says being sexless in a marriage is completely normal and part of the culture here." - you say Sister idnaThat may well be true. In western culture there are also social stigma's attached to things, like divorce as an obvious example. This is changing (at snails pace) as people stand up for themselves and break away from the herd. For you, and me, and anyone, it may come down to your willingness to break away from the herd of sheeple and exercise our individual obligation of choice. Welcome. |
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Post by seabr33z3 on Apr 28, 2017 5:21:05 GMT -5
Hello, I write from Japan, but I'm from Europe. I joined this site a little earlier, but I didn't have the courage to write. I did it on another site, but then I immediately felt guilty and ashamed, and so I backed out from there. I'm in a SM with my Japanese spouse for 1,5 years - more than 2 if I count it from the start of my pregnancy. We are together for 6, married for 4 years with 1 child. In short, my husband shut down right after I became pregnant and although he wants a second child, he's not interested in sex at all, saying he's not able to do it due to medication, but he still masturbates successfully many times a week (he's not hiding it at all, leaving the used tissues in the room for me to clean up). I don't say that everything is perfect except the sex, because he's a controller and that shows in other areas of the marriage too. But I'd like to write my full story in a new thread in the SM issues board. I'm very confused of what to do because basically everyone around me says being sexless in a marriage is completely normal and part of the culture here. There was no sign that we will end up like this. Is there anyone here from Japan? Or anyone with experience with a Japanese spouse? I’ve already read many posts and articles here, it was very helpful. Finding this community gave me some comfort, but it's sad to see so many people with this problem. Interestingly I recently read an article about this very thing. SM being very very common in Japan. www.independent.co.uk/news/world/asia/japan-couples-sexless-marriages-half-low-birth-rate-long-working-hours-family-planning-children-a7581061.html. There are many things I could say here but I will address only one right now. His controlling behaviour. I will address only one aspect of that right now. The tissues. I know from experience that you cannot control a controller or a manipulator in many ways, but in some small ways you may be able to take back a little control. This 'used tissue' scenario is not some small thing. He is perfectly able to maintain an erection and ejaculate, so the pipes are all in good working order. That is established. This might be very very difficult for you to do, but you need to STOP picking up his used tissues. Right now. As of today. Step over them. Walk round them. Grit your teeth. Steel yourself. He is lying to you in order to avoid intimacy with you. He refuses to deposit his semen inside you but expects you to clean up his mess. SMH. By doing this one thing you can regain a very tiny amount of control. You need to feel empowered only if it's a little.It's only a start, but you need to start somewhere. I doubt his pride would allow him to attend couples counselling, but there are important things to discuss. Don't be like most of us here and leave it for decades. It doesn't get better on it's own. Ever. Not especially when evident so early in a relationship. I'm sorry that I have nothing positive to offer you here. Know one thing though. You have the back of everyone here. We are walking or have walked a similar path. |
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idna
Junior Member
Posts: 49
Age Range: 31-35
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Post by idna on Apr 28, 2017 11:29:50 GMT -5
Thank you baza and seabr33z3 for your kind answers! I want to make a change in this, mostly because I can't imagine myself living like this. The tissue thing made me angry first, then it became purely degrading. I did leave it there a few times, but there's a child in the house who shows great interest even in the tiniest piece of trash... By the way, I wrote the full story here: iliasm.org/thread/2895/idna-story-japanI've got many things in my head, but just too tired to make it into clear sentences now. I will write more tomorrow. |
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Post by seabr33z3 on Apr 28, 2017 14:22:55 GMT -5
Thank you baza and seabr33z3 for your kind answers! I want to make a change in this, mostly because I can't imagine myself living like this. The tissue thing made me angry first, then it became purely degrading. I did leave it there a few times, but there's a child in the house who shows great interest even in the tiniest piece of trash... By the way, I wrote the full story here: iliasm.org/thread/2895/idna-story-japanI've got many things in my head, but just too tired to make it into clear sentences now. I will write more tomorrow. Indeed. The child in the house definitely does affect the dynamics. Shame, you could have started to leave your used Tampax in the bathroom sink. |
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? WTF! I'm in my young-fifties. In ten years you'll be in your young-forties... I'd KILL to divorce now, then wind the clock back to my early forties! What a GREAT place to start over! Seriously. PLEASE rethink that.
