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Post by rejected101 on Nov 1, 2017 4:49:12 GMT -5
Does anyone have a view on whether watching porn and jerking off as a preference to partnered sex being a form of infidelity? It may not be the conventional way to cheat on your partner but sure as hell feels like you are being cheated on! Yes, I absolutely feel that this is infidelity! This was my ex's preference. He much preferred wanking to having sex, usually. I have no problem with masturbation, at all, but I do feel that it is a form of cheating when you do it as a preference. I would sometimes wake up in the night to his vigorous self-love and reach out to touch him only for him to push me away with a noise of disgust. I would sometimes BEG him to do a masturbation moratorium, just for a couple of weeks, to see if it would improve our sex life. He point blank refused. My current partner spends about one night a week away from me and I know that he often masturbates on those nights and so do I. But he definitely prefers partnered sex and occasionally if we have to be away from each other we sometimes sext and masturbate, so it's still 'partnered' sex in a way. Nothing wrong with that. Thanks. Like you I don’t have a problem with masturbation itself but I do have a problem with the idea of being second choice. It just feels so much like you are being cheated on but what’s worse is you CAN’T object in the same way as what you could if it was a full blown affair. The ‘perception’ from any outsider would be that you can’t have a say on whether your partner jerks off at all as it’s perfectly in the rules. Imagine filing for divorce on the basis that your wife jerks off!
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Post by northstarmom on Nov 1, 2017 6:35:54 GMT -5
Jerking off isn’t cheating. Frequently jerking off while never or seldom having sex with one’s partner reflects such a disinterest in sexual or emotional intimacy with one’s partner that I’m left wondering how you can stand to be around such a selfish person. You can not change him. You could reflect on what you get out of staying with him.
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Post by hopingforachange on Nov 1, 2017 7:28:47 GMT -5
Masterbating isn't cheating, but the affects can be the same when the person chooses thier hands, toys, videos, books, ect over you. Either way something or someone else is chosen over you.
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Post by M2G on Nov 1, 2017 11:17:21 GMT -5
Does anyone have a view on whether watching porn and jerking off as a preference to partnered sex being a form of infidelity? It may not be the conventional way to cheat on your partner but sure as hell feels like you are being cheated on! I have nothing against it UNLESS and until it becomes the preference over real sex with a real partner who's being refused - even just one time - because the porn is more important to the asshole refuser than the refuser's partner. I can hardly imagine the way someone would feel, being rejected in favor of porn - certainly I would call it spousal abuse (mental) and repeating actions like that on a regular basis is going to damage the relationship, and damage the rejected partner's sense of self worth. Infidelity - I think too far a leap to call it that. Assholishness: Oh yes! Cheating - certainly is: in the sense of cheating the refused out of the intimacy and sexual contact that's so important for a solid relationship.
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Nov 2, 2017 0:26:52 GMT -5
Unfortunately Refusers seem to be quite a selfish lot. This selfishness extends to sharing their partners. They are quite prepared to let their partners go hungry but would not allow anyone else to feed them.
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truly
New Member
Posts: 3
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Post by truly on Nov 2, 2017 2:34:04 GMT -5
Jerking off isn’t cheating. Frequently jerking off while never or seldom having sex with one’s partner reflects such a disinterest in sexual or emotional intimacy with one’s partner that I’m left wondering how you can stand to be around such a selfish person. You can not change him. You could reflect on what you get out of staying with him. This hurt so much when I figured out this was happening a few years ago for a time. For my husband, I don't think it's a disinterest in intimacy, but a significant difficulty with intimacy. Almost an inability, due to stunted emotional growth/health. Easier to jerk off, than "go to the effort" of engaging in intimacy with me (eye contact, communication, vulnerability). I wonder for how many other refusers this is the case?
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Post by hopingforachange on Nov 2, 2017 6:38:31 GMT -5
Jerking off isn’t cheating. Frequently jerking off while never or seldom having sex with one’s partner reflects such a disinterest in sexual or emotional intimacy with one’s partner that I’m left wondering how you can stand to be around such a selfish person. You can not change him. You could reflect on what you get out of staying with him. This hurt so much when I figured out this was happening a few years ago for a time. For my husband, I don't think it's a disinterest in intimacy, but a significant difficulty with intimacy. Almost an inability, due to stunted emotional growth/health. Easier to jerk off, than "go to the effort" of engaging in intimacy with me (eye contact, communication, vulnerability). I wonder for how many other refusers this is the case? There are a few people in her that have the same issues. Do you think he has a pretty addiction?
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 2, 2017 7:19:34 GMT -5
Unfortunately Refusers seem to be quite a selfish lot. This selfishness extends to sharing their partners. They are quite prepared to let their partners go hungry but would not allow anyone else to feed them. Ironically, my W. selfish/control issues showed even stronger as our divorce gets closer to coming to an end. How? By literally not buying enough food for the family. When confronted ,out would come the lies, manipulation, double standards, and phony excuses. All with a sincere, calm, matter of fact, I am correct demeanor. Meanwhile her and her daddy eat out daily, and she uses his money. She gets quite upset when he asks the other teens to go to the grocery store and buy more food with his money.
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 2, 2017 7:54:22 GMT -5
Unfortunately Refusers seem to be quite a selfish lot. This selfishness extends to sharing their partners. They are quite prepared to let their partners go hungry but would not allow anyone else to feed them. There probably isn't enough evidence to prove a theory either way, but enough posters have said it, so I am wondering if there is something there. Is the selfishness selective and is it deliberate or unintentional? Is control always a factor and is it a general personality trait or more limited to this area in the relationship? I have read a # of posts and replies where the non-sexual spouse is generous to a fault when it comes to other people or causes. Yet when it comes to intimacy, especially the sex act, the non-sexual spouse would rather put the marriage at risk, and in my case choose divorce, rather than allow or condone what would seem to be the most obvious and simply solution, outsourcing for their still sexual partner. Why do they empathize with strangers or causes but not with someone they supposedly care about? I cannot put a definitive answer to it.
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Post by hopingforachange on Nov 2, 2017 8:05:21 GMT -5
Because if the Refuser allows outsourcing, they quickly lose the one thing they know they can use too control us. If we can go and get sex from someone else, what would stop us from leaving them?
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Post by worksforme2 on Nov 2, 2017 8:13:50 GMT -5
Because if the Refuser allows outsourcing, they quickly lose the one thing they know they can use too control us. If we can go and get sex from someone else, what would stop us from leaving them? Any # of things determine our decision on leaving. When I proposed a fwb for myself as a solution it was with the assurance to her that I would end any relationship should I begin to fall in love. AT the time I was still in love with my X. I wanted to stay in the marriage. But it was a deal breaker for her. And that is my real query. Why is it primarily a big deal for them when they seem to care so little for sex for themselves?
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 2, 2017 8:30:31 GMT -5
Unfortunately Refusers seem to be quite a selfish lot. This selfishness extends to sharing their partners. They are quite prepared to let their partners go hungry but would not allow anyone else to feed them. There probably isn't enough evidence to prove a theory either way, but enough posters have said it, so I am wondering if there is something there. Is the selfishness selective and is it deliberate or unintentional? Is control always a factor and is it a general personality trait or more limited to this area in the relationship? I have read a # of posts and replies where the non-sexual spouse is generous to a fault when it comes to other people or causes. Yet when it comes to intimacy, especially the sex act, the non-sexual spouse would rather put the marriage at risk, and in my case choose divorce, rather than allow or condone what would seem to be the most obvious and simply solution, outsourcing for their still sexual partner. Why do they empathize with strangers or causes but not with someone they supposedly care about? I cannot put a definitive answer to it. A definite answer? -those are hard to find when covering such a large variety of circumstance, but I can testify to what I read in the book "Say Goodbye to Crazy" (Chapter 23 Identifying and Using Crazy's Fears to Protect Yourself) and my own testimony, that it still comes down to control. Control is their way of hiding deeper problems of : 1) The fear of abandonment. 2) The fear of loss of control. 3)The fear of feeling or appearing inferior or inadequate. 4) The fear of loss of resources. 5) The fear of exposure. There are 3 fundamental skills you will need to master in order to set yourself free from such a toxic situation. The 3 D's are: Detach - Expect the Crazy, but don't be AFFECTED by the Crazy. Disengage - Expect the Crazy but don't be DIRECTED by the Crazy. Defend - Expect the Crazy but don't ACCEPT the crazy behavior. The more I read helpful information like this, the more i understand how a manipulative controller can and does seem to 'get along' with others. Those relationships are more surface/work related only, and don't get as close to exposing their fears. Quite different in a successful marriage where all your cards remain on the table, even as they change from year to year.
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Post by aguywithneeds on Nov 2, 2017 8:42:57 GMT -5
So masturbation is bad, porn is evil, when it comes to men. Frequent masturbation leads to pre ejaculation and ED, porn also twists men's perception of sex. As a man I do look at what you'd call soft porn, and I don't masturbate to completion but once a week or every other week, and I never masturbate to porn. So words to the wise guys lay off the frivolous masturbation,and ladies if your guy is spending too much time on the computer then you probably have a issue. Masturbation is not cheating unless it's replacing sex, even then it's kind of a stretch, at least you know they like some kind of sex, it's just now opening up a dialogue with them to include yourself into their masturbation, wether it be watching, being a extra hand or more, eventually you could probably work into actually having sex. But either way, excessive masturbation takes a toll on a man's body, not only will it cause the things I listed above it also lowers testosterone levels, kills libido, also the increased levels of dopamine in your brain make you pretty useless as a functional person. Guys give it a try, 7 days no masturbation, if you're watching hardcore porn stop, just 7 days, I do a lot of edging, just naked women and erotica, try it. Porn is the 21 centuries great plague.
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 2, 2017 8:54:27 GMT -5
So masturbation is bad, porn is evil, when it comes to men. Frequent masturbation leads to pre ejaculation and ED, porn also twists men's perception of sex. As a man I do look at what you'd call soft porn, and I don't masturbate to completion but once a week or every other week, and I never masturbate to porn. So words to the wise guys lay off the frivolous masturbation,and ladies if your guy is spending too much time on the computer then you probably have a issue. Masturbation is not cheating unless it's replacing sex, even then it's kind of a stretch, at least you know they like some kind of sex, it's just now opening up a dialogue with them to include yourself into their masturbation, wether it be watching, being a extra hand or more, eventually you could probably work into actually having sex. But either way, excessive masturbation takes a toll on a man's body, not only will it cause the things I listed above it also lowers testosterone levels, kills libido, also the increased levels of dopamine in your brain make you pretty useless as a functional person. Guys give it a try, 7 days no masturbation, if you're watching hardcore porn stop, just 7 days, I do a lot of edging, just naked women and erotica, try it. Porn is the 21 centuries great plague. Please list your source. When I google " masturbation is good for men's health" I easily get (10 pages, 10 articles per page) 100 articles stating that daily masturbation is good for a mans health.
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Post by hopingforachange on Nov 2, 2017 9:24:37 GMT -5
So masturbation is bad, porn is evil, when it comes to men. Frequent masturbation leads to pre ejaculation and ED, porn also twists men's perception of sex. As a man I do look at what you'd call soft porn, and I don't masturbate to completion but once a week or every other week, and I never masturbate to porn. So words to the wise guys lay off the frivolous masturbation,and ladies if your guy is spending too much time on the computer then you probably have a issue. Masturbation is not cheating unless it's replacing sex, even then it's kind of a stretch, at least you know they like some kind of sex, it's just now opening up a dialogue with them to include yourself into their masturbation, wether it be watching, being a extra hand or more, eventually you could probably work into actually having sex. But either way, excessive masturbation takes a toll on a man's body, not only will it cause the things I listed above it also lowers testosterone levels, kills libido, also the increased levels of dopamine in your brain make you pretty useless as a functional person. Guys give it a try, 7 days no masturbation, if you're watching hardcore porn stop, just 7 days, I do a lot of edging, just naked women and erotica, try it. Porn is the 21 centuries great plague. Frequent masterbation keeps me a functional individual, at least once daily. I can masterbate 4 times a day and still have the intimacy and sex drive for my W, but it does remove the drive for the release itself. If I go without any type of sexual release for a week, having sex becomes all I think about and my drive. Honestly, it makes me a crappy H, because that's why I do everything. You can ask my W I don't suffer from ED, PE, ect, hell if I've had a release close to when we have sex, I can last even longer. I will agree that for some people frequent porn useage causes issues with sexual response and intimacy.
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