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Post by Handy on Jul 9, 2021 13:32:46 GMT -5
DD, when you do actually wind up in a counseling session, be honest about how you feel and see things. I made the mistake of trying to avoid conflicts so I played too nice in counseling sessions and nothing got resolved.
Also welcome back and keep posting.
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dd
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Age Range: 41-45
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Post by dd on Jul 9, 2021 13:35:50 GMT -5
Hi all. I really don't want to be dealing with the same thing a year later. That would be insane. dd,...you do realize you started this thread 3 and1/2 yrs. ago, right? Yes. Call it progress in some form or another. You could say some things haven't changed, but my mind has changed. I've done from denial and frustration. To realizing it's a problem. To deciding to take control of my own life. To creating a plan to move on. To start to take those initial steps. Sometimes more goes into the planning than working the plan itself. |
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dd
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Age Range: 41-45
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Post by dd on Jul 9, 2021 13:37:48 GMT -5
DD, when you do actually wind up in a counseling session, be honest about how you feel and see things. I made the mistake of trying to avoid conflicts so I played too nice in counseling sessions and nothing got resolved.
Also welcome back and keep posting.
I fully intended to give a full download of the issues and be brutally honest about it and I think I can do it without "blaming" anyone. In the last year or so I've discovered I am a good enough person to deserve to be happy, and I need to invest love in people who love me back. Not just serve people who want things done. |
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Post by Handy on Jul 9, 2021 16:29:06 GMT -5
DD I've discovered I am a good enough person to deserve to be happy, and I need to invest love in people who love me back. Not just serve people who want things done. DD, I can finally say the same line about myself. I used to think I had to do things for people to gain their respect and appreciation. No more. I have a lifetime and a career filled with doing at least something for others and mostly getting money in return You are learning this 25 to 30 (age wise) years before I did. WTG! |
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Post by baza on Jul 9, 2021 20:37:39 GMT -5
From the outside looking in Brother dd , there does not seem to be any material difference between your December 18th 2017 story and this updated post of today. But we all do things in our own way and at our own pace. You mention above that you've had a shift in your thinking - quoting you here - "I've done from denial and frustration.
To realizing it's a problem.
To deciding to take control of my own life.
To creating a plan to move on".Have you seen a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would theoretically shake out for you ? Have you constructed an exit strategy and got it in to do-able shape ? Have you shored up your support network to help you through the process ? Have you researched everything you can to help shepherd any minor children through such an event ? In other words, have you - over the past 2+ years - constructed an alternative to staying in your ILIASM shithole ? With an alternative in your pocket, you might choose to enact that alternative. Without an alternative, your deal is likely to just float on for a further period of time and it'll be 2023 before you know it. Time is not your friend in these situations. |
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dd
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Age Range: 41-45
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Post by dd on Jul 10, 2021 8:16:26 GMT -5
From the outside looking in Brother dd , there does not seem to be any material difference between your December 18th 2017 story and this updated post of today. But we all do things in our own way and at our own pace. You mention above that you've had a shift in your thinking - quoting you here - "I've done from denial and frustration.
To realizing it's a problem.
To deciding to take control of my own life.
To creating a plan to move on".Have you seen a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would theoretically shake out for you ? Have you constructed an exit strategy and got it in to do-able shape ? Have you shored up your support network to help you through the process ? Have you researched everything you can to help shepherd any minor children through such an event ? In other words, have you - over the past 2+ years - constructed an alternative to staying in your ILIASM shithole ? With an alternative in your pocket, you might choose to enact that alternative. Without an alternative, your deal is likely to just float on for a further period of time and it'll be 2023 before you know it. Time is not your friend in these situations. Emotionally I'm further a long. Exit plan is more workable now and with kids getting older, that step gets easier each day. In the last year I made some major financial moves to make me more fluid / able to move on the plan. |
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Post by shamwow on Jul 10, 2021 8:58:17 GMT -5
From the outside looking in Brother dd , there does not seem to be any material difference between your December 18th 2017 story and this updated post of today. But we all do things in our own way and at our own pace. You mention above that you've had a shift in your thinking - quoting you here - "I've done from denial and frustration.
To realizing it's a problem.
To deciding to take control of my own life.
To creating a plan to move on".Have you seen a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would theoretically shake out for you ? Have you constructed an exit strategy and got it in to do-able shape ? Have you shored up your support network to help you through the process ? Have you researched everything you can to help shepherd any minor children through such an event ? In other words, have you - over the past 2+ years - constructed an alternative to staying in your ILIASM shithole ? With an alternative in your pocket, you might choose to enact that alternative. Without an alternative, your deal is likely to just float on for a further period of time and it'll be 2023 before you know it. Time is not your friend in these situations. Emotionally I'm further a long. Exit plan is more workable now and with kids getting older, that step gets easier each day. In the last year I made some major financial moves to make me more fluid / able to move on the plan. What is your plan's timetable? And more importantly, what does your attorney think of it? It's kind of strange to read your original post on the forum, not too distant in time from my own. I hear the same anger, frustration and hurt in your words now as you (and I) had back then. The sexless nature of your marriage has clearly mestastized into mutual disgust and loathing. What exactly are your goals for counseling? Are you trying to repair the marriage? Get a third party to point out that you are right and she is wrong? Get a "blessing" from a neutral party that things are over? Your post is unclear on your goals. But as baza observed, without action, time does pass by quite quickly. Figure out what you want, how to do it, and do it. My divorce finalized 4 years ago this coming Monday (see my T-minus thread for more info). Getting away from that toxic environment has been the best thing that ever happened to me. Figure out what you want and make it happen. |
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Post by jerri on Jul 10, 2021 12:41:08 GMT -5
What about her the talk of polyamory and you getting "xyz needs met elsewhere"?
Did you take a dip into that world? I could learn from you!
We have a lot of great experts on leaving here...I am not one of them and mostly don't comment on leaving threads.
Welcome back, love seeing members come back!
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dd
Junior Member
Posts: 50
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by dd on Jul 13, 2021 8:52:48 GMT -5
Emotionally I'm further a long. Exit plan is more workable now and with kids getting older, that step gets easier each day. In the last year I made some major financial moves to make me more fluid / able to move on the plan. What is your plan's timetable? And more importantly, what does your attorney think of it? It's kind of strange to read your original post on the forum, not too distant in time from my own. I hear the same anger, frustration and hurt in your words now as you (and I) had back then. The sexless nature of your marriage has clearly mestastized into mutual disgust and loathing. What exactly are your goals for counseling? Are you trying to repair the marriage? Get a third party to point out that you are right and she is wrong? Get a "blessing" from a neutral party that things are over? Your post is unclear on your goals. But as baza observed, without action, time does pass by quite quickly. Figure out what you want, how to do it, and do it. My divorce finalized 4 years ago this coming Monday (see my T-minus thread for more info). Getting away from that toxic environment has been the best thing that ever happened to me. Figure out what you want and make it happen. I need to figure out what I want. I think I have a couple options here, but that's hopefully what the counseling will help me decide. There are a lot of options. Stay as is. Stay with things better. Stay with other options. Divorce immediately. Timeline to divorce later. Etc. Stay as is it obviously the least desirable. |
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dd
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Posts: 50
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by dd on Jul 13, 2021 9:00:27 GMT -5
What about her the talk of polyamory and you getting "xyz needs met elsewhere"? Did you take a dip into that world? I could learn from you! We have a lot of great experts on leaving here...I am not one of them and mostly don't comment on leaving threads. Welcome back, love seeing members come back! In the past I cared more about the fact that I figured she would regret this decision. At this point, the amount I care about how she feels about potential regret is greatly reduced. So I guess I didn't see it as a plausible option. I think I'm better prepared to push that option but I don't see how she would really embrace that. She essentially knows where I am at all times, so the idea that when I'm leaving the house for a random "Home Depot Run" to go on a date with someone else, I don't know what world she would really embrace that without ending up a large amount of resentment anyway. It would bring a question around the rules of it. Anyone okay? When / where okay? It can't take away from "family" life spent with kids. Etc. I've been largely in a controlling relationship where if I was shopping too long for groceries when the kids were little she'd wonder what took so long and why she had to single parent for hours. |
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Post by saarinista on Jul 13, 2021 10:22:56 GMT -5
A controlling relationship like that of which you speak is more like a parent child thing than a marriage.
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Post by alwaysdenied on Jul 13, 2021 15:36:28 GMT -5
I feel you DD. Many people (including people responding here) don't get trying to do the right thing to live with yourself. Sure there's a code of marriage and one side isn't being honored and yes it's acceptable grounds for divorce. However having grown up in a home where my parents blew up their marriage and had mini feuds, I'm not inclined to do that to my family. Does that mean I'll not have sex for 3 more years? probably yes. If there weren't kids involved and hadn't been such a hands on dad who did all the hard parts of parenting while the wife just refused to help, then maybe I could just light the fuse and walk away. I'm the stable one in their lives. To some this is stupid and many say what kind of example are you showing your kids etc... I'm showing them that if you make a commitment to someone then keep it. I made one to my kids the days they were born and intend to keep the family together until they graduate. I don't say this is the best or superior, it's just what I feel is what I can live with. So I'm working my own plan.
There is a lot of deprogramming you have to do mentally. There are certain things that you have to see in order to see even worse things that are going on in your marriage. Certain things you have to realize about your choice of partner to marry. Some of that is coming to terms with the fact that you overlooked a ton of obvious things that should have been red flags in order to get to where you are today. I'm not interested in sleeping around on her. I'm more interested in finding someone who has affection for me and I know that I can't multi task that sort of thing. We have the whole life 360 thing due to having driving kids and I'm sure she looks at it when I'm gone to check in on me. I don't really care. Lately I've been going fishing and kayaking or hiking for most of a Saturday. She's always welcome to come but of course doesn't and I enjoy quiet time without her diarrhea mouth blathering about every single thing that pops into her head. I'm starting to do many more things alone which of course is on my 3 year evacuation plan. Just get to a point where nothing she says or asks phases you. It doesn't matter. If she wants to take off, don't stop her. I know I'm not stopping mine.
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Post by Handy on Jul 13, 2021 19:04:43 GMT -5
Alwaysdenied
She's always welcome to come but of course doesn't and I enjoy quiet time without her diarrhea mouth blathering about every single thing that pops into her head.
Alwaysdenied, maybe your W and my W are twins in the "without her diarrhea mouth blathering about every single thing that pops into her head."
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Post by mirrororchid on Jul 13, 2021 20:17:27 GMT -5
... I don't see how she would really embrace that....I don't know what world she would really embrace that ...without ending up a large amount of resentment anyway. It would bring a question around the rules of it. Anyone okay? When / where okay? It can't take away from "family" life spent with kids. Etc. I've been largely in a controlling relationship where if I was shopping too long for groceries when the kids were little she'd wonder what took so long and why she had to single parent for hours. If she wants to make rules, she's tacitly embracing it. Neither Jerri or I was offering to accept input from our sexless spouses. Our affair partners were not wanted. Intimacy was. Our spouses had the option of providing it or handing off the activity to an assistant. Jerri's handed it off. My wife stepped up instead. Our spouses unilaterally imposed celibacy. Jerri and I unilaterally broke it. (or planned to, in my case.) You didn't embrace a celibate marriage. You didn't get to make rules. Input was not sought. Objections were not acknowledged nor accommodated. Your turn. You get to change the rules of your marriage for a while. She can do what she must. (heeding Baza's advice of having legal matters anticipated and preparation undertaken) You want intimacy from your wife, not a FWB. That remains an option completely available to Mrs. Dd. Will she take it? |
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Post by jerri on Jul 14, 2021 9:09:28 GMT -5
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^Yes!! This^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^I agree with mirrororchid ! My husband had 12 years of sexless marriage and I don't mean 10x a year which would have been torture for me but i would have welcomed sex one a monthish for the year!! I figured the last decade was of his choosing and the next ones were of my choosing and I would go get sex elsewhere. It was empowering and scary at the same time.
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