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Post by bertie1471 on Jan 22, 2018 18:12:29 GMT -5
Been reading about this in the thread. Must admit my wife would be different I think.
I remember a year or so ago her saying she didn't mind if I went elsewhere for it. As long as it was just sex and nothing else and she still had me. At the time, she pretty much meant prostitutes....
At the time, the idea was a bit far out for me. Just seemed way too weird. Further on down the line it does sound appealing.
My dear wife is a very practical sort. Not the jealous type at all - I can see how shes thinking this. Go elsewhere, shes not keen anyway, everyones happy. But still I'm not sure if it a bridge I want to cross. Could complicate things in our relationship....
I had a mate. Used to go about how he and the mrs were swingers. Cracking sex life etc, quite like watching people do his Mrs. Started off they did it together and had rules, then she was seeing the blokes behind his back. Went downhill from there - ended up getting divorced. What seemed like a good idea at the time ended up very badly....
So anyone ever got the go ahead from a non-jealous partner? How'd it work out?
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Post by bballgirl on Jan 22, 2018 18:57:23 GMT -5
I believe in being discreet. She said you can but I do not believe in telling them when or where. It serves no purpose and she may not be the jealous type but she may feel threatened or hurt.
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Post by bertie1471 on Jan 22, 2018 19:26:28 GMT -5
I believe in being discreet. She said you can but I do not believe in telling them when or where. It serves no purpose and she may not be the jealous type but she may feel threatened or hurt. Yeh It would be really weird to say "just popping out for a fuck" see you later. Still not sure though if its a goer....
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Post by bertie1471 on Jan 22, 2018 19:27:39 GMT -5
Besides which I wouldnt know where to start to look for something like a prostitute. Know nothing about. Is it legal? Safe? etc
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Post by baza on Jan 22, 2018 19:31:02 GMT -5
The cheating option is a perfectly valid choice to make. Every bit as legitimate as staying or leaving.
However, the cheating option, bringing a 3rd party into an already dysfunctional situation, can and often does spin things off at some unpredictable tangents, many of which result in the collapse of the primary relationship anyway (the very thing you are presumably trying to avoid)
It is not an option to have a crack at half arsed or ill prepared. There are a HUGE number of things that can go wrong and a hell of a lot of them you can't predict or minimise the risk of.
You are really best served to do all the prep work (legal advice, exit strategy, support network, how to help kids if any through the process) just as if you were going to divorce. This is a deadly serious option you are considering. It is imperative that you do your due diligence before you even think about undertaking it.
Of the three options, this one is the most highly adventurous and complex - and the most likely one to result in a monumental fuck up.
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Post by obobfla on Jan 22, 2018 19:31:56 GMT -5
Well, she gave you permission, bertie1471. Mine never did. But I will echo bballgirl and say be discreet. I will also add another piece of advise - be careful. You mentioned prostitutes. There are a lot of arguments good and bad for the professionals. But outside of health and legal concerns, here is my biggest problem with them: you are not a lover, but a customer. Some are very good at what they do. Some are wonderful actresses. And most are discreet. But it is not the same as a woman who finds you attractive for who you are. I need that acknowledgement even more than I need an orgasm.
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Post by hopingforachange on Jan 22, 2018 19:53:05 GMT -5
I would argue, for me, a professional would not satisfy my bed to feel desired. While I haven't outsourced, I would think a FWB setup with clear rules to prevent the relationship rental bonding would work. But no matter what you do, painting outside the lines comes with risks.
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Post by Apocrypha on Jan 23, 2018 3:03:26 GMT -5
I had a mate. Used to go about how he and the mrs were swingers. Cracking sex life etc, quite like watching people do his Mrs. Started off they did it together and had rules, then she was seeing the blokes behind his back. Went downhill from there - ended up getting divorced. What seemed like a good idea at the time ended up very badly.... So anyone ever got the go ahead from a non-jealous partner? How'd it work out? Ya, gave that a shot in various iterations across several years. It didn't solve the problem that the home in which I lived was fraught because one partner was sexually averse to the other. On her side of it, it enabled her the the fantasy of being not married - which was her true desire. Thus, the way she proceeded to engage in the activities was to do so in a way that would maximize harm and be predictably cruel - as if trying to prove a point to herself or to me. While it was posed as a solution, it simply became another tool with which to demonstrate her contempt within the most intimate context of all. She posed herself as non-jealous and even insisted on dates, while then going absolutely berserk and abusive afterwards, or being "cool" for a period of weeks afterwards. Couples who dig each other's sexuality and who can abstract it to the point of getting turned on by their partner's enjoyment of someone else do really well. That's not generally the case around here. Those couples have a period of false happiness before it turns into a shit show.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 23, 2018 7:23:50 GMT -5
“I would think a FWB setup with clear rules to prevent the relationship rental bonding would work.”
Rules and boundaries don’t prevent people from falling in love. You also may think you can control your feelings but if you become sexual with a person who likes you and relishes your touch, you may clearly realize the lack of your spouse’s love. And you may bond with the person who cares enough to be sexual with you.
You also can’t control your affair partner’s feelings and that can spin things off to a disastrous effect on your marriage and all of your relationships .
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Post by Deleted on Jan 23, 2018 7:51:00 GMT -5
The idea of going to a prostitute, to me, is the clearest proof that what I need is to feel desired rather than just have sex.
It would feel insulting to me to think that the only way I could get sex is to pay for it. I would rather go without.
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Post by james on Jan 23, 2018 8:14:33 GMT -5
I can imagine that there are people on this site who have no intention of leaving their partners, because, in essence, they have computed that the benefits of leaving do not exceed the benefits of staying, even though the marriage is sexless. In that scenario, if the partner was as bertie1471 describes, practical, non-jealous, also saw the benefits of the marriage, wanted to stay, but was prepared to acknowledge to the partner that he could outsource as long as he was discreet about it AND was careful to pick partners who wanted NSA/FWB-type arrangements- then I really cannot see anything wrong with that. It seems perfectly fair to me. Should have a low probability of blowing up and keeps everyone happy. As has been amply described elsewhere, though, this description of the sexless partner does *not* seem to fit with the descriptions of refusing partners on this site. That's the problem, I think.
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 23, 2018 9:08:04 GMT -5
“AND was careful to pick partners who wanted NSA/FWB-type arrangements- then I really cannot see anything wrong with that.”
How do you know your partner really wants just a fwb? The refused are not good at picking partners who match their needs. People’s motivations and emotions also change. One of my friends was in a fwb with a married man. He didn’t know she loved him. They had different social circles but somehow ended up at the same event. My friend got drunk and verbally attacked his wife in an ugly scene.,..
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Post by lwoetin on Jan 23, 2018 15:22:08 GMT -5
My wife's co-worker would go to places for sex with wife's permission. She however can go shopping and buy what she wants.
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Post by bertie1471 on Jan 23, 2018 19:06:26 GMT -5
I believe in being discreet. She said you can but I do not believe in telling them when or where. It serves no purpose and she may not be the jealous type but she may feel threatened or hurt. Not a bad idea if it ever comes to that. Get permission but then never ever mention it again - just do it. Sounds a bit more palatable at least.
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Post by bertie1471 on Jan 23, 2018 19:07:25 GMT -5
“I would think a FWB setup with clear rules to prevent the relationship rental bonding would work.” Rules and boundaries don’t prevent people from falling in love. You also may think you can control your feelings but if you become sexual with a person who likes you and relishes your touch, you may clearly realize the lack of your spouse’s love. And you may bond with the person who cares enough to be sexual with you. You also can’t control your affair partner’s feelings and that can spin things off to a disastrous effect on your marriage and all of your relationships . I dont think affair would be the right way to go for the reasons you mention.
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