|
|
Post by baza on May 19, 2017 1:08:29 GMT -5
Hi there, my name is lifeinwoodinville. Some of you may remember me from EP. Apparently I signed up for an account here just after EP went down but somehow I don't remember doing that. Anyhow, I figured that I should make a few posts on here and catch up with some old friends. First, and I guess most importantly, I am still in my sexless marriage. It's been roughly three years since my wife and I have had sex. My daughter turns seven tomorrow, since she was born my wife and I have had sex five times, all of it was duty sex on her part. It's now been about three and a half years since I moved into my own room. There is no physical part of the relationship left at all, we are for all intents and purposes, roommates. Although we still file our tax returns jointly. I would fall under the category of "staying for the kids". I am fully aware of the pros and cons of doing that. I have been seeing a psychologist for just over a year now. This is my third psychologist and the one I like the most. She has been encouraging me to do things for myself, to build my sense of self worth and self esteem back up and to kind of make my wife realize what it's like not having me around. To accomplish that I now volunteer for a local charity organization that is important to me. I guess I should mention that I have been involved in two online affairs. The first lasted just two months, the second just over two years and just recently came to an end. I found both to be very exciting and stressful at the same time. I have no advice for people thinking of getting involved in an online affair. I had some amazing times with my AP but along with the extreme highs come extreme lows, just like any relationship. I did actually meet my AP in person, which was a bit of a logistical challenge seeing as how she lives over 7000 miles away. I'll save that story for another post. Anyhow, that's my story. LIW I am moved to quote a song from the 70's on seeing your name again Brother lifeinwoodinvilleWelcome back, Your dreams were your ticket out. Welcome back, To that same old place that you laughed about. Well the names have all changed since you hung around, But those dreams have remained and they're turned around. Who'd have thought they'd lead ya (Who'd have thought they'd lead ya) Back here where we need ya (Back here where we need ya) Yeah we tease him a lot cause we've got him on the spot, welcome back, Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back. Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back. source: www.lyricsondemand.com/tvthemes/welcomebackkotterlyrics.html |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 19, 2017 11:24:45 GMT -5
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 19, 2017 14:36:59 GMT -5
I have been in an absolutely SM for about 6 years. Borderline SM for a couple years prior to that. My mother was murdered when I was 11. My sister and I discovered the body. It was horrific. I often compare my SM with my childhood trauma. The intensity of the pain is similar, but I was able to eventually heal from the first experience. There is no healing in an SM when each day is a new day of feeling undesirable while my needs/desires are ignored and avoided. Oh, but I'm not avoided when it comes to the routine household BS. Everything's fine on the surface, But if I ever try to have the "talk" I am treated like some kind of monster. Therapy has been refused by the refuser multiple times. Threats of divorce had no noticeable effect. Back to age 11: Hope really kept me going. I had plans of a better life. And I achieved them all. Got that college degree, a good job, a house, wife and 2 kids. The beginning of my marriage was the happiest time of my life by far. The relationship was great. The sex was great. Now after 6+ years of a SM there is little hope, save the hope that my youngest turns 18 in 8 years and then I can leave. That is a really impressive comparison. Unfortunately, many refusers do not consider the threat of divorce a real issue. My refuser certainly did not. I moved out once, she begged me to come back, but when I did, she went back to her old ways in 6 weeks. A few years later I filed for divorce, she begged me to not divorce her, and when I dismissed it, she went back to her old ways in about the same length of time. By 2010, the sex was only about every 6-8 weeks, and then she had a hysterectomy. All sexual activity stopped. If I asked, she would insult me by saying that my penis didn't work. I stayed another 9 yrs until my youngest got out of HS & went to college. I brought it up again & she insulted me even more, so I moved out. She begged me to go to counseling & I did. However, it was apparent that she would not make any changes or take any responsibility. I have filed for divorce. Good luck to you in your journey. |
|
mas
New Member
Posts: 5 
|
Post by mas on May 23, 2017 11:21:41 GMT -5
Hello everyone, I'm here because of what we all have in common. All of our stories may not be the same but I'm hopeful I will find some support and do the same for all of you after reading some of your threads here.
My story is quite complicated and long but I'll find the courage soon to start a thread and share it with all of you. : )
Mas from LA, CA
|
|
|
|
Post by h on May 23, 2017 11:48:10 GMT -5
Welcome, and I hope that you find what you need here.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 23, 2017 12:03:29 GMT -5
Welcome and I am glad you found this place.
|
|
|
|
Post by dinnaken on May 23, 2017 13:13:46 GMT -5
Welcome Mas
|
|
|
|
Post by nolongerlonely on May 24, 2017 1:15:00 GMT -5
welcome too. You'll find great advice and support here
|
|
|
|
Post by jonsnow on May 24, 2017 2:39:26 GMT -5
Hello.. I discovered this site by accident and lurked for a few weeks, but now feel ready to engage.
I am in a SM for a year and a half, married two and a half years, with her for three.
I am 51 and she is 44. We met at work two years after my first wife of 19 years died of cancer. She lost her first husband of 7 years at 28 (pulmonary embolism) and we immediately connected over shared tragedy.
She was extremely passionate for the first year and a half, but everything went cold overnight and I didn't know why. It's driving me crazy. Lots of sleepless nights.
I love her and I think she loves me, but I didn't know how much longer I can do this.
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on May 24, 2017 9:09:46 GMT -5
Hello.. I discovered this site by accident and lurked for a few weeks, but now feel ready to engage. I am in a SM for a year and a half, married two and a half years, with her for three. I am 51 and she is 44. We met at work two years after my first wife of 19 years died of cancer. She lost her first husband of 7 years at 28 (pulmonary embolism) and we immediately connected over shared tragedy. She was extremely passionate for the first year and a half, but everything went cold overnight and I didn't know why. It's driving me crazy. Lots of sleepless nights. I love her and I think she loves me, but I didn't know how much longer I can do this. Welcome and I hope you can find some support and understanding here. |
|
|
|
Post by unmatched on May 24, 2017 18:41:03 GMT -5
Hello.. I discovered this site by accident and lurked for a few weeks, but now feel ready to engage. I am in a SM for a year and a half, married two and a half years, with her for three. I am 51 and she is 44. We met at work two years after my first wife of 19 years died of cancer. She lost her first husband of 7 years at 28 (pulmonary embolism) and we immediately connected over shared tragedy. She was extremely passionate for the first year and a half, but everything went cold overnight and I didn't know why. It's driving me crazy. Lots of sleepless nights. I love her and I think she loves me, but I didn't know how much longer I can do this. Winter really did come  |
|
|
|
Post by baza on May 25, 2017 2:38:24 GMT -5
Limited info Brother jonsnow But based entirely on what you have written, here's a theory. The two of you were working your respective ways through the stages of grief. You have both progressed healthily through that process at your own pace. Maybe she is further on through the process than you. Maybe you two filled a need for each other at the time, and now, you don't. Maybe she is shit frightened of levelling with you, and is instead communicating by action rather than word. |
|
|
|
Post by lyn on May 25, 2017 9:18:25 GMT -5
Welcome jonsnow to this crazy, wonderful group. I hope you can find some solace here, amongst people who understand your situational too well. I am also very sorry for your loss of your first wife. Now, with your second marriage being still quite new, I'm wondering if you've had a direct, up-front conversation with your wife about the sexlessness. Are you still emotionally intimate at all? My advice to you, at this relatively early spot in your marriage is to leave no stone unturned. 1) Have a difficult, direct conversation asking her why she isn't interested in sex with you. 2) If, after the first question is answered with an actual plausible reason (sorry but I've rarely heard a reason that *seems* reasonable in this context) try marriage counseling. 3). If it turns out her reason is something like, "I don't know why, I just don't feel like it and I'm fine with it", or, "You did this, this, and this. Now I don't want to have sex with you". Start considering your options. -- Stay -- Leave -- Outsource your needs (complex, far easier said than done) In any case, keep reading and posting here. To share this story is cathartic and I hope the member's comments (like mine) can bring a fresh perspective to your situation. |
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on May 25, 2017 10:00:49 GMT -5
Welcome! jonsnow, sorry for what you have endured and what you are going through. I mostly agree about the "why" chasing. That it's not important. However there is a lot to learn from the why, so you can protect yourself from further damage. Here's a link for you. It may be helpful, it may answer a few things, or you can cross some things of your list. There are also about 150 other posts, and videos that you can find helpful in your journey. shrink4men.com/2017/04/11/love-bombing-is-a-red-flag/ |
|
|
|
Post by GeekGoddess on May 25, 2017 12:01:27 GMT -5
Welcome to the group no one ever wanted to qualify for. I hope you'll find support here.
I got all of my mentally healthy education around SM from this forum & its predecessor on EP. I've grown huge amounts in the past 2 years & my life is so much better now than when I was swirling the drain in the misery & despair of what my marriage had become.
I'll look forward to reading your story.
|
|
