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Post by vabeamergirl on Mar 5, 2018 9:11:10 GMT -5
I really need some help. I feel like the last part of my marriage that was good is now gone. We didn't have sex alot maybe once a month for the last 4 years or so. We have a daughter together who is almost 5.
He also has kids from his first marriage and so do I. Last month will apparently be the last time we have sex. We had sex and after he told (after going to the Dr) that he had issues staying hard, and he has been numb down there since. He went to the Dr who wanted to rule out medical issues. He does have high cholesterol but it's not terrible, low vitamin D but only 1 below the start of a normal range. I asked him if it was mental and he told me he looked at porn and nothing happened. He also says that he doesn't wake up with a hard on anymore as he use to.
So now I feel hopeless and like a terrible person bc I just don't know if I can live with never having sex again. I know there is Viagra and all those things that make you or possibly could make a man have an hard. What I am having the problem getting past is, this will be all medical and not because he wants me. I can't even tell him how I feel because he says he's embarrassed and depressed over it.
I know I should be concerned about his feelings but since he would refuse me sex for years just because he didn't want to and now we can't. I feel like his not wanting it lead to this, I know some men just have this issue but all the past actions seem to make me feel like he doesn't and won't care to have sex anyway.
I have become super depressed since he told me like to the point I've considered to end myself. I feel so useless. I know that sounds bad. I don't feel like a woman and I have pretty much stopped taking care of myself as I have been. I had been working out, which he complained about when I started and has had negative things to say about it all the time. So I feel like this issue is because I didn't want to be fat and unhealthy as I had been in the past. All his past gf's and his ex wife were very large women, at almost 200 lbs I was the smallest he had been with, his friends said that.
I divorced my ex because he was mentally abusive and he said I should have to have sex with him because that was my duty as his wife. I didn't want to have sex with him and finally left the marriage 8 years ago. Now I feel like this is karma getting back at me because I am attracted to my husband now and he turned me away so much I stopped asking about 2 years ago.
Now this, how do I deal? I have my own issues, obviously self esteem, pcos, bi-polar, anxiety and depression. I want to send counselor but no money or time to do so. I am literally broke 4 days after I get paid. I work from home full time and take care of our 4.5 yr old daughter. She is more than a handful and is only recently started sleeping through the night in her own bed. I have been fighting the bed thing for 2 years.
I think he used her sleeping with us as a way to say no all the time. Now he's stressed, and then this. I am not a cheater and I had considered divorce before this issue because of other martial issues. I decided to stay and try to work them out. I wonder if the universe is trying to force my hand do to what maybe I should have already done.
How do you deal with this? If it's truly ED then he has no control but he doesn't really want to talk about it either. I have no idea if he's going to try Viagra or any of the other things available. He told me his friend had given him Viagra before when he was younger as joke and it did "nothing". So I'm wondering if there is going to even be a possibility that anything will work. I have found a few natural vitamins that could help so I plan to get them and see if he's willing to try them.
Other than that I get to wait around to see if he gives a shit enough to even deal with it. It hasn't even been a month yet but he isn't one to deal with his medical problems or even go to the Dr unless he's total miserable.
Anyone have any suggestions on dealing with this as I have a high sex drive, I'm considering getting something to decrease it or kill it all together. I'm not sure I can be happy in a passion less life.
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Post by hopingforachange on Mar 5, 2018 9:58:28 GMT -5
I really need some help. I feel like the last part of my marriage that was good is now gone. We didn't have sex alot maybe once a month for the last 4 years or so. We have a daughter together who is almost 5. He also has kids from his first marriage and so do I. Last month will apparently be the last time we have sex. We had sex and after he told (after going to the Dr) that he had issues staying hard, and he has been numb down there since. He went to the Dr who wanted to rule out medical issues. He does have high cholesterol but it's not terrible, low vitamin D but only 1 below the start of a normal range. I asked him if it was mental and he told me he looked at porn and nothing happened. He also says that he doesn't wake up with a hard on anymore as he use to. So now I feel hopeless and like a terrible person bc I just don't know if I can live with never having sex again. I know there is Viagra and all those things that make you or possibly could make a man have an hard. What I am having the problem getting past is, this will be all medical and not because he wants me. I can't even tell him how I feel because he says he's embarrassed and depressed over it. I know I should be concerned about his feelings but since he would refuse me sex for years just because he didn't want to and now we can't. I feel like his not wanting it lead to this, I know some men just have this issue but all the past actions seem to make me feel like he doesn't and won't care to have sex anyway. I have become super depressed since he told me like to the point I've considered to end myself. I feel so useless. I know that sounds bad. I don't feel like a woman and I have pretty much stopped taking care of myself as I have been. I had been working out, which he complained about when I started and has had negative things to say about it all the time. So I feel like this issue is because I didn't want to be fat and unhealthy as I had been in the past. All his past gf's and his ex wife were very large women, at almost 200 lbs I was the smallest he had been with, his friends said that. I divorced my ex because he was mentally abusive and he said I should have to have sex with him because that was my duty as his wife. I didn't want to have sex with him and finally left the marriage 8 years ago. Now I feel like this is karma getting back at me because I am attracted to my husband now and he turned me away so much I stopped asking about 2 years ago. Now this, how do I deal? I have my own issues, obviously self esteem, pcos, bi-polar, anxiety and depression. I want to send counselor but no money or time to do so. I am literally broke 4 days after I get paid. I work from home full time and take care of our 4.5 yr old daughter. She is more than a handful and is only recently started sleeping through the night in her own bed. I have been fighting the bed thing for 2 years. I think he used her sleeping with us as a way to say no all the time. Now he's stressed, and then this. I am not a cheater and I had considered divorce before this issue because of other martial issues. I decided to stay and try to work them out. I wonder if the universe is trying to force my hand do to what maybe I should have already done. How do you deal with this? If it's truly ED then he has no control but he doesn't really want to talk about it either. I have no idea if he's going to try Viagra or any of the other things available. He told me his friend had given him Viagra before when he was younger as joke and it did "nothing". So I'm wondering if there is going to even be a possibility that anything will work. I have found a few natural vitamins that could help so I plan to get them and see if he's willing to try them. Other than that I get to wait around to see if he gives a shit enough to even deal with it. It hasn't even been a month yet but he isn't one to deal with his medical problems or even go to the Dr unless he's total miserable. Anyone have any suggestions on dealing with this as I have a high sex drive, I'm considering getting something to decrease it or kill it all together. I'm not sure I can be happy in a passion less life. Welcome to the club no one wanted to be part of. First, a lot of is have been in that deep dark place and have contemplated suicide. Your not alone with how bad not feeling desired cuts you to your core. Second, I don't know if anything that will kill your sex drive and your need to feel desired, wanted and loved. I was on SSRI antidepressants and it made me limp but didn't fix my desire to feel loved and the connection that comes from the intimate touch. SSRIs can burn in hell for as much as I care about them. Third, not having an erection in the morning means he has Heath issues going on and he needs to address them. But his refusal to go to the Drs means he doesn't care about his health and he thinks sex is not important to your marriage and relationship. Taking Viagra when he was younger might have done nothing if he was already able to get a hard erection and maintain it. Fourth, if you were in an abusive situation, there is no way karma is getting you back for leaving that. Hopefully karma is getting him back with ED.
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Post by vabeamergirl on Mar 5, 2018 10:20:41 GMT -5
I really need some help. I feel like the last part of my marriage that was good is now gone. We didn't have sex alot maybe once a month for the last 4 years or so. We have a daughter together who is almost 5. He also has kids from his first marriage and so do I. Last month will apparently be the last time we have sex. We had sex and after he told (after going to the Dr) that he had issues staying hard, and he has been numb down there since. He went to the Dr who wanted to rule out medical issues. He does have high cholesterol but it's not terrible, low vitamin D but only 1 below the start of a normal range. I asked him if it was mental and he told me he looked at porn and nothing happened. He also says that he doesn't wake up with a hard on anymore as he use to. So now I feel hopeless and like a terrible person bc I just don't know if I can live with never having sex again. I know there is Viagra and all those things that make you or possibly could make a man have an hard. What I am having the problem getting past is, this will be all medical and not because he wants me. I can't even tell him how I feel because he says he's embarrassed and depressed over it. I know I should be concerned about his feelings but since he would refuse me sex for years just because he didn't want to and now we can't. I feel like his not wanting it lead to this, I know some men just have this issue but all the past actions seem to make me feel like he doesn't and won't care to have sex anyway. I have become super depressed since he told me like to the point I've considered to end myself. I feel so useless. I know that sounds bad. I don't feel like a woman and I have pretty much stopped taking care of myself as I have been. I had been working out, which he complained about when I started and has had negative things to say about it all the time. So I feel like this issue is because I didn't want to be fat and unhealthy as I had been in the past. All his past gf's and his ex wife were very large women, at almost 200 lbs I was the smallest he had been with, his friends said that. I divorced my ex because he was mentally abusive and he said I should have to have sex with him because that was my duty as his wife. I didn't want to have sex with him and finally left the marriage 8 years ago. Now I feel like this is karma getting back at me because I am attracted to my husband now and he turned me away so much I stopped asking about 2 years ago. Now this, how do I deal? I have my own issues, obviously self esteem, pcos, bi-polar, anxiety and depression. I want to send counselor but no money or time to do so. I am literally broke 4 days after I get paid. I work from home full time and take care of our 4.5 yr old daughter. She is more than a handful and is only recently started sleeping through the night in her own bed. I have been fighting the bed thing for 2 years. I think he used her sleeping with us as a way to say no all the time. Now he's stressed, and then this. I am not a cheater and I had considered divorce before this issue because of other martial issues. I decided to stay and try to work them out. I wonder if the universe is trying to force my hand do to what maybe I should have already done. How do you deal with this? If it's truly ED then he has no control but he doesn't really want to talk about it either. I have no idea if he's going to try Viagra or any of the other things available. He told me his friend had given him Viagra before when he was younger as joke and it did "nothing". So I'm wondering if there is going to even be a possibility that anything will work. I have found a few natural vitamins that could help so I plan to get them and see if he's willing to try them. Other than that I get to wait around to see if he gives a shit enough to even deal with it. It hasn't even been a month yet but he isn't one to deal with his medical problems or even go to the Dr unless he's total miserable. Anyone have any suggestions on dealing with this as I have a high sex drive, I'm considering getting something to decrease it or kill it all together. I'm not sure I can be happy in a passion less life. Welcome to the club no one wanted to be part of. First, a lot of is have been in that deep dark place and have contemplated suicide. Your not alone with how bad not feeling desired cuts you to your core. Second, I don't know if anything that will kill your sex drive and your need to feel desired, wanted and loved. I was on SSRI antidepressants and it made me limp but didn't fix my desire to feel loved and the connection that comes from the intimate touch. SSRIs can burn in hell for as much as I care about them. Third, not having an erection in the morning means he has Heath issues going on and he needs to address them. But his refusal to go to the Drs means he doesn't care about his health and he thinks sex is not important to your marriage and relationship. Taking Viagra when he was younger might have done nothing if he was already able to get a hard erection and maintain it. Fourth, if you were in an abusive situation, there is no way karma is getting you back for leaving that. Hopefully karma is getting him back with ED. The ED is with my new husband. I just feel so broke. He went initially to the Dr but says he doesn't have the money to go to the follow up. The blood work only shows high cholesterol (not off the charts) and low vitamin D. He has always said to me in the past when I was frustrated by our lack of sex, that sex wasn't important to him. That cuddling and loving on me was enough for him. I don't even want to look at him at this point which I'm sure isn't helping but I have desires that I feel will just be pushed aside and he will just continue to use this as a crutch to not care about it or fix it.
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Post by jim44444 on Mar 5, 2018 21:36:08 GMT -5
How convenient that he now has a medical excuse for his lack of desire for you. Viagra will not give him an erection, it will to obtain and maintain an erection when he is aroused. Unfortunately he shows no signs of being aroused by you. Maybe he is not aroused by anyone but that does not help you. The fact that he has come up with an excuse to not pursue a possible solution (no money for doctor) is the same as saying he does not care. Is he afraid of you getting pregnant again? The only way you will get answers is if he will give them to you. The ball is in his court and he does not want to play.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 5, 2018 22:42:33 GMT -5
"Third, not having an erection in the morning means he has Heath issues going on and he needs to address them. But his refusal to go to the Drs means he doesn't care about his health and he thinks sex is not important to your marriage and relationship. Taking Viagra when he was younger might have done nothing if he was already able to get a hard erection and maintain it."
That isn't correct. As men age, they stop having morning erections. They also need some kind of oral or manual stimulation to get hard. This actually can make sex more pleasurable for their women partners because the guys are more into foreplay. Speaking from experience.
Unless you as a family really have no money, I don't believe he lacks money for a follow-up. I'd bet money that he was too embarrassed to talk to the doctor. However, men who like sex will do whatever it takes to get help for ED. My post SM boyfriend of 5 years started noticing a decreased libido and some ED problems perhaps about 6-7 years ago. He didn't even have a girlfriend then. Still, he went to the doctor, got tested, and learned that his t level, which previously had been very high, had dipped to a very low level. He started getting monthly t-shots and also takes cialis for his ED. When we first started having sex, we used to have it 3-4 times a day several times a week, and sometimes he couldn't get hard. He did tell me it definitely wasn't my fault. He also told me he was using meds, and he took the time to provide me with orgasms even when his dick didn't work. Now -- at ages 66, 65, we still have sex about 3 times a week. He does occasionally have ED, which once, after he had abdominal surgery, lasted for a couple of months because he was very sex. However, he continued to talk to his doctor about it, get his medication adjusted, and he continued to give me sexual pleasure.
When his insurance stopped paying for the Cialis, he got his doctor to give him samples, and he even spent several hundred dollars to get a supply.
Anyway, it is very likely your husband's ED is treatable -- he just needs to go and get treatment, even change doctors if his doctor isn't helpful. Go with him to his doctor. And if he thinks he can't afford treatment, ask him whether he can afford divorce. Meanwhile, he should be using hands/mouth to take care of your sexual needs. He shouldn't expect you to just forget all about sex. if he refuses to get help, think long and hard about whether you want to stay married to someone who doesn't care about your needs or about his own health.
One last thing: in addition to aging, which can cause men to develop ED, so can heavy alcohol use as well as some medical problems (diabetes, heart disease can cause ED) or interactions with medications. Prescription pain or other opioid addiction also can cause ED as can porn addiction.
There are many reasons for him to work closely with his doctor or to go to another doctor if his current doctor isn't helpful. If no medical problem is found, he may need help from a psychotherapist, but first, he needs to rule out medical problems.
My guy's doctor is much younger than he, and seemed surprised that a man my guy's age cared about sex. My guy set him straight and told him that he wanted to be able to continue doing his, as he puts it, "boyfriend duties."
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Post by baza on Mar 5, 2018 23:02:55 GMT -5
You don't exactly say what the causes are of your marital issues, other than to allude to - "I had considered divorce before this issue because of other martial issues" Sister vabeamergirl . You see, usually here, there are fundamental incompatibilities in play, and the absence of sex is the symptom of these. Incompatible people don't fuck each other. To focus on the sex as the key problem is often misdirected. I wonder if your mind is where mine was back in the day ? My marriage was a big fuck up. But I thought - "if at least we could get some half decent sex back into the deal I could tolerate all those other problems a whole lot better" Had I been successful in that endevour (and I wasn't), all that would have happened would have been that instead of being in a fucked up marriage with no sex, I would have been in a fucked up marriage with some sex. The core problem would have remained that the marriage was a big fuck up. Took me quite a while to see that, unfortunately.
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Post by vabeamergirl on Mar 6, 2018 4:46:26 GMT -5
How convenient that he now has a medical excuse for his lack of desire for you. Viagra will not give him an erection, it will to obtain and maintain an erection when he is aroused. Unfortunately he shows no signs of being aroused by you. Maybe he is not aroused by anyone but that does not help you. The fact that he has come up with an excuse to not pursue a possible solution (no money for doctor) is the same as saying he does not care. Is he afraid of you getting pregnant again? The only way you will get answers is if he will give them to you. The ball is in his court and he does not want to play. He was the one who begged me to have our child together. I was on birth control and content with having my 2 older children. He's been a once a month guy for years now and I have literally been tolerating that best I can. I believe he is a chubby chaser and over the last year or have lost 50+ pounds but he won't admit he isn't attracted to me now that I am a normal size woman vs plus size.
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Post by vabeamergirl on Mar 6, 2018 4:58:14 GMT -5
"Third, not having an erection in the morning means he has Heath issues going on and he needs to address them. But his refusal to go to the Drs means he doesn't care about his health and he thinks sex is not important to your marriage and relationship. Taking Viagra when he was younger might have done nothing if he was already able to get a hard erection and maintain it." That isn't correct. As men age, they stop having morning erections. They also need some kind of oral or manual stimulation to get hard. This actually can make sex more pleasurable for their women partners because the guys are more into foreplay. Speaking from experience. Unless you as a family really have no money, I don't believe he lacks money for a follow-up. I'd bet money that he was too embarrassed to talk to the doctor. However, men who like sex will do whatever it takes to get help for ED. My post SM boyfriend of 5 years started noticing a decreased libido and some ED problems perhaps about 6-7 years ago. He didn't even have a girlfriend then. Still, he went to the doctor, got tested, and learned that his t level, which previously had been very high, had dipped to a very low level. He started getting monthly t-shots and also takes cialis for his ED. When we first started having sex, we used to have it 3-4 times a day several times a week, and sometimes he couldn't get hard. He did tell me it definitely wasn't my fault. He also told me he was using meds, and he took the time to provide me with orgasms even when his dick didn't work. Now -- at ages 66, 65, we still have sex about 3 times a week. He does occasionally have ED, which once, after he had abdominal surgery, lasted for a couple of months because he was very sex. However, he continued to talk to his doctor about it, get his medication adjusted, and he continued to give me sexual pleasure. When his insurance stopped paying for the Cialis, he got his doctor to give him samples, and he even spent several hundred dollars to get a supply. Anyway, it is very likely your husband's ED is treatable -- he just needs to go and get treatment, even change doctors if his doctor isn't helpful. Go with him to his doctor. And if he thinks he can't afford treatment, ask him whether he can afford divorce. Meanwhile, he should be using hands/mouth to take care of your sexual needs. He shouldn't expect you to just forget all about sex. if he refuses to get help, think long and hard about whether you want to stay married to someone who doesn't care about your needs or about his own health. One last thing: in addition to aging, which can cause men to develop ED, so can heavy alcohol use as well as some medical problems (diabetes, heart disease can cause ED) or interactions with medications. Prescription pain or other opioid addiction also can cause ED as can porn addiction. There are many reasons for him to work closely with his doctor or to go to another doctor if his current doctor isn't helpful. If no medical problem is found, he may need help from a psychotherapist, but first, he needs to rule out medical problems. My guy's doctor is much younger than he, and seemed surprised that a man my guy's age cared about sex. My guy set him straight and told him that he wanted to be able to continue doing his, as he puts it, "boyfriend duties." I asked him to call the Dr because we got his blood work back and the Dr should now prescribe any meds he needs. He said he would call last week he didn't. The T levels are the middle of normal. He has a cholesterol and low vitamin D. Neither are extremely out of range just not within range. He was drinking a cup of Jack and Coke each night but stopped around the same time he says this issue happened. He's told me in the past that cuddling was enough and that sex wasn't all that important as people act like it is. I believe it's more mental and I have tried to talk to him and blame him. He seems very blah about it. We are both about to turn 43 this year be married 5 years next month. We have financial issues but he has credit cards available to him if he wanted to use them. I don't. I believe that he has lost feelings for me but doesn't want me to go because financially without me he'd have nothing again. I believe from his past he likes very large women. I was almost 200 lbs when we met which is large for me. His ex is currently probably 350. When I met his friends are 200lbs they said I was the smallest he'd ever been with. In the last year I've become healthy, new diet, exercise and am down to 150 lbs but also a size 4 from a size 18. Once I started loosing weight and looking fit, he started complaining about my ass being too small, my boobs being too small, I went from a 40 dd to a 36d. He complained I worked out too much. I was obsessed with what food I ate and that was all I cared about. Here lately over the last 2 months I have all but given up on myself due to his lack of interest and now with him saying he has ED, I hit a real low. I know he went to the Dr I saw the blood report but the complaint of his penis issues was not listed. I personally went to his Dr for a sinus infection and thought the guy wasn't competent. He says he's been going to him since he was a kid. In my mind all of our relationship is failing and this is the final link. This is my second marriage and it's hard.
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Post by vabeamergirl on Mar 6, 2018 5:07:52 GMT -5
You don't exactly say what the causes are of your marital issues, other than to allude to - "I had considered divorce before this issue because of other martial issues" Sister vabeamergirl . You see, usually here, there are fundamental incompatibilities in play, and the absence of sex is the symptom of these. Incompatible people don't fuck each other. To focus on the sex as the key problem is often misdirected. I wonder if your mind is where mine was back in the day ? My marriage was a big fuck up. But I thought - "if at least we could get some half decent sex back into the deal I could tolerate all those other problems a whole lot better" Had I been successful in that endevour (and I wasn't), all that would have happened would have been that instead of being in a fucked up marriage with no sex, I would have been in a fucked up marriage with some sex. The core problem would have remained that the marriage was a big fuck up. Took me quite a while to see that, unfortunately. Our other issues are financial and surrounding his ex and kids. I pay more than my share of his mortgage (almost all of it) and the full car insurance, groceries, 1/2 of the 3rd car payment and all my bills. He swears he can't afford to pay 1/2 of any of that, only pays the electric, his 2 cars, his bills and won't help me when I am broke, so I have gas, food, money to pick up the kids I have with my ex. I have told him before this makes me depressed and I can't keep doing it. He will say I will give you gas money for a few months then I'm back to no financial support. We both pay child support to our ex's but I don't have any type of relationship with my ex. He however likes to chat with her and she still feels she can call or text whenever the fuck she wants. His two daughters are disrespectful, lazy and cause issues by saying I'm mean when I tell them to do normal things. It's a little better now but I still resent the hell out of him and all of them for their behavior and how much shit it caused and still causes. Marriage isn't perfect I know this is my second one and I am willing to work shit out which is what I try to do. Its almost like I am being slapped in the face for wanting to make my marriage work for myself and for our family. I do love him or the sex wouldn't even matter. I didn't have sex with my ex for well over a year because I had no desire to be with him. So this is why it is so concerning to me. I know what people do when they don't care about the other person truly but are going through the motions and that's what this feels like.
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Post by baza on Mar 6, 2018 5:29:53 GMT -5
So you are getting treated in an - at best - indifferent fashion, plus you are subsidising his lifestyle.
You are perhaps feeling like he is just going through the motions because he IS just going through the motions, and largely doing so on your $.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 6, 2018 7:56:36 GMT -5
“Our other issues are financial and surrounding his ex and kids. I pay more than my share of his mortgage (almost all of it) and the full car insurance, groceries, 1/2 of the 3rd car payment and all my bills. “
What do you get out of this marriage other than saying you are married? He seems to be using you. The problem isn’t his ex but your choosing to stay in a relationship that offers you so little. Stop paying his share. Start taking care of yourself by investing in individual therapyvor a support group for women who have been in abusive relationships. Invest in yourself so you get to he confidence to choose a better life for yourself. Just because he doesn’t physically abuse you doesn’t mean you have a good relationship. He is Walkmeter by all over you. The relationship is poisonous for you whether or not his dick works.
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