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Post by Admin on Jul 27, 2018 22:18:18 GMT -5
Several long-time members have suggested that we set up a discussion board dedicated to "staying" and "committed to working on it". I'm pretty OK with the idea. Well, I'm not opposed... but I might be a bit confused. Let's discuss a few of the things on my mind. Please comment on any of these: Simple stuff: - First, the board needs a name. Something that captures the sentiment that is intended. Is it "Dedicated to Working On It", or "Not Interested In Divorce", or simply "Staying".... or something else?
- Should this be a sub-board under "Sexless Marriage Issues"? Or a peer to it, say, on the main forum page between "Sexless Marriage Issues" and "Resources"?
Heady stuff:
- What purpose would this board serve that "Sexless Marriage Issues" doesn't? (I get that it has one... but I just want someone to state it clearly.)
- I assume there would be a "sticky" explaining the purpose and "rules" of that board. What exactly are they? (Please draft what you think should be in that explanatory post -- and post it in THIS discussion.)
- Is there an expectation that the moderators would step in a squelch a discussion because it "not sufficiently supportive" of someone's decision to stay and work on it? (If so, that is a VERY different -- and new -- role for the moderators. Until now, pretty much "any opinion goes", as long as it is delivered earnestly. Can this be self censored?)
By asking these specific questions, I might sound like I'm against the idea... but I'm not really.
Let's have a discussion. If there is a general consensus, we'll give it a go. Note any decision that we make we can give it a try, and adjust it if necessary as we go, so we don't have to have it 100% nailed down before we start... but at least an 80% plan would be good!
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 192
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Post by catsloveme on Jul 27, 2018 23:14:57 GMT -5
I think the name should be simple. “Staying” is sufficient.
It should be a peer to “Post SM”.
You could also have a “Leaving” section that is dedicated to exit plans, etc.
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Post by baza on Jul 27, 2018 23:17:50 GMT -5
#1 - Name Suggestion "Staying In My Sexless Marriage" #2 - Make it a peer group, appearing on the front page. The purpose would be for people to vent and bemoan their situation without risking unwanted advice / suggestions concerning any option other than "Staying In My Sexless Marriage". And for people to give their hints / suggestions etc on coping with the situation. Members with views alternative to "Staying In My Sexless Marriage" ought be actively discouraged from posting in the group. Maybe even a block so they can't post in it. It should be a very unchallenging and benign and non confrontational place. In the broadest of terms I reckon the group will be populated by "post once then piss off never to be seen again" type members - like we already see in the group generally. I don't see it being a place for robust discussion. So I don't think the moderators would be over challenged in keeping order. In regard to "can it be self censored ?" I'd opine "probably not" - we are not a very disciplined group here. Anyway - a suggested sticky - "A safe and benign space for people choosing to stay in their sexless marriage" Finally, an observation. Sister northstarmom opened up a thread for this 'staying no matter what' heading on June 14 2018, and after a flurry of posts (almost entirely from existing members) it has essentially died in the arse and hasn't attracted a single post since July 6 2018. |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2018 23:31:09 GMT -5
Several long-time members have suggested that we set up a discussion board dedicated to "staying" and "committed to working on it". I'm pretty OK with the idea. Well, I'm not opposed... but I might be a bit confused. Let's discuss a few of the things on my mind. Please comment on any of these: Simple stuff: - First, the board needs a name. Something that captures the sentiment that is intended. Is it "Dedicated to Working On It", or "Not Interested In Divorce", or simply "Staying".... or something else?
- Should this be a sub-board under "Sexless Marriage Issues"? Or a peer to it, say, on the main forum page between "Sexless Marriage Issues" and "Resources"?
Heady stuff:
- What purpose would this board serve that "Sexless Marriage Issues" doesn't? (I get that it has one... but I just want someone to state it clearly.)
- I assume there would be a "sticky" explaining the purpose and "rules" of that board. What exactly are they? (Please draft what you think should be in that explanatory post -- and post it in THIS discussion.)
- Is there an expectation that the moderators would step in a squelch a discussion because it "not sufficiently supportive" of someone's decision to stay and work on it? (If so, that is a VERY different -- and new -- role for the moderators. Until now, pretty much "any opinion goes", as long as it is delivered earnestly. Can this be self censored?)
By asking these specific questions, I might sound like I'm against the idea... but I'm not really.
Let's have a discussion. If there is a general consensus, we'll give it a go. Note any decision that we make we can give it a try, and adjust it if necessary as we go, so we don't have to have it 100% nailed down before we start... but at least an 80% plan would be good!
I appreciate the thinking you have done on the issue. I think the board could be named "divorce is not an option" ok "staying" works too. I would like to see this topic as I am one of those who are staying. There are many aspects of SM and this topic would be one of those where us "staying" folks might feel more comfortable. I do get frustrated when the solution of divorce become the agreed upon solution for many posters. I also realize that many other topics could have their own discussion board. religious, substance abuse, I never should have gotten married, married with kids, cross-culture marriage, medical induced SM......etc.. Also I find that many threads are not relevant nor interesting to me. "Staying" might be more appropriate and a better use of my time. Why not start the discussion board and see where it goes? |
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thefire24
Junior Member
Posts: 28
Age Range: 36-40
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Post by thefire24 on Jul 28, 2018 0:11:47 GMT -5
I’m new here but I think this board sounds like a good idea. I appreciate all of the folks who are honest with the low chances of fixing a sexless marriage. Yet since they’re are so many other reasons to stay, even if it’s only for a set amount of time, it seems like a good idea to have a board where help can be directed in that way. If that’s what the posters are needing.
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 28, 2018 2:05:27 GMT -5
I’ll suggest... top-level, adjacent to “SM Issues”, named something like: “Choosing to Stay”.
I’m not sure a parity group is needed for “Making Escape Plans”, as that’s pretty effectively discussed everywhere here when it’s in context.
I think the sentiment is that folks choosing to stay would appreciate a section where their goal is being supported and not challenged, as we tend to do. I.e., as constructive a dialog as possible, despite our general attitude that the odds are low.
ETA: I don’t know that this section would need to be policed any more than another. Folks generally seem to respect the section descriptions here on their own. I don’t think people would treat it like a collection of easy targets.
However, I do suspect that many of us who arrive thinking “Everything’s great except the sex” will gravitate there and not be challenged to look at their spouse’s behavior critically. Perhaps we should encourage folks to not make it their first home when joining.
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Post by baza on Jul 28, 2018 3:10:01 GMT -5
Good point Brother DryCreek makes. All of us when we first arrive here are "stayers". That's the default setting. shamwow , choosinghappy , filtermachine , @creelunion , greatcoastal and dozens of others. baza too . All initially stayers. Now whereas I would not believe for a moment that these people became leavers on the basis of their exposure to this group, I do believe that it probably accelerated their arrival at the conclusion that leaving was in their longer term best interests. That was my experience in any event. I think I knew at some level that getting out was my likely destination, and my EP exposure likely speeded that process up. |
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2018 7:58:13 GMT -5
I really like the “Choosing to Stay” title as I think it demonstrates the active choice a person has made and indicates a commitment to that choice. And as a peer board to the others. However, I’ve also suggested that Post SM be renamed to encompass those who are actively in the process of leaving (as that does take a decent amount of time for folks, 3-12 months?). How about “Actively Leaving and Post SM”?
I think, for those of us who have left or are leaving, we have to be very careful of not bringing our judgment to the situations of others. We have to remember the multi-year process we went through to extract ourselves from our own SMs and not rush people to follow in our steps. To each his/her own and on his/her own timeline. I can’t think of a member that’s left who hasn’t been through a multi-year process of ‘why chasing’ or ‘working on it’ prior to getting out. They may not name it as such, but reading their stories the process is there no less.
I love this idea of a new board. Everyone should feel welcome here to have their own journey on their own time!
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Post by greatcoastal on Jul 28, 2018 11:01:03 GMT -5
Replace the "best of EP ILIASM board" with "choosing to stay for now". The best of board sits idle month after month.
I particularly liked following someones exit story. First the factors that lead up to the final tipping point. Second The announcement. Third the repercussions. Fourth how long the divorce takes. Fifth the roller coaster of going through the divorce. Sixth the divorce recovery.
I still would expect the "choosing to stay for now" board to be riddled with open, caring, philosophical questions into the why, and the pro's and cons, involving the refusee, the refuser and all other members of the family.
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Post by Admin on Jul 28, 2018 23:35:49 GMT -5
I'm fine with "Choosing to Stay" as a title. But I still have some "what ifs" to ask about:
a)
What if someone is "Choosing to Stay", and it is clear to some of us that he or she is pretty close to being in serious harm's way: either physical, emotional, or financial. Because he or she posted in "Choosing to Stay", we are not supposed to point this out? Are we not "allowed" to urge this person to at least consider the risk of staying?
If we are required to NOT tell someone "I think you are at risk of harm from your dedication to staying"... someone help write the blurb that will go in the sticky, as I don't know how to do that.
b)
What if someone is a vocal proponent of "Stay and Cheat", and persistently nudges other "stayers" to consider outsourcing? Is that OK in the "Choosing to Stay" forum? After all, it is a form of "choosing to stay", right?
If that's not OK... someone help write the blurb that excludes that flavor of "staying".
c)
What if "Choosing to Stay" starts attracting well-intentioned folks to start "advising" all the "stayers"... and they start advising: do more chores; take out for romantic dinners; just wear some sexy lingerie for him; yada yada yada... we experienced (if somewhat jaded) members are NOT allowed to warn that this MIGHT not work? We are not allowed to point out "if you tried it and it doesn't work IT'S NOT YOU; time to consider other options"?
If mentioning "bacon-scented candles don't work" is not OK... someone help write the blurb that excludes disparaging bad advice, because I don't know how to add that to the "rules" of that board.
I'm serious. If we are going to open this up as a board, I need someone to draft the "rules sticky" (and post it here for further discussion), as I'm having trouble seeing how to craft it. What -- exactly -- is disallowed (or at least discouraged) in the "Choosing to Stay" board?
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Post by Admin on Jul 28, 2018 23:40:11 GMT -5
Replace the "best of EP ILIASM board" with "choosing to stay for now". The best of board sits idle month after month. This is not an either/or decision; there is no limit to the number of boards we have. I think it is time to rename "Best of EP", however. |
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Post by baza on Jul 28, 2018 23:49:04 GMT -5
Replace the "best of EP ILIASM board" with "choosing to stay for now". The best of board sits idle month after month. This is not an either/or decision; there is no limit to the number of boards we have. I think it is time to rename "Best of EP", however. Dunno about anyone else, but I cannot get back into that Experience Project site these days, let alone identify a specific story, let alone copy it and post it here. |
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Post by baza on Jul 29, 2018 22:05:34 GMT -5
Been thinking about this a bit more over the past 24 hours.
Much of the following is predicated on the fact that the majority of members post nothing, and another large % join, post one story then piss off never to be seen again - resulting in the level of active members being quite small. Brother @shynjdude puts it at about 200 at any given time (total membership is 1,200) and I think thats a credible figure...and it means that only about 1 in 6 members are - or become - active members)
So this is to question the advisability of making changes for the (a) non contributing members and (b) the "one off" members.
Seems to me to be trying to cater for a minority of contributors (although by numbers they are the majority of the members) who are highly unlikely to become active members.
Alternative.
Just re-write the existing introduction to say something to the effect - "if you don't want to discuss your situation in your post, just sign it off by saying "no advice please" or "no dissenting opinions please"....which I figure the existing members would abide by.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 30, 2018 17:09:27 GMT -5
This is not an either/or decision; there is no limit to the number of boards we have. I think it is time to rename "Best of EP", however. Dunno about anyone else, but I cannot get back into that Experience Project site these days, let alone identify a specific story, let alone copy it and post it here. Yes the entire thing has been wiped out. |
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 31, 2018 9:04:13 GMT -5
"First, the board needs a name. Something that captures the sentiment that is intended. Is it "Dedicated to Working On It", or "Not Interested In Divorce", or simply "Staying".... or something else?
Should this be a sub-board under "Sexless Marriage Issues"? Or a peer to it, say, on the main forum page between "Sexless Marriage Issues" and "Resources"?"
Name: Area for Those Choosing to Stay in their Sexless Marriage
Heady stuff:
What purpose would this board serve that "Sexless Marriage Issues" doesn't? "
It would be only for people who choose to stay. Advice to leave and tales about the benefits of leaving would not be allowed. It would also be a good source of information and support for people early in their SMs when things like The Talk and bacon scented candles might actually work. It would not scare off people who perhaps could benefit from the site in general, but don't stick around because the site seems too negative to them and they interpret as overly cynical and pessimistic the informed advice from people who have escaped their SMs or who are in the process of leaving. I believe that is the case with many lurkers and once and out posters.
" (I get that it has one... but I just want someone to state it clearly.)
I assume there would be a "sticky" explaining the purpose and "rules" of that board. What exactly are they? (Please draft what you think should be in that explanatory post -- and post it in THIS discussion.)
Is there an expectation that the moderators would step in a squelch a discussion because it "not sufficiently supportive" of someone's decision to stay and work on it? (If so, that is a VERY different -- and new -- role for the moderators. Until now, pretty much "any opinion goes", as long as it is delivered earnestly. Can this be self censored?)"
Suggestion: This area is only for people who plan to remain in their sexless marriages regardless of whether their sexless marriages are due to a sexually able partners' refusing sex or to having a partner who for medical or other reasons is unable to have sex. We ask others to respect this boundary so that people who choose to stay in their sexless marriages can connect with others who feel the same way. Consequently, posts will be removed if they contain advice about leaving or encouragement to leave. If people who are choosing to stay in sexless marriages want such advice or information, they can get it elsewhere in ILIASM.
Moderation will be needed because self-censoring will not be perfect.
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