|
|
Post by hopingforachange on Aug 2, 2018 13:07:18 GMT -5
If it is any help, I will offer a "moral" arguement. Refraining from comment when a member appears hell bent on engaging in something harmful to themselves - say staying in an abusive LIASM deal - would amount to negligence. Yeah, that's close to what I was trying to get at. We will not keep our mouths shut off the member appears to being harmed by the relationship even though they want to stay. |
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 3, 2018 10:13:24 GMT -5
I think one of the purposes of the "choosing to stay" board is to attract people who are much earlier in their ILIASM deals and have a chance to fix things. It isn't to do more of the same but to increase the audience and participants. What we don't know is if there are a lot of people who would feel more comfortable in such a room. Again, half of the membership here have posted very little or never. We can't exactly poll them why  |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Aug 6, 2018 20:08:56 GMT -5
Well we know from assorted polls and sampling etc that of the "active" members the ratios are something like this (after you take out all the members who have left their ILIASM deals).
22% are "staying no matter what"
48% are "thinking about leaving but not actively pursuing that option"
30% are "actively working on leaving"
So I'll put this arguement up .......
That the above percentages would also pretty much apply to the membership who don't post or post very very little.
That 'silent majority' are not ALL going to be "stayers".
Nor are they ALL going to be "thinking about its" either.
They are not ALL going to be "actively be engaged in getting out" either.
They are going to be a mix.
Probably similar in percentages to those we DO know something about.
Far and away - 78% - are either "thinking" about getting out - 48% - or proactively "getting out" - 30%.
|
|
catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 192
|
Post by catsloveme on Aug 7, 2018 0:27:12 GMT -5
Well we know from assorted polls and sampling etc that of the "active" members the ratios are something like this (after you take out all the members who have left their ILIASM deals). 22% are "staying no matter what" 48% are "thinking about leaving but not actively pursuing that option" 30% are "actively working on leaving" So I'll put this arguement up ....... That the above percentages would also pretty much apply to the membership who don't post or post very very little. That 'silent majority' are not ALL going to be "stayers". Nor are they ALL going to be "thinking about its" either. They are not ALL going to "actively be engaged in getting out". They are going to be a mix. Probably similar in percentages to those we DO know something about. Far and away - 78% - are either "thinking" about getting out - 48% - or proactively "getting out" - 30%. I think you missed a subset: those who are staying and working on things, NOT staying no matter what and NOT actively thinking about leaving. |
|
|
|
Post by baza on Aug 7, 2018 1:12:31 GMT -5
That staying group are most welcome to have their personal nuances to their choice to stay.
Such as -
Stay and work on it
Stay and resign oneself to it
Stay and open the marriage
Stay and cheat
Stay and own that choice
Stay and don't own that choice
Stay whilst considering whether to move to the next group of "thinking about leaving"
Stay and adopt the college plan
There's probably more options still under the staying banner. The above just readily spring to mind.
They are all perfectly valid options, all nuances of the core commonality - staying.
But I doubt there'd be much value in opening unique groups for each nuance of the staying group.
Just about every member here was a "stayer" (for assorted different reasons) when they arrived. (I was, about 9 years ago, and just about any "leaver" here started off as a "stayer")
They don't all stay "stayers"... some move on to "thinkers" ... some then move on to "pro-actively working their way out" ... some then "get out". And some stay right where they started.
All perfectly valid choices.
|
|
|
|
Post by Admin on Aug 8, 2018 11:28:39 GMT -5
Thanks for all the comments and insights posted here. The new board -- " Choosing to Stay" -- is up. |
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Aug 9, 2018 6:07:13 GMT -5
Glad the new board was created. I appreciate how it reflects consideration of the many thoughtful suggestions about who it should be. Nice work all who contributed to this evolution l.
|
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Aug 9, 2018 13:35:24 GMT -5
This was needed. Sometimes I feel like Gandalf in Lord of the Rings fighting the demon. As the demon grabs his leg he tells everyone else "run you fools!"
Many of us who have left look back and only wonder why the fuck it took us so long to come to our senses. Getting out was the best thing we ever did and set our lives on a non-self-destructive course.
But there are those who cannot leave or choose to stay (for whatever reason), and screaming "run you fools" at them serves no purpose. Instead this section may act as a safe zone where they can compare bacon scented candle strategies without pressure (from folks like me).
|
|
catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 192
|
Post by catsloveme on Aug 9, 2018 13:48:09 GMT -5
This was needed. Sometimes I feel like Gandalf in Lord of the Rings fighting the demon. As the demon grabs his leg he tells everyone else "run you fools!" Many of us who have left look back and only wonder why the fuck it took us so long to come to our senses. Getting out was the best thing we ever did and set our lives on a non-self-destructive course. But there are those who cannot leave or choose to stay (for whatever reason), and screaming "run you fools" at them serves no purpose. Instead this section may act as a safe zone where they can compare bacon scented candle strategies without pressure (from folks like me). In my staying strategy, I’m not interested in bacon-scented candles. I’m interested in being intentional and realistic and working on being a healthy, happy, whole me. My marriage has a lot of good in it—love, friendship, emotional intimacy, partnership—so I am reluctant to leave because there is no sex. Yep, I need that. But I also need all those other things. Telling me to make an exit strategy or that I need to consult an attorney isn’t helpful at the moment, though I did tuck that advice away for th future should I need it. What I’m hoping for with the “staying” section is for constructive discussion and advice that is pertinent to those of us who are traveling this path. I’m grateful that the admins listened and started this section, as well as for the group discussion the ensued when this was brought up. As always, being here expands my thinking. |
|
