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Post by javba on Sept 16, 2018 11:52:40 GMT -5
I have outsourced twice, and I can't say that I regretted it. I also can't tout the great benefits either. Did I get sex? Yes, I sure did but that was the easy part. For me the realization that many men in this setting do not mean shit they say truly added another layer of frustration to my life.Reading profiles and talking to men that professed the love they had for their wives, while at the same time they're on affair 99 was an eye opener . Some men on AM had girlfriends for crying out loud. This path changed my view on relationships in a very negative way. Trust was already difficult, but this made it even worse. The thing is the why was and is very important to me. When you ask men why they're cheating they almost always claim a sexless marriage yet they love their wives, and talk about how great she is. Heck, one renewed vows and planned on adopting a child all while wanting to keep seeing me. I was freaking horrified because that type of deception IMO was insane. Too many lies involved in affairs, and I have reached the conclusion I will never find what I need following this path. I would have to change my needs to just sex if this path is to work going forward. Therefore, I am down to just two options. Yes, there's a need to clarify your objectives. Also SLM is always claimed by men. I wonder if you're painting with Brush too broad. However it's not for me to determine. Just do not fall in love is the only feedback I can give you. That's why I had to end my outsourcing to flying solo
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 16, 2018 12:31:00 GMT -5
I have outsourced twice, and I can't say that I regretted it. I also can't tout the great benefits either. Did I get sex? Yes, I sure did but that was the easy part. For me the realization that many men in this setting do not mean shit they say truly added another layer of frustration to my life.Reading profiles and talking to men that professed the love they had for their wives, while at the same time they're on affair 99 was an eye opener . Some men on AM had girlfriends for crying out loud. This path changed my view on relationships in a very negative way. Trust was already difficult, but this made it even worse. The thing is the why was and is very important to me. When you ask men why they're cheating they almost always claim a sexless marriage yet they love their wives, and talk about how great she is. Heck, one renewed vows and planned on adopting a child all while wanting to keep seeing me. I was freaking horrified because that type of deception IMO was insane. Too many lies involved in affairs, and I have reached the conclusion I will never find what I need following this path. I would have to change my needs to just sex if this path is to work going forward. Therefore, I am down to just two options. It's great to hear from you again! (sorry it has to be on a sour note) You are ALWAYS welcome to vent here and I am glad you did! Lately I have done more than stick my toe in the dating pool, I am knee deep, and the manure that you have to wade through....stinks! (We could talk plenty if you want to PM me) Please don't lower yourself to being a NSA. That won't fill your needs. Personally I felt much better about waiting until I could present myself as divorced. Due to all the manipulative liars out there, I get asked repeatedly by woman, " are you really divorced?" I said to one woman, " I'll bring my divorce decree and my parenting plan, if you like?". One thing I stated in my recent 'profile' , is "I want to gain your trust" That, is a two way street!! The double standards out there is mind boggling! It's really sad the number of people who are divorced and dating again who can tell you some crazy stories about "the dating world". Come to think of it, is it any different than the "married world"? Only the married world has a much bigger, deeper mask of protection by society. Please do not let "one (or 2 or 3) bad apples spoil the whole bunch". YOU press forward and be your true honest self, do not lower your standards or feel you have to compromise. In fact RAISE them and see what you find!! YOU DESERVE IT!!
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Post by Dan on Sept 16, 2018 13:18:17 GMT -5
For me the realization that many men in this setting do not mean shit they say truly added another layer of frustration to my life. I'm sorry to hear of your bad experiences, especially if it has soured you on relationships (or men) in general. From my pretty lengthy period of being "on the hunt" for an AP (which I did find on several occasions), I came to the conclusion that attempting to "date" while married is basically as exciting/dicey/fraught as attempting to date while single. You've got to do a lot of leg work. You've got to read between the lines. Ferret out the liars and creeps. But not everyone is lying or a creep. Among those who are not, they may or may not be looking for something compatible with what you are looking for. You have to be honest/direct about what you are looking for. You have to go with your gut. Act on imperfect information. Just like non affair relationships, sometimes it works out, sometimes it doesn't. Maybe like becomes love. Sometimes you lose interest - or they do. All friendships - even romantic ones - have an arc. When it's over, you lick your wounds. If and when ready, repeat. Queue song: James Taylor's "Going Around One More Time".
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Post by Handy on Sept 16, 2018 13:33:04 GMT -5
Isabellas39, have you ever met a man that was in a sexless marriage and didn't love his wife? Some men and women just hang on to a dysfunctional marriage out of fear about being judged for divorcing over sexual incompatibility, thinking they can't afford to finance 2 households, and don't want to give up a house-retirement fund-etc that took 10, 20, years or much longer to accumulate. This is the group I am in.
I am more curious about what I am asking than suggesting you re-consider who you met while outsourcing.
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Post by nyctos on Sept 17, 2018 10:35:33 GMT -5
Regrets? Maybe only that it ended too quickly and it's not like I have a ton of opportunities. What's the barrier Barrier from that partner? A continent and an ocean. From any other partner? Well, it would be a matter of finding one.
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Post by Isabellas39 on Sept 17, 2018 22:56:10 GMT -5
Dan, thanks for the song 👍🙂..I did realize early on that I had to do the same screening like I did when I was single. However ,some men believe that in this arena you can play foolish games and not get caught. Many say they want just one person, then you find out that they want a buffet of women. What's funny is men say they don't want drama, yet they're always trying to use the L word as if it's the key to getting what they want faster. They bring drama because they refuse to be honest about their needs.
GC, I am trying my best to keep an open mind and not view all men as dishonest. You are right NSA doesn't fill my need to feel connected .
Handy, I haven't met anyone in a sexless marriage that didn't love their wife.. I don't really expect anyone to say anything negative about their spouse, but claiming love while having a continuous string of affairs is just a bit strange. Heck, I bet their wives would be shocked to know their husbands are supposedly miserable in the marriage.
I think the dishonesty is what gets me the most. These guys are not only lying to their wives, they lie to their APs too about what they are seeking. I would have zero issue if someone said they were not looking for anything exclusive, but the unnecessary lies is just too much.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 17, 2018 23:18:39 GMT -5
@isabellas39 Just from a few days of being on AFF/passion.com I get so ticked at reading this " I don't want drama". Hello!! News flash. Everyone has drama! ie baggage, some more than others.
Who wants sex without drama? (intimacy, communication,talking dirty, leading up to the moment, building more trust afterwards, having joyful tears, laughing moments, craving passion, you know, drama!) Tell them to go fuck their hand! ( what they really mean is I don't want to have any truth exposed)
I've read even more lies. "If you live more than 20 miles from me I'm not interested". Then you look at their "friends" they live in different states!! "If you are not 40 to 55 yrs old I'm not interested". Who are their "friends"? 28 yr olds! "Don't send me your dick pick or I will block you". Yet there's a photo of their pussy, or again ,their friends are guys with nothing but a dick pick. WEIRD!
"I'm looking for love, romance and I am a very giving person". What's their first question, " where do you work?"
I could go on, and on....
I am sorry this is happening to you. better put your waders and your teflon hat on, it's a bumpy ride!
PS: I do speak negatively about my ex. Why? Well when a woman is so paranoid about " are you really divorced" due to some of what you went through. "the lie that they are detached but they aren't leaving" I want her to have reassurance and comfort that I made a solid decision. That I have ZERO trust in my ex. (not that I can't trust again with someone else) If it wasn't for the limited amount of communication necessary due to the children it would be a 100% ,zero communication break away.
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Post by Handy on Sept 17, 2018 23:21:23 GMT -5
Isabellas39, I know there are players that want multiple women, so I exclude myself from that group. I am the type that would want one woman and wouldn't have the desire or skills to have 2 or more sexual or intimate relationships, it wouldn't work for me. I even admitted on another thread I am what is called a "guilt king" which is a person that doesn't like to be played or to play with someone else's feelings. I come across to my friends as someone that is too responsible and too tied up with tradition as in do what you promised.
Isabella Handy, I haven't met anyone in a sexless marriage that didn't love their wife. If I had an affair partner, (remember I have been married 50 years) I certainly wouldn't string her along with a bunch of half truths. About loving my W, I only stay married because of my sense of responsibility, the fact that I would have to give up what took me about as long to accumulate, and starting over with real-estate prices about 8 to 10 times higher than 50 years ago. Housing prices almost doubled in the past 5 years. I also come from a generation that rarely divorced and in my circle of older friends divorce is almost non existent. I don't stay because of love, it is the other responsability type of barriers that keep me stuck.
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Post by choosinghappy on Sept 18, 2018 7:04:16 GMT -5
“I’m looking for love, romance and I am a very giving person”. What’s their first question, “where do you work?” greatcoastal my guess is that with this question they’re just trying to get to know you, not that they have ulterior motives. Most people talk a lot about their work so I think this is a pretty standard question to ask someone you are interested in.
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Post by shamwow on Sept 18, 2018 8:13:44 GMT -5
“I’m looking for love, romance and I am a very giving person”. What’s their first question, “where do you work?” greatcoastal my guess is that with this question they’re just trying to get to know you, not that they have ulterior motives. Most people talk a lot about their work so I think this is a pretty standard question to ask someone you are interested in. Agree
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 18, 2018 8:48:14 GMT -5
“I’m looking for love, romance and I am a very giving person”. What’s their first question, “where do you work?” greatcoastal my guess is that with this question they’re just trying to get to know you, not that they have ulterior motives. Most people talk a lot about their work so I think this is a pretty standard question to ask someone you are interested in. That's true, very true. This sunday we started new sunday schools. I sat with a group of 4 couples. The opening " ice breaker' questions where, how long have you been coming here, and what do you do for a living? My answer to where do you work? is L O N G and complicated. It certainly opens doors to other topics. ( no longer a simple ice breaker question) I so enjoy speaking to you! a woman your age on this forum. I respect and admire ,the advice ,experience and perspective that you bring to the table. I am trying to remember that. Heck I marvel at the advice I get from my 16 yr old daughter! However, when a 29 -39 yr old, Sports Illustrated cover model who lives over 100 miles from me, is single, has no children, is wanting to know me? Me, 54 yr old father of 6, divorced? It instantly makes me think, " sugar daddy" I live near the beach " not on the beach" I own real estate, my own home, I am semi retired. My kids will continue to live with me. I can't and won't be saying, " sure come move in with me". It's WEIRD! I am sooo not used to it. I don't trust it. Ps: You know what else would be greatly appreciated on this forum? To read the words " I also agree with most of what you said" or ' thank you for taking the time to share your experiences" Instead of , you are wrong. Some advice to apply as you communicate in your next relationship.
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Post by choosinghappy on Sept 18, 2018 15:04:51 GMT -5
“I’m looking for love, romance and I am a very giving person”. What’s their first question, “where do you work?” greatcoastal my guess is that with this question they’re just trying to get to know you, not that they have ulterior motives. Most people talk a lot about their work so I think this is a pretty standard question to ask someone you are interested in. That's true, very true. This sunday we started new sunday schools. I sat with a group of 4 couples. The opening " ice breaker' questions where, how long have you been coming here, and what do you do for a living? My answer to where do you work? is L O N G and complicated. It certainly opens doors to other topics. ( no longer a simple ice breaker question) I so enjoy speaking to you! a woman your age on this forum. I respect and admire ,the advice ,experience and perspective that you bring to the table. I am trying to remember that. Heck I marvel at the advice I get from my 16 yr old daughter! However, when a 29 -39 yr old, Sports Illustrated cover model who lives over 100 miles from me, is single, has no children, is wanting to know me? Me, 54 yr old father of 6, divorced? It instantly makes me think, " sugar daddy" I live near the beach " not on the beach" I own real estate, my own home, I am semi retired. My kids will continue to live with me. I can't and won't be saying, " sure come move in with me". It's WEIRD! I am sooo not used to it. I don't trust it. Ps: You know what else would be greatly appreciated on this forum? To read the words " I also agree with most of what you said" or ' thank you for taking the time to share your experiences" Instead of , you are wrong. Some advice to apply as you communicate in your next relationship. GC: I was attempting to help you by trying to provide a different perspective. I did not say "you are wrong". I also did not write "I agree with most of what you said" here because it's not true. However, I chose to only highlight that one quote because I felt I had something constructive to say, rather than comment on everything, making it seem argumentative. I'm sorry if it made you feel under-appreciated. Your final comment of "some advice to apply as you communicate in your next relationship" was a pretty good slight towards me though so I guess now we're even?? I get your point with the young supermodel types. I guess I'd just caution you not to be SO guarded though, looking at every potential match through a lens of suspicion. Take me and tirefire for instance: I am 36, he is 51, and we actually live over 400 miles apart. But that hasn't stopped either of us from pursuing a relationship. Now, I wouldn't call myself a supermodel (others can if they want to though [hahaha totally joking]) but some may look at our situation and question it. Doesn't mean it's not real though. My former AP was also in his 50s and we were almost 200 miles apart. So I'm just saying that some open-mindedness (not to the point of naivete of course) might be advantageous while you reenter the dating world. Has someone asked or even implied that they want to "come move in with [you]"? If not, maybe don't rush to judgment so quickly.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 18, 2018 17:03:43 GMT -5
@choosinghappy one of the questions in the question and answer section is " are you willing to relocate". Their answer is "yes". My answers where "no", along with the questions : have children? My answer, "Yes-at home partly." Want children? my answer, "happy with what I have".
The latest is 36 yrs old and tells me " I am looking to relocate and start a new life with the partner that I find" 36F (raleigh NC 536 miles). They also answer in their profile, "no children, would like to start a family". ( We already are quite the opposite, so why are they sending me personal texts?)
More examples:
"I'm looking for a guy that will treat me like a princess and take good care of me" 31F " I want to build a relationship that will last a lifetime " 31F (United Kingdom 4269 miles away) " I hope I can be a good wife. Willing to cook (smile) , caring, giving and just want to share my life with someone special" 32F (Canada 1492 miles) " A man who is ready for a 24/7 relationship. I don't mind relocating." 32F Honolulu HI (4796 miles away)
The list goes on, about 30 of them, including China and South America. ( They all say in their profile, they want to relocate and start a family. - So, what are they texting me for?)
Have you spent time on one of these sights? Looking to start over, dating or outsourcing? I am just sharing my recent experiences. I am happy to hear others examples that contradict it from these sights. Someone who has gone on one of these sights and found what they wanted. One of the very few sights that are not bots, where you will actually meet a person and speak with them.
I met a woman this Friday from this sight. (50F) She lives 7 miles from me. All of her photos are from the chest up. Her last text to me was a full body picture. (minutes before arriving) She said "you do know I am a big girl right?" I replied "yes, you know that I am a thin man?" She turned out to be larger than my ex. I was disappointed. Back to the "ask for a full body shot".
Was I disappointed in the person I met? Not at all. It was a good experience.
( I still will give it time, wade through the bad and hope to give a glowing report of a new ,lasting relationship)
But this goes back to an example of what you are going to encounter when trying to outsource.
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Post by shamwow on Sept 18, 2018 18:08:38 GMT -5
God, I'm glad I got to skip the whole "looking for love" step and found my little ballofconfusion... I'm lucky as hell.
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 18, 2018 18:32:43 GMT -5
God, I'm glad I got to skip the whole "looking for love" step and found my little ballofconfusion ... I'm lucky as hell. YES! You are and I can only speak for myself, "the rest of the dating world is not all rainbows and unicorns."
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