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Post by baza on Sept 12, 2018 20:53:03 GMT -5
In a thread yesterday, Brother javba raised the issue of money, and its' potential role in holding one in an ILIASM situation. This subject sometimes gets a general mention in here ("if I could afford it I'd get out" sort of thing), but I can't recall it being discussed at any depth. Now I figure that the question of money is a big concern of most people (not only ILIASM situations) but the specific question is - to the ILIASM demographic - "Has - or is - your financial position holding you in your ILIASM situation". Poll above....and feel free to comment as well. Personally, I voted "yes". I took a position for years that if I could afford it, I'd get out. Fact was, I was kidding myself. When I did the sums and research, it was clear that I could afford it - not terribly comfortably - but I could manage it. Further, with (in my case) about another 10/15 years of running my own finances, I could most likely restore my financial health. Far from deriving any comfort out of that, I found that to be a terribly troubling thing to confront. There WAS a way out....if I wanted it. So did I leave ? No. I did not. Rather, I found "other" reasons to stay...and trashed another couple of years that I could have utilised in restoring my financial health. But I did eventually get out. With 8 available years to restore my financial health. As it turned out, that was plenty. Did it in a bit over 6 years and so had another couple of years as gravy. None of this personal anecdote is advice or suggestion. And I ought add that I am by nature, a tightwad, not given to buying Audi Quatro's when a 2nd hand Toyota Camry will do the same job. So whereas the above is how my deal panned out, everybody's situations are different. For me, yep, money was a problem, right up to when I discovered it wasn't. But that raised more questions than it answered for me. |
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Post by misssunnybunny on Sept 12, 2018 21:08:53 GMT -5
I left a fairly comfortable life when I got divorced. I went from never having to worry about money to having to work full time to support myself, and worrying about my financial future (alimony helps, but it won't last forever).
I'm not answering the poll, because my answer while married would have been "yes" but now I can say "no." I think the money issue was more of an excuse to not leave, a fear of not being able to support myself. I've rediscovered my independent self, and that has been a great thing to have happen! Once it got to the point that my emotional and mental health was suffering too much, any other reason to stay disappeared. I needed to take care of ME, and being miserable yet financially comfortable was not going to bring me happiness.
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Post by ironhamster on Sept 12, 2018 21:18:13 GMT -5
I voted no, but there are really two questions there and the answer is complex.
In the end, I am determined to live a better life for myself and set a better example for my kids, and I don't care what that costs. The prospect of losing the house I figured I would one day be carried out of feet first meant nothing in comparison. The prospect of perpetual alimony is an insult, but less of an insult than staying.
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Post by workingonit on Sept 12, 2018 21:23:53 GMT -5
Hmmm.... I find this tough to answer.
On the one hand no, it is not the deciding factor at all. I have a reasonable plan for my financial future and I am the bread winner anyway so no.
On the other hand, if we had multiple millions and could afford to support 2 homes without making my kids move right now or my h give up his academic dreams I think I would possibly be more willing to move forward now instead of later.
It is part of the complicated weave of our relationship entanglement but it does not feel like a deciding factor at all.
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Post by flounder on Sept 12, 2018 21:36:48 GMT -5
Kids here.
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Post by choosinghappy on Sept 12, 2018 21:46:27 GMT -5
I left a fairly comfortable life when I got divorced. I went from never having to worry about money to having to work full time to support myself, and worrying about my financial future (alimony helps, but it won't last forever). I'm not answering the poll, because my answer while married would have been "yes" but now I can say "no." I think the money issue was more of an excuse to not leave, a fear of not being able to support myself. I've rediscovered my independent self, and that has been a great thing to have happen! Once it got to the point that my emotional and mental health was suffering too much, any other reason to stay disappeared. I needed to take care of ME, and being miserable yet financially comfortable was not going to bring me happiness. 100% this. I chose to leave an incredibly comfortable life. While the money did not hold me there it did give me pause (likely more pause than I’d care to admit) on whether I was doing an incredibly stupid thing by leaving. But money does not equal happiness. And reclaiming mySELF is worth more. |
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Post by javba on Sept 12, 2018 21:48:24 GMT -5
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Post by solodriver on Sept 12, 2018 23:20:13 GMT -5
Sadly yes it holds me in for now, but my plan is to leave after enough is paid down that I can support myself somewhat comfortably and be able to do the things I want to do. Right now that would be impossible/
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Post by twotimesone on Sept 13, 2018 0:36:11 GMT -5
Money is not the big issue for me. I wanted to come home with kids, even if the W drives me crazy.
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Post by lifeinwoodinville on Sept 13, 2018 0:51:56 GMT -5
I make a comfortable amount of money, and if we were to sell the house we are in I would stand to walk away with a tidy sum as the value of the house has more than doubled in the five years we have lived here.
For me, I just can't stand the thought of not seeing my kids every day. I also don't like the thought of another man playing a role in raising my kids, assuming that she were to meet someone else.
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Post by h on Sept 13, 2018 4:33:58 GMT -5
I'm neck deep in debt from credit cards and student loans with a mortgage barely above water. Our home value tanked because of a brand new housing development in our area so a decade of payments has left us with no equity in our house. I'm currently working on paying down debts and stashing cash into a savings account. I'm also trying to get my wife into a better paying job which will help us both out. If we stay together, we'll be better off financially, and if not, I may avoid alimony so I help search for new job openings and proofread her applications and resumes.
We're still working on saving our marriage for now, but if it isn't fixed before I fix our finances, I'm done. My current preparations will help us both whether we stay together or not so I can say that I'm preparing for both outcomes. Money (or lack of it) is absolutely keeping me in my marriage but I don't plan on letting that continue forever.
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Post by workingonit on Sept 13, 2018 5:14:56 GMT -5
The kids are the main thing for me too eventhough they would both 100% choose to live with me. Their stability is paramount right now.
My heart goes out to people who would lose custody of their kids or get them every other weekend or some BS. While I know kids can adapt that is not the kind of parenting I could live with. Not simple.
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Money
Sept 13, 2018 8:43:54 GMT -5
Post by javba on Sept 13, 2018 8:43:54 GMT -5
I voted no, but there are really two questions there and the answer is complex. In the end, I am determined to live a better life for myself and set a better example for my kids, and I don't care what that costs. The prospect of losing the house I figured I would one day be carried out of feet first meant nothing in comparison. The prospect of perpetual alimony is an insult, but less of an insult than staying. Ditto on all counts, Example made - Kids get it good - Dont get it no worries - they will get it ONE FUCKING DAY ? What house (speaking for myself) Bank owns about 1/2 of that at this time ;-) Hey - What insult I have such little ego - You'd be underground before I'd feel insulted. |
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Money
Sept 13, 2018 8:46:48 GMT -5
Post by javba on Sept 13, 2018 8:46:48 GMT -5
On the POLL So far the Dollar almighty is keeping up with NO
Money is complex, no surprise there
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Post by Handy on Sept 13, 2018 8:49:19 GMT -5
I could leave without going broke. If I found an affordable fixer-upper I would buy it. My other situation keeping me stuck is getting the current house ready to sell. We just have too much stuff. I have been taking things to the bargain stores and the recycling place.
I am the type to cover all the bases before I make a major move. W needs a place and I need a place.
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