grower
Junior Member
Posts: 79 
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Post by grower on Jan 16, 2020 9:08:56 GMT -5
I would like to get back to Love, unfortunately I seem to spend
way to much time dwelling on the other side of that double edged
sword. Dwelling in hate and resentment, anger and in generally
pissed to have wasted so much time. But I am resolved to end it
and am working toward that end and need to bury any remnant of
hope and move forward. Going to start to expand my personal world
meeting some folks in some local meetups in area of my interests,
mainly outdoors related stuff that have long gone by the wayside.
Need to maintain my calm and control as she is on board with the
divorce. Nothing to be gained by being anything else but civil and
nice and supportive, but there sure some nasty undercurrents bubbling
around. Glad to know I'm not the only one to beat that dead horse,
even though its been reduced to skin and bones, a few flies and bad smell.
But Hell, I did wake up above ground and it's going to be an awesome day.
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Post by carl on Jan 18, 2020 2:31:33 GMT -5
@sakat that’s an interesting author. Do you know at all what she means when she says wifely duties ?
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Post by sadkat on Jan 18, 2020 9:57:41 GMT -5
@sakat that’s an interesting author. Do you know at all what she means when she says wifely duties ? Sharon Pope is a relationship counselor. I found her through a promotion in which she gave away a free relationship book in exchange for an email address. I suppose it’s a marketing technique to gain customers. I gave her my email address in exchange for the book (which didn’t have a lot of substance- more marketing stuff, IMO). I receive periodic emails from her that are much more insightful and helpful. This quote was from her most recent email. It had a lot more background- I just copied the snippet that resounded with me. I’ll pull the detail she provided about sex and “wifely duties” and post it here for you. |
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Post by sadkat on Jan 18, 2020 12:30:13 GMT -5
carl- here is the rest of the email. 
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Post by lessingham on Jan 20, 2020 4:08:37 GMT -5
There is a weird saying I know, but cannot for the life of me place in a book or film. "That's love. Everything else is the price you pay for it." anyone know where it comes from?
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grower
Junior Member
Posts: 79
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Post by grower on Jan 21, 2020 9:32:16 GMT -5
So if you don't enjoy sex with your significant other
just don't have it because love is more than that. Knowing
your partner has needs and when they are denied they will
just have to change their needs. Do the refusers have the
knowledge pre commitment that they really are not into sex
and just put up with it early, only to yank that rug out
and make you have to play some fucking jump threw hoops game
and you probably still not get any. I guess when you don't
like something you don't miss it. Unfortunately for me, the
lack and denial of sex, does not make me feel loved, I would
hope that I would want my partners needs to be meet. If you
started out in a non sexual relationship so be it, but to be
in a sexual/loving relationship and change the rules is
psychological warfare and is not right. Trying to remove
obstacles that may hinder the mode, ie honey dues is not.
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endthegame
Junior Member
Posts: 96
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by endthegame on Jan 21, 2020 13:59:37 GMT -5
Google - Transactional Relationship. The example sadkat provided was a typical example. Healthy relationships are Reciprocal. All relationships have elements of Reciprocal AND Transactional, but the balance of healthy relationships is more reciprocal. Sex as duty, gifts through obligation, words of gratitude without honesty behind them are transactional. A lingering hand on the back or touch of the thigh, a smile with honesty, a kiss with passion, a glance across a room to your partner with love in each of your eyes are Reciprocal. It's about giving without an expectation for repayment. Without even the thought of repayment in your mind. Reciprocity develops from love. Transactional develops from duty. |
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Post by sadkat on Mar 3, 2020 23:08:40 GMT -5
Today’s message from Sharon Pope:  |
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Post by sadkat on May 6, 2020 11:29:08 GMT -5
Another message from Sharon Pope. This time it’s something we see quite frequently here:  |
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Post by Apocrypha on May 7, 2020 16:13:47 GMT -5
Very much agree with the sentiment there and the quantifiable difference in the way I showed up in my life and in my body - my person - when I accepted the truth and began acting accordingly and independently. I left room for her to change her mind, but acknowledged that was on her.
I recall the counselling session where my thinking shifted. It was particularly intense and my wife and I were arguing in it about effort and it was apparent to the counsellor and to all of us that my wife was really just angling at leaving. The counsellor asked me "What would happen in this marriage if you just let go the rope?"
Without even needing to think, I shot back "Then there would be no marriage, immediately."
To this day, I don't know if the counsellor intended me to reach the diamond-clarity I got from that accidental blurt about the truth of our relationship.
Which is that it wasn't a relationship. A marriage takes two people choosing it. Not one person trying everything to keep the other interested.
Within 60 days of that, I let go the rope.
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DrNo
Junior Member
Posts: 52
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by DrNo on May 7, 2020 17:02:59 GMT -5
Very much agree with the sentiment there and the quantifiable difference in the way I showed up in my life and in my body - my person - when I accepted the truth and began acting accordingly and independently. I left room for her to change her mind, but acknowledged that was on her. I recall the counselling session where my thinking shifted. It was particularly intense and my wife and I were arguing in it about effort and it was apparent to the counsellor and to all of us that my wife was really just angling at leaving. The counsellor asked me "What would happen in this marriage if you just let go the rope?" Without even needing to think, I shot back "Then there would be no marriage, immediately." To this day, I don't know if the counsellor intended me to reach the diamond-clarity I got from that accidental blurt about the truth of our relationship. Which is that it wasn't a relationship. A marriage takes two people choosing it. Not one person trying everything to keep the other interested. Within 60 days of that, I let go the rope. A decent way of viewing it, holding a rope ... thank you |
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Post by sadkat on Sept 17, 2020 12:24:56 GMT -5
Found this today and it hit me between the eyes. Thought I’d share it with you:
“If you keep living the way you are, what will your life look like in 20 years? Sometimes we need patience. Sometimes we need action. “.
For me- I took action. Now I’m working on patience....
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Post by greatcoastal on Sept 17, 2020 17:27:16 GMT -5
Found this today and it hit me between the eyes. Thought I’d share it with you: “If you keep living the way you are, what will your life look like in 20 years? Sometimes we need patience. Sometimes we need action. “. For me- I took action. Now I’m working on patience.... Good words to live by!! Just to expand on this....some thoughts : Some divorces take 2 years or longer. A time for patience, while continually,steadily,consisstantly,firmly, taking action. You can take action,by setting a boundary,then patiently,enforcing that boundary with a loving,nurturing attitude. Explaining to the person how it is for everyone's, greater good. Weather they ,ever want to accept these boundaries is now their problem. The same with your future endeavours, with your self healing, and future relationships. (Rome wasn't built in a day) |
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Post by sadkat on Sept 17, 2020 18:36:41 GMT -5
greatcoastal- yes, I agree. It is a series of action and patience. I’m coming up on a year of being separated and am finalizing what most would consider a very easy divorce. But it comes with lots of emotions- mainly because the life you pictured for yourself is no longer the reality. I look into my new future and have no idea what my life will look like 20 years from now. It’s a bit scary. My life also took a tangent. One that caught me by surprise. I must continually remind myself that patience is the key in the short term. Right now, there is no urgent need for action. Sometimes it’s enough to just take a break and let the immediate future unfold on its own.
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Post by sadkat on Dec 4, 2020 21:57:34 GMT -5
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