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Post by mirrororchid on Dec 7, 2020 7:35:29 GMT -5
 Today’s nugget from Sharon Pope. What do you think? Forgive necroposting, but this post reveals the motivation behind the provider half of co-dependency and I hadn't seen it so plainly before. Fulfilling a co-dependent spouse's needs and wishes gives a provider a mission, a raison d'etre. The provision for a dependent spouse brings a sense of self-worth, but that pleasure of self-worth could diminish and not be sustaining. The enabling of helplessness in the dependent spouse provides the provider with a background identity that may be removing incentive to develop an independent one. You haven't the time to take on responsibilities or hobbies, interests or dreams if your schedule is full of caretaking. A generous spouse using their receiver to dominate the bulk of their lives so they need not discover who they are? It's like stepping out of a cave and finding sunlight hurts your eyes. I've had that. I have it. It is scary. I don't respect my wife's ability to make a life for herself. Granted, she has clinical depression, I may not be entirely wrong about her capacity to live fully, but I need to have my eyes wide open and see my role in its entirety. |
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Post by workingonit on Dec 7, 2020 11:41:04 GMT -5
Today’s nugget from Sharon Pope. What do you think? Forgive necroposting, but this post reveals the motivation behind the provider half of co-dependency and I hadn't seen it so plainly before. Fulfilling a co-dependent spouse's needs and wishes gives a provider a mission, a raison d'etre. The provision for a dependent spouse brings a sense of self-worth, but that pleasure of self-worth could diminish and not be sustaining. The enabling of helplessness in the dependent spouse provides the provider with a background identity that may be removing incentive to develop an independent one. You haven't the time to take on responsibilities or hobbies, interests or dreams if your schedule is full of caretaking. A generous spouse using their receiver to dominate the bulk of their lives so they need not discover who they are? It's like stepping out of a cave and finding sunlight hurts your eyes. I've had that. I have it. It is scary. I don't respect my wife's ability to make a life for herself. Granted, she has clinical depression, I may not be entirely wrong about her capacity to live fully, but I need to have my eyes wide open and see my role in its entirety. Jumped back on the site today. Clearly I came for this post. I see the way I have avoided looking at myself in my codependency. I have been able to keep myself so busy taking care of everyone that I have avoided who I am. That is changing so dramatically this year. Starting with acute a awareness and witnessing my own instincts. |
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Post by gladifoundthisforum on Dec 7, 2020 17:06:34 GMT -5
Wow, I had never read anything about co-dependancy until I read this thread. I had heard the word, along with all sorts of other words for 'crazy people'......never thought it had anything to do with me, until now! Now I feel like a right chump for not spotting there was something really wrong. Oh well, this forum is opening my eyes at last  |
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Post by sadkat on Jul 21, 2021 20:22:25 GMT -5
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Post by baza on Jul 21, 2021 22:04:15 GMT -5
My personal belief is, that if you can't / won't make choices about your own life then you will be continually be collaterally damaged by the choices other people make about their lives.
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Post by jim44444 on Jul 22, 2021 14:44:43 GMT -5
Sounds like baza is a fan of William Blake. - William Blake |
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Post by sadkat on Jul 22, 2021 20:18:42 GMT -5
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Post by sadkat on Aug 11, 2021 21:17:06 GMT -5
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Post by baza on Aug 12, 2021 0:22:37 GMT -5
Yep.
Those "what if ?" questions can paralyse you into inertia.
But I'll stick with just one part of the post.
The bit that says - "What if, the grass isn't greener ?"
Polling within this group over the years has posed the question - to members who have been out of their ILIASM deals for at least a year - "Are you happier than you were a year ago ?"
The results of this polling continually are, that 90% of those who have been out of their ILIASM deals for at least a year, say "yes" to that question.
You might conclude from this that as far as "the grass" question goes, that the grass is indeed greener on pastures other than the barren fields of ILIASM.
If you choose to get out of your ILIASM deal, your chances of it being some huge error of judgement are pretty low.
This is NOT to suggest a headlong charge to the exit by the membership.
That choice is yours alone to consider.
Addendum .
The last poll put up was in October 2019. I'll give it a bump-up so you can have a look at it, and in particular so you can read all the comments.
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Post by mirrororchid on Aug 13, 2021 6:09:15 GMT -5
Wanted to share another post from Sharon Pope. Hopefully I’ve uploaded them in order. A strategy touted at both ILIASM and Dads Starting Over, is the idea of focusing on self-improvement with the mindset of becoming more attractive through physical fitness and building fulfilling hobbies; that this will make you a more interesting person to your spouse, whoever follows your spouse if you choose to leave, to a second lover if you outsource (assuming your spouse is a lover), or just to yourself if you stay celibate. The mechanisms for why this works may have to do with cycles of co-dependency where your spouse is too great a focus of your life. (Whether you're the provider, or the dependent) You've nothing to share with the spouse. They know everything you'd say already. They were with you the whole time. From this common life comes security and closeness, but an excess of commonality may remove a motive for curiosity. Getting to know a new love is part of the thrill. Building a life in preparation for separation may produce a sense of intrigue; an interest in you as a person. This is a source of attraction, even if just platonic. I've seen some ILIASM folk start to break bonds and suddenly refusers get very insecure. I've watched this result in counter-refusal and revulsion. The attention that refused spouses receive becomes a source of resentment. "Now that I'm leaving, you want to pay attention? NOW?" Perhaps those who are still in the "What do I have to do???!!!" frustration phase can start preparing for separation, but mindful that this very process may result in a reversal that can entrap them into resuming excessive together-time that made the marriage dull. It may not get you sex. Hoping it will can be very counterproductive, but an earnest rapport based on curiosity about the life you build without your spouse could produce more amicable roommates or exes. (or, if you must be optimistic, spouses.) Regardless of how it affects your SM, the results can benefit you in whatever follows a reconstruction of self. |
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