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Post by csl on May 2, 2020 20:48:31 GMT -5
Based on what she says, I don't think you need to worry. You can reject, or perhaps it would be better to to say postpone, sometimes, if you suggest another date and then be sure to follow through. I don't mind getting postponed for a day, occasionally. I do mind getting postponed multiple times in a row, or postponed for a week.
"Postponement" is definitely the right mindset. THIS is what rejection looks like:
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Post by workingonit on May 3, 2020 20:15:29 GMT -5
I have a question related to this topic. I want to find a website, a book to read, or a group to join, "what it's like to have a high labido partner?". I never expected to have 'such a problem', (and it's really not much of a problem) that my woman wants to have sex all the time! ( 5 times a day, Morning, noon, evening, night, 2:00am ) One woman, who's video I posted on here, calls such women a "juicy tomato, the top 10%" those who can have an orgasm in seconds. My woman is like that. Like one long ,continues flowing river, that can last for hours! She says "you have magic hands" There's also our toys. Me? I'm having to take Viagra. My sperm tank can only be filled/emptied once a day (sometimes twice). My erection (without Viagra) does not last with her on top of me, oral lasts, and she doesn't mind, but when I do take Viagra I get to give her EVERYTHING for 2 hrs, and then again later in the day. I normally ask her to "let me wait (not cum) for 2 days, so I can fill my tank". Very often I give my woman a passionate kiss. A short, passing in the kitchen, a long tight body squeeze. My way of telling her "later today, their will be more!" My mind is usually set on "the chore of the day". However she responds with ,getting extremely turned on, and instantly 'ready' telling me "drop your pants, lets go, I want more". It's a weird feeling to be the 'rejector' and to ask "can it wait?" My mind needs more time to 'be ready'. So where can I read about such things on line? Holy $hit. I almost fell out of my chair reading this. It is so cool being a witness to this whole process for you! Look at how far you have come!! I have absolutely no idea how to deal with your problem. Sounds like someone filthy rich complaining to someone in poverty that they have too much money and don't know what to do with it! But really, I am just SO HAPPY FOR YOU!! What a great problem to have compared to your old problems!
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Post by alwaysdenied on May 4, 2020 14:49:17 GMT -5
It's a good question. But many different things factor into it for me.
I think probably once or twice a week. But it would be nice to have a partner who was open to sex when approached. My W gives off the impression that she's the one longing for it and I'm the one not fulfilling her desire. And yet, it's all a ruse. MULTIPLE times I've felt she was in the mood only to find out, maybe she is but not in the mood for me. It's like she has 1 setting for me and that's no. Sometimes I'll start loving on her and try to go in for a lil rub to which she'll snap her legs closed and act like... WTF?!? Meanwhile she was open to the attention, and giving off the impression she was down by splaying her legs open all over me. I guess she gets off more on getting me to notice her only to say no.
However if she was down every time I reached for her hooha, I'm not sure if I would be doing it as much. Part of it I guess is just seeing if she will.
Also she NEVER initiates anything, so I only know one side of it. The only time she initiated anything was WAY back during infertility treatments when we had to. Then I never denied her. So I assume I wouldn't ever deny her if she was wanting to go and I was there just watching tv or going to bed. I can't imagine it honestly. In fact, I can't imagine someone not wanting to get all hot and horny if you had someone who cared for your needs.
So my long answer is.... As much as both of us wanted. That's how much sex I would want.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 4, 2020 14:56:28 GMT -5
I have a question related to this topic. I want to find a website, a book to read, or a group to join, "what it's like to have a high labido partner?". I never expected to have 'such a problem', (and it's really not much of a problem) that my woman wants to have sex all the time! ( 5 times a day, Morning, noon, evening, night, 2:00am ) One woman, who's video I posted on here, calls such women a "juicy tomato, the top 10%" those who can have an orgasm in seconds. My woman is like that. Like one long ,continues flowing river, that can last for hours! She says "you have magic hands" There's also our toys. Me? I'm having to take Viagra. My sperm tank can only be filled/emptied once a day (sometimes twice). My erection (without Viagra) does not last with her on top of me, oral lasts, and she doesn't mind, but when I do take Viagra I get to give her EVERYTHING for 2 hrs, and then again later in the day. I normally ask her to "let me wait (not cum) for 2 days, so I can fill my tank". Very often I give my woman a passionate kiss. A short, passing in the kitchen, a long tight body squeeze. My way of telling her "later today, their will be more!" My mind is usually set on "the chore of the day". However she responds with ,getting extremely turned on, and instantly 'ready' telling me "drop your pants, lets go, I want more". It's a weird feeling to be the 'rejector' and to ask "can it wait?" My mind needs more time to 'be ready'. So where can I read about such things on line? Holy $hit. I almost fell out of my chair reading this. It is so cool being a witness to this whole process for you! Look at how far you have come!! I have absolutely no idea how to deal with your problem. Sounds like someone filthy rich complaining to someone in poverty that they have too much money and don't know what to do with it! But really, I am just SO HAPPY FOR YOU!! What a great problem to have compared to your old problems! First... I want to apologize. I apologize if my question sounds like bragging. Also if my question sounds like a story of unicorns and rainbows! I remember, all to well, my own thoughts and feelings about hearing a "success" story. It didn't always make me happy. I was /am still overly cautious, and skeptical that there really are people who will treat me respectfully, and that I will find someone who ,comes close to seeing things the way I do. All part of my recovery. ( i'm workingonit ) I do not mind your money analogy, I liked it! it does make me think about how having money, power, and control CAN be a BIG problem! There's a book I like (The Millionaire Next Door) that addresses being humble. (much of this goes back to giving and receiving....I'm getting better at recieving) Then there's the part about people who read these posts, ( iurkers) who like a question, relate to it, get help from it, but... never or rarely respond. That was the audience I was targeting. I considered placing my post/questions in the opposite land forum.. I also took into consideration, how my question went along with asking " how much sex do you want?" Thank you for your uplifting, kind words of confidence! YES it is way better than my old problems! Here's to new beginnings! Hopefully, the best part of 'my question' is me trying to show that 'it is an ongoing process". I also ,vaguely remember @windsister once talking about a fear/concern " things are great, it's going on 2 years now, but.. what if it starts to die down?" (something like that) I miss her positive stories!
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Post by greatcoastal on May 7, 2020 21:44:07 GMT -5
greatcoastal - In answer to your question about receiving validation being a stress reliever. My answer is - not really- Validation makes me feel good about myself and my partner. The endorphins released during sex and orgasm give me a natural high followed almost immediately by bone deep contentment. Stress Relief is a by-product of all those things. When a man is asked why he likes sex so much and his first response is because it relaxes him and relieves stress, I would probably think he’s crazy too. It certainly wouldn’t be my first answer. I also wanted to address another comment you made about only 10% of women enjoying sex. I think the number is larger than that. Women have a hard time identifying and communicating what they want. I think there is a group of women who would genuinely enjoy sex if they could better understand their sexuality. Have you read the book “Come as You Are” by Emily Nagoski? If not, it might be worth your while. I learned a lot about myself reading this book. Hi sadkat, I just read this and wanted to share it with you. I liked the part about "A Safe Harbour". It goes back to understanding the meaning/feeling of 'relaxing'. My own woman says to me, almost every night " Come to momma bear". She wants me close to her, hugs, etc... I asked my woman " where did you learn that?" She shared with me, " I learned that from my mom. She would say that to us kids and to her husband. Mom said it means come close to me ,lets hug each other." This sounds like part of " A safe harbour". Thanks again for your feedback! medium.com/hello-love/the-one-thing-men-want-more-than-sex-98a801833e39
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Post by greatcoastal on May 11, 2020 12:37:54 GMT -5
medium.com/mind-cafe/to-guard-against-manipulation-beware-of-the-anchoring-effect-532d48bd28a2I read this and it reminded me of my past. The day I 'confronted' my now ex about sex frequency, and the huge lack of it! I still remember the night, near the end of the marriage, I tried to " set an anchor". I said, " I would like to have sex once a week." A slight pause....then her snark response, " I don't think I would EVER be ready for that!!" Nevermind the FACT/TRUTH that in the past she was quite capable (ready) for daily, or twice a day, when she wanted to get pregnant! Looking back I remember how ' convenient' that ,all of the intimacy, sex and her instigating, came to an abrupt halt once the pregnancy began, and the last child was born. Look, I understand that life gets in the way, work, children, time, weather, age, etc... But... her bracketing and anchoring really " established' the amount, frequency, and the pleasure, or -lack there of- when it came to sex and intimacy. Being in opposite land gives me the chance to also do my own anchoring. Hopefully, thankfully, I find myself being able to be quite open and honest about it. I've seen this lead to being flexible and both of us willing to change a bit to please each other I'm doing much better at "releasing my expectations" my second time around with a different person who takes and accepts things without a narcissistic approach.
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Post by Handy on May 14, 2020 18:01:58 GMT -5
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Post by csl on May 14, 2020 20:21:40 GMT -5
Uh, you do know that it is estimated that in 40% of sexless marriages, it is the wife who has the higher libido, right?
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Post by Handy on May 14, 2020 21:40:40 GMT -5
CSL ....... it is estimated that in 40% of sexless marriages, it is the wife who has the higher libido, right?
That might be true non a days but it wasn't well known 50 years ago, or at least I never heard about it until about 10 years ago.
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Post by csl on May 14, 2020 23:25:31 GMT -5
CSL ....... it is estimated that in 40% of sexless marriages, it is the wife who has the higher libido, right?That might be true non a days but it wasn't well known 50 years ago, or at least I never heard about it until about 10 years ago. Sexless marriages, except as fodder for jokes, wasn’t “a thing” before we hit 2000, either. As an anecdotal example, the woman who writes the Intimacy In Marriage blog has an interesting post today. She destroyed her first marriage with a low libido, but writes today that she believes that the method of birth control she used caused the problem that destroyed it. In today’s post, she writes about having a strong libido for her second marriage because they dropped hormonal bc. the blog can be read at intimacyinmarriage.com/2020/05/14/what-a-wifes-monthly-cycle-can-reveal-about-sexual-desire/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=what-a-wifes-monthly-cycle-can-reveal-about-sexual-desirelike me, she writes from a religious perspective, so if that ain’t your cup of tea, pass it by.
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Post by Handy on May 15, 2020 0:31:11 GMT -5
CSL ,.... she writes from a religious perspective, so if that ain’t your cup of tea, pass it by.
I can mentally filter out some of the religious commentary. I lean more to physics, chemistry, sociology, biology and other statistically relevant ideas that are proven and repeatable no matter if a person believes in them or not.
What I gathered from the link is people do not have all of the wisdom or answers when they are first married and some of the knowledge come from experiences. There is a lot to learn in life and what one believes to be true may not be true for every situation or person. Being adaptable seems to work in many situations.
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Post by baza on May 15, 2020 2:25:08 GMT -5
Interesting link there Brother csl . Looks like one of those cases where the spouse chased their own "why" in respect of sexual issues in her first marriage. And found it ! Then did something about it. And got the reward in her second marriage.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 15, 2020 7:46:20 GMT -5
CSL ....... it is estimated that in 40% of sexless marriages, it is the wife who has the higher libido, right?That might be true non a days but it wasn't well known 50 years ago, or at least I never heard about it until about 10 years ago. Sexless marriages, except as fodder for jokes, wasn’t “a thing” before we hit 2000, either. As an anecdotal example, the woman who writes the Intimacy In Marriage blog has an interesting post today. She destroyed her first marriage with a low libido, but writes today that she believes that the method of birth control she used caused the problem that destroyed it. In today’s post, she writes about having a strong libido for her second marriage because they dropped hormonal bc. the blog can be read at intimacyinmarriage.com/2020/05/14/what-a-wifes-monthly-cycle-can-reveal-about-sexual-desire/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=what-a-wifes-monthly-cycle-can-reveal-about-sexual-desirelike me, she writes from a religious perspective, so if that ain’t your cup of tea, pass it by. Thanks for sharing this! I can relate to this from the H's point of view. My now ex: Always on the pill. Low sex drive. Very fearful. Went off the pill, to get pregnant, wanted sex daily/several times a day. Insisted on breast feeding every child. Back on the pill for the rest of our SM. My current woman: No pill. No form of contraception use. Still having monthly period. Has a very high sex drive,even during her period. Wonders when her menopause will happen. ( is looking forward to it. Expects it to not slow down her labido at all) Me: Who do you think I would rather be with? ( a no brainer question!) My ex's attitude towards sex at the end of our marriage: "I don't see the need for it. It's not important. I could take it or leave it. It doesn't matter to me. It's irrelevant."
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Post by csl on May 15, 2020 21:28:20 GMT -5
Quick question--it isn't a revelation, here, that hormonal birth control can be a major reason for the cratering of feminine libido, is it?
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Post by baza on May 15, 2020 23:36:15 GMT -5
Quick question--it isn't a revelation, here, that hormonal birth control can be a major reason for the cratering of feminine libido, is it? Personally, I know that this was known in the late 1970's in my circle of acquaintances. Mind you, at that time I think the doseage levels of estrogen/testosterone or whatever were pretty big (by todays standards) and maybe side effects were more common because of that. My then missus had issues with oral contraception with side effects of being cranky a lot of the time (incidentally, in and of itself that worked as a birth control measure - in as much as I don't find cranky people very sexually desirable. So it was the bc that made her cranky, which in turn made her less desirable to me which in turn meant that there wasn't any sex going on, therefore any contraception wasn't needed !!!) So whereas oral contraception issues didn't help our marriage a real lot, I wouldn't even rate it in the top 5 contributing issues in our deal. There were bigger issues than that. As a side bar, I think that this issue (bc side effects) and similar sexual things like premature ejaculation and other common medical issues are usually addressed pretty early on in the piece, and are usually fixed pretty readily, so these sorts of "fixable" issues get fixed, and those marriages don't keep degenerating into ILIASM situations. In other words you don't see a real lot of "fixable" scenarios in this group. If they were fixable, then they got fixed back some time ago.
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