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Post by obobfla on May 22, 2016 21:11:17 GMT -5
There has been some discussion in other threads about private messaging. I realize that I am not an admin. I just thought I would share my thoughts on the subject.
First of all, we talk about some sensitive subjects here. I have given details about my life here that I have not told anyone else. In order for this forum to work, I have to have that trust in my fellow forum members.
But there are times when I need more discretion than the forum provides. I might have an issue too personal for the open forum or a personal question which a member may not want to answer in an open forum. For such instances, I use personal messages. They may not be solicited, but I don't think they are intrusive.
Because of the trust factor, I try to PM carefully. No pestering, no overtly sexual messages, and no requests for pics. If you don't answer, I got your message. No need to send any more.
That is how I handle PMs.
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Post by beguiledcinderella on May 22, 2016 21:57:53 GMT -5
When I read the phrase "unsolicited pms" I was a little confused. Does that mean only a woman should initiate a pm conversation?
I frankly quite like having a little "aside" conversation about a thread, or just in general.
Not crazy about the weirdos who just send kok pics.
U want C my huj kok?
Uh. No. Not really. Articulate as you seem there, bucko.
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Post by obobfla on May 22, 2016 22:10:57 GMT -5
One of the best aspects of the site is how we can express ourselves sexually. I would hate to have misogyny silence the women here. Just because they say they want to have sex does not necessarily mean they want to have sex with any man.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2016 0:14:31 GMT -5
I think this is a common issue on lots of forums/chatting sites. On other sites I have had people complain that I send private messages claiming everything should be written in public forums and others complaining that I should have sent something as a private message rather than making it public. It seems to depend a lot on the person receiving the message, or feeling exposed by the message if posted publicly. It would be nice having more opinions on here so we can feel more or less safe initiating a private conversation, or just know that we shouldn't. To comment on cinderella's first question, I think this sounds like the advice we got at school when it came to dating, or at least the way it felt for me: A guy should never give a girl unwanted attention, and since he can never know if attention is desired the only safe way to do that is by never giving a girl attention in the first place. It seemed to me at the time that only girls could initiate contact with the opposite gender. I have to admit that following that advice didn't turn out great for me  . Do you think it is similar to "Only women can initiate a pm conversation"? I hope my question in a way answers how I feel on the topic, but I don't want to push my view on everyone else. |
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Post by smilin61 on May 23, 2016 0:31:11 GMT -5
My only hope is that everyone tries to be respectful and kind when they talk to me. Whether its a PM, a forum thread or the checkout line at the grocery. Love the ease of blocking the bastards that don't here, tho!!! |
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Post by SweepyBear on May 23, 2016 6:45:10 GMT -5
I always saw " unsolicited pm's" as those that are basically rude and/or those that contained unwelcome sexual references. Whereas a PM that is a general comment/question etc I've always replied to and seen as fine. Constant PM's where it's obvious that the other party does not want to participate in or continue,with can be seen as a royal pain in the arse
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2016 7:32:24 GMT -5
I'm not sure that universally equating "unsolicited" with "unwanted" is the correct approach. Yes, some specific persons may be unhappy to receive any PM that they have not expressly requested. However, I don't recall very many participants publicly saying "please PM me" or asking "is it OK for me to PM you?". This makes it more likely that the majority of PM exchanges arise without express solicitation. Therefore, I agree with the relabeling of what many are calling unsolicited PM's.
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Post by Admin on May 23, 2016 8:38:09 GMT -5
This is an open forum; there is no practical way to "screen" folks on the way in. So we have to "screen them" once they start interacting here, publicly or privately. Some folks will be pesky or creepy or worse. In my view, this is just a "cost of doing business": PLEASE keep in mind the REASON for this being an open forum: we need to support folks in sexless marriages that are not yet members. They need to be able to find us, and to read, and THEN to join us. We are supporting our SM brothers and sisters by keeping an open door. My advice: • Next time you get an PM from someone you don't think you will appreciate continuing the conversation, PLEASE think "me ignoring you is a small cost to pay for helping the scores of other people who will someday join for bonafide SM reasons." • Please consider that some folks are not strong writers; I've seen posts that are pretty awkward, or even downright unclear. I feel I've seen some conversations spin out of control due to misunderstanding, and reading "awkwardness" as creepiness. • Please use the block button once anything rises to the level of "unwanted contact". See: iliasm.org/thread/223/block-button• If someone STILL doesn't get the hint from you blocking them, forward what info you have to Admin. (Use "Report Post" on public posts; and in the PM system there is a way to "Forward" a conversation -- forward it to Admin.) • Please try to not "feed the trolls". Public confrontation adds a lot of negativity here. |
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Post by itsjustus on May 23, 2016 10:33:50 GMT -5
This is an open forum; there is no practical way to "screen" folks on the way in. So we have to "screen them" once they start interacting here, publicly or privately. Some folks will be pesky or creepy or worse. In my view, this is just a "cost of doing business": PLEASE keep in mind the REASON for this being an open forum: we need to support folks in sexless marriages that are not yet members. They need to be able to find us, and to read, and THEN to join us. We are supporting our SM brothers and sisters by keeping an open door. My advice: • Next time you get an PM from someone you don't think you will appreciate continuing the conversation, PLEASE think "me ignoring you is a small cost to pay for helping the scores of other people who will someday join for bonafide SM reasons." • Please consider that some folks are not strong writers; I've seen posts that are pretty awkward, or even downright unclear. I feel I've seen some conversations spin out of control due to misunderstanding, and reading "awkwardness" as creepiness. • Please use the block button once anything rises to the level of "unwanted contact". See: iliasm.org/thread/223/block-button• If someone STILL doesn't get the hint from you blocking them, forward what info you have to Admin. (Use "Report Post" on public posts; and in the PM system there is a way to "Forward" a conversation -- forward it to Admin.) • Please try to not "feed the trolls". Public confrontation adds a lot of negativity here. This is very true. The openness of this forum, to even non-members, is a valuable find for those in SM's looking for anything, anything, to help them. That does leave an open door for perv's, but IMHO, it's more than worth someone somewhere finding the life changing discussions, support and advice I found in ILIASM. PM's are, IMHO, a huge part of the help and support that we give each other. As obobfla notes, there is a LOT of times where I have shared much more personal information with someone, and they with me, that has had a profound impact on my life and hopefully theirs, that I wouldn't post publicly. Balancing those two needs, openness and back channel communications are a key component and worth finding a solution too.
I am VERY impressed with how proactive Admin has been in monitoring post's and jumping right in to straighten out misunderstandings or just chopping off a post that's spun way out of control. I appreciate what he say's about some folks not being strong writers where their post's are awkward and hard to follow. I've struggled thru reading some, but can still see the pain that I've shared. It may be an issue with their grasp of the English language, a challenge for all of us (LOL). It's nice to see other's jump in to help from their perspective reading the same thing. But it's something to keep in mind.
All of his advice points are really great. I'm a little guilty of the last one at times, (actually...recently...he adds sheepishly...) and need to do a better job of not "poking the troll", if you will. I think I've always tried to start PM's with a large amount of respect for the person I'm PM'ing, and a polite approach, just as I would in public with someone you admire and would like to get to know better.
In another thread, Admin is actively looking for further controls and solutions to help people enjoy the openness here, the ability to have the back channel PM connections (which I think is absolutely necessary and love) and I applaud the efforts. That would be a great place for everyone to visit and give a little input.
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2016 10:34:11 GMT -5
I will share my personal experience with reporting a troll on this site. On May 11th, I submitted my concerns about a member to the Admin. Less than two weeks later, the troll was removed from this site. Reporting does work. Thank you Admin and Mod Squad! Y'all rock! |
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2016 14:36:26 GMT -5
My .02:
I like the philosophy of "no means no."
If you want to PM somebody, that in itself is not intrusive (IMHO.)
However, if that person then tells you they do not wish to discuss certain topics - and especially if they say they do not want you to PM them - you must respect their wishes.
No means no. That means it is fine to approach somebody.
But if they then show you that they don't want the attention, you must back off.
And...if somebody is bothering you, I think you need to tell them that! Trolls and other kinds of jerks are usually pretty thick; they often don't pick up polite hints. Sometimes you need to assertively tell someone, "I don't want to talk about that," or "I'm not comfortable with the way this conversation is going," or "I'm not interested. Please stop contacting me."
If they persist after you have said something like that - they deserve anything the mods unleash on them!
(That said - online, I don't scare easily and I'm pretty good at talking back to men. I know that some women are more easily offended than I am, or feel more caution than I do.)
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Post by SweepyBear on May 23, 2016 14:43:47 GMT -5
I have to say, well done to the Mods/Admin, I was privy to the repeated PM's that z (aka. Z-kitten) received and it was dealt with in an adult and proper way |
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Post by Deleted on May 23, 2016 17:23:28 GMT -5
What @smartkat said. X 1000
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Post by skguy on May 23, 2016 18:06:33 GMT -5
There has been some discussion in other threads about private messaging. I realize that I am not an admin. I just thought I would share my thoughts on the subject. First of all, we talk about some sensitive subjects here. I have given details about my life here that I have not told anyone else. In order for this forum to work, I have to have that trust in my fellow forum members. But there are times when I need more discretion than the forum provides. I might have an issue too personal for the open forum or a personal question which a member may not want to answer in an open forum. For such instances, I use personal messages. They may not be solicited, but I don't think they are intrusive. Because of the trust factor, I try to PM carefully. No pestering, no overtly sexual messages, and no requests for pics. If you don't answer, I got your message. No need to send any more. That is how I handle PMs. I too have pm'd on here. I sometimes want to give someone extra support, and I feel more comfortable in a private pm. So far, so good. I'm not out to make somebody's situation worse than they already have it. I think most people on here have been through a lot. And are going through a lot. I try to be super careful that I don't ask something inappropriate. As I'm not a woman, I don't get those harassing type pm's that some seem to get. No place for people like that here. I worry about the woman on here (men too). But mostly the women, because I think so many have been mistreated, controlled, abused, etc... Not saying that doesn't happen to men, but I think it's just different. ie. the harassing private messages that some of the women have mentioned. Someone on here told me they almost always get 'penis' pics from the men even before they've get a chance to get to know one another. So I sometimes pm because I want to give support. And sometimes I'm truly worried about welfare of some of the posters. I want them to know there are good guys out there, and we don't want to make their situation worse. Hopefully all of my pm's have been appropriate to whoever received them. |
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ModHatter
Moderator 
What kind of mad are you?
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Post by ModHatter on May 23, 2016 19:38:30 GMT -5
A note about the Block feature:
You need to use the desktop / web version of the forum to see this option in a member's profile (in the upper right corner). It's not available in the mobile web version, and I don't think that's something we can change.
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. Do you think it is similar to "Only women can initiate a pm conversation"? 
