Suggestion Box

As someone who's been choosing the "stay" option, I get the idea of having a place that acknowledges that option. Maybe it would make others more comfortable to come out of the shadows and participate.

I don't personally feel any pressure here to join the 'leave' camp, though it's the most common interest for a lot of folks who end up here, and for good reason. So, I don't feel like I'm missing a home with like-minded people, but maybe a new visitor would feel more comfortable seeing a specific section.

Thought-would it be helpful to post the running list?  Others could then comment. Or would that just be a train wreck?

One other thing (hopefully on topic !!!)
Just about every initial poster here starts in the "staying" group.

Then there's the "thinking about leaving" group.

Then there's the "actively in the process of leaving" group.

Finally there's the "left" group.

But again, the point needs to be made.
Everyone starts in the "staying" group.
Some move on from that, most don't.

So who ought the group throw their resources behind ?
Which group should take precedence ??

Personal opinion, none of them.
Or alternatively, all of them.

They are all way stations on the same line.
None is "righter" than another.
None is more "special" than another.

I don't disagree. Yet some will choose to stay in that camp.

I do think, though, that if most people come here looking to salvage their marriage, having a place for them to land will encourage them to stay, engage, and decide from there. We may enlighten them - but they may also enlighten us.

Maybe we're actually too self-selecting, which causes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Perhaps if we provided a place for the "Stay" crowd, we might find a higher incidence of "turnarounds" because we aren't pre-filtering the membership to include only the most helpless cases.

I once started a thread about coping mechanisms for those who plan to stay: iliasm.org/post/70443/thread

I know I was solidly in that camp at the time I wrote it, and I would have appreciated such a subforum.

My thinking has evolved quite a bit since then, as have my personal circumstances, and I'm seriously considering leaving. But the idea is still a good one - I still think that the "divorce by default" vibe here is frightening people away, and it would be great if ILIASM was a resource for those who want to stay and try to fix, or stay and try to cope.

We could all put in our respective 2c worth about "what we think this group *should* be all about".

Just as we can - and do - put our 2c worth about "what we think an ILIASM deal *should* be all about"

And since the group opened (2 and a bit years ago ?) it has been evolving into "what it IS" ever since.
And no doubt it will continue to evolve to wherever the membership drives it to in the future.

In the old EP group, it was simplicity itself to open up a new group.
And people did.
Groups like - "I'm Trying To Save My Marriage", "I Am Married To A Psychopath", even groups like "I Am Staying In My Sexless Marriage" etc. There were hundreds of such groups dealing with marital matters. And in among them, a group called "I Live In A Sexless Marriage".
That group, founded by some bloke called Stinkat14 back in 2006 or thereabouts, took off like a rocket.
And it started to attract people putting in their 2c worth.
Something must have resonated, because by the time I joined (Feb 2009) there were about 4k members.
And the content of the group then was very very similar to what we see in this current group now.
And that old ILIASM EP group ended up with 50,000+ members by the time EP folded under its' own incompetency in about March 2016.
Other groups, like the "I'm Trying To Save My Marriage", "I Am Married To A Psychopath", "I Am Staying In My Sexless Marriage" etc never took off in any noticeable way.

Whatever the content of EP ILIASM was in early days, it clearly resonated with enough people to join it, and contribute to it, and drive its' direction. And that direction obviously resonated with more people who joined and made their own contributions, and so on and so on.

I would imagine, that somewhere on the net, there is a thriving community under the banner of "I Plan On Staying In My Sexless Marriage" where the membership discuss the best ways of doing this, what strategies work and what don't.
I imagine this, because I've never looked to be perfectly honest.
It is not a subject matter that I am particularly interested in - and that is not to denigrate such a group in any way.

However, if anyone can be arsed looking for such a group, I'd like to know its' title, so if anyone blunders in here saying "I Plan On Staying In My Sexless Marriage" I could quote that group to them.

It would also be worth noting that our group is minuscule in the bigger scheme of things.
A bit over 1K members. EP had 50k.
After 2 years growth to (2008) EP had about 4k members.
After 2 years growth here (2018) we've got 1k and a pretty stagnant growth rate.

This is NOT a large and influential group.

All that said, I'd have no objection whatsoever to a sub group "I Plan To Stay In My Sexless Marriage" within this group.
I don't see any harm in that at all.
Nor would I predict a bright and burgeoning future for it if it was established.

Only Admin can make this change. We’ll have to wait and see.