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Post by northstarmom on Oct 16, 2022 11:21:49 GMT -5
When I was using an on-line dating site, I reached out to men even on the opposite coast. Why? There were few men in my area that matched what I was looking for. I also was willing to travel -- on my own dime -- to meet someone, and I was open to moving out of my own area. Not all women are looking for a sugar daddy. In fact, a lot of women who love to travel are perfectly happy doing it on their own.
One of my friends was in her late 60s when she connected via a dating site with a man who lived 260 miles away. After emailing and talking on the phone, they met in person when she flew through his city. They ended up falling in love. He moved to her city, and they've been married now for more than 10 years.
Frankly, if I lived in a rural area with few prospects and I wanted to find love, I'd move to an area with more possibilities. I wouldn't stay put while wishing and hoping for Prince Charming. I wouldn't view it as an "alibi" if men would not want to drive 150 miles to see me. Frankly, most people who live in metro areas aren't going to want to move to be with someone in a rural area. Why should they when they probably love where they are and can find love nearby.
GC said: "The last woman I dated ( Rafaela- my relationship of 3 years) lived 2 miles from me. She also moved in with me very soon after we met. I'm used to having someone to come home to daily, who desires you, for all the right reasons, ... I miss that!"
I think it's possible that you're so eager to have someone to come home to that you move too quickly in the relationship and that can cause you to end up with someone like Rafaela, who though she was a step up from your ex, still didn't treat you well.
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Post by worksforme2 on Oct 16, 2022 11:22:05 GMT -5
Interesting article. I did meet a woman on POF who initially appealed to me. I have been talking with her for about a month. She has recently had knee surgery and has been dealing with a # of issues following that. I commented to her that just like the old POF I get likes from women who are far away. I am off the site but I keep getting likes. So far in a month I have over 70. My new lady friend says she has over 400. What does that say about the ratio of men to women? Neither of us are paying members so we can't see who it is that "likes" us or how far away they are. One thing in the article I definitely agree with is that a man is much better off looking for a connection in real life. I have been far luckier meeting women while shopping than from the time I spent on dating sites. Grocery shopping seems to offer the best opportunity in my opinion. I may do as you have done and look at the local Senior center or county Recreation Dept to see if any dance classes are being offered. Never hurts to know your way around a dance floor.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 16, 2022 12:03:53 GMT -5
When it comes to gender ratios, I think age matters. Due to the male:female ratio overall becoming increasingly in males' favor as people age, while the ratio is in women's favor for people in their teens, 20s, and probably in their early 30s, for older people, the ratio is more and more in men's favor. Add to that men tend to want to date women who are younger than they are. Check out the ratios on this site that looks at male:female ratios on diffeent dating sites. Here are example:s ". SilverSingles — 41% Men, 59% Women SilverSingles is a senior dating site that caters to mature people in the dating market. Its over-50 age requirement naturally encompasses more female users than male users. Nearly 60% of SilverSingles members identify as senior women." "Christian Mingle — 44% Men, 56% Women Christian Mingle touches the heart of the Christian community by inspiring God-centered relationships. The niche dating site has over 15 million members, primarily in the U.S., and the male-to-female ratio is indicative of its broad appeal. An estimated 56% of Christian Mingle members are women, and the other 44% are men. It ranks among the top dating apps for women in the dating pool." ". OurTime — 48% Men, 52% Women OurTime has a strong following in the senior dating community. Over 1 million people have signed up to the niche dating site or downloaded the dating app, and they are all looking for dates in the over-50 age group. The female-to-male ratio is almost 50:50, but women have a slight edge — probably due to the fact that women live longer than men do." www.datingadvice.com/online-dating/dating-site-male-to-female-ratios
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 16, 2022 19:50:12 GMT -5
I dated someone over the summer, had video dates with for eight months and and thought he was the one until I realized what he wanted was just sex. I had to let him go. He balked about driving to see me as he lived an hour away and wanted me to drive. Was inflexible and relentless about getting me to spend the night on the second date. Last month I ended another relationship because the man had poor boundaries, love bombed me and was overly needy. I shouldn’t have taken him back twice and finally ended it with the third breakup. He threatened to drink again and take his own life on the first break up. Do I wish I’d handled that much better and realized right away? Of course. Am I getting better at dating? Yes. Humans are social. We love to be connected to others and we love to be loved by others. We will put up with a lot of things we shouldn’t just to get those feelings. That includes abuse. Many people put up with both subtle and overt abuses early in their relationships. Why? Because they fear being alone or not being “loved”. Here’s the thing to remember, however. Abuse isn’t love. If someone is subjecting you to physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, material, or sexual abuse early in a relationship…they don’t love you. If they’re gaslighting you, making you feel scared, cornered, forced, or otherwise coerced…they don’t love you. And they won’t come to love you. Things will only get worse. And... BRAVO to you for seeing the light! Do you think it's your co-dependency that you're still recovering from? That's the case for me. While still recovering , realizing and changing my behavior, getting stronger and better, I still make mistakes and learn from them! I'm certainly NOT perfect!! ( here's an example) When I'm dancing with a new partner, half way through the dance I find myself missing a step, or getting my timing off. I tell my partner " sorry! My bad. I got that wrong- I took a rock step!" And they say "that's okay, at least you're out here trying!" and we continue the dance. I ask " let's try that again?" and I get it right, with her or the next partner. Life is a learning dance lesson! "may I have the next dance?"
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 16, 2022 20:41:01 GMT -5
I may do as you have done and look at the local Senior center or county Recreation Dept to see if any dance classes are being offered. Never hurts to know your way around a dance floor. Check out the Moose lodge, Elk's Lodge and your local Civic center. Then there's any place in a one hour radius that teaches dance. Give them a call and ask for places to go dancing near you! ( Here in Fl. A group lesson is $10.00. lasts an hour. than 2 hrs. of open dance. Food and drinks is often included. The women there will gladly tell you where they go dancing!) There are bars that give free lessons on ladies night! You can go for the dancing, food and socializing, if you're not into drinking. Do you remember Becca? She used to post on here,from Georgia. She would talk about dancing with the older men at the retirement centers. ( I might be misquoting her, so forgive me!) She said " It's good for everyone, the older men certainly like dancing with me and I have a good time helping them, and I learn a lot. it gets me ready for when I meet that special guy, more my age who likes to dance!"
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 17, 2022 6:26:53 GMT -5
2) OKcupid, if I recall properly, allows you to specify a range and say you won't consider anyone further than a given range. I didn't run into any pretenders with bullhorns from two states away. 2) Match and Bumble 'claim' to do the same thing. They allow you a age range and a location radius. Then they break it and send you"likes from women outside those barriers.
2) OKcupid has a system where it asks your preferences, then it asks what preferences your match gives that are acceptable. Match and Bumble may take the distance into account, but may not be making them "deal-breakers" while OKcupid isn't afraid to come up dry? 3) Not sure where the pawn/revenge stuff came up when it came to having two lovers because they want you that way. 3) Actions not words. Sadly their are those who are still married, engaged, have a steady relationship, going through a divorce,financial difficulties, etc.... and will use you against some one else, and then they're done. No one night stands or being ghosted after the first date for me!
Too many people fool themselves into making poor decisions. Infidelity is one of those poor decisions. Some people think that their attraction to another person is a justification for cheating, but it’s not. If you start your relationship with someone by being the “other person” who helps them cheat, you can’t expect any less for yourself in the future. There’s no fairy tale endings for relationships that start in lies and subterfuge.3) It seemed that a lusty approach seems to correlate in your mind with rash decisions. Perhaps you're right. If there are no ill-advised emotional instabilities at teh heart of it, are short term whirlwind romance's (sexcapades) or no interest? It sounds like it. You're hooked on the lifemates thing. I might be too. Never tried a short time thing, myself. 5) Maybe on that other thread, or here, you dated 4 women at the same time. In person? 5) ... ( one told me " I must be honest with you, I still have feelings for my ex and am not ready")5) Very self-aware. Or a really gentle way to trun a guy down. Nice. Comes off classy either way. 6) Were you always in a "choose the best one" mode? Were they? Was it a mix? 6)...Studies show that men tend to be more open to dating all kinds of women. Women tend to be much more picky/selective. I was pleased with the over 90 women who showed an interest in me, during my season on the on line dating scene.
Ava told me " many of the women like you a lot. They are very interested in you, they talk about you all the time"6) And it's just impossible to love more than one. Seems cruel of the world to disappoint 89 of them. 7) Did you have those that wouldn't take things further until you dismissed the other three? 7) One at a time. There was never anyone else. One of the women specifically told me " after phone conversations , I go out on a date, then I take down my profile". Almost all of the women I dated or spoke with would want to be sure that 'their was no one else that I was dating'. I offered that every time.
These women have the words " looking for a long term relationship" in their profile. ( mine says that too) Some say " looking for marriage".7) Good to know that LTR is conflated with exclusivity that way. I use OK cupid and it lets you specifically choose non-monogamous women, but some specify they want only LTRs too. The non-monogamy dating pool is, unsurprisingly, a lot smaller. 8) Were any of them indifferent to your dating others? Is an open relationship still capable of commitment and trust? 8) Once I had two women hit the "like" button at the same time. We talked on the phone. Their names where practically identical. Sherry and Cheryl. Man ..did I butcher that!! LOL! I got their names backwards! I told the truth from the beginning. " yes. I am just getting to know both of you at the same time. You were both minutes apart." They understood and where okay with it. They both were not my 'dating material - they wanted attention, that's it! ( more on that some other time)8) Maybe do that one first on your online dating thread. 9) That's why dating one at a time is a problem. It's waiting. You're soaking up time with the wrong person, and the right person you turned down for coffee because you're "seeing someone". 9) ) Is it a problem? Waiting has it's advantages, I get to be 'single' again. A short time for healing, reflecting, some self indulgence. And with friends 'like my dance instructor' they are ready to set you up with someone else. Eva introduced me to some of her female friends. I danced with them, they are single. Word gets around that you are available again. More fish in the sea!
People get caught up in dating sites, thinking" what if I miss that special someone/ or is there someone better out there?" A year from now their will still be plenty of good choices.
Plus, with every date that you get beyond "coffee", you learn more about yourself, your needs, and how to be firm and when to compromise.9) Ah. Your wait times are potentially so brief your new prospect opportunities greatly mediate the missed opportunities issue. Noted. Dance classes can be very very good for your love life. 10) "Players" do get a bad rap, to be sure, 10) This is new ground for me... There seems to be a group of women close to my age who want nothing more than a social life full of partying at much older wealthy man's houses and calling them their 'good friend'.
How quickly the other women said " she's a player, not what you want". I don't want that reputation... ( a player) or that I 'strike out a lot'. Fortunately that has not been my story.10) Hm. That strikes me as a golddigger, not a player, though they can be both. There need to be multiple sugar-daddies. Players may or may not strike out much, but they're hitting more "home runs". Some find this repugnant. My key concern is the deception part of "playing". A smaller concern is the self-deception players' companions can give themselves that eventually teh player will choose them exclusively. Maybe it works enough that the dream is a reasonable one. Never been a player, but when I was dating, it had been my intent, but another distinction. Many players expected exclusivity from their lovers, that was never my expectation. I chose married women only, so the obligation and domination of time part was not a factor. You might be able to pull off such a thing, but it sounds as though the traditional model is your preference and your reported crowd of interested candidates gives you the luxury of stretching out each "interview". Good on ya. 11) After your sexless marriage, a married lover is out of the question? Even with their husband's awareness and at least tacit consent? It's a line some won't cross, sure. 11) I don't want to go there. I'm in the market for a long term commitment ( that definition is used on dating sites like Bumble and Match) I've read countless articles that warn you " a married lover goes back to their H/W." I thought I had a long term commitment with my prior 3 yr relationship. Who knew commitment phobia would step in?
11) You seemed to find value in that three year relationship. Might even justify calling it a "near miss". And would a lovely relationship (with spouses knowledge) after three years be a bad thing? How long is "long term"? Not that it matters. It isn't your taste/style. Some of this nuance and clarification is for others' benefit if they read this. 12) Problem with that waiting a year for Ms. Promising-but-still-married? She links up with someone else in ten months and your traditionalism rules her out. (Is "seeing someone" a shield against you, or must there be a ring involved? 12) I've considered putting her in the " friend" zone. Someone I can council too about recovering from a divorce, and tread cautiously, setting boundaries. Who knows what can evolve, a year from now? Their are stories of friends who end up with long term commitment or marriage. 12) Long as it doesn't become "stringing along" or a painful, envious "using". (not intentional, but perceived.) Not much you can do, perhaps.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 18, 2022 15:45:53 GMT -5
5) ... ( one told me " I must be honest with you, I still have feelings for my ex and am not ready")
5) Very self-aware. Or a really gentle way to trun a guy down. Nice. Comes off classy either way.
It may seem classy... but I didn't see it that way.
Me and this woman met on Match. We had 3 lengthy conversations by phone. We met for our first 'date' for an early morning workout together at the gym and then breakfast at a local cafe'. All went very, very well! We actually managed to keep thing lite. I asked to see her again, another date/ She readily, and gladly agreed! We even discussed other places in the state that we could visit together for half day trips!
Then, the very next day, came the text " I still have feelings for my ex". My question : Then why are you even putting yourself out there on a dating sight? My conclusion: To get attention, to use men to make herself feel good!
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 18, 2022 16:17:25 GMT -5
6) Were you always in a "choose the best one" mode? Were they? Was it a mix?
6)...Studies show that men tend to be more open to dating all kinds of women. Women tend to be much more picky/selective. I was pleased with the over 90 women who showed an interest in me, during my season on the on line dating scene.
Ava told me " many of the women like you a lot. They are very interested in you, they talk about you all the time"
6) And it's just impossible to love more than one. Seems cruel of the world to disappoint 89 of them.
I disappointed 89 of them! LOL! I wish that was the case! No, no.... it's the other way around! On Match they send you the woman's picture and say "________- contacted you it's now your turn to respond".
Respond? Respond to what? There's no words sent to me from these women! They viewed my profile,and /or hit a "like" button....that's it! However , %100 have the opportunity to say something, to send a message with their like. ( I do that %100 of the time. I responded politely, with open questions and compliments, asking for to chat, have a conversation. And got no response. That gets old)
There was one woman who I posted back to " Do you even exist? Are you even reading this? Are you a bot? "
Weeks went by- then I heard from her! She said " sorry I was oversees for 3 weeks ( and had little to say)... I wasn't buying it.... why put yourself out there and not be available?
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 18, 2022 16:42:46 GMT -5
GC: "Then, the very next day, came the text " I still have feelings for my ex". My question : Then why are you even putting yourself out there on a dating sight? My conclusion: To get attention, to use men to make herself feel good!"
You're being very harsh on her. She may have realized that after the date. Something may have happened after the date that triggered her feelings for her ex or she may have been letting you down easy. It can be hard for women to directly say, "sorry, not interested," because some men become abusive when rejected directly. Men do the same, "I'll call soon," or "Let's get together again soon," they'll say at the end of a date and then crickets....These experiences are disappointing but are a normal part of dating, especially during the early stages of dating someone.
An example of why it's wise to take your time before deciding that anyone might be the one.
"Respond? Respond to what? There's no words sent to me from these women! They viewed my profile,and /or hit a "like" button....that's it! However , %100 have the opportunity to say something, to send a message with their like. ( I do that %100 of the time. I responded politely, with open questions and compliments, asking for to chat, have a conversation. And got no response. That gets old)"
I think your experience is probably true for most people on dating sites. A lot of people just "like" or "wink" but say nothing else. To me, they either are boring people who don't know how to open a conversation or they are just playing around on the site. When I was on such sites, I didn't see any reason to respond to someone who basically said nothing.
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 25, 2022 4:45:46 GMT -5
5) ... ( one told me " I must be honest with you, I still have feelings for my ex and am not ready") 5) Very self-aware. Or a really gentle way to trun a guy down. Nice. Comes off classy either way. It may seem classy... but I didn't see it that way.
Me and this woman met on Match. We had 3 lengthy conversations by phone. We met for our first 'date' for an early morning workout together at the gym and then breakfast at a local cafe'. All went very, very well! We actually managed to keep thing lite. I asked to see her again, another date/ She readily, and gladly agreed! We even discussed other places in the state that we could visit together for half day trips!
Then, the very next day, came the text " I still have feelings for my ex". My question : Then why are you even putting yourself out there on a dating sight? My conclusion: To get attention, to use men to make herself feel good! northstarmom covered my thoughts, but I'd add that someone as likeable as her had multiple offers and may have thought her white lie was nicer than, "I liked this other guy better." Some fellas may feel better about losing to a ghost of her past and as NorthStarMom says, some guys get hostile when rejected. If it's self defense, it's rather clever. The alternative that would be most suitable for society would be a debriefing of constructive criticism on both sides as to what made the match less desirable. This would not be well met by those hot tempered dudes. Guys like me with an insecurity streak would remove our profile for several months. I daydream about a dating service where such critiques would be the entire goal. Not getting second dates? Date a pro who'll give you a rundown of the stuff your other dates might not have liked. If you feel like letting loose with all the things the pro did "wrong", you may have found an issue to address. $40 for an hour and you pick up the dinner tab. If you schedule your date for McDonalds, I'll provide you her first bullet point free of charge.
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Post by mirrororchid on Oct 25, 2022 4:55:41 GMT -5
6) Were you always in a "choose the best one" mode? Were they? Was it a mix? 6)...Studies show that men tend to be more open to dating all kinds of women. Women tend to be much more picky/selective. I was pleased with the over 90 women who showed an interest in me, during my season on the on line dating scene. Ava told me " many of the women like you a lot. They are very interested in you, they talk about you all the time" 6) And it's just impossible to love more than one. Seems cruel of the world to disappoint 89 of them. I disappointed 89 of them! LOL! I wish that was the case! No, no.... it's the other way around! On Match they send you the woman's picture and say "________- contacted you it's now your turn to respond".
Respond? Respond to what? There's no words sent to me from these women! They viewed my profile, and /or hit a "like" button....that's it! However , %100 have the opportunity to say something, to send a message with their like. ( I do that 100% of the time. I responded politely, with open questions and compliments, asking for to chat, have a conversation. And got no response. That gets old)
There was one woman who I posted back to " Do you even exist? Are you even reading this? Are you a bot? "
Weeks went by- then I heard from her! She said " sorry I was oversees for 3 weeks ( and had little to say)... I wasn't buying it.... why put yourself out there and not be available?"She" probably was overseas for three weeks. Still is. Bot farms and romantic con men are commonly based abroad. Nigerian princes are rarely stateside. I wonder if those bots swipe right on every single guy like some guys swipe right on every single woman. Then it scans the bachelors' response message and profile for key words that indicate wealth or gullibility or desperation and you flunked their test. Damn. That'd be impressively evil. AI to soak the lonely. I was messaging only married/poly women. That may explain my high response rate. (Melisssa and Kathy, 2 out of 5, 40%) They aren't focusing on picking "the best one", they are fine with responding to twenty and whittling it down to...three or four. The dystopian nightmare that is online dating is brutally described on articles on the subject. Your result was super common.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 26, 2022 20:25:15 GMT -5
Two weeks ago I ran into Rafaela at Walmart! We have not seen each other since she bolted 10 months ago. We have had one conversation on the phone. That conversation was 2 1/2 months after her leaving ,and her trying to come back...and me saying NO,....goodbye!
I had to make a split second decision, to avoid her or speak to her? I chose to speak to her.
I tapped her on the shoulder, stepped away and said " hi there! Do you want to speak to me? Do you even want me near you?"
She immediately said " HELLO!! Of course!" Then she grabbed me. Threw her body up against mine , gave me a big face plant kiss, full body hug and would not let go!
My mind said " OMG! What is she thinking!"
She said " How are you? You look good! How have you been?" (With a a hand on my arm, just like old times)
We had small talk...mostly her talking, me listening. Much of the same...her not liking her job...her landlords health deteriorating, possibly needing another apartment. Not a word about the boyfriend, or how happy, happy, happy, she is,all the time?! (I didn't ask)
She did tell me she is on speaking terms with her daughter again and now has a second grand daughter. ( my thoughts where...sadly your daughter is sponging off of you again, for your time and money)
She told her side of the story...how the neighbors are asking for her to come and visit!! (not what the neighbor says!) This also leads up to her saying " I see you bought a jetski?" I play it down and say " it's for me and my son, he uses it a lot" She asks " don't you use it?" I say " occasionally, on the local river". (this.. from the woman who gets sea sick and wanted nothing to do with the water)
After all my listening I let her know that I was taking dance lessons and I told her " their are so many places to go dancing around here. I can go to 3 different places every night 7 days a week!"
She responded with a vague, " oh, that's nice." ( the same woman who always rejected my offer to go dancing or take dance lessons together. - her fear of commitments)
I did not mention any women that I have dated , and she didn't ask.
She said "you can call me sometime". I responded, " you blocked me from your phone, remember?" She said" it's not blocked".
( I haven't called her, or plan on calling anytime soon)
I then said" I need to get going." ( a brief pause) then said " Thank you for 3 wonderful years together!" I then kissed her on the forehead ( like loving a child)
I was walking away and she said "YES!! ..Thank you too! I was wrong for what I did to you and wrong for leaving you!"
I kept walking.
It brought back a flood of old thoughts. I still stand by my decision, that I've made the right choice....I'll be honest, my mind weakens sometimes, the temptation creeps in,but after 10 months of being separated, it doesn't last!
It's been good to meet new people ( men and women) and experience new relationships, good and bad!
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Oct 27, 2022 18:49:26 GMT -5
Don't keep me hanging. Give us the deets. What was in Rafaela's shopping cart. Two weeks ago I ran into Rafaela at Walmart! We have not seen each other since she bolted 10 months ago. We have had one conversation on the phone. That conversation was 2 1/2 months after her leaving ,and her trying to come back...and me saying NO,....goodbye! I had to make a split second decision, to avoid her or speak to her? I chose to speak to her. I tapped her on the shoulder, stepped away and said " hi there! Do you want to speak to me? Do you even want me near you?" She immediately said " HELLO!! Of course!" Then she grabbed me. Threw her body up against mine , gave me a big face plant kiss, full body hug and would not let go! My mind said " OMG! What is she thinking!" She said " How are you? You look good! How have you been?" (With a a hand on my arm, just like old times) We had small talk...mostly her talking, me listening. Much of the same...her not liking her job...her landlords health deteriorating, possibly needing another apartment. Not a word about the boyfriend, or how happy, happy, happy, she is,all the time?! (I didn't ask) She did tell me she is on speaking terms with her daughter again and now has a second grand daughter. ( my thoughts where...sadly your daughter is sponging off of you again, for your time and money) She told her side of the story...how the neighbors are asking for her to come and visit!! (not what the neighbor says!) This also leads up to her saying " I see you bought a jetski?" I play it down and say " it's for me and my son, he uses it a lot" She asks " don't you use it?" I say " occasionally, on the local river". (this.. from the woman who gets sea sick and wanted nothing to do with the water) After all my listening I let her know that I was taking dance lessons and I told her " their are so many places to go dancing around here. I can go to 3 different places every night 7 days a week!" She responded with a vague, " oh, that's nice." ( the same woman who always rejected my offer to go dancing or take dance lessons together. - her fear of commitments) I did not mention any women that I have dated , and she didn't ask. She said "you can call me sometime". I responded, " you blocked me from your phone, remember?" She said" it's not blocked". ( I haven't called her, or plan on calling anytime soon) I then said" I need to get going." ( a brief pause) then said " Thank you for 3 wonderful years together!" I then kissed her on the forehead ( like loving a child) I was walking away and she said "YES!! ..Thank you too! I was wrong for what I did to you and wrong for leaving you!"I kept walking. It brought back a flood of old thoughts. I still stand by my decision, that I've made the right choice....I'll be honest, my mind weakens sometimes, the temptation creeps in,but after 10 months of being separated, it doesn't last! It's been good to meet new people ( men and women) and experience new relationships, good and bad!
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 27, 2022 21:28:06 GMT -5
Don't keep me hanging. Give us the deets. What was in Rafaela's shopping cart. LOL!! I did take a glance at what she was buying! We both had those little blue hand held baskets. She had a pair of garden gloves, in her basket and that was it! ( I was shopping for little smokies sausage bites, brown sugar, bacon, and BBQ sauce. I'm making treats for all these Halloween dances!) I did reach out and touch her hair,and commented on how she cut it short. It happened so naturally after 3 years of constantly love, love, loving, to touch, comb, and stroke her gorgeous ,dark brunette, Italian hair!! She then went into this 'Debbie Downer' tyrant about letting her hair go, and not coloring it anymore, etc... She didn't sound very happy..
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 19, 2022 6:23:56 GMT -5
medium.com/practical-growth/online-dating-has-3-major-flaws-to-deal-with-28c1631d6dd Online Dating Has 3 Major Flaws: Here’s What You Need to Know About Them Before you leap into the dating pool, make sure you avoid these dangers lurking beneath the surface.The year is drawing to a close, and that’s got many people thinking about their relationships. As the days get shorter and the nights get colder, it can be tempting to look for company. Who wants to be alone, after all, at family celebrations and New Year’s blowouts? There aren’t many who enjoy ringing in another year solo. For a huge number of these people, dating apps become the focus. Flocking to their phones, they’re already swiping through piles of other mutual hopefuls who may fill up the person-sized hole that scares them so much. While doing some research on this trend, I came across a fascinating article from Mark Travers, PhD. In it, he broke down the power of online dating — specifically dating apps — and what they’re doing to the landscape of love and personal connection. Because the brutal truth is this, as desperate as we are for company…dating apps aren’t always the perfect answer we hope for. Sure, digital dating can widen your options. But is that really a good thing? Sometimes, yes, but it comes with some important downfalls to remember too. (Before you invest in something you regret. Online connections are real world contenders.The digital dating frenzy came to its rise in the early 2000s, with websites like Plenty-o-Fish and Hello Cupid. Now, apps like Hinge and Bumble provide people with the ability to make new romantic connections. It’s become a core part of relationship culture in America and beyond. But there are serious downsides to online dating that we don’t always consider. Yes, when we get online, we’re able to create more options for ourselves. There’s a lot more choice on the internet, and we’re free to get more specific about our needs and our desires when we’re choosing from the endless buffet of romantic options out there. But those options are a problem. Among many others, having too much choice can make us value the people we have in front of us less than we should. The issues don’t stop there, though. There’s a lot of anonymity that comes with dating online and it can create walls that are hard to overcome. Conflict of interest is also apparent, though we usually ignore this with hearts in our eyes on the way down. The 3 biggest flaws with online dating.As Tavers’ acknowledged, online dating isn’t perfect. Dating apps can be powerful tools, but they can also come with some serious pitfalls. You must acknowledge these major flaws as well, unless you want to risk getting swept up in something you seriously regret. A buffet of choiceDigital dating is a major temptation. A lot of that comes down the wide choices it offers. You have so many more options when you’re swiping through an app or scrolling through a website. It’s an all-you-can-eat buffet that allows you to get really specific about what you want. That choice can be a great thing. Especially if you’re stuck in a small town and you’re looking for a way out. It doesn’t work out, though, when you get caught up in a “grass is always greener” loop. That’s the flaw. Having too much choices makes us more prone to think that there’s always a better option. People who adopt this belief can bounce through relationships, never getting more than surface deep. Because they’re always looking for better options, they never learn to appreciate what they have in front of them. Total anonymityAnonymity is nice. Especially in this increasingly digital world where it feels like someone is always watching. It’s a real hassle in the dating world, though, especially where all these dating apps and websites are concerned. When you’re too anonymous with online dating, you get a toxic combination. This ability to change your shape and hide your reality is what creates more behaviors, like: Catfishing Ghosting Cheating There’s no accountability. You can only be accountable when you’re honest about who you are. Hiding your real life allows you to create fantasies. Those fantasies hurt others, though, when they attach to them with love and optimism. When we’re building genuine love, we have to be real, open, and present. There’s accountability with it too. We have to be our true selves in order to build trust and to be vulnerable with someone else. Commercial driveWe can’t escape one really hard reality about these dating apps and dating websites (especially heavy hitters like Hinge or Tinder). Ultimately, dating apps exist to create profit. They need you to return to them, to pay them for new connections, and to seek love with a “grass is greener” mentality. They need you coming back for more. And if they need you to come back, how serious can they be about helping you to find actual love?There’s a distinct conflict of interest between what these digital platforms promise, and what they actually offer. Gamification, updates, and a smorgasbord of choice make it harder for their users to gain that meaningful connection they really crave…and these companies know that. So in the end, we have to use these apps like anything else produced by a major corporation — with suspicion and levity. We can’t take what they promise too seriously. We have to keep our hearts open to meeting the right people in the real world, too. Are you cut out for online dating?Let’s be honest: Not everyone can make it in the digital dating realm. medium.com Finding love in the modern age. Even though digital dating has some major issues, it can still be a powerful tool in finding love in the modern age. Intentions are key. What you put in is what you get out of it. At the same time, dating apps and websites don’t have to be the end-all and be-all of your search for love. Finding love in the modern age is still possible offline, too. Keep your mind and your heart open. Look for people who have common interests, or who take a similar approach to life as you. Take your time. There’s no point rushing into something you want to hold on to forever. If you plan on it taking up a long time in your life, expect taking some decent time to build it. Be proactive. Don’t sit on the sidelines and wait for “fate” to hand you some fantasy partner. Create a life you love and become the caliber of partner you want to attract. Get social. Put yourself out there, and connect with people who are working toward the same goals in their lives. Want to go the dating app route? Be clear with yourself and any potential matches about what you’re looking for. Never allow your boundaries to be crossed and don’t settle for anyone who isn’t showing up as the right kind of potential partner from the start.Have you found love in the digital world? Did you meet your partner on a dating app or on a dating website? There’s no right or wrong way to find the partner you need. If you haven’t found that partner yet, stay strong. The person you really need is out there, but you have to put yourself on the path to them. Stay true to yourself and be kind to yourself. We all bloom in love when the time is truly yours.
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