|
Post by obobfla on Sept 18, 2019 17:51:00 GMT -5
linkhttps://www.popsugar.com/love/photo-gallery/38748574/image/38749893/Hot-Canadian-MenThanks for the replies ladies. He did initiate last night, which was nice, but I also realize it's part of a larger pattern/cycle. Dry spell -> venting -> sex -> dry spell. On and on. I told him I didn't want it if he was just initiating because I was mad, and he denied that, but I know it's not just a coincidence. While lack of attraction certainly could be the issue, I'm not convinced it's the problem in most cases that involve porn. Men fall into porn use not because they are not attracted to their wives, but because it offers something nobody can compete with -- namely, unrealistic bodies and effortless gratification. It's easier, and involves no work. In some individuals' minds, looking at images is akin to the real thing -- while for others it can never replace a real body. It's a certain type of individual, I think. Again though I don't know if that's what my husband is doing. It could be an attraction issue, and if that is the case, he's done us all a great disservice by marrying someone he's not attracted to. I left my family, country and job for this... At any rate, I'm still working on exit plans should they need to be executed. When I reach the point that I just want to go - NOW - I want to be able to go without the worry that I can't live independently here. I don't feel as worried now, nor as powerless. Despite these unusual obstacles, I think I will be able to get out when/if it becomes apparent there is no solution. Yes, men who watch porn are lazy. It requires a lot less effort than a real relationship. But I see a lot of resentment and self doubt coming from you. And I don’t blame you - I went through that. So have the vast majority of the people on this forum. There is a cure. While having an affair is problematic, you at least need a man to acknowledge that you are a sexy woman. You’re also homesick. To help you feel better, I am including this link. Remember, all the men pictured think you are hot and want you to come back across the border.
|
|
|
Post by sadkat on Sept 18, 2019 20:03:54 GMT -5
linkhttps://www.popsugar.com/love/photo-gallery/38748574/image/38749893/Hot-Canadian-MenThanks for the replies ladies. He did initiate last night, which was nice, but I also realize it's part of a larger pattern/cycle. Dry spell -> venting -> sex -> dry spell. On and on. I told him I didn't want it if he was just initiating because I was mad, and he denied that, but I know it's not just a coincidence. While lack of attraction certainly could be the issue, I'm not convinced it's the problem in most cases that involve porn. Men fall into porn use not because they are not attracted to their wives, but because it offers something nobody can compete with -- namely, unrealistic bodies and effortless gratification. It's easier, and involves no work. In some individuals' minds, looking at images is akin to the real thing -- while for others it can never replace a real body. It's a certain type of individual, I think. Again though I don't know if that's what my husband is doing. It could be an attraction issue, and if that is the case, he's done us all a great disservice by marrying someone he's not attracted to. I left my family, country and job for this... At any rate, I'm still working on exit plans should they need to be executed. When I reach the point that I just want to go - NOW - I want to be able to go without the worry that I can't live independently here. I don't feel as worried now, nor as powerless. Despite these unusual obstacles, I think I will be able to get out when/if it becomes apparent there is no solution. Yes, men who watch porn are lazy. It requires a lot less effort than a real relationship. But I see a lot of resentment and self doubt coming from you. And I don’t blame you - I went through that. So have the vast majority of the people on this forum. There is a cure. While having an affair is problematic, you at least need a man to acknowledge that you are a sexy woman. You’re also homesick. To help you feel better, I am including this link. Remember, all the men pictured think you are hot and want you to come back across the border. Oh man! I might just have to go across the border! Thanks for the eye candy obobfla!
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Sept 19, 2019 1:05:37 GMT -5
paddlingalone, one thing about today's porn-erotica is the variety. People lie to window-shop (look without buying) and the free Internet porn accomplishes that. I did some boob shopping online at one time because I was curious. I saw breast reduction pictures, women that played with their small to large boobs. Women' small to unusual nipple shape, women that were milking them-self and the list goes on. Why, because I was curious and my W wasn't interest in anything sexual for a very long time. I wanted to know what at least some women liked or disliked on the off chance I ever was in a situation to be with a woman that liked me touching her almost all over her body. About the lazy question? Yes it is easy to look at videos. Also there is no chance of rejection and if something becomes boring all a person has to do is click on another video or skip 50 videos to sample a newish experience. Men look at cars, boats, maybe guns because generally something new or different evokes a person's curiosity. Me I want the real thing even if it comes in a plain wrapper but that hasn't happened in a long time. I also know some men want to be thought of as "not one of those horny selfish men" so avoid sex for some reason.
|
|
|
Post by angeleyes65 on Sept 20, 2019 15:19:48 GMT -5
Thanks for the replies ladies. He did initiate last night, which was nice, but I also realize it's part of a larger pattern/cycle. Dry spell -> venting -> sex -> dry spell. On and on. I told him I didn't want it if he was just initiating because I was mad, and he denied that, but I know it's not just a coincidence. While lack of attraction certainly could be the issue, I'm not convinced it's the problem in most cases that involve porn. Men fall into porn use not because they are not attracted to their wives, but because it offers something nobody can compete with -- namely, unrealistic bodies and effortless gratification. It's easier, and involves no work. In some individuals' minds, looking at images is akin to the real thing -- while for others it can never replace a real body. It's a certain type of individual, I think. Again though I don't know if that's what my husband is doing. It could be an attraction issue, and if that is the case, he's done us all a great disservice by marrying someone he's not attracted to. I left my family, country and job for this... At any rate, I'm still working on exit plans should they need to be executed. When I reach the point that I just want to go - NOW - I want to be able to go without the worry that I can't live independently here. I don't feel as worried now, nor as powerless. Despite these unusual obstacles, I think I will be able to get out when/if it becomes apparent there is no solution. I don't think porn has anything to do with attraction. We had a decent sex life when he got involved with porn. I think men are visual so it's normal to some extent. I enjoy it myself. But now there is so much out there and it becomes an addiction for some. It's a easy release no physical effort. Don't have to work around both people being available. Doesn't really matter what his reasons are if it's replacing your sex life it's an issue That initiating after a fight is known as reset sex you will find a lot of stories about that. It makes you feel like things might be improving. It makes you feel safe for a minute. It makes him feel safe that you are placated for a while. Eventually we all quit falling for it. Then we become a refuser too. All part of the process. Keep working your exit plan Get your license, save up money have possession of your travel documents and the kid's. And have a plan. If you never need it great.
|
|
|
Post by ScottDinTN on Oct 8, 2019 22:49:04 GMT -5
Blaming porn is the easy way out. Me, I could blame Facebook. My wife will spend hours on the computer every night but is too tired to spend any time with me. There could be countless things we could blame. It boils down to that our spouses choose other thing over us and we are not a priority to them. What they place as a higher priority over us is not the problem. Its them and their choices. As long as you blame other things, you won't see the problem clearly.
I finally realized I can't change my wife and I never will. All I can change is me and how I respond to her decisions.
|
|
|
Post by angeleyes65 on Oct 9, 2019 7:27:17 GMT -5
My bf and I had that discussion many times. While we all miss sex the biggest issue is the loss of intimacy and caring what we want or how we feel that really derails the marriage.
|
|
|
Post by elynne on Oct 9, 2019 10:37:39 GMT -5
My bf and I had that discussion many times. While we all miss sex the biggest issue is the loss of intimacy and caring what we want or how we feel that really derails the marriage. Amen! @angeleyes!!! By far the worst thing about my marriage was that I was constantly negated. There can be no intimacy if your partner ignores and contradicts your experience. If I was upset he told me I was hypersensitive. If I was sad I was brushed off. If I asked a question I was ignored. If I liked something I got “how could you possibly like that. No one likes that.” If I was proud of myself he immediately criticized me and took me down a peg. If I was excited about something, he’d burst my bubble. If I wanted something it was unreasonable. My opinion didn’t count. It was fucking miserable. Oh - and the last time we had sex (a year or so before the divorce) he mounted me from behind. No foreplay. Thrust until he came. Rolled back to his side of the bed and went to sleep without a word. I cried myself silently to sleep feeling so incredibly alone. Thank fucking God I escaped that version of hell.
|
|
|
Post by sadkat on Oct 9, 2019 12:24:03 GMT -5
My bf and I had that discussion many times. While we all miss sex the biggest issue is the loss of intimacy and caring what we want or how we feel that really derails the marriage. Amen! @angeleyes!!! By far the worst thing about my marriage was that I was constantly negated. There can be no intimacy if your partner ignores and contradicts your experience. If I was upset he told me I was hypersensitive. If I was sad I was brushed off. If I asked a question I was ignored. If I liked something I got “how could you possibly like that. No one likes that.” If I was proud of myself he immediately criticized me and took me down a peg. If I was excited about something, he’d burst my bubble. If I wanted something it was unreasonable. My opinion didn’t count. It was fucking miserable. Oh - and the last time we had sex (a year or so before the divorce) he mounted me from behind. No foreplay. Thrust until he came. Rolled back to his side of the bed and went to sleep without a word. I cried myself silently to sleep feeling so incredibly alone. Thank fucking God I escaped that version of hell. Lordy! I just saw my life through your words (well, except for the fucking part- it’s been years since he last touched me). Being fresh out of my M, I’ve been in “what the hell have I done” mode. Your words just reinforced why I did what the hell I did! Thank you for that!
|
|
|
Post by elynne on Oct 9, 2019 16:02:54 GMT -5
Amen! @angeleyes!!! By far the worst thing about my marriage was that I was constantly negated. There can be no intimacy if your partner ignores and contradicts your experience. If I was upset he told me I was hypersensitive. If I was sad I was brushed off. If I asked a question I was ignored. If I liked something I got “how could you possibly like that. No one likes that.” If I was proud of myself he immediately criticized me and took me down a peg. If I was excited about something, he’d burst my bubble. If I wanted something it was unreasonable. My opinion didn’t count. It was fucking miserable. Oh - and the last time we had sex (a year or so before the divorce) he mounted me from behind. No foreplay. Thrust until he came. Rolled back to his side of the bed and went to sleep without a word. I cried myself silently to sleep feeling so incredibly alone. Thank fucking God I escaped that version of hell. Lordy! I just saw my life through your words (well, except for the fucking part- it’s been years since he last touched me). Being fresh out of my M, I’ve been in “what the hell have I done” mode. Your words just reinforced why I did what the hell I did! Thank you for that! I’m also relatively fresh out. Moved out 2 1/2 months ago. Be ready. There will be moments when you question leaving. The immediate pain is gone. You have some much needed distance. You aren’t being hurt on a regular basis. You may ask yourself “was it really that bad?” “Did I do absolutely everything I could to save my marriage?” When you ask those questions go back and read your old posts. I kept a diary for a bit. It really helps to remind yourself of how bad the problems actually were! It’s important to validate your own experience of the marriage since your partner was busy invalidating your emotions!
|
|
|
Post by sadkat on Oct 9, 2019 17:10:48 GMT -5
Lordy! I just saw my life through your words (well, except for the fucking part- it’s been years since he last touched me). Being fresh out of my M, I’ve been in “what the hell have I done” mode. Your words just reinforced why I did what the hell I did! Thank you for that! I’m also relatively fresh out. Moved out 2 1/2 months ago. Be ready. There will be moments when you question leaving. The immediate pain is gone. You have some much needed distance. You aren’t being hurt on a regular basis. You may ask yourself “was it really that bad?” “Did I do absolutely everything I could to save my marriage?” When you ask those questions go back and read your old posts. I kept a diary for a bit. It really helps to remind yourself of how bad the problems actually were! It’s important to validate your own experience of the marriage since your partner was busy invalidating your emotions! You are absolutely right. I’ve also thought “was it really all that bad”, though mostly I know it was. It’s the second guessing that gets to me. It’s the in-between place- the loneliness of not having someone there, regardless of how badly he treated you. Wondering if your future will be brighter than what you had. Evidence from the forum shows it likely will be but I can’t help but wonder if I’ll be the outlier. All these thoughts keep running through my mind. I know I need to give myself time to adjust to my new normal. That, in itself, requires time to be alone. Having too much alone time brings loneliness and makes me dwell on things I shouldn’t. I guess it doesn’t help that I moved to an entirely new zip code! To say the least, I’ve been in a quandary! Others sharing their experiences is helpful. I realize that what I’m going through is normal and am encouraged.
|
|
|
Post by elynne on Oct 10, 2019 6:42:44 GMT -5
I’m also relatively fresh out. Moved out 2 1/2 months ago. Be ready. There will be moments when you question leaving. The immediate pain is gone. You have some much needed distance. You aren’t being hurt on a regular basis. You may ask yourself “was it really that bad?” “Did I do absolutely everything I could to save my marriage?” When you ask those questions go back and read your old posts. I kept a diary for a bit. It really helps to remind yourself of how bad the problems actually were! It’s important to validate your own experience of the marriage since your partner was busy invalidating your emotions! You are absolutely right. I’ve also thought “was it really all that bad”, though mostly I know it was. It’s the second guessing that gets to me. It’s the in-between place- the loneliness of not having someone there, regardless of how badly he treated you. Wondering if your future will be brighter than what you had. Evidence from the forum shows it likely will be but I can’t help but wonder if I’ll be the outlier. All these thoughts keep running through my mind. I know I need to give myself time to adjust to my new normal. That, in itself, requires time to be alone. Having too much alone time brings loneliness and makes me dwell on things I shouldn’t. I guess it doesn’t help that I moved to an entirely new zip code! To say the least, I’ve been in a quandary! Others sharing their experiences is helpful. I realize that what I’m going through is normal and am encouraged. I have no doubt you’ll find love and happiness. The majority of folks fall into the “normal” category of actually enjoying human contact, physical touch, sex. Our exes are the exception. The trick is healing enough to find the nice guy appealing. And being strong enough and balanced enough to end a possible relationship IMMEDIATELY if you recognize red flags. The early warning signs: too much too soon and wanting to rush things. I go against common wisdom in terms of dating after divorce. Yes you need to heal and learn to trust your instincts again... but I believe that you can’t really work on relationship issues outside of a relationship. Leaving my ex was a big step in my recovery. An awesome therapist was critical. Having a safe and loving relationship with a great guy has helped me to slowly learn what is “normal” and to discover that relationships can be warm and comforting, that they can be easy! That I’m lovable exactly as I am, bad at scheduling, human and imperfect. Have faith. Take good care of yourself. Listen to what you need. Pay attention to your inner world and dialogue. Do things that make you happy. Spend time with people that are kind and make you feel good. And treat yourself as you would treat your best friend as she’s going through a tough time. Take a long hot bath, go for an early morning walk in the mist, read the latest book from your favorite author. Spoil yourself a little. Love yourself! You deserve it!!! AND you’re making up for lost time!!! Shower yourself with kindness. You’ve gone too long without.
|
|
|
Post by paddlingalone on Nov 6, 2019 10:03:42 GMT -5
So there's been a development of sorts and I'll give an update.
Last month I'd made a medical appointment for him, and insisted that we pay out of pocket (we were between insurance coverages at the time).
Long story short: he filled a prescription for testosterone. It rolls on like deodorant and costs approximately $20/month. So, very little effort and expense.
The first 2-3 days I noticed a dramatic and positive change in him (and this came as a surprise because I'd read that it could take up to 3 weeks). His mood was great, he was beginning to get a youthfulness about him, and best of all he was initiating -- every day! So for 2 days things were awesome. Then sometime in the following few days I realized he had stopped taking his medicine. His foul grumpy mood was back, he was tired again, he stopped being sexual. And I noticed the medicine canister on the bathroom counter was no longer moving. He sees it every time he goes to the bathroom so I know it's not a matter of forgetting.
I'm pretty devastated. So close yet so far. This was, I think, our last hope of saving our marriage and he's seemingly throwing it away. I just don't understand it. Does he secretly want me to leave? I have to wonder.
So that's that. I haven't brought it up with him and am debating whether to even mention it. He's a grown man and I'm not going to nag him to take something that's literally in front of his face to save his marriage. Pathetic. The worst thing about this is feeling so unloved.
Anyway something positive did happen in the big picture. My brother got engaged to his American girlfriend and will be moving to the US in January. So finally I will have family in this country. The plan is ultimately we are all going to move to the same city. In a few years if nothing changes I will probably leave my husband and at that time I'll have the emotional support of family nearby that I need. My husband is also giving me driving lessons right now, so I can be independent soon. Bittersweet.
While I don't understand my husband's apathy, or why things had to turn out this way, I have 2 very cute children I'm grateful for.
My biggest challenge now will be trying to not become depressed about this the next few years. I think I will probably try to get counseling soon.
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Nov 6, 2019 10:35:24 GMT -5
paddlingalone, with results like that I think it’s well worth sticking your nose into his business. I get that he should be taking the initiative, but you seem to have found a silver bullet here. I would see about a time-release injection or patches if getting him to take it is the issue now. A solution seems too close to let it slip away. You likely could get his prescription changed with simply a call to his doctor’s office, and no additional visit fee. They can update the prescription with the pharmacy to something else. (At least, from a daily pill to perhaps a monthly patch.)
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Nov 6, 2019 11:15:58 GMT -5
paddlingalone, I am in the boat with DryCreek. I started off with the underarm application, but it did nothing for me. When I used a weekly injection my libido came roaring back. But I wanted the increase in libido because my testosterone had nearly disappeared. I wanted sex with my spouse. I would agree that a patch sounds more appropriate at this point. As for him not doing the daily application on his own I have to wonder if perhaps there might be some depression going on. It reads like perhaps he sees himself as growing dependent on meds to do the things a man normally does naturally. Just something to consider.
|
|
|
Post by angeleyes65 on Nov 6, 2019 13:29:45 GMT -5
Curious if he noticed that he felt better? Why would anyone not take something that made them feel better have more energy? Was he having any side effects? Just playing devil's advocate would be great if it could be fixed that easily But my ex was just a dumb ass wouldn't even have his levels checked so. ..
|
|