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Post by ironhamster on May 3, 2021 4:33:51 GMT -5
The bad boys do seem to be popular among some women. There is the idea that a nicer guy can't be aggressive in bed, so some women really fall for the bad boy, until she comes home to find him passed out on her livingroom carpet because he sold her couch, and that's where he keeps his motorcycle, and his meth lab. I have been thinking about this topic today. I think there is also a parallel with guys who seem to just love ‘bad girls’ too. I’m not talking Amazonian physical specimens of womanhood. But rather women who generally treat men like shit and get better thought of for it. Inexplicable as this sounds, men seem to bend over backwards to please abusive, controlling, entitled, expectant and bone idle women who care little about joy they can bring to their H and only ensuring that they get what they want and only what they want in the M. God knows without thinking too hard I can think of several guys here who tell this story..... for years. I will never understand the attraction of a ‘bad boy’ and most women I know can’t either. Seems just as difficult to understand a man who thinks more of a woman who makes his life a misery. Kindness rocks my world. Shouldn’t it rock everyone’s? I do think it's healthy to look for kindness, but everyone has their own priorities list, whether they admit it or not, and it will change as their needs change. Kindness is a great attribute, but someone that is kind and without boundaries isn't going to develop healthy relationships. There are a lot of character flaws out there. Kindness is like alcohol or religion. They're good things, when taken in moderation. |
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Post by mirrororchid on May 3, 2021 5:58:15 GMT -5
I have been thinking about this topic today. I think there is also a parallel with guys who seem to just love ‘bad girls’ too. I’m not talking Amazonian physical specimens of womanhood. But rather women who generally treat men like shit and get better thought of for it.... Inexplicable as this sounds, men seem to bend over backwards to please abusive, controlling, entitled, expectant and bone idle women who care little about joy they can bring to their H and only ensuring that they get what they want and only what they want in the M. ... Reminds me of a riddle: What do men and linoleum floors have in common?
If you lay 'em right the first time, you can walk all over them the rest of your life. On the "bad boys" thing? Some of that is women falling for the tools of Pick-up Artists (PUA). For those unfamiliar, they use a technique ("negging") of ensuring a woman feels self-conscious and flawed so she is grateful to have this guy around who convinces her she's not in his league. Usually not true, as this technique is not needed to woo women that are in his league. (setting aside the demeaning nature of establishing "leagues" at all) A lesser trick is scant use of compliments to leave the lady starved for affirmation. Same technique, but less aggressive, deceptive, and evil. Some of it is a lack of identity commonly attributed to borderline personality disorder. They don't know what they want, or who they are. Often triggered by emotional and verbal abuse of family. Being told what to do gives them something to be-a bad boy's girlfriend. This is an identity that's clear. Do what he says and forgive everything. You don't need mental illness to lack identity, mind you. When you know who you are and what you want, you can more easily decide not to stay with someone. This last observation seems to apply to refused spouses who build lives for themselves away from a co-dependent relationship where their identity is tied up as "___________'s spouse". To make that role expendable, something needs to be there instead. Or at least, it makes the void less large and less daunting. (e.g. affair partner, new job, hobbies, social clubs, exercise program, work project, etc.) Maybe there's a dozen more. |
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Post by isthisit on May 3, 2021 17:09:46 GMT -5
I have been thinking about this topic today. I think there is also a parallel with guys who seem to just love ‘bad girls’ too. I’m not talking Amazonian physical specimens of womanhood. But rather women who generally treat men like shit and get better thought of for it. Inexplicable as this sounds, men seem to bend over backwards to please abusive, controlling, entitled, expectant and bone idle women who care little about joy they can bring to their H and only ensuring that they get what they want and only what they want in the M. God knows without thinking too hard I can think of several guys here who tell this story..... for years. I will never understand the attraction of a ‘bad boy’ and most women I know can’t either. Seems just as difficult to understand a man who thinks more of a woman who makes his life a misery. Kindness rocks my world. Shouldn’t it rock everyone’s? I do think it's healthy to look for kindness, but everyone has their own priorities list, whether they admit it or not, and it will change as their needs change. Kindness is a great attribute, but someone that is kind and without boundaries isn't going to develop healthy relationships. There are a lot of character flaws out there. Kindness is like alcohol or religion. They're good things, when taken in moderation. There is a lot of truth to this. I am an instinctively kind person. I enjoy being thoughtful and making people special to me feel cared for and appreciated. I got to a point in my M where I was conflicted by these instincts as I resented showing H kindness as it was never appreciated and certainly never reciprocated. I felt stupid for being myself because I was too kind for too long. Boundaries. It’s all about boundaries. |
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Post by shamwow on May 7, 2021 15:21:58 GMT -5
Reminds me of a riddle: What do men and linoleum floors have in common?
If you lay 'em right the first time, you can walk all over them the rest of your life. On the "bad boys" thing? Some of that is women falling for the tools of Pick-up Artists (PUA). There are girls searching for bad boys. There are girls searching for nice boys (linoleum floors). Grown women: door # 3 is over here. 😁 Door number 3 is being a good man. I'm not what you would call a "bad boy" . They tend to use a "bag of tricks" to get what they want. Just doesn't "feel right" I'm not a "nice guy" either... At least not anymore. I was for over 20 years and got trampled as a result. As a side note, this also made me a crappy parent, constantly seeking the approval of my kids. As a grown ass man I also wasn't able to stand up for myself with my parents or even in my job, truth be told. What I've been doing over the past half decade or so is try to be a "good man". I do good and kind things most of the time, but have learned to draw the line where that kindness is abused. This gives me a newfound confidence to take life and people on my own terms. It has given me the self respect I did not used to have It doesn't matter if it is ballofconfusion, my kids, my parents, my friends, or my co-workers. It's about being straight up with those you interact with...requiring respect and returning it in equal measure. That guy who suffered a couple decades in an SM? I hardly recognize that he and I are the same person anymore. |
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Post by blueguy on May 15, 2021 15:52:42 GMT -5
The OP's initial post reads just like what I am going through. I'm very confident though that my wife isn't having an affair. We spend entirely too much time together and she knows we can see where each other goes since we can track our family's phones. She doesn't text anyone I don't know nor does she email anyone I don't know. We are more best friends than anything. I've lost interest in sex with her and unfortunately porn is my outlet for my desire. I sure wish I had no sexual desire at all.  |
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Post by sweetplumeria on Jun 12, 2021 15:30:08 GMT -5
Lets assume something Brother heathcliff... . There comes a time in ILIASM deals when the "why" no longer matters. It just "is what it is". And that leaves you with some very confronting choices in front of you. Astute as always Baz! I love how you see the global picture of our situations. I think I have been at this point for years (the why no longer matters). |
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