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Post by tamara68 on Oct 9, 2019 10:51:55 GMT -5
Update Tamara Since about 6 weeks, I live together with my friend H. Before that we were together every weekend. Now we are together every day. It is going well. I feel happy when he shouts "Honey, I'm Home!!!" when he opens the door. We have plenty of sex. Maybe even a bit much. It surprised me a little when H initiated sex every day for several weeks. It turned out that he thought that that was what I expected. He didn't want to disappoint me - knowing my history with my ex. Now we have sex 'only' 4 or 5 times a week. A little bit of kinkiness is usually involved. We have a room that is going to be our play room, but for now it is still a junk room. We still don't have been able to get internet or tv at home. So we have been watching downloaded series lately. Like True Blood. Great series, very kinky. It inspires H to bite my neck while watching together. we have had a few small arguments, and surprisingly, they were good for us. We solved a few misunderstandings with these arguments and afterwards we felt better. So very different from arguments with my ex. They have never solved anything. It is good to experience that things can be different with the right person. Our house is still very messy. Progress is slow, due to us both feeling tired and other things. But eventually it will be finished. I still often feel sad about my daughter, but it isn't that intense anymore as it has been. I hope she is okay and I hope she will manage to become independent and seek contact with me again when she is ready for that. It will be up to her.  |
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Post by WindSister on Oct 9, 2019 20:52:44 GMT -5
All members who have been out of their ILIASM deal for at least a year are invited to vote in the poll, and make a comment if they so desire. (This same poll was done in September 2018) Interested to see if the results differ this time around Hell ya. I've been remarried 4 years. I am so eternally grateful for my life now. I don't check in here often, but I never forget from where I have come. We are celebrating our 4th wedding anniversary on 10/10. Last weekend we enjoyed concert going (Shinedown and Papa Roach) and time with his his kids and grandkids at the farm to celebrate. I love that I get to be a grandma.  Be genuine. Be real. Don't settle. As for sex??? We are both happy. Me, being the horny woman I am, can say it's perfect. He never turns me down and he makes sure I know I'm wanted. Noooo regrets getting our of that first loveless marriage I was in! |
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Post by warmways on Oct 10, 2019 13:44:37 GMT -5
For me it won’t be a year until a February but I am a lot happier.
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Post by choosinghappy on Oct 28, 2019 6:31:48 GMT -5
100% of those who answered the poll said they were happier one year out after leaving their SM. But the data could be skewed: We are the ones who chose to leave - either because the SM was really so bad that it was untenable or because we just happen to have personality traits that would lead us to take a leap of faith/refuse to indefinitely put up with certain things/be more inclined towards independence/etc.
I suspect the point of this poll was to show that despite the fear of the unknown, those of us who leave really do end up happier.
But this poll begs the question:
Does leaving an SM (any SM) make you happier?
or
Are the experiences of happiness dependent on (1) How bad the SM was and (2) Our specific personality traits?
I don't know the right answer.
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Post by elynne on Oct 28, 2019 8:00:56 GMT -5
100% of those who answered the poll said they were happier one year out after leaving their SM. But the data could be skewed: We are the ones who chose to leave - either because the SM was really so bad that it was untenable or because we just happen to have personality traits that would lead us to take a leap of faith/refuse to indefinitely put up with certain things/be more inclined towards independence/etc. I suspect the point of this poll was to show that despite the fear of the unknown, those of us who leave really do end up happier. But this poll begs the question: Does leaving an SM (any SM) make you happier? or Are the experiences of happiness dependent on (1) How bad the SM was and (2) Our specific personality traits? I don't know the right answer. I can only look at my personal experience- but I’m the same person (granted I had therapy that helped me reach a point where I had enough courage to leave) but happiness before and after? It’s not even close. I’ve never been happier. My divorce was official as of mid-August. It’s only been 2 1/2 months - and things are sometimes hard. I have times when I’m sad, but absolutely no regrets. Oh! My point - if our personalities were the deciding factor we also would have been happier within the SM. |
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Post by Pinkberry on Oct 30, 2019 12:08:54 GMT -5
Even when I had a desperately broken heart being away from my kids, I was happier out because I knew that they were getting a better me when we were together and they were seeing a better life example of how to treat people.
I have been out of the marital relationship for over nine years now, divorced for over eight, and I am far happier than I ever was with the jackass.
Out is better than in.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 30, 2019 18:22:52 GMT -5
Yes! And a thousand times happier! No man in my life. Lots of dates, but no one right for me yet. Honestly, I like being alone. It's very liberating!
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Post by surfergirl on Nov 14, 2019 22:11:39 GMT -5
I voted no.
While I’m very happy with my romantic life, the torture my ex is putting me through in the courts for retaliation is HELL. I also miss my kids and they need me. But we have 50/50. So, overall, I’m not happier. But my sex life and love life is AMAZING.
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Post by elynne on Nov 15, 2019 7:04:38 GMT -5
I voted no. While I’m very happy with my romantic life, the torture my ex is putting me through in the courts for retaliation is HELL. I also miss my kids and they need me. But we have 50/50. So, overall, I’m not happier. But my sex life and love life is AMAZING. !!! How the hell are you?  I’ve thought about you often! I was so damn jealous when you started your divorce! You led the way and gave me hope. So happy to hear about your love life! We’ll have to compare notes privately. And so sorry to hear about the court battles. I think my ex was worried that if we went to court the physical abuse might come out. If we had aired our dirty laundry in court: what a mess. My 6 month affair would come out. The ex’s grabbing me by the throat while I held the baby, hitting me in the face... financial abuse, it would have been nasty. And I think he was terrified of his dark side being exposed. I still keep my photos of bruises he left just in case he ever gets a bug up his ass about something and we end up in court. I do my best to keep things peaceful for the kids’ benefit. But I’ve found my strength again. It was there all along - one has to be incredibly resilient to survive 12 years of emotional abuse. Now I recognize it. And accept it. Self reflection, humility, integrity, kindness. I have these qualities in spades. My ex thought they were weaknesses. He couldn’t have been more wrong. There are some good articles about divorcing a narcissist. It’s a living hell. They can be so focused on annihilating you that they’ll gladly destroy themselves in the process. Hang in there! Pick your battles. Be smart and stay in control of your emotions. React calmly and with logic and you’ll come out better! Good legal advice - from someone experienced with narcissists is well worth it. And see if you can get him to focus on the children’s best interests. My ex wants to see himself as a dedicated and good father - and that was my saving grace. Good luck!!! |
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Post by angeleyes65 on Nov 18, 2019 9:34:58 GMT -5
I'm not sure what poll? Left in June of 2017 divorce final Jan 2019. I'm so much happier. The relief I felt when I moved into my own place ( once the actual move was over) was undescribable . He did put my through hell for the first year but still wouldn't change my decision. I am in a relationship.
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Post by surfergirl on Nov 19, 2019 0:11:06 GMT -5
elynneIt was my experience that the only thing worse than being married to a narcissist was divorcing one. My ex is out for revenge. Up until three months ago, my ex-husband was still recording me, reading all my emails, etc. He remains in good standing at our church and has been dating his fiancee for over a year. It's a different level of "sick". But I'm happy with so many things: business, friends, kids, my new house, and so in love with my guy. I've stayed in therapy. Lots to be thankful for.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Nov 20, 2019 8:26:18 GMT -5
elynneIt was my experience that the only thing worse than being married to a narcissist was divorcing one. My ex is out for revenge. Up until three months ago, my ex-husband was still recording me, reading all my emails, etc. He remains in good standing at our church and has been dating his fiancee for over a year. It's a different level of "sick". But I'm happy with so many things: business, friends, kids, my new house, and so in love with my guy. I've stayed in therapy. Lots to be thankful for. I agree whole heartedly while being married to a narcissist is hell divorcing one is a whole new level of hell. But still worth it. What doesn't kill is makes us stronger right? The fact that he has a fiance and is still a pain makes me sad it was my hope that my ex finding someone new would be my saving Grace! |
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Post by greatcoastal on Nov 20, 2019 13:45:48 GMT -5
elynne It was my experience that the only thing worse than being married to a narcissist was divorcing one. My ex is out for revenge. Up until three months ago, my ex-husband was still recording me, reading all my emails, etc. He remains in good standing at our church and has been dating his fiancee for over a year. It's a different level of "sick". But I'm happy with so many things: business, friends, kids, my new house, and so in love with my guy. I've stayed in therapy. Lots to be thankful for. I agree whole heartedly while being married to a narcissist is hell divorcing one is a whole new level of hell. But still worth it. What doesn't kill is makes us stronger right? The fact that he has a fiance and is still a pain makes me sad it was my hope that my ex finding someone new would be my saving Grace! If/when my ex has a fiance, I too might expect that to be a saving grace? However... there is still the power and control over manipulating the family/children, and money involved. Continue to do your best to have the good outweigh the bad. |
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Post by michael on Nov 20, 2019 17:34:49 GMT -5
YES! Come this March it will be 2 years. Happier with myself, my new relationship, my new job, a place of my own, etc... Not happy with my children. There’s a lot of parental alienation going on. Another part of divorcing a manipulative controller. I will likely be going back to court again. ( (sadly it revolves around money and control) This is what I worry about. I believe my wife will use the children as pawns. She already teaches them to lie to me. I don’t know what happened. I used to think I had the best woman in the worlld. |
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Post by michael on Nov 20, 2019 17:39:14 GMT -5
Update Tamara Since about 6 weeks, I live together with my friend H. Before that we were together every weekend. Now we are together every day. It is going well. I feel happy when he shouts "Honey, I'm Home!!!" when he opens the door. We have plenty of sex. Maybe even a bit much. It surprised me a little when H initiated sex every day for several weeks. It turned out that he thought that that was what I expected. He didn't want to disappoint me - knowing my history with my ex. Now we have sex 'only' 4 or 5 times a week. A little bit of kinkiness is usually involved. We have a room that is going to be our play room, but for now it is still a junk room. We still don't have been able to get internet or tv at home. So we have been watching downloaded series lately. Like True Blood. Great series, very kinky. It inspires H to bite my neck while watching together. we have had a few small arguments, and surprisingly, they were good for us. We solved a few misunderstandings with these arguments and afterwards we felt better. So very different from arguments with my ex. They have never solved anything. It is good to experience that things can be different with the right person. Our house is still very messy. Progress is slow, due to us both feeling tired and other things. But eventually it will be finished. I still often feel sad about my daughter, but it isn't that intense anymore as it has been. I hope she is okay and I hope she will manage to become independent and seek contact with me again when she is ready for that. It will be up to her. Is this supposed to be a picture of a mess? Come visit my house. My wife refuses to clean up after herself. She does not hang up clothes. They are a pile in her closet. Sex everyday!? I’d go for sex every month if I could get it. This really makes me want to cry. |
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Be genuine. Be real. Don't settle. As for sex??? We are both happy. Me, being the horny woman I am, can say it's perfect. He never turns me down and he makes sure I know I'm wanted. 
I’ve thought about you often! I was so damn jealous when you started your divorce! You led the way and gave me hope. 
