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Post by sadkat on Oct 24, 2019 11:54:53 GMT -5
So, I think we’ve exhausted the discussion on women and why they might leave their marriages in greater numbers than men. @tooyoungtobeold started a very good thread about why a person would choose to stay in a marriage. This question is focused on the men. My apologies in advance to the women if you feel excluded. Feel free to jump in with an opinion but let’s see if we can keep focused on the men. So, here’s my question: you’ve listed many reasons why you would stay in a sexless marriage. What would be a major factor (or factors) that would make you leave? Why?
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Post by RealMustangGuy on Oct 24, 2019 12:01:49 GMT -5
I posted about why I am having to stay in my marriage (I'm still learning this site so don't know how to include a link to that post) but it is under choosing to stay. In my case I should have left but didn't, and then serious health issues hit my wife. I can't leave now because I just won't abandon her when she needs me the most. I will be free of my Sexless Marriage only when death comes. Which could be soon or could be years from now. As the years go by the hope I hold on to is fading, but without that hope for something after, I would be lost.
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Post by h on Oct 24, 2019 12:28:09 GMT -5
I'll be perfectly straightforward and say that money/finances are the biggest determining factor in my situation. If I won the lottery tomorrow, my first stop would be a lawyer's office. She could have it all in exchange for my freedom. As it stands now, I can't afford to pay for a lawyer and couldn't afford to support her after a divorce. If she decided to file, there are levels of survival mode that I would be capable of sinking to (living on my mother's couch and eating ramen noodles) but I won't choose to file if that's what I have to look forward to. If she gets a better paying job soon (which is a reasonable expectation) then I can start paying down debts and plan to leave within a few years.
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Post by mescaline on Oct 24, 2019 15:16:21 GMT -5
I've been thinking a bit about this, and access to unlimited funds would allow me to leave. I could pay for two households so I would be able to have 50/50 with the kids. I could pay for round the clock care for my wife and ensure her accomodation and care was top spec.
It wouldn't stop the guilt I guess, but would certainly assuage a lot of it.
Food for thought, or fantasy at least!
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Post by Handy on Oct 24, 2019 16:30:36 GMT -5
My W already said what she wants next in life and it cost more than what we have now. That is her version of the future and I am not buying it. I know in a divorce she would not get what she thinks she wants. The bigger issue with me is feeling guilty ending things and getting out of her live, that and some expensive realestate transactions and giving up on a house I built 20% of and all of the other improvements I have since made. Most of the replacement houses I looked at for myself are nor arranged to my liking. I want a "fix-it-shop and some room to build things.
And then there is the money divide. Me the saver and her the spender. Do I give up what I saved because I know I won't get anything close to what she spent on things that eventually went to the thrift shop.
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Post by sadkat on Oct 24, 2019 16:57:00 GMT -5
In reading all of your posts- most of you continue down the same vein- your reasons for STAYING. This is not the question. What will it take for you to LEAVE? For those of you with wives struggling with significant illnesses- I’m gathering that nothing will make you leave. That’s a perfectly valid answer.
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Post by h on Oct 24, 2019 17:42:24 GMT -5
In reading all of your posts- most of you continue down the same vein- your reasons for STAYING. This is not the question. What will it take for you to LEAVE? For those of you with wives struggling with significant illnesses- I’m gathering that nothing will make you leave. That’s a perfectly valid answer. I thought my response and some others covered both choices. The lack of funds being my reason for staying implied that having acceptable funds would be what I would need in order to leave. If... Then. If not... Then not.
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Post by sadkat on Oct 24, 2019 18:13:01 GMT -5
In reading all of your posts- most of you continue down the same vein- your reasons for STAYING. This is not the question. What will it take for you to LEAVE? For those of you with wives struggling with significant illnesses- I’m gathering that nothing will make you leave. That’s a perfectly valid answer. I thought my response and some others covered both choices. The lack of funds being my reason for staying implied that having acceptable funds would be what I would need in order to leave. If... Then. If not... Then not. I guess I’m more literal. All I interpreted from your post was your reasons for staying. I do remember something about winning the lottery (not sure if It was your post, though) If the only way someone would leave is if they won the lottery, that pretty much equals “nothing” as the chances of winning the lottery are slim to none.
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Post by ScottDinTN on Oct 24, 2019 18:48:25 GMT -5
What would make or allow me to leave? Here are my reasons in order of priority, most important first.
#1 MY KIDS LEAVE HOME The kids are the number 1 reason I am staying, to give them an intact family. Once they are gone, I would feel free to leave.
#2 MY YOUNGEST CHILD GRADUATES COLLEGE, POSSIBLY HIGH SCHOOL Once they are both out of high school and definitely college, I would be strongly motivated to move out. Since my primary job of raising them would be over. I have made it clear to both of them that once they graduate college they have 3-6 months to move out. Teaching them early not to even consider living in the basement forever after graduation. lol
#3 THE HOUSE IS PAID OFF IF MY KIDS ARE STILL AT HOME One of the reasons I haven't wanted to leave while my kids are in the home is because I know my wife could not afford to pay the mortgage on just her income. So, if I move out, the kids have to move too to a smaller home. I can see them thinking, "Thanks Dad, you made us have to move just so you could have sex." If my kids were out of the home, then I wouldn't care if the house was paid off or not. She can find somewhere else to live and deal with the consequences of not making our marriage a priority.
#4 FINANCIALLY SELF SUFFICIENT AFTER THE KIDS LEAVE We are not rich, but we have built up a good nest egg and have paid off everything except the house. I expect to have it paid off in 7 years. It makes me mad every time I think of giving up half of what we have built up together just because she doesn't like orgasms.
I sat down and wrote out a budget the other day based on just my income. I saw that I could probably make it on my own but it would be a bare bones existence. Part of that encouraged me; that I could make it on my own. On the other hand, it also made me upset that I have to do that in order to be happy. And really, there's no promise I would be happy. I could still end up alone. I guess I just have to decide how much my happiness is worth to me. The older I get, the less money matters and the more happiness does. :-)
#5 I FIND SOMEONE THAT WANTS TO SPEND THEIR LIFE WITH ME If I were to find someone that loved me and that I loved, it would motivate me to want to move out to build a life with her. I put this one last because my #2 and #3 reasons would have to have happened before I would consider this option. I don't think I would move in with her right away. But, knowing we were planning to live together after the divorce would be a big determining factor.
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Post by solodriver on Oct 24, 2019 19:15:45 GMT -5
I want to be with someone who, appreciates and desires me. I get none of that and haven't had that in this SM for over 20 years. I'm just an income for her at this point. Like I always say: I have NO hope of a loving relationship if I stay in this marriage, but at least out of it I can have a chance of HOPE for finding a loving, caring, nurturing, physical relationship, one that I can give back as much as I receive, which also won't happen in my SM.
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Post by flounder on Oct 24, 2019 19:25:07 GMT -5
In reading all of your posts- most of you continue down the same vein- your reasons for STAYING. This is not the question. What will it take for you to LEAVE? For those of you with wives struggling with significant illnesses- I’m gathering that nothing will make you leave. That’s a perfectly valid answer. The right woman.
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Post by sadkat on Oct 24, 2019 21:28:12 GMT -5
Wow, ScottDinTN- this is really a good post! It’s obvious you’ve thought things out quite a bit and have the beginnings of an exit plan. Does it make staying “for now” more or less tolerable?
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Post by sadkat on Oct 24, 2019 21:33:31 GMT -5
solodriver- I know you have an exit plan and are working toward leaving your marriage. To clarify- your reason for leaving is your hope for a loving and fulfilling relationship? Was there any specific occurrence that made you decide to leave or was it a slow realization that your w is unable/unwilling to give you want you need to be happy?
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Post by sadkat on Oct 24, 2019 21:34:05 GMT -5
In reading all of your posts- most of you continue down the same vein- your reasons for STAYING. This is not the question. What will it take for you to LEAVE? For those of you with wives struggling with significant illnesses- I’m gathering that nothing will make you leave. That’s a perfectly valid answer. The right woman. Short and sweet, flounder. I love it!
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Post by baza on Oct 24, 2019 21:43:26 GMT -5
Well, the reason I didn't leave was because at the time, and in a short term sense, I didn't see it as being in my best interests. It was "easier" to cop the bullshit an ILIASM shithole heaps on you - and besides, I didn't have any alternate plan in any case. I hadn't seen a lawyer, had no clue how a divorce would shake out for me, I hadn't any sort of an exit strategy in mind, no support network. So, unsurprisingly in my uninformed state, I didn't have an alternative so the "easiest" thing was to stay .... and I, like most people, took the easiest short term option. I stayed. Time passed .... I started to get a sneaky feeling that although my short term best interests were being served by staying, my longer term best interests were most certainly NOT being served by staying. After much trepidation and procrastination I went to see a lawyer in my jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for me. I discovered it was "do-able". (that frightened the shit out of me) Within the constraints of that legal information I started to work on an exit strategy (only in theoretical terms), shored up my support network and thought long and hard how I might shepherd my kids (1 was still a minor at that time) through such an event. Essentially, I got "fully informed". And still, I stayed, even though I now had an alternative option. Anyway, to your actual question Sister sadkat - "What would be a major factor (or factors) that would make you leave?" In my opinion, the most likely factor that might see you leave is if you have done the hard grift of creating an alternative to staying. And the most likely cause of you staying is that you have NOT created such an alternative.
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