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Post by shamwow on Aug 7, 2021 8:34:19 GMT -5
I have a passing morbid curiosity about what relationship status my ex has or will have. Per her Facebook profile, she is in a relationship, but neither he nor she have posted any public pics since their last relationship status update to "in a relationship." If she is indeed in a relationship, good for her. Maybe she found a man with no sexual expectations. She's not my problem anymore, mostly. The only places where she remains an issue in my life are in her influence of our children, child support, and alimony, and the alimony goes away if only she will only cohabitate with her significant other. Depending upon your jurisdiction (California for example) , cohabitation is not sufficient to eliminate alimony. It would simply be a presumption of reduced need. It could be eliminated or simply lowered. In almost all jurisdictions if your ex remarried, however, that ends alimony. But even in that event you still need to bring the issue to the court to formally end it.
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Post by shamwow on Aug 7, 2021 8:40:06 GMT -5
Tinder? A refuser? I have visions of the ladies sliding their hand across his chest and reaching for a shirt button and his surprised, "That already? We only just met!" Well, H still declines to accept that our marriage was sexless. According to him (still) we enjoyed an imaginative, frequent and robust physical relationship- which HE tells ME I absolutely loved every moment of. I replied “and what about after 2001?” I expect that it’s part denial, part ego preservation and just partly simple BS to save face. Whatever. If he has some validation to achieve via Tinder- get busy and have fun it changes nothing for me. I had a similar experience. After I told her I wanted a divorce my ex insisted we had sex every few weeks or months when the actual interval was years. And it's not surprising a refuser would hit Tinder or date in general. After all, they may not be opposed to sex, they might just be opposed to sex with you. From my distant and now bemused view I would wager my ex kicks up the dating up a notch in about a year when child support is gone and our youngest heads to college.
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Post by Handy on Aug 7, 2021 18:40:58 GMT -5
Shamwow I would wager my ex kicks up the dating up a notch in about a year when child support is gone.
I could almost say they are doing it now but trying to hide it and act like they only have platonic friends.
I know some older women that would lose income if they remarried so they admit just "visit" their guy every now and then.
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optima
Junior Member
Posts: 35
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Post by optima on Aug 7, 2021 23:50:44 GMT -5
Over six months of couples’ counseling I made every change she asked of me and our communication improved exponentially. Things felt good between us and restoration of physical intimacy was the last hurtle. Then, after six months sexless i said we needed progress in this area and I needed to see tangible steps to improve. Since then, my life has become a living hell and the situation has deteriorated markedly.
Tonight, we went out for dinner on a date night I’ve been pushing for over several weeks. She refused to hold my hand when walking to the restaurant and, at first, said she was working on it but needed less pressure but then told me repeatedly over the course of dinner that I’m just a friend and she has no romantic feelings towards me and is not “in love” with me anymore.
I think I made up my mind to go tonight. I cannot stand it anymore. Seven months SM. Where I have drawn the line is the complete physical avoidance and refusal to consider any touch, even hand holding. I’ve explained that it’s intolerable to be married to someone who won’t hold your hand. She’s said repeatedly that she wants a trial separation for her to figure things out (no talk of this until I began pressing for a restoration of physical intimacy) and if the heart grows fonder with distance. I said no: I’m not going to be someone’s option. She either works to improve within our relationship or we divorce and then it’s over. I’m not doing a “trial separation” for her to have sex with others and play at life without me to make sure it’s “comfortable “ for her before exiting. She also keeps telling me it’ll be amicable, we will be civil and I’ll do what’s right for our children which she presumes means that she keeps our house. I feel differently: if we are divorced, I do not care about her financially anymore and it is best for our sons to see me prevail financially not to cave to my wife’s selfish demands.
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Post by baza on Aug 8, 2021 1:10:07 GMT -5
The legal advice (you refer to in a different thread) will be key to all this Brother optima . You may be compelled to remain financially tied to her for a while longer if child support / spousal support laws are an issue. Good luck with your legal consult on Monday.
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Post by isthisit on Aug 8, 2021 2:41:35 GMT -5
I am sorry to hear about your circumstances. I agree that the trial separation is a complete piss take.
A wild guess would be that her idea is; you move out yet continue paying the bills while she sees how she likes that. Erm… big fat no there love.
Good luck with the lawyer.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 8, 2021 5:18:57 GMT -5
I have a passing morbid curiosity about what relationship status my ex has or will have. Per her Facebook profile, she is in a relationship, but neither he nor she have posted any public pics since their last relationship status update to "in a relationship." If she is indeed in a relationship, good for her. Maybe she found a man with no sexual expectations. She's not my problem anymore, mostly. The only places where she remains an issue in my life are in her influence of our children, child support, and alimony, and the alimony goes away if only she will only cohabitate with her significant other. Depending upon your jurisdiction (California for example) , cohabitation is not sufficient to eliminate alimony. It would simply be a presumption of reduced need. It could be eliminated or simply lowered. In almost all jurisdictions if your ex remarried, however, that ends alimony. But even in that event you still need to bring the issue to the court to formally end it. Sometimes, it's all about the money. One woman I knew had a nice house and a job that was pretty menial. Something didn't fit. The missing part of the puzzle was she started dating when her alimony ran out. Now, in my ex's case, her alimony goes on ad nauseam until she cohabitates or marries, and that is why she will remain $ingle. Women that have financial needs might develop an appetite for sex. My ex is getting paid to not get attached, and I believe she feels that is the best of both worlds.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 8, 2021 5:54:38 GMT -5
optima, I think your decision is pretty real, forcing the choice between making it work now or divorcing. I don't think there is any benefit to letting her drag things out. baza is right, though. The courts have a different idea than we do regarding what is fair financially.
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optima
Junior Member
Posts: 35
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Post by optima on Aug 9, 2021 16:44:35 GMT -5
So this morning I found out my wife was having an affair. I suspected it because she has been secretive with her phone lately and she ruined a “date night” on Saturday night by telling me repeatedly her feelings are platonic and that she isn’t “in love” with me, which is code for having an affair according to Google. She was also indifferent when I explained how painful her refusal to hold hands or allow any physical contact between us was in this context. So this morning she left for work and left her phone face down charging and boom, in comes a text from her paramour, a real loser of a guy (vs. me, professionally) with a 4 year old daughter. So all of this abuse from her that made me feel guilty for wanting physical intimacy and she’s getting it on the side. I certainly recognize my role in creating an environment where she has such little respect for me that these things are possible. Any true man with self respect would have left after being harshly rejected for months and told by their wife that they aren’t into me anymore. I wonder how many of the refused folks on here have spouses who are cheating on them.
Keep in mind that this whole period I sat through couples’ counseling and did every non-sexual thing to improve the relationship that she asked of me. Then when I asked to see progress in this area she said she could not get over that hump. OF COURSE I’m not going to look as good as her affair partner; we’ve been married for 13 years. OF COURSE there are going to be butterflies with him that she does not have with me. I am 100% confident that the improvements in our communication, my own self confidence and quality time that I made would have made me more attractive IF she was in the relationship. But now I know I never had a chance because she was “in love” with a shiny new object. This is exceptionally disrespectful.
Now both our lives are going to implode. Our young children will grow up in a broken home. We will each be living in small one bedroom apartments because that’s all we can afford. Moreover, after speaking with attorneys today, I found out I’m in a jurisdiction where alimony is a thing and her cheating does not move the needle. For normal folks like us, we are advised to mediate.
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Post by Handy on Aug 9, 2021 16:58:21 GMT -5
Optima your post is BIG news.
WOW!
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 9, 2021 17:48:12 GMT -5
Don't feel like the "Lone Ranger" when it comes to being surprised at finding your W is having an affair. Same thing happened to me in my 1st marriage. And yes I ended up paying a whopping sum each month for child support. Didn't matter that she was fooling around. My attorney got me equal custody but said the W would have to be a drug addict or career criminal for me to get full custody. So nothing much has changed in 30 years.
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Post by baza on Aug 10, 2021 1:04:39 GMT -5
So this morning I found out my wife was having an affair. I suspected it because she has been secretive with her phone lately and she ruined a “date night” on Saturday night by telling me repeatedly her feelings are platonic and that she isn’t “in love” with me, which is code for having an affair according to Google. She was also indifferent when I explained how painful her refusal to hold hands or allow any physical contact between us was in this context. So this morning she left for work and left her phone face down charging and boom, in comes a text from her paramour, a real loser of a guy (vs. me, professionally) with a 4 year old daughter. So all of this abuse from her that made me feel guilty for wanting physical intimacy and she’s getting it on the side. I certainly recognize my role in creating an environment where she has such little respect for me that these things are possible. Any true man with self respect would have left after being harshly rejected for months and told by their wife that they aren’t into me anymore. I wonder how many of the refused folks on here have spouses who are cheating on them. Keep in mind that this whole period I sat through couples’ counseling and did every non-sexual thing to improve the relationship that she asked of me. Then when I asked to see progress in this area she said she could not get over that hump. OF COURSE I’m not going to look as good as her affair partner; we’ve been married for 13 years. OF COURSE there are going to be butterflies with him that she does not have with me. I am 100% confident that the improvements in our communication, my own self confidence and quality time that I made would have made me more attractive IF she was in the relationship. But now I know I never had a chance because she was “in love” with a shiny new object. This is exceptionally disrespectful. Now both our lives are going to implode. Our young children will grow up in a broken home. We will each be living in small one bedroom apartments because that’s all we can afford. Moreover, after speaking with attorneys today, I found out I’m in a jurisdiction where alimony is a thing and her cheating does not move the needle. For normal folks like us, we are advised to mediate. How this pans out from here need not be a scenario where - "Our young children will grow up in a broken home" That is going to be largely up to how you both conduct yourselves during the process. It needn't be a shit fight. You may be able to bring off an amicable respectful parting of the ways. I am betting that right now, you are seething with anger with the turn of events .... that probably won't help a real lot in bringing the marriage to an orderly resolution. Suggestion - Try to deal with this issue by basing your thinking of the facts, and only the facts. Try to suspend any judgement or taking the moral highround thinking or apportioning blame. None of these things help much. This might involve you in just "sucking it up" at times. The longer term goal here is (I am guessing) is - (a) - to produce a respectful finale to the marriage (b) - to demonstrate to the kids how responsible adults handle adversity (c) - to show how the co-parents still have the kids best interests at heart. Shelve any idea of "getting revenge" - it is an entirely useless pursuit. Good luck Brother optima .
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Post by worksforme2 on Aug 10, 2021 3:57:04 GMT -5
optima I suggest you read some from the threads posted by Apocrypha. He experienced much of the same scenario as you describe. He handled it pretty well and his experiences contain a wealth of wisdom for going forward.
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Post by shamwow on Aug 11, 2021 7:26:45 GMT -5
Depending upon your jurisdiction (California for example) , cohabitation is not sufficient to eliminate alimony. It would simply be a presumption of reduced need. It could be eliminated or simply lowered. In almost all jurisdictions if your ex remarried, however, that ends alimony. But even in that event you still need to bring the issue to the court to formally end it. Sometimes, it's all about the money. One woman I knew had a nice house and a job that was pretty menial. Something didn't fit. The missing part of the puzzle was she started dating when her alimony ran out. Now, in my ex's case, her alimony goes on ad nauseam until she cohabitates or marries, and that is why she will remain $ingle. Women that have financial needs might develop an appetite for sex. My ex is getting paid to not get attached, and I believe she feels that is the best of both worlds. It is interesting how with different rules people make completely different decisions. In my state there is no spousal support but generous child support. In about 9 months my youngest will graduate from high school and this obligation will end. At that time I expect my ex to make a full court press to get another guy purely for financial reasons. If she lived in your jurisdiction, however, she would be like your ex and date if she wanted but never cohabitate... Again, purely for financial reasons. It seems as though a period of limited support (maybe 4-5 years for a long term marriage) would be the most equitable. It affords the lower income spouse the opportunity to get training or job skills and incentivises them to make the most of that opportunity. Then everyone goes in their own direction and can pursue happiness in whatever way they choose without the distortions in behavior (fort both parties) brought on by permanent spousal support.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 12, 2021 1:41:18 GMT -5
I find the extreme disparity of the law frustrating. My home state of Illinois used to give judges wide leeway, but Chicago politicians didn't like how lenient down state judges were on the primary earners. One of my coworkers, roughly making what I did, divorced in 2009, and his alimony is about a quarter of what I pay. idgaf96 divorce was completed this year. She asked her husband for a thousand dollars a month child support, and to stay in the house with the kids until they graduated from high school. In most jurisdictions, that would be a very generous offer, and it certainly was in hers. He chose to fight her, so she let the law take its course. Her alimony, originally not asked for, is not contingent on cohabitation, and her percentage of assets is much higher than her original offer. She had an open marriage for years before her husband walked out and called it quits. In some states, infidelity of any sort ends spousal support. In no fault states, it doesn't technically matter. I say "technically", because in my backwater jurisdiction I believe it does play into prejudice in the process.
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