|
Post by elkclan2 on Nov 28, 2019 7:16:49 GMT -5
|
|
|
Post by worksforme2 on Nov 28, 2019 8:49:23 GMT -5
I think I understand what the therapist is saying and I am not in disagreement in general. I will concede that it is highly probable that some people do use sex as means of reducing anxiety. Some people use drugs or other substances, others exercise or take part in games that involve considerable mental or physical exertion. Some take a more laid back approach such as yoga or practicing mindfulness as part of their day. If the sex is used just as a means of reducing anxiety then I wouldn't think it would be especially appealing to their partner, just as using ones spouse to clean the house in order to avoid paying a maid would not be very helpful in the relationship and could certainly bring about feelings of resentment to the spouse who is coerced into the housekeeping tasks.
|
|
|
Post by elkclan2 on Nov 28, 2019 9:41:47 GMT -5
I don't disagree with your analysis. I do disagree with the original author being all "3 times a week? - your partner must have a problem".
I also think it's possible that sometimes people have genuine libido mismatch and maybe someone wants sex twice a week and the other person wants sex 4 times a week.
I think we also over-emphasize the 'problem' of having sex you don't want. I had sex I didn't intially 'want' last night. But I knew my partner really did want it. Turns out it was really hot. That being said having sex you really do not want to have is awful.
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Nov 28, 2019 12:57:49 GMT -5
I also think it's possible that sometimes people have genuine libido mismatch and maybe someone wants sex twice a week and the other person wants sex 4 times a week. Most here would welcome that particular problem as an improvement. ;-) The tone of this article makes me both angry and sad. Angry because the author should know that frequency is a highly individual threshold, and suggesting a particular volume is “a lot for anyone” (especially in an article to the general public!) is frankly irresponsible. Although he gets to the underlying problem being a mismatch of motivations and desire, he’s stuck in a groove that high frequency is dysfunctional. Sad because, for a therapist, he presents a pretty low opinion of an active sex life and uses this platform to implicitly shame people who might genuinely enjoy a higher frequency. For this singular patient, his diagnosis sounds correct, but to suggest that higher frequency is universally a sign of dysfunction (and not, perhaps, a really passionate relationship) is disheartening. Unless it’s interfering with daily life, sex 3-4 times a *day* could easily be an acceptable pace for a high-libido couple. That’s a lot, to be sure, but it takes a lot more than a number to decide if it’s “bad”.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Nov 28, 2019 17:45:48 GMT -5
The article seemed quite reasonable to me. In as much as the broad principle that a big disparity in sexual needs between spouses is indicative of big problems.
That's true for most of the members here - who are unsatisfied in their ILIASM deals because of the lack of sex.
Why wouldn't it be true for people who are unsatisfied in their situations due to an excess of sex ?
It's the same principle in play, but whereas "we" (ILIASM members) look at it from our (refused) point of view, this article looks at it from the other (refuser - or perhaps "reducer") point of view.
A big disparity in sexual drives is going to cause a big fuck up in a relationship, which ever way you look at it, refuser or refused.
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Nov 28, 2019 17:57:00 GMT -5
This article makes it sound like it's perfectly okay to "put the breaks on it" if it fits YOUR needs. Certainly a one way street approach to a relationship.
|
|
|
Post by DryCreek on Nov 28, 2019 18:42:44 GMT -5
Why wouldn't it be true for people who are unsatisfied in their situations due to an excess of sex ? Certainly. Just as we are unhappy with the lack of intimacy, our spouses may also be unhappy with our constant desire for more. Two sides of the same coin. The misrepresentation here is that “too much” is a universal constant, instead of acknowledging that the “right amount” is whatever a couple agrees to. The discrepancy is the problem, not an arbitrary number. (And in this example, the discrepancy is rooted in their reasons for wanting sex, not just the frequency.)
|
|
|
Post by baza on Nov 28, 2019 19:19:55 GMT -5
Agreed Brother DryCreek . An arbitrary figure of "3 to 4 times a week" on one side - and on the other - an often quoted "less than 10 times a year" Such nominated frequencies are subjective opinions, not objective facts.
|
|
|
Post by elkclan2 on Dec 3, 2019 3:44:32 GMT -5
Thank you DryCreek - that's the thing that was bugging me - that someone who wants sex 3-4 times a week obviously has something WRONG with them. Not - as others have rightly pointed out - if X wants 3 times and Y wants 1 or none - both have a problem because neither are getting what they want from a relationship. My partner and I have sex more than 4 times a week. But everyone's happy. It doesn't mean that we're compensating for something else, it's that this is one of the ways we express affection and care for each other, plus it feels good and is fun.
|
|
|
Post by hopingforachange on Dec 4, 2019 15:53:08 GMT -5
I don't like that he hasn't wrote an article (that I have found) addressing the inverse perspective.
When Your Partner never Wants Sex All the Time: What it Means
|
|
|
Post by baza on Dec 4, 2019 18:37:48 GMT -5
I don't like that he hasn't wrote an article (that I have found) addressing the inverse perspective. When Your Partner never Wants Sex All the Time: What it Means There's the thing. Your options are the same, whether you are the refused spouse (not getting enough sex) or the refuser spouse (getting way more sex than you want) The key issue in either case is the core incompatibility in regard to sexual expression in the situation. You are the refused spouse, getting way less sex than you want ? Your options are stay, cheat or leave. You are the refuser spouse, getting way more sex than you want ? Your options are stay, cheat or leave. This article by Seth Myers and the suggestions therein is equally applicable to either. It is advice for a sexually dis-satisfied spouse. And the suggestions are equally applicable whether your dis-satisfaction comes from not getting enough sex - or from getting too much sex.
|
|
|
Post by solodriver on Dec 7, 2019 22:11:59 GMT -5
"My partner and I have sex more than 4 times a week. But everyone's happy. It doesn't mean that we're compensating for something else, it's that this is one of the ways we express affection and care for each other, plus it feels good and is fun."
This, to me, is what lovemaking should be about. Wanting and desiring to be intimate and loving with the one you love. Anything else , to me, isn't right.
|
|
|
Post by petrushka on Dec 16, 2019 5:36:38 GMT -5
Thank you DryCreek - that's the thing that was bugging me - that someone who wants sex 3-4 times a week obviously has something WRONG with them. Not - as others have rightly pointed out - if X wants 3 times and Y wants 1 or none - both have a problem because neither are getting what they want from a relationship. My partner and I have sex more than 4 times a week. But everyone's happy. It doesn't mean that we're compensating for something else, it's that this is one of the ways we express affection and care for each other, plus it feels good and is fun. In fact I would go so far as to deduct from Dr. Seth's assertion that "people who want sex 3-4 times a week do so out of anxiety" is slagging off people with a high sex drive and I wonder if Dr. Seth isn't trying to justify his own asexual, or low sex drive, refuser-dom.
He's saying if you want it 4 times a week, you're 'nuts'. I reckon if you say something like that, you're 'nuts'. It makes me wonder how he got his degree .....he doesn't look very scientific to me.
Personally, while I'm more of a 2-3 times a week person, I have also known people who want it every day, and I don't consider that to be crazy either: it is who they are, period. You'd need a lot more data before calling them dysfunctional (anxiety).
In my not so humble opinion the guy is a quack the way he voices his disdain for people with different wants/needs than his own. The way he buys into "men want it more than women" is ignorant. 'nuff said.
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Dec 17, 2019 13:57:55 GMT -5
Thank you DryCreek - that's the thing that was bugging me - that someone who wants sex 3-4 times a week obviously has something WRONG with them. Not - as others have rightly pointed out - if X wants 3 times and Y wants 1 or none - both have a problem because neither are getting what they want from a relationship. My partner and I have sex more than 4 times a week. But everyone's happy. It doesn't mean that we're compensating for something else, it's that this is one of the ways we express affection and care for each other, plus it feels good and is fun. In fact I would go so far as to deduct from Dr. Seth's assertion that "people who want sex 3-4 times a week do so out of anxiety" is slagging off people Aside from reducing the stressors themselves, what habits do people use to reduce stress? Some people eat, fidget, read, watch TV, work out, drink, smoke, or talk. Why is sex worse than other ways, on the face of it? I suppose if that if only one thing could be true at a time - and I only had sex to reduce stress and not because I was attracted to or loved that person - it might be an issue over the long term. But two things can be true simultaneously: I could have sex when I'm stressed - AND I could have it with someone I love and am attracted to. I'm uncertain as to why that possibility does not seem to exist here.
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Dec 21, 2019 20:16:59 GMT -5
Meh, it's an eharmony blog article. Not the best source of good psychological advice, IMHO.
|
|