|
|
Post by JMX on Jul 5, 2020 22:20:41 GMT -5
I was just reading the "deadbedroom"(DB) over on Reddit. Alwaysdenied, you need to be 25 yrs old again. Many of the women on DB are complaining about no sex for several years and leaving their live in BF. What is the world coming to? Sperm and ejaculate counts down, more and more men with diabetes and men playing XBox instead of having sex with their women. They’re not eating meat, too much sugar and carbs - too many processed oils. Makes for mentally unstable people. I say this as someone who is also trying to get off of carbs and sugars. I know when I am more in tune with my biology, physically and mentally. |
|
|
|
Post by Handy on Jul 5, 2020 22:29:48 GMT -5
I know there are too many "processed foods" people eat.
Apple banana or orange, I try to eat 2 of the 3 a day.
It is difficult or expensive to get away from over processed foods. I shy away from most fats.
|
|
|
|
Post by JMX on Jul 5, 2020 22:32:14 GMT -5
Might be timely for you to re-evaluate a couple of those life values you have Brother alwaysdenied . Like - "I'm one of those til death do us part types" Are you finding that life value is enhancing your life, or are you finding it to be a depletive influence on your life. It may be time to put that particular life value under the microscope. Yep. I am a “death do you part” type - and I am dead emotionally. Seems fair to end it. |
|
|
|
Post by JMX on Jul 5, 2020 23:00:42 GMT -5
I know there are too many "processed foods" people eat. Apple banana or orange, I try to eat 2 of the 3 a day. It is difficult or expensive to get away from over processed foods. I shy away from most fats. Might be a mistake to stay away from the fats... make for a healthy brain. |
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Jul 6, 2020 1:03:05 GMT -5
I know there are too many "processed foods" people eat. Apple banana or orange, I try to eat 2 of the 3 a day. It is difficult or expensive to get away from over processed foods. I shy away from most fats. Bananas and most fruits in season are inexpensive. No excuses! |
|
|
|
Post by alwaysdenied on Aug 4, 2020 15:43:57 GMT -5
I didn't just want to reply to everyone so I will try and give an update along with some answers.
My W has body issues where she hates everything (especially her weight and size) about herself. She's tall and broad shouldered with most of her weight gathering in stomach and ass area. However at 5'10, she's only around 180# so you can understand that while not Barbie sized, she's NOT really in reality of calling herself a blimp or whatever hateful thing she can say about herself. This has probably been with her since very early childhood with a mother who didn't want a chunky girl as a daughter. Something she was supposed to talk to the therapist about (the main reason she decided to do it) and yet she said she didn't talk about it. BTW, while we're on the therapist, that was a 1 and done. She is convinced she doesn't need it. Back to the weight thing. She is constantly on a diet, which really means do it right all day and then after a few glasses of wine, raid the chips. This of course continues the spiral. Even when she is trying to be strict, she cannot stop the wine which results in chips/etc later.
Now it seems like everything adds to her disaster. She now just says, "I'm depressed". To which I am somewhat sympathetic, however I've done everything I can do to help this situation to no avail. At this point I assume she uses it as some sort of club to always get her way or to get out of acting civil.
The good part for me anyway is that I'm over having sex with her. Sometimes she will say... tonight let's have sex but I'm way past the dummy who falls for that. Now I just know it's all lip service. From the poll post here... yes I once believed everything was awesome except the sex. Little by little I realized how much I overlooked if the option of sex came up. However now that I'm understanding the problems, I don't even wish for sex with her. No idea if I would stay once the kids are gone even if she somehow finds a miracle fix to these problems and her actions. My kids have begged me to not leave her because they don't want to be alone with her if we separate. That's not from me talking to them, but from them feeling the wrath of her during her episodes of rage. So at least 4 years. I'm prepared to do all I can as a father and even try to continue to work on my dead marriage as a husband. If I'm honest, I wish things could be fixed with her to a point where I could trust her again and we could openly work on fixing this together. But being honest again... I don't see her ever earnestly trying to fix herself at any time in the future.
I'm working on myself now. Working on exit plans and dieting along with exercising. I'm now sugar free, carb free (or reduced to <10 a day), and more importantly Alcohol free. Fruits aren't on my diet sorry :-P
|
|
|
|
Post by saarinista on Aug 4, 2020 18:27:00 GMT -5
alwaysdenied have you consider checking out an Al-Anon group? It sounds like your wife might actually be alcoholic. I realize that's not the main issue that this forum covers but I just bring it up because AL Anon groups are easy to find and you might really get some good support there for a lot of issues. Just a thought FWIW. It may or may not be appropriate.
|
|
|
|
Post by baza on Aug 5, 2020 0:56:52 GMT -5
Adding to what Sister saarinista says. In my deal there were assorted issues as well as sexlessness, among them my spouses affair with the slot machines. I joined a group called GamAnon, a support group for people where a family members gambling habit was impacting on the relationship. It follows the 12 step format common to many support groups and I found it very helpful indeed. The value you might get out of AlAnon is not going to be discovering the magic bullet solution (because there is no such thing) but rather how you are going to cope with the problem if you choose to remain in the situation. If you are averse to "group" therapy, the AlAnon environment might not be for you |
|
|
|
Post by workingonit on Aug 5, 2020 8:35:58 GMT -5
Would it be possible to get custody of the kids? Talk to a lawyer and find out what kind of stuff you need to document to try to make that happen. Modelling for your kids that you accept bad behavior as your lot in life is likely not what you want to be teaching them.
In defense of your wife I will say it is HARD to be a big woman! I am 5'8, built broad (my best friend is literally 2/3 my shoulder-shoulder width!) and I was a competitive swimmer so I have muscular shoulders. Having grown up in this world that favors petite women it is hard to overcome the conditioning that there is something wrong or not feminine about me. The messages I got about this were everywhere in my life. There is an assumption about us tall women that we are stronger and more emotionally man-like than small women. The majority of my friends are and have always been smaller than I am. That makes me feel like a giant at times and can be very hard on the female ego - and I am not that tall!! It IS possible to work through some of this and I mostly have. It took lots of work and I will still occassionally have a moment. I am not excusing your wife's unwillingness to address the issue but just letting you know the messages tall, broad women get from the world are EVERYWHERE and difficult to manage.
|
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Aug 5, 2020 12:18:51 GMT -5
There's much more to life than sex, however intimacy is the core to a healthy marriage and a healthy life. And rejection/control at that core of a level is devastating. Yes. There is more to life than sex. In fact, there are some vocations or religious callings that require as some act of sacrifice, a lifelong vow of celibacy. What you have is not necessarily an absence of sex, but rather a de facto celibate vow. When I think of celibate vows, I consider those existing as part of a whole support framework in which the vow is given meaning, and as part of a community in which the vow is supported. Marriage is not intended as a celibate vow. People tend to weigh this out as a balance between family vs sex life. When you are being manipulated and when you are uphold the fantasy of a marriage, it makes sense to try to balance it that way to make it easier to suck it up and avoid the conflict. It frames her aversion as indifference to sex, and not her aversion to you, overriding her natural sexual drive.Anecdotally, it seems that most intimacy averse partners seem to go on - very quickly - to robust sexual adventures with different partners following separation. Those with an intersection of self-esteem issues AND celibacy, tend to get into affairs when they meet someone who gives them butterflies and it is reciprocated. I've seen that happen with my ex-wife. Dating quite a bit as a separated man, I've also been the beneficiary of this when dating separated or divorced women - who, themselves, were intimacy averse in their marriages. It's not necessarily that she is averse to sex, or even averse to her own sexual personae (even if she appears to be so). The problem is that - for reasons - she views you as not being a viable sexual partner for her. Not even in the ballpark. Likely nothing to do with your sexual prowess. It's hurtful - constantly - because you are aware on some level that you are being judged and found to be not good enough to be a sexual partner to her. So, reframing this - it's not so much "more to life than sex". Rather, it becomes "Am I living in a married relationship to a person who loves me as a wife or husband?" |
|
|
|
Post by alwaysdenied on Aug 5, 2020 13:28:40 GMT -5
I wouldn't doubt someone giving her attention and her cheating in the least apocrypha. In fact, it's her horrible self esteem that makes me keep a watch for this. I'm well aware I'm not an object of desire to her. In fact, the only thing I have going for me as far as she's concerned is a stable 'partner' who is the one who does all the hard things she doesn't want to do. I can sleep well at night knowing I've done ALL I can to fix this marriage and even all I can to help her. It's not like I'm some selfish cad. In fact, I've loved without question for so many years and done all I could to make her life easier, all the while creating a monster. After a while we just come to the cold hard truth that there really isn't anything I can do because it's a 2 person setup. I can't clean enough house or make enough money or be a good enough father/husband to make up for her deficit. As odd as it seems... I'd be happy for her if she could find someone who could make her quake so much she disregarded her own self hate.
workingonit, I'm well aware of the hardships she's had. However I've never been one to judge her on weight or size. In fact, I don't really take stock in that. I don't pine over petite women or hotties. I'd prefer someone who is confident enough to accept who they are and know that I'm into THEM. Her hating herself is going on as I had been fully appreciating her and her looks. As she has told me many times... "I can't believe what you say about my body because you want me if I'm fat or skinny". And that's true.
I'm not down for AA or any group therapy. I don't need it. If it was something she asked me to do to help curb her alcoholism, then I would seriously consider it. However, her drinking is one of her best held secrets for the most part none of her family or mine really even know she drinks. Lately she gets meaner and meaner every time she has a big ole glass of wine. The best part of all our nights is when she semi-passes out and decides to go to bed before 8pm. I'm sure custody wouldn't be a problem since I have older kids who could probably let the court know who they wanted to stay with. However, I'm just not at that point yet. Either way, she's the one who needs to have her own moment and decide to fix it. It's the same with her abuse problems requiring therapy.
|
|
|
|
Post by Apocrypha on Aug 5, 2020 16:54:54 GMT -5
I wouldn't doubt someone giving her attention and her cheating in the least apocrypha. In fact, it's her horrible self esteem that makes me keep a watch for this. I'm well aware I'm not an object of desire to her. In fact, the only thing I have going for me as far as she's concerned is a stable 'partner' who is the one who does all the hard things she doesn't want to do. I can sleep well at night knowing I've done ALL I can to fix this marriage and even all I can to help her. It's not like I'm some selfish cad. In fact, I've loved without question for so many years and done all I could to make her life easier, all the while creating a monster. After a while we just come to the cold hard truth that there really isn't anything I can do because it's a 2 person setup. I can't clean enough house or make enough money or be a good enough father/husband to make up for her deficit. As odd as it seems... I'd be happy for her if she could find someone who could make her quake so much she disregarded her own self hate. What does cleaning a house have to do with finding someone uniquely attractive? When you consider your, or her, previous attractions, or your present ones: where does the ability to clean a house fit within the overall gauge of their sexual appeal? Would a professional housecleaner be the most attractive kind of mate for her? It's not uncommon to be saddled by your partner for simply the burdens of living. All those things have to be done whether someone is married or not - cooking, cleaning, etc. What this shows is that it's not about the work, per se - it's about her contempt for you. No amount of scrubbing the floor and gourmet meals and unconditional love is going to make you earn love because you deserve it. Is a unique mutual shared attraction a prerequisite to your vision of what a marriage is? As opposed to, say, amicable ex-spouses? |
|
|
|
Post by alwaysdenied on Jun 30, 2021 11:35:52 GMT -5
Wow I can't believe it's almost been a year since I've given an update. I've posted various bits here and there on different posts, but I enjoy being able to read my old posts to see where I am and what I was thinking at the time.
So my wife is full on menopause and uninterested in any advances from me. She now wakes up and can't go back to sleep. This means no hug or even contact when I come to bed or in the middle of the night. Sometimes it doesn't even matter. I'll come to bed and she will bolt awake and not be able to go to sleep. Frustrating for the both of us. She talked to her gyno about it and got some kind of relaxation pills but refuses to take them. I'm not sure if that's because she prefers the wine or if there is something else. Regardless it's yet another part of her life out of control that she has solutions but refuses to even attempt to fix.
The drinking is much worse. It's to the point where I rarely see her sober until the weekend. She leaves before I do for work and gets home an hour earlier. She'll already be on her 2nd or 3rd glass of wine. She says she wants to quit but of course doesn't even try. Everything is lip service/talk. The other day she let the cat out of the bag though. She's been bugging me to go on a family vacation. Everything is so damned expensive right now, but we found a place. Booked said place. YAY! Finally a plan and place for that badly needed vacation. The next day she was sending me a text about a place to go to for vacation. When I got home I said that no we couldn't because we just literally paid for a vacation and it wasn't refundable. She looked at me with these big saucer eyes and said, 'We did??!??' She was so blackout drunk that she didn't remember it. She had been covering it so well and lets face it, it's easy because I don't really care anymore. I know she's not happy and she has threatened to leave, even to the point of getting in the car but realized she was way too lit to drive. So I get happy drunk and angry drunk but never amorous drunk wife.
Continuing on my path of getting myself better and prepared. She doesn't want sexual attention and I'm to the point where I don't want to give it to her. Things are amicable when she gets her way. Of course they are and I'm pretty good at avoiding confrontation. I've started fishing and hiking and kayaking. When I purchased a kayak, she asked if I got her one too because she wanted to come with me. So I went ahead and spent the money even though I knew it would be a waste. She went once and never again. 'Too hot'. I just go now and don't even invite. If she wanted to come or do something else, she knows all she has to do is say something and I'd be game.
So as of now... I hate to say it, but I've had to train myself to fall out of love and become a better business partner. It's not the relationship I want or will endure past what I feel are my obligations. But I'm a person who doesn't do things unintentionally. I want to be able to live with myself without regrets. I don't regret marrying her. I regret overlooking so much basically on the promise of sex. She has noticed I'm not giving her the attention she's used to but hasn't outright questioned me. I feel like she will soon and I'm ready for it. But basically I'm giving her the marriage she demanded. As an adult she could admit and seek help with her problems, but refuses to better herself or make even the slightest effort. It can get depressing and I have to resist the urge to try and jump in and fix her side of it. I have to tell myself that I've been there and tried it to no avail. So now, I'm busy fixing my side of it, but won't become a lap dog anymore. It's just 3 years.... 3 years to get myself ready for something I said I would never do. Now that I look at it all, the sexless part doesn't seem that bad but nah it was.
|
|
|
|
Post by ironhamster on Jul 1, 2021 2:50:30 GMT -5
Clarity is a wonderful thing.
|
|
optima
Junior Member
Posts: 35 
|
Post by optima on Jul 1, 2021 22:03:34 GMT -5
I too am an “until death do us part” guy. It sounds like the mental illness was the breaking point for you. If she had agreed to appropriate psychiatric treatment would that have changed your course of action?
|
|
