Post by TMD on Mar 7, 2020 2:14:34 GMT -5
Here I am. Returned to the ILIASM forum. An original (prodigal?) member, an immigrant from the old Experience Project (EP) boards. Still in an SM, so to speak. But for all intents and purposes, it’s not a marriage. That is something the person I am married to and I agree upon. I may be still entangled with an AP. Maybe not. I’m not confident on that front.
I begin writing this with the belief that you all remember who I am. Although, these days, I don’t recognize myself. I am deeply depressed and aimless.
Brief background: married since 1997 (I stopped counting the years and no longer care what the number is). Sexless marriage from inception of so-called relationship, which really would have been a good, but likely brief, friendship, had I not had some crazy idea to pursue the man-child. I have previously admitted I was not terribly attracted to him, from the beginning. But I have since come to realize that it wasn’t his physicality, so much as it is how we are together. We don’t really have *it.* That, or my gut instinct that he was (still is?) deeply addicted to porn means he isn’t capable of seeing a sexual partner as anything but an object. Which eradicates any possibility of intimacy and trust. Maybe that requires a longer explanation? How does a couple develop intimacy in a scenario like that? Anyways, and surprisingly, we have two kids (15 & 11), despite the lack of sex. First child was conceived quickly after about 6 years of marriage and intercourse less than 6 times in that same span. Second one was aided by the fertility clinic. We had more sex. It was not fun. Didn’t work. Not really a surprise when I look back at the state of the marriage we were pretending was reasonably okay, but was barely on life support.
In late 2012, I was despondent, depressed. I had been asking for intimacy. Fell on deaf ears. I had a moment in which I seriously considered suicide and it scared the hell out of me. After that incident, I sought counseling (and found EP) and was able to identify quickly that the marriage I was trying to hold together was not a marriage. We tried to ignite things, but he’s not really a responsive kind of guy, so it fizzled away. Like usual. When I sought to collaborate with him, it fell flat, and I told him I would never have sex I with him again. And we haven’t.
I applied a band-aid solution; an affair partner. We have been at it since early 2013. 7 years. But as of late, I am done. I can’t keep pretending. And so we are... undefinable... at this time. So much so that he’s off across to the other side of the world next week. And he just told me. By accident. So, I am... I don’t know. I don’t even know if I care anymore. Not that I don’t care about him, but I can’t. I’m barely keeping my head above water.
What do I know? I am 49. I am facing the fact that I no longer have my youth. I no longer have a career. But I work in a stressful job in which the pros almost don’t outweigh the cons. But I need the job if I separate. So what can I do? (It’s a rhetorical question).
I chatted with another dance mom tonight. One I see 1x a year at dance rehearsals. We are bonded by this strange commonality: We work. Then we race home to ferry children to their activities. We have no time to nourish ourselves. We are exhausted. We are lost. We don’t even know who we are or how we got to the point of being somebody we didn’t intend to be. I SHOULD HAVE HUGGED HER. BUT I MIGHT NOT HAVE LET GO.
So I don’t really know who I am. I go through the motions. I get up everyday and do what has to be done. And then I go to bed. And if I’m lucky, I may get a decent night’s sleep. But who am I kidding. That happens so very rarely.
What I do know is that it’s up to me to figure it all out. It’s all on me. I am confident that my spouse doesn’t want this marriage either. But he will let me do the work. Any idea where I can fit that into my already jam-packed life?
The silver-lining? I learned that I can get a 30-minute consult with a lawyer via the Employee and Family Assistance Program. Plus free counseling by phone, text, video chat, or in person. Good god. So many options. The question is... when? Are they available after work or on weekends? I hope so.
So here I am. Maybe I’m seeking solidarity. Maybe I simply needed to get this off my chest. I don’t know.
Please be gentle with me. I did not come back to be an example of the pitfalls of choosing to have an affair and stay in an SM. Give me a couple of days, okay, Baz? ;-) But in all seriousness, I don’t need a lecture. I have learned much from the members here in years’ past, your words often with me: seek legal advice, make an an informed choice, carry out plan (threats are useless). That much power I do have, when I am able to piece myself together to take the necessary steps.
I begin writing this with the belief that you all remember who I am. Although, these days, I don’t recognize myself. I am deeply depressed and aimless.
Brief background: married since 1997 (I stopped counting the years and no longer care what the number is). Sexless marriage from inception of so-called relationship, which really would have been a good, but likely brief, friendship, had I not had some crazy idea to pursue the man-child. I have previously admitted I was not terribly attracted to him, from the beginning. But I have since come to realize that it wasn’t his physicality, so much as it is how we are together. We don’t really have *it.* That, or my gut instinct that he was (still is?) deeply addicted to porn means he isn’t capable of seeing a sexual partner as anything but an object. Which eradicates any possibility of intimacy and trust. Maybe that requires a longer explanation? How does a couple develop intimacy in a scenario like that? Anyways, and surprisingly, we have two kids (15 & 11), despite the lack of sex. First child was conceived quickly after about 6 years of marriage and intercourse less than 6 times in that same span. Second one was aided by the fertility clinic. We had more sex. It was not fun. Didn’t work. Not really a surprise when I look back at the state of the marriage we were pretending was reasonably okay, but was barely on life support.
In late 2012, I was despondent, depressed. I had been asking for intimacy. Fell on deaf ears. I had a moment in which I seriously considered suicide and it scared the hell out of me. After that incident, I sought counseling (and found EP) and was able to identify quickly that the marriage I was trying to hold together was not a marriage. We tried to ignite things, but he’s not really a responsive kind of guy, so it fizzled away. Like usual. When I sought to collaborate with him, it fell flat, and I told him I would never have sex I with him again. And we haven’t.
I applied a band-aid solution; an affair partner. We have been at it since early 2013. 7 years. But as of late, I am done. I can’t keep pretending. And so we are... undefinable... at this time. So much so that he’s off across to the other side of the world next week. And he just told me. By accident. So, I am... I don’t know. I don’t even know if I care anymore. Not that I don’t care about him, but I can’t. I’m barely keeping my head above water.
What do I know? I am 49. I am facing the fact that I no longer have my youth. I no longer have a career. But I work in a stressful job in which the pros almost don’t outweigh the cons. But I need the job if I separate. So what can I do? (It’s a rhetorical question).
I chatted with another dance mom tonight. One I see 1x a year at dance rehearsals. We are bonded by this strange commonality: We work. Then we race home to ferry children to their activities. We have no time to nourish ourselves. We are exhausted. We are lost. We don’t even know who we are or how we got to the point of being somebody we didn’t intend to be. I SHOULD HAVE HUGGED HER. BUT I MIGHT NOT HAVE LET GO.
So I don’t really know who I am. I go through the motions. I get up everyday and do what has to be done. And then I go to bed. And if I’m lucky, I may get a decent night’s sleep. But who am I kidding. That happens so very rarely.
What I do know is that it’s up to me to figure it all out. It’s all on me. I am confident that my spouse doesn’t want this marriage either. But he will let me do the work. Any idea where I can fit that into my already jam-packed life?
The silver-lining? I learned that I can get a 30-minute consult with a lawyer via the Employee and Family Assistance Program. Plus free counseling by phone, text, video chat, or in person. Good god. So many options. The question is... when? Are they available after work or on weekends? I hope so.
So here I am. Maybe I’m seeking solidarity. Maybe I simply needed to get this off my chest. I don’t know.
Please be gentle with me. I did not come back to be an example of the pitfalls of choosing to have an affair and stay in an SM. Give me a couple of days, okay, Baz? ;-) But in all seriousness, I don’t need a lecture. I have learned much from the members here in years’ past, your words often with me: seek legal advice, make an an informed choice, carry out plan (threats are useless). That much power I do have, when I am able to piece myself together to take the necessary steps.