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Post by tiredofbeinglonely on Apr 27, 2020 3:16:14 GMT -5
Over the last 2 years, I have pulled myself together. After spending over 2 decades in a sexless, horrible marriage...I knew I was ready to make my way out. Self esteem was pretty low, and I had gained a significant amount of weight. Hey...food was at least temporarily comforting.
I've lost 185 pounds...and now run daily. I went from a size 28/30 to a 6. Quite a change! In the process, I've learned a lot about myself! I really thought the self esteem 'thing' would be like a light switch. It hasn't been though. It leads me to believe the self esteem is more tied to the sexless marriage/lack of empathy and intimacy than the weight.
How have others dealt with this?
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Post by baza on Apr 27, 2020 4:23:24 GMT -5
There could be something else in play too tiredofbeinglonely - timing. I doubt that your self esteem dropped like a rock at the very first sign of trouble in your deal. Rather, your self esteem was progressively and insidiously undermined over some considerable time. A slow process of accumulation. Now, you are in recovery, but that is unlikely to take off like a rocket straight away. But rather, it will rise incrementally (quicker than it went down tho - because you aren't getting daily doses of ILIASM poison). A process of decumulation. Really, you are probably going pretty well through the process. Stick with your process (as infuriatingly slow as it might seem from time to time) you are headed in the right direction, and time is now your friend.
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Post by tiredofbeinglonely on Apr 27, 2020 8:52:45 GMT -5
Over the last 2 years, I have pulled myself together. After spending over 2 decades in a sexless, horrible marriage...I knew I was ready to make my way out. Self esteem was pretty low, and I had gained a significant amount of weight. Hey...food was at least temporarily comforting. I've lost 185 pounds...and now run daily. I went from a size 28/30 to a 6. Quite a change! In the process, I've learned a lot about myself! I really thought the self esteem 'thing' would be like a light switch. It hasn't been though. It leads me to believe the self esteem is more tied to the sexless marriage/lack of empathy and intimacy than the weight. How have others dealt with this? Amazing job tiredofbeinglonely ! I only lost 50 pounds, and gained 15 back. At some point I came to the conclusion that she had no respect for my offerings of love. (Not necessaily talkin’ ‘bout sex). So I stopped offering. To her. Now I give it away to everybody else. Everybody. (Not necessaily talkin’ ‘bout sex). And I’m finding more [self] respect. No light switch. A lot like quitting drinking or smoking. There are so many temptations to go back down that rabbit hole. You have to stop singing that sad-ass song that’s been stuck in your head for 20 years. Get a new song stuck in there! I love that...time for a new song And yes...the self esteem issue took YEARS to get to that all time low. I am not nearly where I used to be...but ai still have so much trouble with anyone telling me I look good, that I am attractive, etc. I look in the mirror and see someone I am super proud of...it was a long journey. I just don't know what she is worthy of though. Need some more time I guess. Maybe time, and surrounding myself with positive people that bring joy to my life.
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Post by Handy on Apr 27, 2020 22:48:23 GMT -5
1. You have to feel loved to be loved. 2. Practice feeling loved (repeating affirmations) until you boost your feeling of being loved. 3. Think that the right relationships are easy. 4. Take advice from people in a good relationship, not from people in bad-poor relationships. 5. Relationships are to "give to" not to take from.
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Post by baza on Apr 27, 2020 22:58:42 GMT -5
tiredofbeinglonely A friend/life coach sent me this last week. I just listened to it today. I think we're both way past the point of no return on the "relationship fix" aspect of this video, but I thought the middle part was timely and interesting. Reminds me of the "sort out your own shit" advice that one of the elders here advises. You know which one. Also, the takeaway from the last bit is a reminder that you should not listen to a word I say: you should listen to baza . :-) Hey Baz, have you ever heard of this Aussie? No, haven't hither-to heard of her.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Apr 28, 2020 4:13:38 GMT -5
Hi.
Congrats on your weight loss! Ive dropped over 30 pounds myself. Feels great.
Keep up the efforts to work on yourself. The reward is the new you. There will be some days where others will see the new you and praise you. Most days it will not be that way.
But dont get discouaged because the work on ourselves is the best investment of time one can make. We become better for ourselves and over time for those we love and who love us back.
I encourage you (and others) to continue carving time out for you and those you love. Seek out positive and fruitful ways to spend your time. Interests, hobbies, passions,that not only fill your day but nouris your soul.
And on those days where you dont feel so great? Go easy on yourself. Develop a routine that can distract you for awhile and bring you back to a positive mindset. Help a neihbor or relative. Call a friend. Contribute to a community. Bake some bread for someone that will cherish it. Spend time with the kids. Usually doing something for others helps me. Your mileage may vary.
All the best!
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Post by tiredofbeinglonely on Apr 28, 2020 8:37:53 GMT -5
Love yourself...think that really is the best advice. I watched that video and could see I ranked that quite low as well. I started to think about all.of the things I wished I could change...or didnt exist in the first place. Need more positivity. There is a lot to be proud of. I sell myself short...and that's not okay.
Thanks guys!
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lonelycat
New Member
Posts: 19
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by lonelycat on May 19, 2021 8:46:06 GMT -5
Amazing job tiredofbeinglonely ! I only lost 50 pounds, and gained 15 back. At some point I came to the conclusion that she had no respect for my offerings of love. (Not necessaily talkin’ ‘bout sex). So I stopped offering. To her. Now I give it away to everybody else. Everybody. (Not necessaily talkin’ ‘bout sex). And I’m finding more [self] respect. No light switch. A lot like quitting drinking or smoking. There are so many temptations to go back down that rabbit hole. You have to stop singing that sad-ass song that’s been stuck in your head for 20 years. Get a new song stuck in there! I love that...time for a new song And yes...the self esteem issue took YEARS to get to that all time low. I am not nearly where I used to be...but ai still have so much trouble with anyone telling me I look good, that I am attractive, etc. I look in the mirror and see someone I am super proud of...it was a long journey. I just don't know what she is worthy of though. Need some more time I guess. Maybe time, and surrounding myself with positive people that bring joy to my life.
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lonelycat
New Member
Posts: 19
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by lonelycat on May 19, 2021 8:50:55 GMT -5
Your efforts are impressive – losing 185 pounds is huge and it’s no easy feat. I lost 30 pounds, gained 5 pounds back and that was with a lot of exercise, diet and waking up in the middle of the night with my stomach growling. I am curious what kept you motivated. I can relate to what Padgemi said about not feeling good when someone says that I am looking good or that I am attractive, I did not use to feel uncomfortable about such comments. I was in a Zoom meeting the other day, this woman made a comment about how pretty I am and she said something that to be honest I could not process because her comment completely threw me off guard. First, it was inappropriate; it was not the time and place for it. Second, I felt so angry and sad. I had a difficult time focusing on the meeting; all I could think was “What good does being pretty do for me?” NOTHING! I wanted to yell during the meeting “Thank you for your compliment, but you know what? I am in a sexless marriage. The not so attractive lady at the board meeting IS having way more sex than I do”. Before finding this Forum I was feeling like you, discouraged. One of the many helpful advices that I read here is the importance of self-care, to continue working on improving myself for my own physical and mental health. The pain of rejection caused me to give up on my well-being, it blinded me. Regardless of how my husband feels towards me, I am worth of love. I should not feel ashamed for feeling lustful, for wanting to be touched and I should not let myself go. When out and about, I started paying attention at random women, how they dress and how they carry themselves. I begin to wonder if the ones that dress fashionable are the ones with active sex life or are they the ones out on the prowl?. There’s got to be a proven correlation between a woman sex life and how she presents herself. I am spending so much time catching up here that I have not started a new thread/post. I feel that I am digesting everything I read here. It has been a month since I found this place and I am still amazed at how much I can related to people here. The feeling of loneliness and not having anyone to share and understand the sexless marriage shithole is slipping away.
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Post by mirrororchid on May 19, 2021 18:12:05 GMT -5
When out and about, I started paying attention at random women, how they dress and how they carry themselves. I begin to wonder if the ones that dress fashionable are the ones with active sex life or are they the ones out on the prowl?. There’s got to be a proven correlation between a woman sex life and how she presents herself. I am spending so much time catching up here that I have not started a new thread/post. I feel that I am digesting everything I read here. It has been a month since I found this place and I am still amazed at how much I can related to people here. The feeling of loneliness and not having anyone to share and understand the sexless marriage shithole is slipping away. On the prowl. pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18719219/It's a joy to hear how much you're getting out of ILIASM. I'll look forward to hearing more about your lifting mood and what course you plot.
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