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Post by jerri on Sept 4, 2020 1:46:41 GMT -5
ETA: in order to keep some of the intimacy I do go to his bedroom at night and kiss him goodnightand sometimes we will lay together and talk That's where I expect my wife and I to end up. I'll give her all the love she wants and not expect the gestures she doesn't want. It strikes me as pretty nice. So much better than her feeling pressured and me feeling starved. So far, though, the reset continues. If she's okay with that, so am I. Some are offended by reset, I wasn't, I welcomed it. I think it shows you do respect and care. Rember that she will be acting out because you said you at some point will be getting sex elsewhere. Let her flop around, if she is mean don't let her yank your chain. Stay calm and matter of fact...She may even threaten you, let it go. Acknowledge her, validate her then say what you need to say, kindly. It took my H a while to mirror my actions. It was a sweet day when he did because I knew I would get sex from him or my friend. H didn't step up to the plate. It angered and saddened me at first, then when I found my FWB I was happy when he wanted to try new things that I had found. BOY oh BOY, Life is good! It was a nice set up for me because my H knew I had put extra effort into it before I just gave up. I also told him I preferred him. Let me put it this way, when we are not good to our spouses why would they be good to us? It really teaches us how to deal with anyone which is an asset. |
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Post by jerri on Sept 4, 2020 2:12:02 GMT -5
My wife falls asleep on the couch or goes to bed early every night. Therefore, when I go to bed, she is usually already asleep. When I wake up in the morning, she is back on the couch sleeping to the TV or radio as background noise. I ask her why she moves from our bed to the couch in the middle of the night and she says it's because she can't get back to sleep without the background noise and doesn't want to wake me. She chose to ignore it when I mentioned I wouldn't mind if she woke me. I think it's actually a pretty clever refusal technique. I've learned over the years to *never* wake her asking for sex - I might be safer kicking a hibernating bear in the ass. So, if she's asleep early, I can't ask at night. If she's not in the same bed with me in the morning, I can't ask then. She's basically taken my ability to ask for physical intimacy off the table. Long story short, I am essentially in separate beds without being in separate beds, if that makes sense. If I made the "official" move to a separate bedroom, I can't imagine she would mind or that it would be that much of a change. Tell her you want to open the marriage on your side only, since she is not interested in sex. When she says, what? no? Say it's only sex, precious one, it is not something you want anyway. I am devoted to you, I just want sex. I value our marriage. Study how to open a marriage first, I have a pdf file folder in resorces. Honey bunch, I know you don't like sex, you don't have to go to bed early or leave the bed in the middle of the night. Do the one eighty technique and whatever she expects you to do, do the opposite. If it's not for you, maybe someone else will like it. Just brainstorming for someone since they say we have a very high rate of infidelity. I haven't really noticed that in here so far. Even though I would not call it infidelity since they were less than honest about not wanting sex. not a good idea unless you have had enough and want to rock the boat. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 4, 2020 5:53:20 GMT -5
My wife falls asleep on the couch or goes to bed early every night. Therefore, when I go to bed, she is usually already asleep. When I wake up in the morning, she is back on the couch sleeping to the TV or radio as background noise. I ask her why she moves from our bed to the couch in the middle of the night and she says it's because she can't get back to sleep without the background noise and doesn't want to wake me. She chose to ignore it when I mentioned I wouldn't mind if she woke me. I think it's actually a pretty clever refusal technique. I've learned over the years to *never* wake her asking for sex - I might be safer kicking a hibernating bear in the ass. So, if she's asleep early, I can't ask at night. If she's not in the same bed with me in the morning, I can't ask then. She's basically taken my ability to ask for physical intimacy off the table. Long story short, I am essentially in separate beds without being in separate beds, if that makes sense. If I made the "official" move to a separate bedroom, I can't imagine she would mind or that it would be that much of a change. I wonder about these people. My wife was like this too. Background noise crowds out thoughts, I think. Some folks cannot seem to calm their minds, or perhaps they don't let their minds race a while so it eventually calms down. (Obsessive thoughts don't mind recycling the same concerns or tasks over and over and may need some distraction?) This hit early on our marriage. I "won" early and we went to bed in dark silence. Did I leave the room to sleep? Maybe. It would have been over 20 years ago. Now she crowds out thoughts with game apps on her phone (terrible sleep hygiene!) On the odd side, just like men are accused of, sex makes my wife sleepy, yet.... that doesn't seem to be a weapon she chooses against insomnia. Refusers are weird. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 4, 2020 6:02:32 GMT -5
... she will be acting out because you said you at some point will be getting sex elsewhere. Let her flop around, if she is mean don't let her yank your chain. Stay calm and matter of fact...She may even threaten you, let it go. Acknowledge her, validate her then say what you need to say, kindly. It took my H a while to mirror my actions. It was a sweet day when he did because I knew I would get sex from him or my friend. H didn't step up to the plate. It angered and saddened me at first, then when I found my FWB I was happy when he wanted to try new things that I had found. BOY oh BOY, Life is good! It was a nice set up for me because my H knew I had put extra effort into it before I just gave up. I also told him I preferred him. Let me put it this way, when we are not good to our spouses why would they be good to us? It really teaches us how to deal with anyone which is an asset. She's been receptive to my observations that forced celibacy is not okay. I also suspect she knows threats of divorce won't work. I want intimacy with someone. I'm fine with it being her. Her menopause has made her a challenging lover (and not in a good way). I'm fine with trying to solve any physical problems. But trying is necessary, or freedom is. I was in a polyandrous triad in my twenties, so the idea of multiple lovers was easy to think of. My wife knows about it and explained that was a non-starter when we married. I felt fine about monogamy. Poly wasn't a must. So far, it still is. Poly is difficult. ("Just like monogamy, but more of it." - Multiamory podcast) When we said our vows and the forsake all others part came up I thought additional words "unless my wife agrees to poly." I should have thrown in, "Or my wife refuses me 36 times in a row." We went to marriage preparation with my pastor. Sexlessness was not a topic covered and frankly, it should be. If someone CAN'T have sex, what will you do? If you don't have that answer or can't accept the one your fiancee has offered. Do NOT marry. And optimism is really dangerous when you answer that question. |
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Post by mirrororchid on Sept 4, 2020 6:09:33 GMT -5
Long story short, I am essentially in separate beds without being in separate beds, if that makes sense. If I made the "official" move to a separate bedroom, I can't imagine she would mind or that it would be that much of a change. Tell her you want to open the marriage on your side only, since she is not interested in sex. When she says, what? no? Say it's only sex, precious one, it is not something you want anyway. ... Why just our side? If our refuser discovers their libido with another, why begrudge them? (Apocrypha reports a resurgence of lust when a new lover is introduced. I say it's Coolidge effect) Unilateral open marriage can be seen as a power move, especially for a guy accused of wanting a harem. Expecting fidelity, but not giving it. It's not as though we'll get more sex if we insist they stay celibate. I can see this demand for sex with only us could cause resentment making sex even less likely and cause serious friction. Arguably for good reason. To demand privileges for ourselves and deny them our spouse? This is a time when compersion may be demanded before poly even begins! You have to get comfy with the idea of your spouse getting intimate and enjoying it with someone else. It'll happen anyway after a divorce. So why the hangup? If the refuser doesn't engage a new lover, free brownie points. Fair warning, poly women usually have a far easier time finding a FWB than a guy. Prepare for some serious frustration. |
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Post by jerri on Sept 4, 2020 7:51:27 GMT -5
Because if she continues to deny him sex and decides to get another man and doesn't inform him she can say ,but,but,but honey, you told me to find a man for my pleasure and you would do the same. Just a personal preference, but I didn't want my husband to seek another woman until I felt wanted and pleasured by another. I personally needed the time to heal. It is so much harder for males 2 get friends with benefits. She could have a mate and no time and he could be left in the lurch and that would sting. There is only about 15% of people who will do this lifestyle anyway. He essentially will have a green light to step out because he informed her. In fact, some people use that green light to go ahead and step out of the marriage for sex and they do not inform their mate a second time and I don't blame them. I keep my sex life very private only if the person who is having sex with me gets to know the details. I agree with you. :-) I just wouldn't do it right away. I think I would tell my husband the details if he was a cheerleader, but instead he is jealous at times.
Most people are not capable of compersion. Plus, if she is cheating she should tell him what she's doing so he can make adjustments. Most won't. My therapist said my H would beat his chest and throw a fit before he read up on the issue. She was right.
Any way works.
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grower
Junior Member
Posts: 79 
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Post by grower on Sept 4, 2020 12:54:52 GMT -5
Separate, bed, bedroom, no sex = roommate.
Welcome to ILIASM. Now figure how your going
to get the F out. Life is to short not to
have a loving and sexually satisfying relationship.
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Post by lwoetin on Sept 5, 2020 1:40:21 GMT -5
My W moved to the spare bedroom 20 years ago, came back to the marital bedroom for a couple of years and moved to the spare bedroom over 5 yrs ago. That is when I quit trying to have a normal marriage and decided I am in this world alone. Today my W wanted a hug. No thanks, I am in this world alone. No use playing like we are married. I hate to break this to you, but from my perspective, I don't think normal marriages have much sex in the later years. And if there is no expectation of sex, then sharing a bed is quite agreeable. I also think it's tough to live alone in this world. What is the advantage of not making peace with your wife since you are married after all? I sleep in a different bedroom also. I would gladly accept a hug. (I did change the kitchen faucet after the pipe under sink burst and water started flooding our kitchen floor. Maybe the builders put in a cheap faucet that rusted badly.) |
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Post by Handy on Sept 5, 2020 3:00:13 GMT -5
lwoetin, if something is advertised enough, my W wants it. She will buy it to replace something we already have that works well to me. Yes, she has 3 sets of Mike Lindel's pillows. Incase you are not watching TV all day, Mike Lindel commercials are on several times a day, maybe once an hour. His stuff cost 3 or 4 times what the average product cost. TV commercials cost money so it is no wonder his products cost so much money. The kitchen faucet I bought is a Delta brand. It works well but is not one of those "wave your hand" over the faucet and it comes on. I am done with buying stuff just because it looks glitzy.
I have taken many loads of good things to the donation store because my W bought something newer.
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Post by lessingham on Sept 6, 2020 3:38:32 GMT -5
Our bedroom closet is stuffed with miracle pillows. Her physiotherapist was alwas recomnending high falluting pillows with huge price tags. They all felt like rocks and she discarded them.
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muzack
Junior Member
Posts: 57
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Post by muzack on Sept 6, 2020 7:53:37 GMT -5
Are we married to clones?  I have made so many Goodwill trips to discard items that were used for week and every couple month a new type of pillow to get the perfect sleep posture arrives. All of them are worse than the one basic pillow I have used for years. |
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Post by iceman on Sept 6, 2020 8:16:03 GMT -5
Technically we still sleep together. But my wife never comes to bed before 3 am at the earliest and more than half the time she’s sleeping on the couch when I get up in the morning. When she does come to bed it’s usually closer to 5 am.
The sad, and telling, thing is that I really don’t care. Actually, I prefer she not come to bed. No, actually I prefer she come to bed about 10 min before I get up so I don’t have to see her in the morning.
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Post by tamara68 on Sept 6, 2020 21:22:13 GMT -5
My friend and I are sleeping in seperate beds now, even though we do have sex. I decided to sleep alone because of his snoring and sleeping habits. I could hardly sleep next to him and was getting exhausted.
It does worry me though.
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grower
Junior Member
Posts: 79
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Post by grower on Sept 8, 2020 11:28:43 GMT -5
Hi Tamara, I think that is totally fine, I snore and
have a bad back, that causes me to toss and turn. I most of
the time either go or cook for an evening of dinner,
conversation, along with "dessert", We are both busy with
family and work and usually go home to sleep. The alienation
of love and sex is the issue, not where you sleep.
For those that figure sex is just for the young, don't kid yourself. me and
my honey are past 60 and going strong and enjoy an active and varied
sex life. If your happy with your circumstance, own it, if not, change it.
Maybe the best is yet to be found. A week of happiness might erase years
of misery. I have always thought that my true purpose in life could be a
brief moment that changes the world in some positive way. Peace
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Sept 8, 2020 15:27:01 GMT -5
My friend and I are sleeping in seperate beds now, even though we do have sex. I decided to sleep alone because of his snoring and sleeping habits. I could hardly sleep next to him and was getting exhausted. It does worry me though. I understand the worry but those are valid reasons. If you still take the time to snuggle, spend time together, have sex, then you're fine. |
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I have made so many Goodwill trips to discard items that were used for week and every couple month a new type of pillow to get the perfect sleep posture arrives. All of them are worse than the one basic pillow I have used for years.
