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Post by ironhamster on Nov 29, 2020 8:03:26 GMT -5
True. You can't fix your spouse. You can only fix yourself.
I know a number of lightbulb changing jokes. How about this: How many counselors does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but the lightbulb has to want to change.
The refusers, with extremely rare exception, don't want to change. They have what they want, and they do not care if their spouses are in agony. That's not love. That's control. No amount of crying or pleading is going to change that. Improving one's self, though, changes the circumstances. Trust me. If your spouse doesn't want you, somebody else will. Whether you stay, cheat, or leave, is your move.
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Post by sadkat on Nov 29, 2020 9:14:13 GMT -5
Thanks ironhamster. That makes a lot of sense, I’m going to work on myself. I’ve arranged a counselling session tomorrow (my first ever) and spoken to a personal trainer as I can’t motivate myself. In the past I loved running and ran daily for years. I’m going to try and change my mind set and enjoy being fit again. I don’t think I will ever fix his porn habit. I just have to decide if I should leave the relationship (I would miss him so much) or carry on in a sexless marriage and make the most of other things that make me happy. This is very good progress curious81! Kudos to you! Making the first step to seeing a counselor was excruciatingly difficult for me. I think it was mainly due to the fact that, by doing so, I acknowledged that my marriage was dead. A reminder- there is no timeline by which you need to make a decision. A good counselor will help you unwrap your feelings about your h and your marriage. You’ll achieve greater clarity and will eventually come to a decision that is best for you. Take the time you need to let that process unfold. My work with my therapist took 9 months of weekly sessions. This is definitely not easy or quick! We will be here to support you!
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Post by isthisit on Nov 29, 2020 13:49:38 GMT -5
Thanks ironhamster. That makes a lot of sense, I’m going to work on myself. I’ve arranged a counselling session tomorrow (my first ever) and spoken to a personal trainer as I can’t motivate myself. In the past I loved running and ran daily for years. I’m going to try and change my mind set and enjoy being fit again. I don’t think I will ever fix his porn habit. I just have to decide if I should leave the relationship (I would miss him so much) or carry on in a sexless marriage and make the most of other things that make me happy. I will add my congratulations to those of others. You appear to have absorbed the information available here and have used the wisdom to gain some momentum in acting to change your lot rather than running around in circles about it. Your positive choices to reclaim yourself are wise and will help you come to terms with your circumstances and what, if anything, comes next. I made the exact same realisation you did on arrival, sought counselling and began to put myself first in my thinking which I had not done for decades. Things accelerated from there pretty quickly. There is a noticeable trend here for women to arrive, finally see the big picture and act to change their deal. It seems that a lot less men are able to take the final step of that trilogy for reasons which are debated here form time to time. Brace yourself for a bumpy but worthwhile ride.
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Post by jerri on Nov 30, 2020 1:07:02 GMT -5
Counseling is slow 50 minutes once a week. Get a good book to go with it. I found books to be a great compliment to therapy. Make sure they don't have an agenda. Great therapist will only give guidelines. Make sure you make the choices.
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Post by petrushka on Dec 2, 2020 2:31:03 GMT -5
Counseling is slow 50 minutes once a week. Get a good book to go with it. I found books to be a great compliment to therapy. Make sure they don't have an agenda. Great therapist will only give guidelines. Make sure you make the choices.
A good therapist will ask questions. Some uncomfortable questions, too. If they're worth their salt, they won't tell you what to do.
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Post by jerri on Dec 2, 2020 3:38:00 GMT -5
Another tip is send the therapist your history beforehand.
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Post by saarinista on Dec 2, 2020 11:16:20 GMT -5
Another tip is send the therapist your history beforehand. Definitely think through your stuff too and write out your life history before hand to save time!
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Post by jerri on Dec 3, 2020 5:48:03 GMT -5
Therapist had me interview other therapists with a recorder and if they did not want me to record their sessions he told me to drop them on the spot!
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