mattyb
New Member
Posts: 8
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by mattyb on Nov 27, 2020 17:58:14 GMT -5
Hi everyone, hopefully this post is going in the right place :-)
I came across this website less than a week ago, and posted in the 'Introduce Yourself' thread and got some replies, always good as you know that someone is reading. It may be a cliche but this website and forums has just opened a new world to me, I thought I was alone, and over the last I don't know how many months just thought the issue was me and it was all my head - I wonder how many other newbies here have thought that?!
I have been with my wife for nearly 20 years, we have 2 kids, now teenagers. I put down the sex disappearing after the birth of our second child (now 14), we went for a period not long after 2nd child was born where we didn't have sex for 3 years, it drove me mad. I don't remember how exactly but we ended up at Counselling, it went well, we got back on the same page, lots of sex. But yes, things pretty quickly crept back to 'functional' sex a couple of times a year, always initiated by me, and its the same old routine, no variation and I am left (am sure she probably is as well) hugely unsatisfied.
I have tried talking on numerous times about it, but get told "don't be stupid", "nonsense", "we are not 20 anymore".
Roll forward to now, I just cannot do this anymore, I dread going to bed at night, I feel so alone, have given up expecting any sex but there is no physical contact, no kiss goodnight, no cuddle, and yes I just roll over and go to sleep, lucky for me I am person that never has any problems falling asleep. Staying alseep is something else. I realise, from a few stories I have read here, none of this is new/different to a lot of peoples experiences or situations. I have questioned myself (and still do) so much, is it me? I am expecting too much? Am I crap in bed and she is too polite to say? Yes I am no spring chicken and I don't expect my wife to have the body of a 20-year old anymore, in fact I have reaffirmed to her that that is not what its about. To me there is only one way from here and thats out and to start my life again, but its hard, kids, house etc but my mental state cannot endure this any longer, I am so unhappy. Life has its journey but this appears to a tricky part in the road.
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Post by baza on Nov 27, 2020 18:13:29 GMT -5
Every married person (be it a great marriage, an average one, or an ILIASM shithole) needs to know how a divorce (or act of God) would shake out financially. This is simple prudent. All marriages end. Death or divorce see to that. So Brother mattyb , my suggestion is that you see a lawyer in your jurisdiction and establish how a divorce would shake out for you. Not saying you should divorce. AM saying, that as a perfectly valid choice, you need to be fully informed so you can base your choice(s) on solid facts.
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Post by saarinista on Nov 27, 2020 18:49:39 GMT -5
baza That is great practical advice. Honestly, people ought to get inculcated about what happens when a marriage ENDS-be it via the death of a spouse or by divorce-at the time of marriage. Somebody ought to start a movement to make divorce education part of premarital activities. Maybe make a little widowhood /divorce 101 training part of getting your marriage license. 😏 For planning purposes, everyone should know the rudiments of what happens legally and financially if their marriage ends. We generally HOPE that marriage will include emotional, sexual and familial components, but at its core, marriage is a fiduciary agreement and a legal contract. Sex is implied, but not legally required. Maybe put that last sentence in fine print at the bottom of the marriage license, too, as an implicit warning.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 28, 2020 22:29:55 GMT -5
That implicit warning, saarinista, is a wonderful idea. Marriage is worse than a contract, because it is a contract with the State, subject to legislative and judicial whim, not written in stone. A business contract would have expectations and responsibilities and repercussions spelled out straight forward. Divorce law varies. My divorce was settled in 2018, and the jurisdictional state of Illinois had already changed their divorce laws twice by December of 2019, and I doubt they are any more fair now.
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Post by ironhamster on Nov 28, 2020 22:42:05 GMT -5
mattyb, once you know you are approaching endgame, you need to know the rules, and they vary. Talk with a lawyer. Know where you are now, and ask what you can do to ease your burden. In Illinois, per the law in 2018, with a "long term marriage," I am required to pay my ex 30% of my gross less 20% of her gross, with no clear end date. I could have reduced this by pressuring her back into the workforce. A gambit move would have been to quit my good paying job and deliver pizzas or fry hamburgers before all hell broke loose. Those things could work in your jurisdiction, or they could backfire. A lawyer can advise you. Most will give you half an hour before the meter starts running. Even if the conversation costs you a thousand dollars, it could save you tens of thousands in the long run. My condolences on your predicament. There are no perfect choices, here. I live more modestly than I did, but I am much happier. What ever path you choose, I hope you find your happiness, too.
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mattyb
New Member
Posts: 8
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by mattyb on Nov 29, 2020 14:00:51 GMT -5
ironhamster thank you for your advice and kind words. You last sentence sums it all up well for me and where I am at.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2020 12:42:07 GMT -5
You're still chasing "whys". If you've previously gone 3-years sexless and settled into a couple times per year, your W has made her decision. She doesn't want to have sex with you. Chasing the whys is usually (what's the percentage baza? 99.9%) a fools errand. If a partner goes off sex for a while for a specific reason, depression, medication, life circumstance then there might be a "why" to figure out and address. After 20+ years, that isn't it.
This group will usually tell you that you can leave/cheat/live with it. I can tell you (I'm 53) that in my mid-40s I was still trying to "fix" sex that had steadily declined to quarterly. I was doing so for most of your reasons (kids were all still home, money, etc.) By 50, her menopause was the final excuse she needed to stop having sex completely. That was 3 years ago. The hopeless romantic in me would like to believe people can come together again and work it out. The practical me knows better. I moved out of the bedroom and never looked back. That helped my resentment but it was also a full-on verification that our sex life was done.
So, get happy with yourself, remove sex with your W from that equation and see where it takes you.
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Post by gladifoundthisforum on Nov 30, 2020 13:19:47 GMT -5
Tooyoungtobeold; bloody hell, I think I'm going to cry. I'm 53, and would love to believe it'll all be alright again..... I'm slowly coming to the realisation that's it's probably not I'm a woman and have been brought up to think that men are 'always up for a shag' and all we have to do is offer and everybody's happy. god what a lie.
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Post by Apocrypha on Dec 1, 2020 14:39:28 GMT -5
I don't know how many months just thought the issue was me and it was all my head - I wonder how many other newbies here have thought that?! [...] things pretty quickly crept back to 'functional' sex a couple of times a year, always initiated by me [...] I have questioned myself (and still do) so much, is it me? I am expecting too much? Am I crap in bed and she is too polite to say? [...] To me there is only one way from here and thats out and to start my life again, but its hard, kids, house etc but my mental state cannot endure this any longer, I am so unhappy. Life has its journey but this appears to a tricky part in the road. It's very normal for most people who find themselves in this situation to wonder if it is real or the result of unrealistic expectations. Often people get gaslit - "Didn't we just have sex?" What you are describing is effectively celibacy. I can tell you that my experience and that of others in a post-separation setting is not one of celibacy, and certainly not one in which celibacy is the expectation. Generally speaking, the loss of sex and also the loss of associated intimacies that "could lead" to sex, if taken the wrong way, are a death spiral from events that happened long prior and that changed the way your partner feels about you or about the marriage or just being married. It's not indifference - it's easy to have "why not?" sex. She's overriding her own libido to avoid it with you. It's unlikely a problem of skill or prowess, unless you've forgotten how. I doubt that either of you would present an accurate description of your celibate commitment as a wedding vow. I think you would likely agree that this living arrangement isn't what you'd pose as a marriage if it was presented. It's a relationship of some sort - that's not dispute - but you wouldn't set out with this intention. So it sounds like it's time to consider changing the relationship format to reflect what it already is - and see if you can do the best version of that possible so that you both have a chance at happiness in your life again. A first step toward that is to become informed about separation and divorce in your jurisdiction. It doesn't mean you have to do it, but you need to evaluate the options available to you.
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Post by alwaysdenied on Dec 2, 2020 15:35:05 GMT -5
I understand your feeling completely. I went from thinking I had a sexless marriage to realizing I had a bad marriage due to my wife being unbalanced. My biggest problem is I don't really want to get divorced. I love the idea of being married and being happy. The idea. Unfortunately reality rears it's head. Usually I will get to the breaking point where I want to give up on trying to maintain both sides of the marriage and dissolve it. But then my unbalanced wife will magically transform into the woman I loved and even be hypersexual. Those hormones do wreck her totally. Then we'll steadily decline back to chaos.
I know that once I go see a lawyer, then I'm done with the marriage. So I'm holding off myself. But my biggest suggestion is to do what you can live with. As long as you can look in the mirror and feel good about your actions, then do it. I wish you the best. Sorry you're in this situation.
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 2, 2020 19:28:49 GMT -5
That sudden transformation of a sex avoidant spouse to hypersexual with a slow regression back to zero is "hysterical bonding". My wife went through this when she realized I wasn't joking about getting my needs met outside the marriage. We had an amazing romp, but in three weeks she was again comfortable and we were back to zero. Your exponential decay rate may vary.
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Post by jerri on Dec 3, 2020 6:14:42 GMT -5
I felt like I didn't belong and I felt unloved, but several therapists were telling me that lots of people go without sex and they are okay.
I thought I should just be strong and I knew I could handle it, but guess what? I hated that life! And until I made a decision to correct it, I was still going to feel left out.
I feel so much better and way more loving because I got to where l did not like my husband very much and was actively dismantling the home brick by brick.
I couldn't be like others, were they ok with it or just enduring as I had for so long?
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Post by Apocrypha on Dec 3, 2020 13:26:42 GMT -5
That sudden transformation of a sex avoidant spouse to hypersexual with a slow regression back to zero is "hysterical bonding". My wife went through this when she realized I wasn't joking about getting my needs met outside the marriage. We had an amazing romp, but in three weeks she was again comfortable and we were back to zero. Your exponential decay rate may vary. Hysterical bonding is a common result of an external trauma that threatens the relationship - like an affair or near death experience. A sudden swing in libido without an external cause is a common result with Bipolar Disorder. A manic upswing can result in hypersexuality and other disordered behaviors.
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DrNo
Junior Member
Posts: 52
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by DrNo on Dec 3, 2020 18:19:03 GMT -5
Most days I wonder how I keep going! I could have written this post!
I tried to talk to my mum, no joy with her as she spent 50 years in a terrible marriage. She just told me to “get a grip”!
23:19 at night and Here I lay “back” to my wife’s “ back”.... she thinks a little hand hold is intamacy. It’s not, I pull away, I grab my phone and log into Iliasm. She is asleep in seconds.
And here I am .... same thing night after night! Day after day.
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Post by mirrororchid on Dec 3, 2020 19:23:36 GMT -5
I felt like I didn't belong and I felt unloved, but several therapists were telling me that lots of people go without sex and they are okay. I thought I should just be strong and I knew I could handle it, but guess what? I hated that life! And until I made a decision to correct it, I was still going to feel left out. I feel so much better and way more loving because I got to where l did not like my husband very much and was actively dismantling the home brick by brick. ... Elsewhere you may read what Jerri ended up doing. She told her husband she was going to take a lover and kept loving him al the ways he liked until he realized it wasn't fair to object if he wasn't going to provide for her. Heed Baza's warning and prepare for a legal split, but you don't have to leave her to share intimate company. If she insists on leaving you rather than see to it that you are biologically validated, by someone, I think that says a lot, and it ain't none too pretty.
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