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Post by sadkat on Mar 3, 2021 21:49:31 GMT -5
I agree with Apocrypha- when emotions run high, we can’t think through things in a logical manner. We feel threatened and fear coming out on the losing end. There are a lot of preconceived notions and denial as we work to accept a new normal. flyingsolo- your best bet is to remain calm, show compassion, but stand firm in your resolve. She will eventually accept the reality and begin to work with you. Incidentally, I heard a lot of “I never said that” in my M as well. Gaslighting at its finest!
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Post by flyingsolo on Mar 3, 2021 21:58:09 GMT -5
Ya, so far other than yesterday, things have been pretty calm, although it was one of my kid's birthdays today. We'll see how tomorrow goes. I think I have my apartment nailed down. It would be nice for my kids to be able to see it to before I make a final decision, but I need to keep moving forward and we haven't told them yet.
I have told my wife I have no plan to make it adversarial and that I want her to have a chance to be happy in the future with someone as well. Her life will change though, but a big part of that is because she made no effort to work with me to try to save our marriage, even when I asked her to go back with me to a new counselor. That's on her, not me. I know I did all I could, and now I am choosing to be happy rather than lonely.
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 4, 2021 6:54:43 GMT -5
... I want her to have a chance to be happy in the future with someone as well... Set up an account for her: www.asexualcupid.com/Don't let some other poor bastard get tricked. Pastor at your STBX-wife's wedding: "If anyone has just cause why these two should not be married, let them spea-" Flyingsolo: "YO! Rev! Need a minute with the groom!"
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Post by flyingsolo on Mar 9, 2021 1:11:44 GMT -5
A quick update - I believe my wife has finally gotten things in gear on her end and went to see an attorney this morning. She told me she was leaving this morning and I asked her where she was going. "Out" was all she offered, which tells me she was meeting with her attorney. I am not sure why this is such a big secret she feels she needs to keep. I am the one that filed and I told her I had an attorney. I have no issues if she is meeting with her attorney and I encouraged her to do so. She is actually holding up the parenting agreement and my move out date by not moving faster to engage an attorney, so I am actually happy she finally did so.
She continues to pick at things and attempt to start fights, but I am no longer playing her game. I don't engage anymore on those attempts and I am staying out of her circus. My friend has a saying "Not my monkey, not my circus" and I am working hard to stay out of her attempts at conflict. She actually told her brother the other day that I filed for divorce and then when her brother called me yesterday to check in on me (we have a good relationship) and let me know that his sister told him about me filing for divorce, she actually accused me of being the one that told him and got all pissy about that also. I was like "Really? You are the one that told him when he called you. Remember?!?" She got really quiet after that.
So, welcome to Crazytown! Even given all that, I have NO regrets about filing and those of you choosing to stay in your sexless marriages should take note at what a liberating feeling it is to be able to tell your refuser that you aren't going to tolerate their behavior any more and give them all the power over your happiness. I feel a huge weight off my shoulders. I am heading over to the apartment development tomorrow to pick out my actual unit that I want and then I can start looking for furniture, etc. I am still trying to be very respectful of my wife as I know this will be a big change for her, but damn she is making it tough with the games she is playing and the stuff we talk about that she then has no recollection of.
On a side note, my special friend and I have continue to talk but only virtually. As you recall, she lives 500 miles away. I have plans to go see her for my birthday later this summer and also celebrate her birthday with her in August. By then, I should be moved out and much more free to explore a new relationship and whatever that entails. My attorney is well aware of this new potential relationship and is happy for me and has encouraged me to pursue it after my move out since I have already filed. I will do so discretely and cautiously but will enjoy being chased by a beautiful women who is interested in all facets of me (including intimacy) and vice versa. I will post more updates as I have them.
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Post by jerri on Mar 9, 2021 3:02:00 GMT -5
You have a good head on your shoulders, I think you will do really well The divorce cologne smells good on you!
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Post by baza on Mar 9, 2021 18:34:28 GMT -5
I think you are handling this changing dynamic really well Brother flyingsolo . Your relationship with your missus is fundamentally changing, moving from "spouses" to "co-parents" and I reckon your policy of not engaging her as "wife" but still engaging her as "co-parent" is really just recognising the facts of the matter. If she wants to assume the role of "picker of fights" that doesn't mean you have to give that any oxygen as the situation moves forward to resolution.
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Post by flyingsolo on Mar 9, 2021 20:00:57 GMT -5
So here's a quick one for you. I've had two of her family members call me in the last 24 hours after I filed for divorce (her brother and her favorite male cousin) and both have told me independently, without consulting with each other, that neither one of them agreed with how she treated me around the family, that she was rude and cut me down at times for no reason. Guess what? That happened all the time, not just at family functions. Try living with that every day when you provide for your family and your wife stays home. Both of them said they understood why I filed, that I would always be a part of the family, and that they completely respected who I was. Neither of them was aware of the complete lack of intimacy.
I AM NOT second guessing my decision to file for divorce in the slightest. When her own brother and her favorite cousin basically call me and tell me I made the right decision given the circumstances, what's that tell you about what I was dealing with in my marriage?
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Post by gladifoundthisforum on Mar 10, 2021 7:49:08 GMT -5
So here's a quick one for you. I've had two of her family members call me in the last 24 hours after I filed for divorce (her brother and her favorite male cousin) and both have told me independently, without consulting with each other, that neither one of them agreed with how she treated me around the family, that she was rude and cut me down at times for no reason. Guess what? That happened all the time, not just at family functions. Try living with that every day when you provide for your family and your wife stays home. Both of them said they understood why I filed, that I would always be a part of the family, and that they completely respected who I was. Neither of them was aware of the complete lack of intimacy. I AM NOT second guessing my decision to file for divorce in the slightest. When her own brother and her favorite cousin basically call me and tell me I made the right decision given the circumstances, what's that tell you about what I was dealing with in my marriage? Well, something Baza said on another thread was that a lot of 'sexless' marriages were probably just plain old 'bad' marriages.......... sounds like yours was a bad'un in more respects than just the sex. When other people (especially those who are on *her* side) understand why you're doing what y'doing, it means you're doing the right thing. So, keep going..... you ARE doing the right thing!
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Post by flyingsolo on Mar 10, 2021 17:34:12 GMT -5
I wouldn't necessarily describe ours as bad at the beginning nor really bad at the end (we originally did have a pretty good sex life), but I think somewhere along the way she lost the desire to continue to make our marriage work and when she quit caring I quit caring and putting in the effort. I was still going to marriage counseling even a bit after she quit and refused to go back. Shortly after that happened, I lost my desire to keep trying because I knew my wife was never going to be what I needed in a partner to have a successful marriage and she had no desire at restarting intimacy or sex. I had no desire to stay in a marriage where we were just waiting for our youngest to leave the nest for college. That's seven more years of my life and intimacy that I would be giving up. Those seven years are going to be incredible if I spend them with the right woman.
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Post by gladifoundthisforum on Mar 11, 2021 4:23:35 GMT -5
It the 'putting you down in front of others' that really winds me up when it comes to couple's behaviour. I know it's not that uncommon, but it seems to me to be really disfunctional and I can't understand why people do it. Not just because the partner is (usually unfairly) getting it in the neck, but what about the other people who they are 'in front of'?
What does the nagging/snarky partner think those others are going to do or say? Do they think their audience will agree? Join in? or what...?
Have they never noticed that the usual response is a short awkward silence followed by a slight changing of the subject? (or maybe that's just how us slightly repressed Brits deal with it!)
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Post by flyingsolo on Mar 17, 2021 11:50:02 GMT -5
So another quick update - my wife has been short and basically non-communicative with me. She still, after about three weeks, has not procured an attorney, which is holding up serving her the divorce papers, but that's about to change. She decided yesterday morning without us discussing it first that last night was when "I" was going to tell the kids that "I" had filed for divorce. While I had hoped that this was going to be a cooperative process for the benefit of our kids and to show a "united" front of sorts that we were both deciding together that we weren't happy, I see that she fully intends now to put the kids in the middle and make it very clear that I am the one breaking up the family (despite her withholding intimacy for a decade - which of course I can't tell them) because "I" wasn't happy. So she's gone the good parent bad parent route to make herself look good. Fine, I played her game and told the kids last night because I need to move forward. She sat there and did nothing other than give me dirty looks. The reactions ranged from my middle daughter sobbing, to my oldest (son) being angry. My youngest daughter, who I thought would take it hardest of all, actually gave me a big hug without crying and said "I'm sorry daddy. I'm sorry it didn't work out and I just want you and mommy to be happy, even if you aren't together". Tears man.
So I have some work to do with my son. He seems to be taking it the hardest, but he's also almost "out of the nest" as he will be leaving for college this summer. Both of my daughters were happy and smiling this morning and seemed to be somewhat back to normal, so I think they are going to be fine. My wife, on the other hand, I am really going to have to watch. She's proven to me that she isn't going to cooperate and is going to end up making it more difficult on herself in the process as the way I handle her is going to change. I really tried to take the high road and will do so with my kids and with regard to my wife in front of my kids, but this woman is crazy and manipulative.
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Post by Apocrypha on Mar 17, 2021 15:44:51 GMT -5
In essence, this is also the approach she has taken in the marriage. Seems her sense of participation is focused on making others feel her absence. If you are able to talk with her - big picture - in how this might be able to go, might be helpful to anchor on how she wants the future to be. One of the biggest surprises for anyone with kids is that you'll still be family - there's potential for a lot of contact ongoing. Moreover, think of times like your kids' birthdays, Christmas and other holidays, and big events like weddings. Those are going to happen irrespective of whether you two are in a Cold War or Hot War, or have developed a cooperative and "friendly" manner toward each other.
What I posed to my ex-wife was, "Imagine our daughter's wedding. We are both likely there. How do you want to feel on that day, seeing me? What do we need to interact and support each other so that, for the rest of our lives, we are each able to enjoy those moments without ruining them for each other through our mere existence?"
Once the decision to split has happened, there's not nearly as much opportunity to make nice again. People tend to disengage rather than hash things out. If someone is going to be a part of your life, one way or another, at many of the the big moments - it is in her own best interest to for her own mental health to find a way to be ok with that person.
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Post by baza on Mar 17, 2021 21:10:18 GMT -5
I mentioned back on March 10 that your relationship with your (STBX) is evolving as the transition from "married to you" to "not married to you" takes place.
What this 'new' relationship between you and her may end up looking like is not - yet - known.
All you can do is conduct yourself in a consistent, respectful and open way during this transition period.
What she does (and how she does it) is not a matter over which you have control.
I reckon you'll (both) come through this transition process ok and so will the kids. But it is probable that there will be some pretty lively patches as this all unfolds.
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Post by sadkat on Mar 17, 2021 21:22:52 GMT -5
flyingsolo- my son was not happy with me when I informed him I was leaving my M. He was away at school and I made a special trip to talk to him. At the time, my h was in full denial. I told my son anyway upon the advice of my therapist. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. He needed time to process the news. He eventually accepted it and even told me months later that he understood why I needed to leave. (I also gave the reason that I was unhappy). These guys understand more than we think they do. Give your son time to process and be available to him should he want to discuss things further. An invitation to a guys only dinner or ice cream might also be a good idea, if he is receptive.
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Post by flyingsolo on Mar 17, 2021 23:00:33 GMT -5
flyingsolo - my son was not happy with me when I informed him I was leaving my M. He was away at school and I made a special trip to talk to him. At the time, my h was in full denial. I told my son anyway upon the advice of my therapist. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. He needed time to process the news. He eventually accepted it and even told me months later that he understood why I needed to leave. (I also gave the reason that I was unhappy). These guys understand more than we think they do. Give your son time to process and be available to him should he want to discuss things further. An invitation to a guys only dinner or ice cream might also be a good idea, if he is receptive. Yes, I texted him this morning about having lunch with me on Friday, just him and I and he said he would like that, so that's already in the works.
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