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Post by Handy on Feb 7, 2021 11:30:46 GMT -5
Sav, thanks for posting your story. No, there are very few people that admit they aren't interested in sex so you will only see a post like yours maybe once a year. The folks here are a caring group so keep that in mind if someone gives their opinion that sounds difficult to comprehend.
One thing you can do is copy this post and put it into the 'Sexless Marriage Issues' group. Things tend to get lost in the' Welcome' group. I will give you my opinions when you start a thread in one of the other groups.
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Post by jerri on Feb 7, 2021 19:45:02 GMT -5
It's not like I have never realized something is wrong with me .. I've known that my avoidance of being intimate was/is not normal as nothing has ever felt normal (I don't know what that really is) being Phyical/Sex/Intimacy. I was 21 when I met her and first had sex. All my teen years until age 21 I avoided dating so I never had that experience. In my pre-teen years I did have a couple girlfriends and did kiss them but by age 13 the girls I would meet and be "boyfriend/girlfriend" always wanted to go further and I would resist. and usually I made excuse to get away and stop seeing them. Had a couple break up with me because I was a "Prude" Welcome to the forum, Sir Sav, and anyone is welcome to share. (((friendly hugs  )))) I wondered if my H shared some similarities with you. The part that hit me pretty hard was my H doesn't want to discuss sex. His first fall back is to just clam up and turn off the lights if it's dark outside and just sigh or listen. From his body language alone, I know it is a lost cause. I do point out how wonderful I would feel if he just made love to me. You wanted to have a normal marriage yet, you just could not bring yourself to tell her you never wanted sex? Didn't she blame herself in her talks to you since you did have sex those 10x a year in the past? I don't know about your wife, but I have mourned the loss of making love many years. I got really good at silent crying. I felt so lonely and thought I was ugly and just not sexy. Have you seen a therapist? They would normalize your desire to stay asexual. In fact, it's no longer in the DSM as a disorder. What would I have wanted? I would have wanted H to go to therapy with me, but he resisted all efforts to fix it. Do you act like you are stimulated? That is the thing that really perplexed me. Perhaps it is just the body responding to pleasure. |
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Post by baza on Feb 7, 2021 20:36:53 GMT -5
Brother sav . What would your attitude be if your missus regarded the lack of sexual engagement in your deal as a dealbreaker and moved to cheat, or open the marriage, or divorce ? Would you stand in her way, or support her ? Your post sort of reads like you are quite OK with the marriage as it is right now. Thing is, your missus may not be OK with it (if not now then at some future time) |
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sav
Junior Member
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Age Range: 51-55
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Post by sav on Feb 8, 2021 5:13:46 GMT -5
Sav, thanks for posting your story. No, there are very few people that admit they aren't interested in sex so you will only see a post like yours maybe once a year. The folks here are a caring group so keep that in mind if someone gives their opinion that sounds difficult to comprehend. One thing you can do is copy this post and put it into the 'Sexless Marriage Issues' group. Things tend to get lost in the' Welcome' group. I will give you my opinions when you start a thread in one of the other groups. I'll do that thank you. |
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sav
Junior Member
Posts: 23
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by sav on Feb 8, 2021 5:34:03 GMT -5
It's not like I have never realized something is wrong with me .. I've known that my avoidance of being intimate was/is not normal as nothing has ever felt normal (I don't know what that really is) being Phyical/Sex/Intimacy. I was 21 when I met her and first had sex. All my teen years until age 21 I avoided dating so I never had that experience. In my pre-teen years I did have a couple girlfriends and did kiss them but by age 13 the girls I would meet and be "boyfriend/girlfriend" always wanted to go further and I would resist. and usually I made excuse to get away and stop seeing them. Had a couple break up with me because I was a "Prude" Welcome to the forum, Sir Sav, and anyone is welcome to share. (((friendly hugs )))) I wondered if my H shared some similarities with you. The part that hit me pretty hard was my H doesn't want to discuss sex. His first fall back is to just clam up and turn off the lights if it's dark outside and just sigh or listen. From his body language alone, I know it is a lost cause. I do point out how wonderful I would feel if he just made love to me. You wanted to have a normal marriage yet, you just could not bring yourself to tell her you never wanted sex? Didn't she blame herself in her talks to you since you did have sex those 10x a year in the past? I don't know about your wife, but I have mourned the loss of making love many years. I got really good at silent crying. I felt so lonely and thought I was ugly and just not sexy. Have you seen a therapist? They would normalize your desire to stay asexual. In fact, it's no longer in the DSM as a disorder. What would I have wanted? I would have wanted H to go to therapy with me, but he resisted all efforts to fix it. Do you act like you are stimulated? That is the thing that really perplexed me. Perhaps it is just the body responding to pleasure. Thanks for the response jerri, ... My wife doesn't really want to talk about it. I have tried many times in the past but she has a difficult time with talking from her heart. Her replies are typically like she is trying to get an answer on a test right by guessing? It's difficult to explain. So she avoids talking and at this point she'll make some small talk suggesting sex and I understand she is trying her way still to see if I'll respond I guess? I have been in therapy and had four years of weekly sessions that did bring me back from the brink of suicide. It did help me reconnect to feelings as I was very numb emotionally since childhood from abuse/neglect from both parents and sexual abuse from my older sister. I don't fall in to the "asexual" type as I have had and do have desires but only act on them alone with masturbation with porn. As far as responding to sexual stimulation with her I couldn't stay erect when we first started but she was very casual on did not react negatively so I slowly gained confidence with her but I did and have always disassociated during sex with her so I had to adapt by staying in fantasy in my mind (like I was somebody else not me) and pretending I was watching her with this other person. I know weird but that's how I was only able to have sex. |
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sav
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Age Range: 51-55
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Post by sav on Feb 8, 2021 5:52:23 GMT -5
Brother sav . What would your attitude be if your missus regarded the lack of sexual engagement in your deal as a dealbreaker and moved to cheat, or open the marriage, or divorce ? Would you stand in her way, or support her ? Your post sort of reads like you are quite OK with the marriage as it is right now. Thing is, your missus may not be OK with it (if not now then at some future time) I don't really know why she didn't divorce me years ago as early in or marriage it became sexless. So many times I'd see her snapping at me or our children when weeks would go by since we'd last had sex. I knew she was frustrated and I knew that she needed it. So I would give her (I guess it's called pity sex from what I've read) some time and immediately she was very happy for a few days. I do believe in our 30's she was fucking a coworker that during that time I was so emotionally numb/depressed it didn't know but years later I put the pieces together and figured it out. I know it was a FWB situation but I can't blame her nor would I demand she confess. I believe it doesn't need to be addressed. I have let her know that she can have others (open marriage) but again she doesn't want to talk about any of this really. She has made it very clear that she's staying as she says to me "I know your in there" I would not stand in her way on anything and would be supportive if she wanted to have an active FWB. I'm not OK with this and am in the process of seeking therapy again but I don't know if I can get better. I deep down know this is hurting her and and feel like she has just accepted her lot with me but I can't understand why she is not able to help talk me through her feelings and really get this out ... maybe she's afraid she would then need to leave .. just don't know. |
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Post by baza on Feb 8, 2021 19:24:15 GMT -5
Usually, the sexually avoidant spouse is very keen to have the ILIASM deal continue into the foreseeable future and will act in ways toward that aim. Your attitude Brother sav , differs, in as much as you would not act in an obstructive manner if your missus wanted to move on. I think your attitude is sensible. |
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Post by lwoetin on Feb 9, 2021 1:21:03 GMT -5
I'm not OK with this and am in the process of seeking therapy again but I don't know if I can get better. I deep down know this is hurting her and and feel like she has just accepted her lot with me but I can't understand why she is not able to help talk me through her feelings and really get this out ... maybe she's afraid she would then need to leave .. just don't know. Welcome to the forum. It's useful to have members who are on the other side of the SM. I hope you find something here useful for you as well. It's good to know that you are attempting to save your marriage by trying to understand your lack of sexual desire. I don't blame my wife for lacking sexual desire for me. I don't take it personally. I would like it to change though. Good luck with your efforts in improving your marriage. |
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 9, 2021 6:11:27 GMT -5
I am in the boat with Iwoetin in that I never took my W's rejection personal. I believe it was just a combination of menopause and her mindset that I was no longer an Alpha male, because I was no longer administering multimillion dollar projects. It was just the way her body and mind worked after hitting age 60. I applaud your mindset in still seeking to find a way to be more sexual with her. That's something that is rarely found in a refusing partner.
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sav
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Age Range: 51-55
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Post by sav on Feb 9, 2021 7:10:18 GMT -5
I'm not OK with this and am in the process of seeking therapy again but I don't know if I can get better. I deep down know this is hurting her and and feel like she has just accepted her lot with me but I can't understand why she is not able to help talk me through her feelings and really get this out ... maybe she's afraid she would then need to leave .. just don't know. Welcome to the forum. It's useful to have members who are on the other side of the SM. I hope you find something here useful for you as well. It's good to know that you are attempting to save your marriage by trying to understand your lack of sexual desire. I don't blame my wife for lacking sexual desire for me. I don't take it personally. I would like it to change though. Good luck with your efforts in improving your marriage. Thank you lwoetin I'm glad I found this forum. Very helpful people here. |
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sav
Junior Member
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Age Range: 51-55
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Post by sav on Feb 9, 2021 7:24:09 GMT -5
I am in the boat with Iwoetin in that I never took my W's rejection personal. I believe it was just a combination of menopause and her mindset that I was no longer an Alpha male, because I was no longer administering multimillion dollar projects. It was just the way her body and mind worked after hitting age 60. I applaud your mindset in still seeking to find a way to be more sexual with her. That's something that is rarely found in a refusing partner. Thank you worksforme2. I have noticed that my wife had changed after her menopause. Her pattern in the past was short tempered / angry / bitchy etc. when weeks went by with no sex or affection from me. That would wake me up and I knew she needed sex .. release .. at the bare minimum so my pattern was to respond ... have sex with her .. I now know that was pity sex I was doing. Didn't realize that then. Just knew she felt better afterword's and was her happy self for a while. That was wrong of me I know now. But after menopause she hasn't reacted this way thus it's been at least three years since last time. She is just . well .. like a roommate. I hate to admit that. I've mentioned in other replies that she does still make small comments like fishing a bit to see if she could get me to bite but I haven't responded and in my head I'm embarrassed because I just ignored what was just said like I didn't hear it. I now need to get better but also find a way to get her to talk. Find a way so she (while I work on myself) can know that she needs to be healthy even if that means a FWB for her. |
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Post by heartlander on Feb 19, 2021 11:04:07 GMT -5
Hello, I'm new here and trying to find my way around. Give me a while to get beyond the discomfort phase and a feeling that I'm plotting behind the backs of the most important people in my life. I'm 79 years old, which isn't much older than Donald Trump or Joe Biden. But then, over half of my high school classmates are now deceased, as are all my parents, aunts, uncles, etc.; so there is the feeling that I'm hanging on to the end of a long rope and dangling a bit In a way, I'm like I was when I was 15 and sex was a mysterious force pulling me somewhere unknown, a place that existed only in my imagination and fantasy, not knowing how to reach beyond the constraints and embrace the mystery. No one to cross the lines with me. No one to explore with me. Unlike when I was 15, I'm moving further away from the line, like I may be trapped here forever. Heartlander |
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Post by Handy on Feb 19, 2021 11:37:23 GMT -5
Welcome Heartlander. I too am a long way from my first sexual encounter several years past 15 for me, but the feelings are probably similar. I suggest posting your time-line under the group heading titled Sexless Marriage Issues" because things tend to get lost in the Welcome group. Topics to cover: Your early life. Early Marriage. Children. When things went down hill. Major life events for you and your woman (W). Things you have done thinking or hoping the sex would come back. What you experienced or felt when those things didn't work. What you still want to accomplish in life in the near future. What might happen if you split with your W. and anything else you think is important. Having a thread (your story) in the Sexless Marriage Issues" ( iliasm.org/board/1/sm-issues ) area will make it easier for everyone and you to keep your situation more focused and easier to follow. |
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Post by gladifoundthisforum on Feb 19, 2021 12:24:11 GMT -5
Hello Heartlander,
Welcome to 'here'!
I'll second Handy's advice :-)
Write and tell us your story, and don't worry if it all gets a bit long and involved (I'm very guilty of that myself!)
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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 22, 2021 5:39:27 GMT -5
I'm new here and trying to find my way around. Give me a while to get beyond the discomfort phase and a feeling that I'm plotting behind the backs of the most important people in my life. "Plotting"? You're finding out ore about thoroughly unpleasant feelings no one told you to expect as an elder married man (perhaps you started them much younger. Many folks here did.) I guess the forum "On the lighter side" could get you in some trouble. Humor gets a bit spicy sometimes. You're coming in with a hearty helping of guilt, I see. That seems uncalled for. You're looking for help. Help that we like to say shouldn't be necessary. We even have people here who have been contributing for years in the "Choosing to Stay" section who have nothing to confess. A smattering have improved their marriages after coming here. Stick around. Learn. Relax. Decompress. Breathe. Enjoy. |
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)))) I wondered if my H shared some similarities with you. The part that hit me pretty hard was my H doesn't want to discuss sex. His first fall back is to just clam up and turn off the lights if it's dark outside and just sigh or listen. From his body language alone, I know it is a lost cause. I do point out how wonderful I would feel if he just made love to me. 
