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Post by catlover on Feb 23, 2021 9:07:56 GMT -5
So you've been told she she was dying within 18 months and that was 6 years ago. Meanwhile, she's still well enough to cook and so forth? She's taking drugs which do nothing for her, etc.... This seems strange. Have you spoken with her doctor? Are you sure she's diagnosed correctly? I know that's not what you're most interested in, but you have to get through her disease and illness before you can make other big moves, really. Seems to me maybe a secind opinion is in order? Just a thought. I 100% know the diagnoses is correct, so please don't go there. If you're interested, the disease is hATTR amyloidosis with cardiac, GI and neurological involvement. The drug she is on is called Tegsedi, look it up. Any specific evidence you would like to 'prove' my statements? I would post a link to her website but that would 'out' both of us. Apologies if I am coming across harshly. I am still in the 'extremely resentful' stage. I am trying really hard to move through it (this site has been a tremendous help and eye opener for me)
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Post by Apocrypha on Feb 23, 2021 10:08:03 GMT -5
Thanks so much for your reply, it really means a lot to me. I don't know how much longer she has, she was told about 18 months to 2 years when she was diagnosed about 6 years ago, and she is still carrying on. I find myself wishing, often, please just move on, let me recover my life. Our sex life was dead long before she was diagnosed with this disease and I find myself very resentful at how the last 10 to 12 years of my life have been essentially wasted. I had a mistress for a while, till I essentially fucked things up by still feeling too sexually attracted to my wife and letting my feelings be known to her. I'm still friendly with the lady, I am hopeful of resurrecting that relationship again, will see how it pans out. What I really need to say is thank you for opening my eyes and making merealize it is time to look after me. To stop huminilating myself and being hopeful of some crumbs Before we get to sex, let's start with the harm. The humiliation is not going to change until you let go the expectation and sense of entitlement that comes from marriage. There is no cosmic justice that will intervene - no movie logic where you take off your glasses and shake out your hair and she magically realizes who has been taking care of her all this time. No matter how hard you try, no matter what you deserve - and you likely have many friends telling you what you deserve - it doesn't compel attraction. It never has and never will. If your relationship dysfunction had reached the level of intensity that it overrode her own libido before the illness, then she likely feels as trapped as you do in the present situation. And while there are extra dynamics around it with the illness, it's clear to me that everyone on this board and their partners feels trapped in their situation in that they aren't yet ready to give up on a situation that isn't working in order to take a chance at a new relationship that might. (and I don't necessarily mean a new partner, when I refer to a new relationship). Here's what helped me stop actively humiliating myself: 1. sleep separately. If I don't have a sexual relationship with that person, I am not going to sleep with her. I got restful sleep instead of staring at her backside all night. 2. remove the wedding ring. How many times did I clutch that totem as I focused my heart on her. 3. start the divorce diet. Get active, get out there - take some chances, work out, get some clothes and do what you need to do to improve your market worth to yourself and others. Doing these things set a stage for myself to adjust my frame of mind. I thought for YEARS that cultivating an attraction for my wife would serve as an extra bond in our disintegrating relationship - at least one of us had to be attracted to the others. All it did was intensify and prolong my suffering. Changing those elements stopped the active harm I was inflicting on myself and helped me to quit casting her in a role she didn't want to constantly enact with me - cold fish refuser. Then we could get real about what we were. Your eventual post-marriage relationship needn't be contentious, depending on how the two of you wish to go about things. You can both agree to whatever arrangements you want (providing you can agree). I've known a couple in Canada who were in a similar situation with an expensive terminal illness, and they divorced even though they loved each other (and still lived as married) to limit the liability to their household finances.
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Post by catlover on Feb 24, 2021 13:25:53 GMT -5
And to add another twist to the mix, I am having ED issues, primarily through medication for some issues I have (Fun older guy stuff, overactive bladder, enlarged prostate, depression etc. )
To attempt a new affair would be, in my eyes, somewhat disastrous, the remaining option is to utilise pay for play, which I am comfortable doing with a couple of carefully selected (older) ladies. One in particular who I trust and get along with very well.
In the meantime, I have resolved to try to build a life outside of the marriage, difficult for me as I have never been much of a sociable person, but it is something she has actually encouraged me to do.
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Post by northstarmom on Feb 24, 2021 13:35:01 GMT -5
catlover: "And to add another twist to the mix, I am having ED issues, primarily through medication for some issues I have (Fun older guy stuff, overactive bladder, enlarged prostate, depression etc. )"
Talk to your doctor as there's very likely a cure. Most older men have some problems with ED. It's treatable for most, too. Just have the guts to tell your doctor. And if your doctor won't help, get a new doctor! Speaking from experience. My post SM lover of 8 years functions very well with ED medication that he had no shame in asking his doctor for. As my guy told me, "After all, the doctor works for me! And sex is important!" And, FWIW, post SM lover got on meds for ED during a period in which he wasn't sexually active because he didn't have a partner. As a result, when I showed up, he was ready!
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Post by Apocrypha on Feb 24, 2021 14:00:06 GMT -5
And to add another twist to the mix, I am having ED issues, primarily through medication for some issues I have (Fun older guy stuff, overactive bladder, enlarged prostate, depression etc. ) To attempt a new affair would be, in my eyes, somewhat disastrous, the remaining option is to utilise pay for play, which I am comfortable doing with a couple of carefully selected (older) ladies. One in particular who I trust and get along with very well. In the meantime, I have resolved to try to build a life outside of the marriage, difficult for me as I have never been much of a sociable person, but it is something she has actually encouraged me to do. Building your life as catlover, single man - a person with interests and activities and an identity separate from your marital role - is a helpful an stabilizing process. It increases your likelihood of sorting your own shit out, and making you a generally more attractive person. That is its own reward, and likely sets you up for the best chance for success in romantic interests later on.
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Post by obobfla on Feb 24, 2021 22:40:51 GMT -5
And to add another twist to the mix, I am having ED issues, primarily through medication for some issues I have (Fun older guy stuff, overactive bladder, enlarged prostate, depression etc. ) To attempt a new affair would be, in my eyes, somewhat disastrous, the remaining option is to utilise pay for play, which I am comfortable doing with a couple of carefully selected (older) ladies. One in particular who I trust and get along with very well. In the meantime, I have resolved to try to build a life outside of the marriage, difficult for me as I have never been much of a sociable person, but it is something she has actually encouraged me to do. I’m not surprised that your wife is encouraging you to find a life outside of your marriage. It would be good for both of you. As for the ED, check with your urologist. Sinfandel (generic Viagra) is fairly inexpensive now, even in the States. But part of it might be the stress you are under. I was not very randy the last year of my wife’s life. In your case, pay for play works, especially if you have a regular. Just stay safe.
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Post by saarinista on Feb 25, 2021 0:58:24 GMT -5
So you've been told she she was dying within 18 months and that was 6 years ago. Meanwhile, she's still well enough to cook and so forth? She's taking drugs which do nothing for her, etc.... This seems strange. Have you spoken with her doctor? Are you sure she's diagnosed correctly? I know that's not what you're most interested in, but you have to get through her disease and illness before you can make other big moves, really. Seems to me maybe a secind opinion is in order? Just a thought. I 100% know the diagnoses is correct, so please don't go there. If you're interested, the disease is hATTR amyloidosis with cardiac, GI and neurological involvement. The drug she is on is called Tegsedi, look it up. Any specific evidence you would like to 'prove' my statements? I would post a link to her website but that would 'out' both of us. Apologies if I am coming across harshly. I am still in the 'extremely resentful' stage. I am trying really hard to move through it (this site has been a tremendous help and eye opener for me) Hey, no worries. I've just struggled myself getting correct information regarding loved ones' conditions in the past. I've found medline and pubmed to be great resources for diy research. It helped me ask better questions of health care providers when I was helping care for my elderly mother. The better informed you are, the better able you will be to cope with all of the ramifications of your wife's chronic and terminal illness.
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Post by jerri on Feb 25, 2021 1:32:37 GMT -5
I had a mentor and his W had cancer and he was miserable. She knew enough to tell him she would help him find a woman to shag. It was the sweetest gift ever. I was really sad for him when she died. She was so neat. He had an entirely separate life and came home to make sure she was taken care of. He taught me a lot about all the MBL sites. He has a high libido and it was torture for him at first. He blew off a ton of steam, his life was upside down so my heart goes out to you. He took me to a philandering site so I could learn how they were discreet and all the tools they used were perfect for me. Large ratio of sexless. The people who had partners who were terminal were mostly silent about it on the open board. What's amazing to me is people who have partners who die and never touch another that they will reveal to others. My hat's off to you for being so open. 💝
That philanders group is well hidden, but I could probably find it for you.
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Post by mirrororchid on Feb 25, 2021 6:00:58 GMT -5
Hey, no worries. I've just struggled myself getting correct information regarding loved ones' conditions in the past. I've found medline and pubmed to be great resources for diy research. It helped me ask better questions of health care providers when I was helping care for my elderly mother. The better informed you are, the better able you will be to cope with all of the ramifications of your wife's chronic and terminal illness. Amen. There's a young man living with us (unhappy story there) who gets excited about health tips he finds on teh internet and I ask him each time: "Was the domain .edu or .gov? I might put up with .org.") He usually doesn't answer. I'm hoping it sinks in. .com stands for "Commercial", young man.
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