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Post by shipwreked on Feb 28, 2021 7:38:38 GMT -5
Hello, I don’t even know where to start, I’m feeling so alone and lost ... I’m a 53 year old man, married for 18 years ... sexless for the past 5-6 sad I don’t even really know ... no children by mutual choice, employed With good job ... there is affection, a hug a kiss a look a smile ... but nothing zero after that -she claims she is asexual with no interest in sex at all ...I’ve had an affair because I needed the intimacy and connection ... it’s over - my W knows I told her everything. We had issues long before I stepped outside. Therapy was a circular process of blame and ineffective 3 years. Now we are roommates who hug each other and it’s killing me. I don’t know where to start ... I feel like I’ve outgrown this that she is a child still in many ways - hell maybe I am too ... I’m giving, kind, provide, I try to talk as well as hear, I’ve asked about trying a new therapist... I’ve said let’s be open and honest with kindness and no judgment..... I’m living in Groundhog Day movie ... the same monotonous day over and over ... I can’t live in a sexless marriage anymore and don’t know what to do.
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Post by worksforme2 on Feb 28, 2021 8:21:34 GMT -5
Welcome to the forum shipwrecked,....There are positive aspects to your situation as well as the negative points. More often than not members here never get to the reason or rational of why their marriages ended up sexless. Your W at least has been honest and stated she is asexual at this point in her life. Therapy has proven to be ineffective in resolving the marriage or sexual issues. What sort of blame did you two direct toward each other and did either of you attempt to address those criticisms? Now it seems you are at the end of your tether and may be considering ending the relationship. That's often a difficult decision even when the hand writing is on the wall. But divorcing does not have to be the end of the world. If you have read much here you have seen that a # of members have divorced and maintained a decent working relationship with their X spouse. It reads like that might be doable for you. Sounds like it might be time for a discussion with your W to see if she feels the same and if the possible parting can be amiable for you both, or if there is a way to continue the relationship with you being able to meet your intimacy needs outside the marriage. Perhaps a don't ask don't tell approach.
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 28, 2021 8:30:59 GMT -5
Greetings, shipwreked. I'm sorry to hear of your predicament. We all start off searching for magic solutions, which some here call bacon scented candles. Everyone likes bacon and candles, right? But, truth be known, there is no magic solution. You've been through that over and over, it looks like. Don't beat yourself up over that. You've done the best you can with what you had. Given your last statement, you know where this is headed.
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Post by catlover on Feb 28, 2021 11:01:07 GMT -5
Hi Shipwreck, damn your story sounds so similiar to mine, I don't have any solutions, just to say you are not alone (in your misery :-) )
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Post by Deleted on Feb 28, 2021 11:02:49 GMT -5
Hey there shipwreked. I'm new here myself. Similarly, I have affection and love, but not the physically fun stuff. For us therapy was effective in getting us to understand each other and our communication styles. I felt closer to him than ever because of that. I like your approach to opening up to each other with kindness and without judgment. Thank you for adding that to your story. It may be the best approach to getting my husband to open up to me once again.
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Post by baza on Feb 28, 2021 20:13:26 GMT -5
Welcome Brother shipwreked . There's a lot of good stuff on this board, but unfortunately it can be pretty hard to find stuff of relevance to you. If you are up for it, just start reading would be my suggestion. Sooner or later you'll find something helpful. At that point you might want to see more by the member who's post interested you. Let's say it is worksforme2 See how his name above is in light blue ? If you click on that it will take you to his profile page and give you access to everything he's posted.
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Post by jerri on Mar 1, 2021 1:13:14 GMT -5
What helped me the most was reading and knowing I wasn't alone. I missed the intimacy the most- it went out the door but then I got it back once he saw that I wasn't pursuing him. There is no such thing as an affair in a SM and I think everyone should have one and affairs are more appropriate for some people. (not going against you) I just think society can't expect fidelity from someone who has a loving or not partner who is intentionally withholding affection. It really depends on the therapist but fidelity in a SM is very unrealistic. Authors write about it but only a few therapists/personalities like Dan Savage give us a green light. Dan Savage says "do what you need to do to stay sane" I went to a few therapists but mostly they try to get you to live with it. They are not comfy opening the can of messy worms. I can go sexless at times but it is not in my nature to go without sex for the rest of my life. NO NONONONONONONO!!! I don't need sexting or constant attention. I just need to feel desired at times. I even got that out of my system. I love the touch of a man and I let no one shame me for it. I felt the same way. I told my H I would be stepping out for sex at some point. (he didn't step up to the plate) A little over a year I was doing it. and I went to a therapist to try to get a green light to step out of the M for sex. ETA: The difference now? I don't ask for permission like everyone expects you to do. I don't even announce what I do. I told my H I would be lying about where I was going and just to not inquire with further questions. (I am going to the store, I am going for a drive up the mountain, I am going for coffee and read a book) I got over all of that. I don't have to get in a tug of war, they want what they want but so do I. I can still be very loving because anger just builds walls. ( all of this is easier said than done) Don't ask permission to go shag another. You know what that answer will be. My sex life is private, My business and I tell my H that as gently, and then I am ultra loving to him and it works for us. Will they threaten with divorce? Sure. My H has done that twice out of insecurity. Then he gets super sweet. Open M's have so many different definitions. I can still have one sex partner that believes in having a fun time in bed. Open M books are all about negotiating. But why negotiate with someone who never negotiated sexless with us? They told us what they wanted by inaction, but we can respond with action for our own serenity. Nothing hurts me more that not having that sweet connection.
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Post by shipwreked on Mar 1, 2021 5:04:53 GMT -5
Thank you to all for your replies. Finding this site and forum have enlightened me to the fact that I’m not alone and there are others to learn from. I do have guilty feelings about affair and feel however if this no sex thing continues I’ll be tempted again.
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Post by mirrororchid on Mar 1, 2021 6:40:17 GMT -5
... fidelity in a SM is very unrealistic.... why negotiate with someone who never negotiated sexlessness with us? ... A favorite quote I heard a therapist tell a refuser was: "You can be low libido or have a monogamous marriage. Not both." In 2015, I was married 18 years and technically sexless (Google "sex ten times a year"), so I have been in very similar shoes, shipwreked. In 2017, I told my wife I was there to provide her all the loving she liked, but the love she didn't like I'd be getting elsewhere. In 2019, after some serious bumps in our road, she chose to reset. YMMV.
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Post by alwaysdenied on Mar 1, 2021 10:21:39 GMT -5
I feel your pain. I'm a hair shy of 50 and my wife is just starting menopause. I doubt our marriage will survive it honestly. My denying wife went from every other month starfish sex to absolutely no interest in sex as far as I can tell anyway. I imagine you're wife is WELL into the psychosis that is menopause. I may be able to make the marriage survive if it was only the sex that was lacking. But she's full blown ticking time bomb now every single second of every single day. I would think without kids/support money issues, you could prepare for a softer landing from your divorce. Sometimes it just is what it is. But I have no real answers. Hell, I'm dealing with it as well. So you're not alone.
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Post by jerri on Mar 1, 2021 23:38:00 GMT -5
... fidelity in a SM is very unrealistic.... why negotiate with someone who never negotiated sexlessness with us? ... A favorite quote I heard a therapist tell a refuser was: "You can be low libido or have a monogamous marriage. Not both."In 2015, I was married 18 years and technically sexless (Google "sex ten times a year"), so I have been in very similar shoes, shipwreked . In 2017, I told my wife I was there to provide her all the loving she liked, but the love she didn't like I'd be getting elsewhere. In 2019, after some serious bumps in our road, she chose to reset. YMMV. That should be your signature!!! So great! So True! The only ones that will take up for our side is the ones who don't care if we leave therapy. Those type of therapists go out of their way to make therapy good by rocking the boat!! ❣💕
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Post by baza on Mar 2, 2021 2:38:41 GMT -5
Thank you to all for your replies. Finding this site and forum have enlightened me to the fact that I’m not alone and there are others to learn from. I do have guilty feelings about affair and feel however if this no sex thing continues I’ll be tempted again. Cheating is a perfectly valid choice Brother shipwreked . And, it is invariably a game changer to an already struggling relationship. Unfortunately you don't know (and can't know) in advance what the consequences / game changes might turn out to be. It's not a choice to go into half arsed, because things can spin off at wild and unpredictable tangents. It is for that reason it's a good idea to consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction to see how a divorce would shake out for you, as the risk of divorce is greatly raised if you are in an ILIASM deal, and raised even further should you choose to cheat. It is as well to check this all out with an attorney Of the few options you've got, this one is the most adventurous and unpredictable so it's best to do what you can to "manage" the situation.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2021 21:17:44 GMT -5
mirrororchid"You can be low libido or have a monogamous marriage. Not both." Boom. This is accurate and I think our therapist said the same to us (him?) Of course I'd prefer a monogamous marriage. But I'll probably end up at a roadside motel with a colleague again even though I swore to myself I'd never do that again.
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Post by deadzone75 on Mar 6, 2021 22:48:44 GMT -5
Hello, I don’t even know where to start, I’m feeling so alone and lost ... I’m a 53 year old man, married for 18 years ... sexless for the past 5-6 sad I don’t even really know ... no children by mutual choice, employed With good job ... there is affection, a hug a kiss a look a smile ... but nothing zero after that -she claims she is asexual with no interest in sex at all ...I’ve had an affair because I needed the intimacy and connection ... it’s over - my W knows I told her everything. We had issues long before I stepped outside. Therapy was a circular process of blame and ineffective 3 years. Now we are roommates who hug each other and it’s killing me. I don’t know where to start ... I feel like I’ve outgrown this that she is a child still in many ways - hell maybe I am too ... I’m giving, kind, provide, I try to talk as well as hear, I’ve asked about trying a new therapist... I’ve said let’s be open and honest with kindness and no judgment..... I’m living in Groundhog Day movie ... the same monotonous day over and over ... I can’t live in a sexless marriage anymore and don’t know what to do. My W has not claimed to be asexual, but during the last "the talk" we had, she did finally admit that she just doesn't think about sex. Yeah...no shit. It's shocking to hear those words. It really drives home the betrayal, doesn't it? It's mistaken to ask for honesty from someone who held your hands and lied to your face at the altar.
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Post by worksforme2 on Mar 7, 2021 7:39:43 GMT -5
My W has not claimed to be asexual, but during the last "the talk" we had, she did finally admit that she just doesn't think about sex. Yeah...no shit. It's shocking to hear those words. It really drives home the betrayal, doesn't it? It's mistaken to ask for honesty from someone who held your hands and lied to your face at the altar. I don't much think what a spouse says about their state of sexuality matters much, unless you believe it adds credibility to why they act as they do. And if one believes it is credible then a new basis for dealing with reality can be established. My X was plenty sexual before we married and for the 1st yr or so afterward. She initiated more than I did. But that behavior can to an end. There can be a myriad of reasons a spouse stops thinking about you sexually. In my W's case I think it was 2 fold. Menopause, and no longer seeing me as an Alpha male killed things for us. Some people are dishonest and their motivation for marriage is duplicit, but I don't think most spouses deliberately set out to deceive their mates. I believe in many instances time and circumstances as well as physical and mental changes bring many marriage to ruin. My X also stated she never thought about sex any more. But she never thought about getting help for her lost libido either, even knowing what her actions were doing to me and the marriage. Sex and intimacy isn't near the top of their needs list any more, for what ever reason. But irrespective of the reason( if their is one), what the deprived spouse must decide is how he/she is going to cope or deal with the reality of that fact in their life. Just my view from opposite land.
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